It is funny how much we give of ourselves and how little we seem to get at times. I know that every story has two sides, so when I read some of the stories in here I am sometimes shocked at both parties. <P>What shocks me even more is the amount of time some people wait on their spouses to come back. My H moved out Tuesday night. Mind you this is not what I want. He isn't sure what he wants, but what I know is that while I sit here at home tonight - he is probbaly bonking her brains out! Now I am here at home with my son because I want to be, but he is not here because he has chosen a path that is not only wrong for us, but for our son. <P>I keep telling myself to wait. That I need to wait because I love him and he loves me. Our relationship was never really bad and it wouldn't take much to improve on. Our son deserves both parents in the home. I don't believe in divorce except in extreme circumstances. I really believe that with everything he is telling me (he could be lying) that he is going to regret what he has done if I move on. After saying all that, I don't think I will wait long. I'm not sure I can even wait a month or two before I file for divorce. He has so crossed the line of choosing his short term happiness over what is right! He doesn't deserve us - We deserve so much better than this. I feel like I am strong person who just wants to give us all a second chance! <P>On that note, how do you know how long to wait? I feel like we have haven't tried at all. He had the affair and never communicated what he felt was missing until he wasn't willing to try. These people who walk away from marriage while not being sure of what they want are such loosers! They quit before they even get to half-time. <P>If I have to move on, I don't want to wait to do that. You can't rush love, but I am 31 and want more kids. Can't do that without man and if my H isn't willing to be a dad and have more kids then I need to find someone who will love my son and I and someone who wants to spend their life with us. ARGH!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>H

dhj-<BR>I so know how you feel. My h left 7 weeks ago, certain that he wouldn't be gone long. He has now removed everything of his out of the house and it pushing for a divorce. <BR>I want my h to come. I am in Plan B now and it is very hard. We have a 2yr old and I know what you mean when you say that you and your son DESERVE better. You are right. You do deserve better. Your son deserves the love of two full time parents.<BR>I will never understand this selfish behavior. NEVER.<BR>It all makes me so mad. As far as knowing how long to wait, I guess that it is all a personal quest. I never thought I would be able to stand it this long. I am moving on with my life, but I still hope onto the hope that God will work a miracle in the life of my family. It is so hard.<BR>My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care of yourself and be the best d*** mom you can be. He needs you.<BR>Cheryl

My H has been gone now since July 29th. I've felt like you have some days and others I feel like I will wait forever. I don't think that there are any right answers. You have to do what feels right for you. You and only you will no when the time is right to move on. I think that if you have any doubts in your mind than you are not ready. I know you feel that your biological clock is ticking but you have alot of time yet. <P>I myself won't wait forever. I may wait up to a year but I'm not to sure what I'm ready to put up with yet. My hope right now is that he will one of these days come back to reality and come home. I think that if that does happen my marriage will probably be stronger than it was before all of this. I've learned some really valuable lessons from this and I just hope that someday I'll be able to use what I've learned.<P>Jill

I don't know how long you should wait, but I also don't think you should think of it as waiting. Regardless of whether or not your husband comes back home you have to rebuild yourself. I think that is what this time away may be more useful for. Evaluate the mistakes you have made and try to make yourself a better person from them. Then at least if he does decide to come home and you still want to make the marriage work at that point you won't will feel down about you. If he doesn't come home you'll be able to deal with that too. I myself don't want my husband to be home because it is the right thing to do. (I think that is where we are at right now) I want him here because he wants and need to be. If the time comes where I feel the need to ask him to leave again, (I told him to leave the day I found out, he moved back in two days later)then honestly I won't be "waiting" at all. I told that much. As far as I am concerned I would utilize the time to work on me and my children and if by some chance if he shows up at my door if at that point I am willing to give it a try I will, if not then .... <P>------------------<BR>

Hi Dhj -<P>I think that AMHarrison is right on the money with this. You will make yourself absolutely bonkers if you just WAIT for him to decide anything. Don't forget about the fantasy mindset - you know that the grass is NOT always greener!!<P>It may take a while for him to realize that!!<P>Use this time!!!! Look within yourself and do what is necessary for your own improvement and any improvements in homelife for the child and the atmosphere of your marriage. Every experience we go through in life should teach us something and help us grow as better people.<P>As a very good side effect to taking this approach - you won't be dwelling on him all the time and you will begin to see some happiness in your life that will lift your spirits and make you shine. <P>And eventually, God willing your H just might see it and respond to it!! Even if he doesn't - it is then that you will be in a better place with your own self to approach any other relationship that you may desire if it comes to divorce. You don't want a divorce, so why would you initiate it? See where the road takes you......<P>Hugs and Strength to you,<P>Sheba

