Hi All Fellow Standers!

I’d like to start this thread for all of us who are Standers (and of course, all others are welcome as well). Here we can meet and talk about our struggles, our concerns, the ups and downs, etc. We can give each other strength, answer questions and keep the motivation going.

I’d like to start by sharing most of an email I got from Bob Steinkamp from rejoiceministries.com a few days ago.

GET SERIOUS ABOUT STANDING -

From time to time a man or a woman who once was standing with God and
praying for His restoration of their marriage, writes us to explain
why they are giving up. Some of these email and letters include a
comment from the stander they have "gotten over" their covenant spouse.

Neither Charlyne or I can understand why people who give up on what
God once called them to do feel they need to explain their quitting to
us. We pray they have talked to God and that they are patiently
listening for His response. You, see it is God, not us, nor any
ministry, that calls men and women to take a stand against the enemy’s
schemes that have been aimed at their marriage. This group needs to
be telling God, not others, they are giving up on what He once
promised them He would do.

What does this small minority mean when they say they have "gotten
over" their covenant mate? Have they stopped missing them? Are all
the memories erased? Do they never remember the thousand and one
traits peculiar to their spouse? Can they put aside the evidence
their spouse is headed to Hell? Have they somehow "gotten over" the
disadvantage that an uncorrected divorce will give to their children
for their entire lives? How is it possible to have "gotten over" the
man or woman that God made one-flesh with them on a wedding day?

I am thankful that Charlyne never said that she had "gotten over" me.
My wife was human enough to admit that she hurt deeply, but she was
heavenly enough to know that her Lord God could comfort each and every
hurt that I was causing her.

I am thankful that my Lord has never said that He has "gotten over"
me. At times I must be a terrible disappointment to Him. God has
given me so many gifts, and seeks to lead me, but in the flesh, I am
tempted to go on without His guidance. If He ever had reason to say
that He had "gotten over" me, it would have been when I, once called
to ministry, walked out on my family, and into sin and adultery. How
could I sit in church, week after week, with another woman, while my
covenant wife worshiped Him with a broken heart, only a few miles
away. How could I call myself a Christian and do the things I was
doing? If ever anyone had reason to have "gotten over" someone, my
Lord God had every reason to say that He had "gotten over" me.

What do standers really mean when they say they have "gotten over"
their mate? From our experience, those two words translate into much
more. They might be saying, "I know what God promised me, but I am
tired of waiting and tired of hurting, so I am going to attempt to
stuff all the promises God has given me, and try something else in my
personal search for happiness and wholeness." All they need is Jesus.

Have you ever considered giving up your stand? If the truth were
known, nearly everyone has, to some degree. If you are all that is
standing between your mate and Hell, why are you surprised that satan
is attempting to have you give up your stand for a restored marriage,
and your family serving the Lord?

Our armed forces in Iraq can be our example. Every day we are being
told of new attacks against them. Are our leaders giving up? No,
with each attack, we hear ever more determined statements that the
free world will see victory, regardless of the battles taking place
today.

It is time for you to get serious about standing. To endure, you must
develop a close, personal relationship with the Lord. You must learn
to recognize His voice, and He must be able to hear your voice in
prayer. You must meditate on the Word of God, study the Word,
memorize the Word, and learn the Word. That way, when the enemy sends
opposition your way, in the form of anyone from a pastor on down,
citing part of a verse, or attempting to discourage you as to why you
cannot stand for the miracle God has promised, you will know what
the Bible says. May you learn the heart of God, and be ready to defend
your stand, not based on what we say, but based on what God has said.

In whose heart did God plant the vision for the Ark? In Noah’s
neighbors, or his pastor? In the hearts of Noah’s friends? These
people all thought Noah was in error. You see, God was disclosing His
plan, one step at a time, to Noah alone. If Noah had listened to
others, and followed their advice, we would be all wet today. It is
difficult to understand why standers test what God has revealed to
them, not by His Word, but by the opinions of everyone else.

My friend, we are living in troubled times, and the return of Jesus is
imminent. It is time for people to stop struggling with standing, and
to get serious about standing, with God, for a healed home. I pray
that in your life there will be no more surveys, nor asking everyone
you know, "What do you think?" May you, with God’s help, determine
today that you will finish well, regardless of what opposition may
come your way.


Let’s keep the FAITH and NOT give up!!!

Hopeful98

Umm, hopeful98:

We started soemthing like this once before on this board.

We basically moved this group to Prayer Requests. Would you like to meet there, or are you partcularly attached to the D/D board?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yes, I realize there is a thread started every week for Marriage Restoration Prayer Requests but I was thinking more of a support type of thing here. Where we can all post and check in to see how we are doing. Ask questions and share experiences to help each other.

