My wife and I Have been Married five years, and I thought we were both very happy. Both of us have changed jobs in the last couple of years due to the company that we both worked for going out of business. We work in different towns, and both of us commute to our new jobs. Due to both of us having new jobs, and the pressures that accompanied them our lives have changed somewhat in the last couple of years. In addition my wife has had some problems with her teenaged daughter that have added additional stress to our lives. I have always been supportive of her in every way. About six months ago my wife arranged for us to meet a man that she works with and his wife for dinner. I thought nothing of this , but as the evening progressed things just didn't seem exactly right. There was a certain look of familiarity in both of their eyes that suggested more than just a working relationship. During dinner the conversation was mainly between the two of them, and his wife and I were almost ignored. Also, when he spoke to his wife he was very curt with her and seemed to talk down to her. As we left the restaurant, he made it a point to give my wife a big hug, and to kiss her on the cheek. This in itself may notseem so strange except for the fact that my wife had always made it a point that she did not like people to be touch-feely with her. I did not say anything about my feelings as I did not want to be the jealous husband. Over the next few weeks she seemed to not be her normal self, almost distant to me. One day she suggested that we get together with them again for dinner. At this time I told her that I just did not feel comfortable around him. She said that they were just friends, and that I was just being paranoid. Well, two months ago, I found out quite by accident that they had been having secret phone conversations for at least eight months. They would call each other when I was out of town on business, gone to the golf course, while she drove to and from work----whenever myself and his wife were not around. I confirmed this by securing cell phone records. She claimed to not find anything wrong with this behavior. She said they were only friends, and that he couldn't talk to his wife about their problems because she got too emotional. Her excuse was that she talked to him to get a male's prospective on things, because I fussed at her. The fussing she referred to was when I found out back in December that she had charged almost $9000.00 on credit cards that I knew nothing about. She is right -- I blew my stack. We had just finished paying off credit card debt that she had when we got married, and I was under the impression that we were debt free. I probably could have handled the situation better, but after I had my say and told her that the hiding of bills had to stop, I agreed to help her pay off these debts. I find these calls to be totally unacceptable, and I would welcome anyone's comments. I am very hurt, and I dpn't feel that I can trust her. She refuses to believe that their is any emotional attachment with this man.<BR>

Oh no, the issue ain't that she BELIEVES it is harmless activity or not; it's that she is lying and going behind your back. dude, I hate to break it to ya, but she is having a bigtime affair. And 9 g's on the card??? Man, she is making a fool out of you. If I were you, and I'm serious, I'd dump her so fast. You do not have her respect. You do not have her love. You are her human wallet, and that's it.<P>

The issue isn't the denial about an emotional attachment, it's the hiding of information. She's already hidden previous things from you (the credit charges), but the phone calls are only another thing you can't help but be suspicious of. I tell you the same thing I'd tell a female friend: trust your instincts. If something clued you in on that dinner, telling her you didn't feel comfortable may have been the right way to go. Depending on how diligently she fought to secure a 2nd dinner date could be some indication of her feelings for him if there are any outside of a working relationship.<P>Keep in mind, she may not be having an affair, she may just enjoy the company or attention she's getting from this man. However, the fact that she's been lying by omission to you for 8 months is not a good indication, and she can't deny that.<P>Big tip, whenever someone tries to convince you, against your better judgement, that you're crazy, paranoid, imagining things, fill-in-the-blank mental problem, then they're usually dodging.<P>Good luck.<BR>Nynavey