dhj:<P>My flip answer is 12-24 months and a hell of a lot.<P>But I completely agree with amharrison and sheba---this is the time for you to evaluate what you can do to become a better marriage partner. I worked as hard as I could as soon as I discovered my wife's affair---my goal in Plan A was to demonstrate to her that our marriage could be different. Well, I never saw the huge changes from her that I was hoping for, and I was worried that I was wasting my time. But after I separated, I continued to work on myself, and I came to a wonderful realization---that I was doing a great job, I had really become more of the kind of person that I wanted to be, and that I was giving my marriage the best chance that I could. At the same time, I figured that it would never work, that I would end up divorced and the thought of not having my (currently fighting) children with me everyday was positively devestating (it seems pretty attractive right now; go figure... )<P>Take this time to work on you and your weaknesses in the marriage. It's a great opportunity---it should build your self-esteem. It's the courageous, moral thing to do. It's not about being a doormat---your husband isn't trampling you right now; he's trampling himself in some of the most self-destructive behavior imaginable. Think of him as mentally-ill right now, he's a hopeless addict. The good news is the addiction will usually end, if you give it time.

dhj<BR>My w has been gone since 7-2. She has hinted at working on our marriage 5 times and once actually asked to come home but backed away from the statement within 5 hrs. That is what killed it for me. After that I told her I was done, I couldn't take anymore and wanyted to start my own life.<BR>I received her divorce proposal last Wed., saw my lawyer on Thurs and made a counter proposal, Thurs nite she again hinted at attending joint counseling with her again(I'm half afraid as she really buried me the first go round)as the counselor she and om are going to suggested it.<BR>Mean while, she wouldn't give me the counsleors name till this week, is still living with om, is planning to go on a cruise with om, and yesterday I received her second divorce proposal. Does this sound like someone that wants to stay married ?<BR>I think you will just know when its time. I agree with you I don't know how people can wait years. That person could change, grow in other directions, and they could be different type of person that you may not like. My w has become very, very selfish and says that her job is everything to her, those are traits I do not desire in a woman.<BR>So I will probably sign the divorce papers next week(if I can get her to accurately state her income !) unless she shows me some significant signs she is willing to make some changes( which she indicated she wsn't in a recent letter.)<BR>So follow your head and your heart, don't rush out and do anything rash. If I had followed my head I would have been divorced weeks ago(good thing lawyers offices aren't open on weekends and at night and a divorce takes time!)

Thanks for all the input. I have been working on myself and trying to give my son all the attention I can, wihtout spoiling him. <P>The thing is, I do view it as waiting regardless of what I am doing for myself. I have acknowledged everything I ever did wrong (that I know of) to help drive him to another woman. I do feel that he will one day find out that the grass was not greener. Twelve months from now - if he has not come back, I don't want to be married to him. I will have wanted to move on. Does that make sense? I have plans in my life and we had plans together. He has chosen to put those on hold, not me. I just don't want more kids when I am 40. I want them in the near future, but I may not ever find someone. <P>Sheba - I do not want to be the one to initiate the divorce because I don't want one. Also, H isn't sure he wants one - unless something changed this week. However, I am still a doormat. He moved out for space and is trying to turn it into I am the one who needs space. When he wanted the space to have another relationship. That makes a mockery of our marriage and his responsibilities to the family. I also feel like if I sit here and wait that the road will take me no where - because all I am doing is the same old stuff (except self-improvement - which I was into anyway - it is just a different focus now). Maybe having someone to pay attention to me wil feel good - that is not what I want. I am just so angry that he is out there with her having the time of his life. Meanwhile, his family is having fun, but without him. It is not fair. ARGH!<P>K - He is mentally ill! Why else whould he leave when he says he loves me and was never unhappy. Why else would he walk out the dor while muttering that this was not right. One of his emails said he missed us - well not enough! He is still not part of this family by his choice!!!<P>I will tell you one thing - he has a h*** of a lot of winning me back if he wants this marriage. Bad attitude I am sure, but he is still using me as a doormat and I am tired of it. I have been one for 9 years - it has gotten old. How is it that I didn't have the affair anyway. I had the short end of the stick most of the time anyway. I am completely willing to let him think he did - I did that all thru plan A. <P>There just has to be more people out there who will love us and treat us the way we deserve to be. Not throw the vows they took to the end. <P>Have a great holiday weekend.<P><P>------------------<BR>H

sorry<BR><p>[This message has been edited by dhj (edited September 04, 1999).]

sorry<p>[This message has been edited by dhj (edited September 04, 1999).]

sorry<p>[This message has been edited by dhj (edited September 04, 1999).]

sorry<p>[This message has been edited by dhj (edited September 04, 1999).]

Sorry! I some how posted my reply all those times!!! <P>[This message has been edited by dhj (edited September 04, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by dhj (edited September 04, 1999).]