My wife filed for divorce after me being out of the house for 3 weeks where I thought we were "working things out". She then told me "it's over, I'm done" that I love you but i'm not in love with you. I asked her if there's someone else and she's said 3-4 times no. I now find out that there's been someone else for about 3 months before she told me its over. We're both in the same house in separate rooms. We have 2 toddler children 2yr. boy 31/2 yr. girl. she's exposed our children to the new relationship constantly. she wants me out of her life and her new relationship in. She won't talk to me about anything but the kids. she's going for custody of the children as am I but she doesn't know I have any idea of what she's doing with her new relationship and our children. I have proof. I've been quiet about it because I think she's going to lie to the court about her relationship which would ruin her credibility. The worst part about this is I still love my wife and want to try and make our marriage work. This want is one sided right now though. Her defense mechanism with me in the house is being mean and getting angry. But I still love her. This is not the woman I married. Do we have a chance??? I have to put my children first right now, but I so badly want to put her first.

I'm sorry. She's fogged. Your best bet is to:
- Keep your knowledge of the affair to yourself. And the proof. And the consequences she'll face if she lies. Let her dig that hole for herself and fall into it. The consequences are not your responsibility; they are hers.
- You can Plan A or B while moving towards a divorce.
- Your biggest priority right now has to be your kids... not your spouse and your marriage. I'm sorry.
- Maybe even a bigger priority right now is getting information. You need to know what you're dealing with and what you're facing in terms of divorce, rights, etc.
- Most dvs are "won" by the one who has more info, more money, and more willingness to let the lawyers do their thing. So, any steps you can take to setting that up NOW will be a huge boon to later on down the road.
- One of the first eventual things she'll do is get a lawyer who will insist that you pay her legal expenses. You should do whatever it takes to block this now. I would suggest drafting a separation agreement "because it's what she wants" and put in that she's responsible for her own legal fees. Since she's in such a hurry to get you out and this other guy in, if you can get her to agree to certain terms... later on you can stick to them... and you really should stick to this one like gravity sticks you to the ground...

Were I in your shoes, I'd be going gangbusters to ensure I got custody. It's too bad that you left the house... Many states have weird things about filing for dv based on adultery... like if you have sex after you know about an affair, you've "condoned" the affair and therefore given up your rights to file based on that. So keep that to yourself and be as chaste as a monk until this is over and done with okay?

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>

Here is a biggie is the OM married or single?

If he is married you need to make sure his spouse knows what is going on.

Good advice.

First thing to do is file a counterclaim. State your grounds and state like Lyxa said that you want her to be responsible for her legal bills and that you are wanting SOLE custody of kids based on "certain information" that will be brought out in trial.

I am really sorry for everything. Will pray for you all.

Just remember, she's the shell of the woman you knew. When they are in the proverbial fog, nothing makes sense to others around them. They will act irrationally and do stupid things and morally defunct things..like exposing children to adultery...That is harmful.

What I have noticed is that most WS who file suddenly are usually in deepest fog. They are hell bent on having their way and plowing through everybody standing in the way of themselves and their lovers. That's what my xh did. But I stood up to him. In this case, your kids are being exposed to immorality which is wrong whether married or single.

I am not sure about the plan A or B thing right now. She's doing some pretty bad stuff. When it got down to the filing, I went into plan B and have pretty much stayed there with only minimal contact for child's sake if necessary.

If man is married, his w needs to know. Bring light of day to their little shackfest. Nothing like a hard dose of reality to make their dreamstate come crashing down around them. Your w is probably counting on you to be a gentleman or being a typical guy and standing back and letting her get her way. Wrongo. Just because of the fact you're a female doesn't mean that makes you best suited to take care of your kids...

Also shut down any joint bank accounts and take as much cash as you can out. Also stop any joint cc's and stop anything else monetarily she hs access to sucyh as IRA's or monies saved.

