Hello, I just found this site and I am desparate for help. We have had our fair share of problems over the past 10 years however somehow I thought he would always be there for me and now he is gone and filed papers for a legal separation and I cannot even bring myself to open the letter from the attorney. I do not want my marriage to end and love this man deeply, I have been a nagging wife and now I am soo soo sorry and I am only wishing that there were crumbs on my counter left by him and hair in my sink. There have been several other issues as well, like me blaming him for everything that has ever gone wrong and I see that it was wrong of me to do. I am so lost and want to try to save this but he states he has no feelings left for me and has been distant and cold. Is there any hope for this to work out??? I believe in my marriage vows and for better and for worse and this is definatly the worse but I need to somehow get him back to us. Please help with any suggestions or thoughts. Thank You, Deena

Deena,
I'm sorry you are in such pain. There is hope!
I'm proof.
My greatest help has been God.
By growing spiritually (attend church regularly, joining a small group, daily Bible reading & prayer)I have become stronger emotionally & this has been good for all my relationships.
I'm becoming a 'new' person & my friends, family, children are blessed because of that.

It helped me deal with my own failures in the marriage - to be forgiven by God and myself and to learn to do things better.

This painful stage is about you growing to be the best person you can be. In time this will be very attractive to yourself, your children, and him if he has any sense at all.

After you've admitted your mistakes to yourself and him - let them go. Don't abuse yourself by rehearsing them, nor let him continually put you down because of them.
You will be helped with a clear future vision and an upward vision. I pray for you now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tom's Wife:
<strong> believe in my marriage vows and for better and for worse and this is definatly the worse but I need to somehow get him back to us. Please help with any suggestions or thoughts. Thank You, Deena </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Deena,
Mikes advice is very good. It is similar to what I have done to hold body and soul together.

A few other thing that you might try. Try reading these two books:

"When Love Dies" (How to Save a Hopeless Marriage) If you buy this book from Amazon you also get this book with it: "How to Save Your Marriage Alone".

"How to Save Your Marriage Alone" is tiny in size but is full of hope. It has a near perfect Plan A. It will shows how to keep from Love Busting and do it through faith.
web page

I think your H has feelings, but he is angry and full of resolve. He is cold because he is expecting a fight from you to persuade him not to leave. Throw down your weapon, don't fight. Agree with him, and his arguments. Tell him you love him, you married for life and that you know you hurt him by nagging and you are willing change this habit and others that he finds so objectionable. It will disarm him. Once he gets his way and his say, there is no more reason to fight. Then you demonstrate it by not love busting are going against any of his wishes. Be loving kind and understanding even though he may not be to you, at least for now.

He is in love with his negative feelings, so much so that they spured him on to file, no doubt to show you he means business. But separation is not divorce and you have an opportunity to change yourself and for him to see it. But you must be consistant and not look for results right away, It may take a long time. You can win him back if you believe you can and let God help you. Ask Him to help you through this. As many on this site have said; "God hates divorce".

To Paraphrase a saying by the famed football coach, Vince Lombardi. "The one who wins isn't the fastest, strongest or smartest but the one who believes he can."

My Prayers are with you, but better yet, your God is too.

Do the best possible Plan A ever. And that includes not demanding he come back. Or even ask for that right now.

I don't know the laws of your state, but I find it hopeful he file for legal separation rather than divorce.

He has just the teeniest amount of hope left. Just make sure you avoid LoveBusters. There is never an excuse to LB. And LB's kill hope.

In your position it is really hard not to LB because you're hurt and angry and sad. HOWEVER, you can avoid them. Just think three times before you say anything to him.

Good luck. And hugs.

Tom's Wife,
My heart goes out to you.

I am very tired right now,but please go to www.restorem.org and www.rejoiceministries.org

Also, the book recommended "How to Save Your Marirage Alone" is really good.

There is another one too called "How to Win Your Husband Back Before it is too late" by Gary Smalley. It's also very good.

May God quiet and still your heart and give you wisdom, strength, and peace to face this difficult time AND to rebuild your relationship with your husband.

Oh....my heart goes out to you! I can't know what you are feeling but I can know that there is hope!

You will start a roller coaster ride where all you want to do is get H back. Be careful! I did a lot of things before I found out about this site. Things that she is now using against me in the courts and things that she has prepped up her heart in her righteuosness to be with the OM.

