I have been divorced 6 yrs, after a 29 yr marriage. Former husband was having affair,and I filed out of anger, hoping he would stop divorce but he didn't. He is still living with OW, but they have not married, although engaged for several yrs. We are all in our 50's.
I have always wanted to restore marriage, and have been a member of other marriage restoration sites, and have tried to follow the expert's"rules" that would add to the success of restoration. I guess you could say, I was in a very long term Plan A, with several lapses into Plan B, but then I would weaken and apologize for my "rude" behavior of not speaking and re-establish communication, because we have 4 children and I really wanted my marriage.
Over the past few years, I have gotten what I feel are many mixed messages from former spouse, that kept me in a hopeful state. Although OW does not want him having any contact with me, whenever she is out of town, he invites me out to dinner {3 times in one week this past month.} He also has sent me emails frequently inviting me out to lunch, and when I had major surgery last year, he took me, and brought me home, although I had made arrangements with my best friend. He invited me out to lunch when our daughter had her baby and we even called her from the restaurant. There are many other incidents including a lot of email joking around, in addition to him getting me a Christmas gift last year and calling me on the phone this past July and singing me Happy Birthday--I did not get him a XMAS gift or acknowledge his birthday.
Several times we have even discussed relationship issues, and he has even discussed problems he has had with OW. They supposedly went to counseling, but the counselor advised them to stop ,as they could not work out the issues., and were wasting money and she could no longer help them.
Two weeks ago we had a conversation and he made the comment that if he had to do it over again, we would have worked on our marriage. I responded that there was still that chance as long as there was not a wedding ring on his finger. The next morning I get a voicemail stating that although he and OW have issues still, he is not ready to leave her and that he will try and work things out with her. I cannot tell you how hurt and angry I was--not only at him, but also at my stupidity. All of those lunches and conversations when I tried to be friendly and hopefully bring back good memories was for nothing. I used to go home crying, while he just waved and went back to OW. All this time I put my feeling of rejection on hold, trying to look at the bigger picture of marriage restoration. The pain was worth reconcilling the marriage.
I am now in a total plan B for life. He sent a response email, very polite in tone, and that even angered me. Didn't even care enough to show any emotion. Although he apologized for the pain he has caused me by maintaining a friendship, he would limit any contact to major medical or financial problems with the family. I emailed back and said there was to be no further contact period as there was no longer any family and I did not want to speak or see him ever again.
I really tried and believed in what I was doing, but now feel like such a total fool and such a doormat. Who in their right mind hangs on to someone--where did my self respect go??? What is wrong with me??
Now how do I get this man out of my head?? I don't want to think about this anymore--I'm tired and want the madness to stop.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Our situations have a lot of similarlities. I am 49 and my exH is 50. We were married for 22 years-together for 26. That is a long time to build a life with someone and then have it taken away via an affair.

We also have 4 kids...and we had a pretty good family...or at least I thought so. We have been divorced now about a year and ahalf...and it is still hard to face the reality of this whole situation. I hate that our family is so broken up by this mess. Financially it has killed us. We have lost all of our retirement savings and our retirement home....I have lost everything that I thought we were working for. It is difficult to put that aside.

About a month ago, my exH spent a weekend being super nice to me. Gullible me fell for it again--altho at least this time I was a little suspicious. He did have a motive for behaving that way...and it lasted exactly two days...and then he was back to his current awful self. I guess the bottom line is, they know how to "play us"...and it is hard not to reach out for the dream that is not quite yet gone.

Don't feel bad about trying to hang in there for your marriage. For some of us I think it just takes longer to realize that it really is over.

I guess I have rambled on long enough...take care of yourself...Pat

Or perhaps he tried to break up with the OW, and she begged or bribed him to stay. It is not hopeless until either you or he is dead.

I do not think Plan B is a good idea in these circumstances - if he continues to communicate with you, go out to lunch, etc., it is far better for your kids and grandkids, and these secret meetings have the additional benefit of not being good for his relationship with the OW.

If you sever your relationship with him, it makes it easy for the OW to keep her claws firmly imbedded in his hide.

I agree with Nellie. As you and your XH got closier and closier the OW pulled at him more and more. You have work at this so hard for so long. Why give up now? Giving up will make all the effort for nothing.

He cares about you and you have rebuilt your relationship with him. My husband has been gone for almost 4 years. It has taken all this time to restore our relationship. I wanted to give up many times but, so much has changed. He is here with us almost all the time now. There was never OW, but he wanted to be away from me all the same.

Don't be so hard on yourself.There are many in the same boat as you. I know you are hurt. My husband has hurt me the same way over the past three plus years. There have been many times I have wanted to give up. If I had, then we would not be together now. He is all but home and we do everything together as a family. You are not a doormate, you are a faithful woman who wants her marriage and her family.

There is a good thread for marriage restoration on the prayer request board. You will get a lot of encouragement and support there.

gentle