I'm fine with moving over to the Prayer Request one but since we are already in the process of divorce I figured this would be the right forum to do it at. Anybody else have suggestions?

Do you want to move over that way? or stay here?

I'm not attached <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> to the D/D board (don't really want to be here but that's where I stand).

Comments please.

H98

What about when an agent other than God moves two people or even one person to get married? What if God didn't want the marriage in the first place? Surely that's a possibility. Not every choice we make, even in the name of the Lord, nor every vow we make to Him is endorsed by God.

What about the Children's Crusade? What about people who use the Lord's name to justify abusing their spouse?

This question may be addressed by your group. I don't know much about it. I'll catch up.

<small>[ November 08, 2003, 07:17 AM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

If what you're hoping/praying for is restoration/reconciliation, I think that's the best place.

I happen to find this board somewhat - umm - negatively charged regards restoration and X's.

My .02 only

God Bless,

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 01:23 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Ok, I think we'll give it a try on this forum. I'd like to have a thread where people will not find too much negativitely (if none is possible, even better). If things don't work out, we can move on over to Prayer Requests. I'd love this to be a place of comfort for many. So, please join us.

Greengables, those are very good questions you've asked. I'd love to have a response to them but I don't. I will look into them. If anybody else has any response to them, please feel free.

LoveMyEx, thanks for your reply. I agree with both you and Lupolady about the "air" in here. That's why I was really afraid to start posting here. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we can make a bit of a difference in here?

I just remembered a friends signature.....

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world."

If I can help at least ONE person, I'll know I've done good. That's what God wants me to do.

H98

Greengables,
LoveMyEx shared a website with me that was very encouraging and confirming. It is www.restorem.org. I ordered a book on restoring your marriage and was blessed to receive the first chapter to download while I waited for the book to come. In reading it last night, God confirmed so many things that He has been showing me over the last year of "Standing".
One comment came to mind as I reread your post. It said that God does not want your marriage to end. He does not have a "better" husband for you out there somewhere. He knows who you are married to and why. The fact that you are married, joined together and have become one makes it a covenant. Remember that God knows ALL things, sees ALL things and loves us so much that He is there for us even when we goof up and make mistakes.
He is the God of the impossible and delights in giving us the desires of our hearts when we are faithful and obedient to Him. The glory and praise belong to Him for all He does.
Trust not in what you see or what man says, but in every word of Scripture. God is not a man that he should lie. He does not change His mind. Hold tight and trust Him.

I'm not sure if I really belong here but I'm looking for as much support as I can find. My husband has been threatening divorce since the first year of our marriage. Just two weeks ago, he told me, via letter, that he wanted a divorce. I have asked him to postpone making a decision on that until he is sure that's what he really wants and told him that I believe he will regret it. I told him that I will not divorce him and that I will not give up the kids (he wanted full custody). Since then, I have been standing up for myself and taking care of myself and feel strong. He has agreed not to fight for custody of the kids should he leave but is continuing to blame me for the destruction of our marriage and waiting for me to change into ? He doesn't tell me what he wants and I feel that I would fail to meet his unexpressed expectations no matter what I do. He refuses counseling and most of his answers to my questions are "I don't know." or "I need to think about it." It is frustrating. He is a Christian and once dreamed of being a youth pastor (even got his degree in ministry) but is not following God right now. He says he believes in God still but I just don't see it in his life.

I am and will continue to be a stander for my marriage regardless of what happens. I don't ever want to take off my wedding ring. I meant my vows when I said them and have accepted that I'm in the "worst" part of "for better and for worst".

This is the Divorcing/Divorced board I mean I think it's pretty clear what that means. And then you come complaining how's it's not very pro-reconciliation! LOL. If you don't like the air here then don't read here it's very simple. Or better yet start your own board. But to come on here complaining with your holier than thou judgemental attitudes! O loveMyEx do tell isn't wonderful to be as perfect as you are wow what a burden please enlighten us all to how you attained your incredible perfection (not). Talk about bitter you one of the most bitter and judgemental individuals no wonder your ex wanted to divorce you!

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 01:57 PM: Message edited by: TMD ]</small>

Rosannesprayer
I'm sorry you find yourself in the situation you are in but I'm glad you have found this board. You will find lots of people who will give you support.

I am glad to hear that you are standing and will stand for you marriage no matter what happens. It takes lots of strength to do that but with God on your side, nothing is impossible. Keep praying and don't take off your wedding ring if you don't want to. I wear my engagement ring but that's because our wedding bands were stolen 2 years ago. But I'm standing strong as best as I can even though H has served me with divorce papers. It's a tough journey but God will lead us out of this desert we are in and into the promised land. Don't lose the faith. Pray for you husband day and night.