Also, no spousal support since she's shacked up. Tell her to get a job or get the guy to support her. If she wants this OM, let her have him on a silver platter. That's what plan B does. And it also lets them see the fruit of their actions...She may be singing a different tune in several months...But for now you have to protect yourself and the kids and let her deal with her own consequences to her own actions. Post here, and vent here. You are among friends.

Read all you can here and get love must be tough by dr. dobson. You've caught the affair thing early and you need to get tough now and show her you're standing up to do what's right. For now, sshe's made her and let her lie in it.

If she feels change or the need to consider it, she may do so after having a while to let the consequences sink in. Don't worry about her for the time being. It's hard I know. I did for the longest time about my xh and sometimes do, but I have lost most of my feelings about him.

We are rooting foryou. get pro active now.

hope? sorry for all the pain you are going through. Your wife is deep in fogg... and to bring your little ones in, is causing great despair. Please find out all you can, keep it a secret, and keep the information on file. You may need this to counteract her accusations. This woman is nobody that you know right now. I know been throught he crap big time, my husband lied, cheated, sex with the other woman, and brought the kids into his deceitful lieing accusations.

Your focus is on the kids now, and of course doing a plan B. Keep your distance, be nice, and thoughtful, but don't engage yourself in her plot. She is being railroaded by satan, and she has fallen for a man who doesn't believe in marriage, and morals. Also, like the other poster said, check out if he is married. Get a private detective, a good one. They can find stuff out that you will be grateful for one day.

Good luck, and yes the pain is terrible, and painful.

Been there, done that, it sucks. Rips your heart right out.

The other posters are dead on accurate.

Additionally, read this:
WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000940

BE A MAN. Stand up for what you want. Protect yourself and your children. Love requires respect. She doesn't respect you right now. Be firm. Do what's right for you and your children. What arrangements do you want to live with for the next umpteen years?

- Keep your knowledge of the affair to yourself. And the proof. And the consequences she'll face if she lies. Let her dig that hole for herself and fall into it. The consequences are not your responsibility; they are hers.

If you're interested in letting her swing for the A, then keep it a secret. If you're interested in saving the M, then it must be exposed as is pointed out in the some the material on this site. Otherwise, she'll continue to live in this fantasy land where this other yahoo can do no wrong. Her facing real consequences would include exposting the A to everyone and letting em deal with that. It would end in a hurry, most likely.

It sucks! That is the bottom line but all hope is not lost! It is hard for me to say that but it is true!

Do you pray? Do you believe in God? Turn all your cares onto Him. Of course that is easier said that done....I know... trust me... I know....

The A is not married. He is divorced with a child 2 years ago. She is using his old attorney!! She's trying to take our kids out of the state to visit her sister. Her sister has been one of her counsels in this and has had an abortion, been married/divorced and now is pregnant out of wedlock to a guy that lives 1000 miles away from her.
I am in control of the informaiton! hopefully (i guess) she burns herself in the next couple of weeks. That might be the shock she needs to really realize what the heck she's doing. But I don't think so. I will fight for as long as I have to to make sure those two beautiful children have the opportunity to live in a safe, stable environment for the rest of their lives. No matter what they'll be OK because they'll always have me. But I will fight for them to live with me because the Occupational, emotional, financial and I think mental instability that my spouse has been exhibiting is not in the best interests of our children.
Keep praying all of you. Thank you for your concern and advice. I have a mountain of information in my corner. As the father these days going against the mother regarding custody you have to. Her friends are all slowly becoming more my friends. She is ailenating herself from almost everyone that ever cared about her, especially the one that was willing to love her forever...me.

I forgot. I was back in the house days after she told me it was over. It's made things tense for her because she wants me out but I have just as much a right to wake up with our kids smiling at me as she does. I will never give up, on all fronts.

thanks again.

Keep on Keepin on!

I pray that I could be in your situation in that you are still at home with your wife. At least then you might be forced to communicate. Mine basically is analyzing everything I do. She is looking for more things to exploit. She is so angry and bitter that she feels that she is not. It is horrid and I know your can see so much of the same thing.

Sometimes I wish that she could see this board and hear from the WS - I don't believe she would listen. I hurt her real bad...........