I am a woman who's ex H did just about the same thing. PLEASE IF I MAY - TAKE MY ADVICE AND YOU'LL NEVER BE SORRY!!!!<p>PROTECT YOURSELF FINANCIALLY!!!!!<p>SEPERATE 'EVERYTHING' LEGALLY - like, get all YOUR credit cards, cars, house if possible, loans, etc., etc., OUT OF YOUR NAME if they're HER debts. TAKE YOUR NAME OFF EVERYTHING that BELONGS TO HER. If you poss. seperate for a poss. divorce, ONE OR THE OTHER is going to be obnoxious, demanding and will NOT be amiable during this period...<p>YOU WON'T BE SORRY YOU DID. <p>OPEN a confidential SAVINGS/CHECKING account and DO NOT TELL HER YOU DID THIS. 'Ciphen' some money out of the paychecks ($100 here, $100 there) to give yourself a little 'backup' and
lastly...<p>TAKE OVER THE BILLS YOURSELF!!!! If you allow the other person to COMPLETELY control and handle them, YOU'LL be the one duped - as she's already done. <p>THIS ISN'T LOVE - Love looks out for the SAFE, TRUSTWORTHY, DEPENDABLE 'WELFARE' of the OTHER - as well as it's own... IT GIVES - NOT disregards and TAKES SELFISHLY. <p>Please don't let her 'ruin' YOUR credit, finances and etc. then sit there later and say I SHOULDA, I COULDA, ETC.<p>You can work out any relationship problems LATER - but it sounds like she's already having 'AN EMOTIONAL' affair that's developed so far - THE NEXT step is temptation that may, if not already, lead into a PHYSICAL one. <p>PLEASE PROTECT YOUR FINANCES, ETC. One of THE MOST PAINFUL and ONE OF THE MOST COMMON (trust me, I've been thru this TWICE before I 'got it') IS FIGHTING TO 'UNTIE' and cut the LEGAL threads that bind you together. <p>People aren't always going to do what WE think they should or would do, say, feel - sounds like you're the COMMITTED one - I don't understand why people do such awful things to one another - I always believed they 'wanted to be loved just once in their life.' <p>But when they GET IT from someone like you, they throw it all away for what?? The grass may seem greener on the other side - BUT IT STILL HAS TO BE MOWED!!!<p>I'm confused on why SHE's angry at YOU???<p>Maybe resentful from her own guilt???<p>Anyhow, I'm so very sorry you're going thru such a hard time. Maybe talking privately to HIS wife may help you to understand another part of the story and maybe the TWO OF YOU can come to some conclusions - if HIS wife has been suspicious, she may need someone to talk to also to HELP HER figure out the truth and then MAYBE BOTH OF YOU can confront them. <p>BUT PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE PROTECT yourself as a lot of times the wife CLEANS THE MAN OUT FOR EVERYTHING HE HAS AND THEN SOME... <p>In my case MY EX Husband WAS THE CLEANER.... it's just amazing what they're capable of when there's any conflict and affairs involved. <p>They seem to turn into someone YOU NEVER KNEW and do things YOU NEVER IMAGINED THEY WOULD EVER DO TO YOU. <p>YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL HER ANYTHING about what you're doing and if things work out well, then you have security in knowing your credit, money set aside and etc., is for the BOTH OF YOU. <p>If it doesn't work out - then you've kept was what was yours and she wasn't able to 'RIP YOU OFF' - BELIEVE ME - its painful enough to get betrayed in the WORST MANNER POSSIBLE - but when they take all your PRIDE, HEART AND SOUL - but it also stings WORSE when they screw you over with money that was YOURS, leave you with a lot of bills that were theirs to BEGIN with and even if they SAY they'll help you - DON'T COUNT ON IT as their FOCUS is the NEW PERSON - the NEW - not the FORMER...<p>A little more suggestions if I may please???<p>THE PERSON THAT FILES DIVORCE FIRST usually has the control.... in most states as I work in a legal firm. <p>On the internet, type in any search engine "FREE LEGAL FORMS." You can pick and choose and have FREE access to instructions and forms to file your own divorce if it EVER comes to that and I pray it doesn't - then in most states also, you can call the FAMILY COURT CLERKS OFFICE and find out what their 'filing' fees are - some are around $100, some $200. You can obtain copies of divorce decrees in Law Libraries and choose one that fits your circumstances, word your OWN terms for visitation with children, etc. <p>FYI - just to help a little in WORSE CASE SCENARIO. <p>Not many people know this stuff and I'm sorry if I was too aggressive or strong with my 'advice' but please keep it in mind just in case to PROTECT YOURSELF. <p>I do and will pray for you that what you believe is NOT what you'll see later. I pray that you and your spouse can stay together and overcome this situation - its just that from a woman's point, it sounds pretty WRONG - and not good. <p>Take care and again, this is just IMVHO...<p>God Bless, Jordan