H98

I believe the topic of this thread is clear. IT is a place for those that are standing with God to restore their marriages. Some are divorced some are divorcing. Restoration can happen during the divorce process or after the divorce. Therefore anyone standing for their marriage, would be divorcing or divorced. This site is called marriage builders. Those believeing God will restore their marriage do belong under this topic.

We all need to be loving to each other. We need to support each other whether we are seeking restoration or not. Please respect each others choices. I do not need to defend my belief that my marriage will be restored. I do not have to defend my desire to have my marriage restored.

At the same time, NO one should have to defend not seeking restoration or the belief that their marriage cannot be restored.

I choose not to support or be a part of the WS bashing, even if it is venting. Some choose to be a part of this and that is THEIR choice. Please be kind and respect each others' choice as being that persons choice.

Again, it is very clear what this thread is about. If you do not feel or believe this way then it has nothing to do with you. No one is going to change anyone else. We are not here to decide if someone should or should not seek restoration. This thread is to support those that believe the same way about restoration.

This belief does not in anyway suggest all should take this stand. No one should be here to convince anyone otherwise.

Please stop attacking each other.

gentle

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sanguine:
<strong> Greengables,
LoveMyEx shared a website with me that was very encouraging and confirming. It is www.restorem.org. I ordered a book on restoring your marriage and was blessed to receive the first chapter to download while I waited for the book to come. In reading it last night, God confirmed so many things that He has been showing me over the last year of "Standing".
One comment came to mind as I reread your post. It said that God does not want your marriage to end. He does not have a "better" husband for you out there somewhere.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not? He had a better one out there for me.

Sanguine,

I can't remember your situation, but at the other website www.rejoiceministries.org , a really good book is "The Prodigal's Perspective" and "Prodigals Do Come Home." It is written by the husband (who had an affair) and is very insightful.

God bless you and be discerning in all you read, etc. here and elsewhere. Do as it says in the Word and set your face like flint! ("Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame." Isaiah 50:7)

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 01:32 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Like Gentle said, the purpose of this thread is not to convince others of what they ought to do in their marriages. It is to support those who desire reconciliation.

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 01:26 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 01:34 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Hopeful, you said, "If I can help at least ONE person, I'll know I've done good. That's what God wants me to do."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I agree.

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 01:35 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

The thread is nice, and there is nothing wrong with standing for you marriage, no matter what stage it may be in. Divorced, divorcing, seperated, or just barely hanging.

But.....we all know that it a road less traveled and one that will need tons of encouragement and support. That support can come from friends, message baords, books and yes, even emails.

Want, desire, need a place other than here to post.

Not much, but just a place for me to share and hopefully help others if at all possible.

Jehovah Rophe - for I am Jehovah who heals you
Message Boards - Never been used, maybe a good place to start

elspeth,

I am happy for you that there was someone "better" out there for you.

Still, this shouldn't be a debate. My current marriage is my second marriage. I left my first husband. So, as you can see I am in no place to judge anyone. I have been on both side of the leaving and getting left.

To me my first marriage wasn't reconcilable or I would have went back. That is all in the past now. Maybe if my first husband had of turned to God to restore our marriage maybe we would still be together. Maybe if I had of turned to God myself, the marriage would have been restored. That didn't happen. Only God knows what would have happen if he or I had of turned to Him to restore.


This thread is more about were we are now. This is the road we have taken. God revealed my past wrongs to me. I have had to make amends for what I did to my first husband. I have had to make amends for what I did to my current husband.

We here have just choosen a different road. We choose to wait on God to bring our current spouse home. We do not believe there is someone "better" out there for us.

This thread is not about what road should be taken by someone. We have already chosen this path. We are here to support each other in that descion.

God blesses us even when we make mistakes. He didn't call me to stand for my first marriage. I don't know why. Maybe he called me and I didn't listen. All I know is, this is where I am today.

Believe me this stand is a hard one to take. Many get offended when they discover what I am doing. It is like by taking this stand, they feel I am saying they didn't do what they were supposed to do. I get this all the time. That is OK. I understand. I am just asking that this be a thread for support of those that are called to stand. Please don't let it become a debate about whether someone should stand or not, either before or after divorce.

Again, I am so glad things worked out good for you. Yes, there are good second marriage. I am praying mine is one of those. In my case it had to be a bad marriage before it could become a good marriage. That is where we are today, working on a good marriage.


gentle

Trusting Her,

I am sorry about your divorce. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Has your wife remarried? Have you considered reconciliing or have you done things in that direction?

I saw your website. It is very nice looking. You are allowing God to use you and your experience of divorce. Those statistics were sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But true.