Ludicrous telephone conversation I, II and III

EEEEKS! H called. Asked if I still thought I was making the right decision. I said I thought I was. When asked for reasons why I repeated the ones I had originally told him. When I said we were incompatible, he said he didn’t agree unless I meant by incompatibility that he wouldn’t do some of things I wanted him to. Ew. I’m so selfish to want to live without the fear my h. would end up in jail. I mentioned I had nothing left to give. He said I did try. 2 years of MC all by my lonesome and I didn’t try. He said I wasn’t willing. I said I had been willing to give but there was nothing left to give.

H. is right that I’ve not done any work on our relationship in 4 months. That’s because there’s nothing left to give. I thought there was. But there wasn’t.

He wanted to know why it made me uncomfortable when he said “I miss you.” Huh? I told him I wouldn’t answer that question. He darn well knows the answer. It’s because I don’t miss him. What purpose would it serve to say it out loud?

H. said I treat him like sheet and never think of anyone else. All of what he said continued to strengthen my resolve to divorce. I have nothing left to give. I can’t be a good wife to him. It is impossible. I don’t respect the choices he’s made and he doesn’t respect mine.

He says I don’t live in the real world, and I don’t believe he does. Actually, we live in two different realities. And they are simply too far apart to POJA our way to compatibility. Even if my husband did a 180 in his choices, I still couldn’t remain married. I know some people are lucky enough to have truly happy marriages, but I haven’t seen that. I know one, maybe two couples who are happy. I know plenty who are in varying degrees of misery. And most are just resigned. I will not accept anything less than a happy, healthy partnership.

And my husband and I cannot have that.

And where's the totally bemused emoticon?

I still see projections in his statements. And I still believe he's somewhat NPD.

You have done much more work than most to come to your decision, and I think you trust yourself enough to know what is right.

And he plans to come over and “talk” after the girls go to bed. Man, that will be horrible. I do not want him in the house. What if he won’t leave?

Did I miss something? Since when is "I miss you" a question. You didn't owe him a response. Would he rather you lie and say you missed him or tell the truth and say you didn't?

I also feel a sense of peace in not trying anymore. When I think of being on my own, it scares me, yet I am also exhilarated in knowing that I will have my 'own' stuff and not be questioned over every purchase. Or told that things are 'good enough' when they need repairs or replacement, while I see H spending money on trips and toys.

I too have no more to give. I don't get riled when discussing finances or even OW. I guess I just don't care enough anymore.

And yes, sometimes their statements reassure us we are doing the right thing. Like when H compared my 1 night out (not even a date) to his nearly 2-yr-old affair, or when he wanted kids bank accounts brought into discussion (?)of separation of assets or when he claimed his 'toys' shouldn't count because he paid for them w/his OT while I took care of kids. And like when I found out about his borrowing from his 401k and hiding the money or when I found out he had a safe dep box. And when he continues to hide his cell phone.

And they wonder why we have nothing left to give <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 02:04 PM: Message edited by: nothopeful* ]</small>

You know, NotHopeful, there is a sense of peace in knowing there is nothing left to give. It takes all the focus off of your spouse/ soon to be ex spouse. No matter what they say or do, it doesn’t matter because we don’t have any more energy to put into the relationship.

I wish I had realized that 4 months ago. I was going through the motions and trying so hard, but I simply didn’t care. I didn’t want to be divorced, but I didn’t want to be married either.

I think this removal of focus from spouse is so healing. We’ve tried to change and often succeeded. But it didn’t make our marriages better. We knew it would take work and change on the spouses’ parts, but they were too slow or simply refused. That was the worst period. Knowing that they would have to step up to the plate and soon.

Then, it was over.

The funny thing is B. doesn’t even see that our completely different views on compatibility actually proves how incompatible we are. We just see the whole world in different ways. And his ways are an anathema to me.

Thanks for replying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong> We knew it would take work and change on the spouses’ parts, but they were too slow or simply refused. That was the worst period. Knowing that they would have to step up to the plate and soon. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*Knowing* that you're wasting your time, but giving them the opportunity and time just so you can live with yourself, knowing you did all you could do?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He wanted to know why it made me uncomfortable when he said “I miss you.” Huh? I told him I wouldn’t answer that question. He darn well knows the answer. It’s because I don’t miss him. What purpose would it serve to say it out loud? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This also makes me nuts. Maybe if we say it out loud and hurt their feelings, they can feel their behavior is justified? Makes it easier to accept the fact they are being left in the dust?

I think trying to force a spouse to say something hurtful when you already know it is a great way to then be able to project all kinds of motivation onto your spouse.

B. actually asked this evening how I would feel if he went out with other women. And wouldn't that be a deal breaker for me. I said "no." And poor soul, he said, "You just don't care, do you?" And I told him I didn't.

He could go out with a different woman every night, and I wouldn't lose a moments sleep.

The sad thing is too many spouses don't wake up until it's not about them at all. I simply couldn't be a good wife to him now.

And I refuse to put him through the ordeal I went through of focusing incredible energy on changing myself to increase the likelihood of a happy, successful marriage only to have it all drained into nothing.

That's supposing he's really working on the deeper changes himself and not just trying to put up a good front.

Oh, it's so sad when it's too late.

It's like beating the dead horse thing.

You hit this point and you say, this and no more. I am there and know you are too. Kinda like it's just too much. Too much to deal with. And after having a full week to digest the whole FV/preggo deal, I have hit that "too much poop" area as well. I've had my time of mourning and it's been done some time ago. Now I think I was stuck in the "how dare you do this to me" phase but that's passing now too. I just want as little to do with him as possible now and only want it to be about parenting. Think I can do that but we'll see what Jethro does.

When you get to this point, you do get a sense of peace. I knew I did all I could do. I did my best. I am a great mom and am there 1000% for my son. That's what counts now. And what I do tomorrow that counts.

Your x2b, doesn't get his ownership in this breakup. He doesn't understand the complications and results of his actions. My xh doesn't get it either. But now I really don't care if he does or not.

And I see people like my sister and bro in law who are happy. I see alot of happy married people. And I think when it gets down to it, at the core, it's the ones who are happy who are the ones who are true to themselves, both of them. I am the same woman I've always been. My xh morphs into what and who he needs to be to obtain what he desires. That's the NPD thing.

When you let things go, it is freeing. It is hard, because you have dreams and plans and it's sad to see them die. But with people like my xh, they could never really live (the dreams or plans).

Just wanting time and healing for the both of us so we can move ahead and breathe easy. You will. You're doing good. And we both have x's that thumb their noses at the law. So we know we had to do what we had to do.