Read everything you can on this site! Take time to recoup your heart! Pray for the God of all mercies to fill your heart and mind with Him! His mercies are new every morning! If you know Him - His Grace is sufficient for you!

Thank You for your supportive replies and caring words and encouragement, I truly needed to hear some positives espically after leaving the thearapists office who replied that sometimes people are "too far gone" and that did not make me feel better. Sounds strange but even if it is not ever going to work out, I need to believe and have faith that things will right now. He is still being the stoic man he has always been and has built up a wall so large but I know that there are cracks in walls and I am detirmined to get through. He has been spending alot of time with his buddy who never liked me because I took his bud away from him and we were always in a bit of a silent tug of war over my husbands attention and time. I am sure that this person is a contributing factor in my husband not wanting to work things out. I am so sad and am even taking medicine right now to help me get through. I am so utterly worried about finances and he seems to not have a care in the world. I told him that he abandoned me and he is denying it, but isn't that what he is doing??? Complete refusal to work on problems means abandonment right? Maybe I AM wrong and he is right. I told him he was acting like a deadbeat Dad and he became furious but he has only sporadically seen our daughter and on Tuesday (veterans day) there was no school and he stayed with her while I was at work for only about 3 hours and than LEFT her alone for the rest of the day till almost 6pm!!! Isn't that irresponsible??? He says "she was fine" but I KNOW she is still too young to be home for that length of time alone and was very scared and lonley because she kept calling me at work all day.

Well, this post is really growing very long and I actually have to get going to talk to another thearapist today. Thank you all again, Deena

Deena,
I'd like to share a few lessons learned:
When my husband left a year ago, the first book I read was How to Save your Marriage Alone. It is excellent!! I was determined to show him all of the love I could.
Instead, I did everything in the book wrong! I verbally attacked him for what he was doing, shared his escapades with "concerned" people, forced him out of the house, commented many times about the other woman, and on and on...At the same time, I sent him letters, cards and emails telling him how much I loved him and wanted him home. No wonder he says my actions confuse him!! My hope has been in God and his power to restore, but my actions have come out of my hurting emotions.
Be so careful what you say and do. The more harm you do now, the harder it will be to work through the mess you've created later.
This is not to say that he is justified in what he is doing, but two wrongs don't make a right! Keep yourself on the narrow road, search God's Word and try not to have too many counselors. LoveMyEx has terrific advice and the websites she referred you to have been a blessing to me. They offer Godly wisdom straight from the Source of Truth. The restorem.org site has a book you can order called "Restore Your Marriage for women". I just received my copy yesterday and wish I had found out about it earlier. What a lot of time, energy and emotion I have wasted!
You'll be in my prayers.

I, too, am Tom's wife. Your description of yourself is what caught my eye.

For what it is worth, there is no dignity in chasing after a man, even if he is your husband. My H told me that he felt suffocated. Well, I felt abandoned.

You sound very clingy in your thread. Try being someone other than Tom's wife. Try being yourself.

I didn't even get it when he broke my arm. It took an affair for me to understand that he had no care for me at all. Now the therapist has told me that "the concept of care makes no sense to him."

You know what? I think that he has problems, sure, since he broke my arm and had an affair, BUT I also have a problem. My identify is as Tom's wife, and nothing more. Without Tom, I am nothing. I am a parasite.

Face legal separation with dignity. Look at a TooMuchCoffeMan signature line on the 180 degree approach to saving a marriage.

I cannot believe how low I sunk. I actually went down to OW's house (before I knew she was OW) to show her my broken arm because he had punched me because I was threatening to call her because he said she kept calling him and it would be rude of him to hang up. How little dignity did I have? It was less than a week after surgery on the arm, I had the bandages from the surgery, and I drove a stick shift car on the highway and parked in the alley behind her house to wait for her to show her my arm. That's how desparate I was to save our marriage.

Consider to what level you may sink to save your M. It will only hurt the chances of saving your M because it will be evidence of your own lack of dignity. When I returned, and Sophia had not shown up, my H came home all upset. I sat on the stairs and said, "I want you to care about me more than Sophia" and he said, "If it wasn't for the kids, I'd be long gone."

I cried. He had broken my arm, and rather than kicking him out of the house, I cried and told him I wanted him to care for me.

You have dignity as a person, regardless of whether Tom sees you that way. See yourself through God's eyes, not through his.

And if I am way off, reading my story into yours, I apologize.