Got a call from my sister in AL saying that I had to call my grandparents (back home in TN) asap.

Meanwhile, Jethro has my son for the weekend and I allowed him to take my son to visit the outlaws who have their farm about 30 mi. outside of my hometown in TN.

I have been doing very well and have gotten Jethro to somehow behave and will only respond to him if he nicely sends an email or leaves a nice vmail. That is the only way I will respond and so far he is abiding (four days mind you) to my new rules/boundaries I've set firmly in place.

I couldn't help but wonder what's really going on...He is all about alterior motives and just so happens, OW1, Monkeyho, lives in my old hometown and he used to drop off our son at his parents (the outlaws) and go and shack up with monkeyho when he'd say he was having a boys' weekend at his parents farm. The enabling outlaws would watch son and let him run off to Tunica or to play about.

Anyway, Jethro has not phoned my family members in over 2 years...any wonder why? And suddenly today he phones my eighty five year old grandparents to ask if he can "come over for a visit and bring my son". My son and I talk to my grandparents about three times a week. I love them and they practically raised my sister and I. They are disgusted with Jethro and if my grandpa gets around him, I wouldn't be surprised if he decked him. Anyway, it really shook up my grandma. She called my sister crying. This is an 85 yo great grandma ok? She had a stroke last year and is kinda fragile. She cried to my sister "why can't he just leave us alone and not come around anymore?". Anyway, I called my grandparents and calmly told them to when JEthro calls back (Jethro asked if he could come over on monday with son), to say that they'd be delighted to watch my son and let JEthro just go and run errands or something as he must be busy...(that way they don't have to interact with Jethro and can have quality time one on one with my son). I told them to not focus on Jethro, but on fact they are going to see great grandson.

I know there's more to this than meets the eye. Jethro just doesn't do something for somebody. There's always some catch to it. Either he's suddenly feeling guilt over his life the last two years (abuse and cheating and shacking up in front of his son) or he wants a way to go into town and visit MOnkeyho again and have instant in-town babysitters. But I don't care. I just want my grandparents to see my son once more before the holidays. I told them to focus on that.

Honestly, I don't see how the man can even stand before my family and even look at them after everything he has done to me and to my child. My grandpa promised me he'd be a gentleman and do as I asked him to do for the sake of my child and not verbally lash out at Jethro or do anything...My papaw really wants to have a go at him and would punch him in the face if given the chance. My grandma just still cries about the whole thing sometimes.

I don't want them upset. Jethro just doesn't know how he hurt so many people. People who had to stand back and watch a family being brought down and it hurts them. Funny thing, is I am doing so much better now. I don't want Jethro back in any way, shape or form. I do not hate him but feel sorry for him as I know he has some really serious issues and needs help. In fact, after knowing the facts, he's probably cheating this weekend on Family Values with OW1 again and I almost feel sorry for FV getting into this...She's younger than Monkeyho by 10 years and doesn't know what she's up against. But I do.

Some of this is rambling, I know, but it's my thoughts.

Guess in the end, I hope and pray that I was clear enough when speaking to my grandparents that 1)I wanted them to see my son and have a visit and 2)that it was NOT about me or jethro, that it was about spending time with my son and 3)that they should just take the higher road and be decent and civil towards jethro so that my son doesn't see any more negative stuff.

I worry that their seeing Jethro even for a short while dropping off my son would make them really upset and I worry about my grandma and her stress levels. I didn't realize how much my family disliked him until today when my sister and relatives flew into rages about Jethro calling them up. You see, several months ago when he first tried to force FV onto me, he said that "I should just get over things as we WEREN'T A FAMILY ANYMORE AND THAT I AM NOTHING TO HIS RELATIVES." Yet today he said to my grandpa and grandma over the phone "Hey Mamaw and Papaw! Just thought I would say hi!"...Like it's ok to have me excommunicated from his family, but my family is supposed to still allow him to hold court and treat him like Mr. Wonderful. Not so. That's what made my sister and brother in law furious.

I am letting things die down and let them calm down. I will phone my grandparents on Sun. and gently re-state my thoughts and wishes on how to handle this. My gut instinct tells me that 1)Jethro is up to something and 2)something's amuck with he and FV and that 3)he's in contact with Monkeyho again (she was in his list of email addresses once again in a stupid email forward he sent to me...along with my email and FV's email too) and 4)he may be feeling guilty.

Yea, those are my instincts and usually when dealing with his antics I am 99.9% on the money. But the funny part is that my emotions with regard to JEthro are basically numb. Nothing. I feel absolutely nothing and have now for almost two weeks since the preggo news. I got mad, angry and blam. Nothing.

I am glad for this I guess. Yesterday he said he'd send the check (he ws past the deadline for child support this month and is in contempt again) and promised to get some to me within a week...I was decent and kind but brief and got off of phone. I just don't feel anything after all he has done.

It's amazing how the xWS want people to believe they are "really great people". And how they will try to pull everybody else into their fog and make them think it's ok to do what they've done. Now that the papers are signed, we all can be one happy, broken family. That we can just suddenly all get along and be friends and that all of that poop he did was "all in the past" and "behind us all now"...He said those words to me and I think this yahoo believes it.

I am personally just thankful for the new feeling of nothing. It's really good. Last night I watched a movie with two girlfriends at my house. We had a very laid back evening and ate nacho chips and made rotel. I like who I am now away from him. And I don't have to feel like I am needing to jump thru any hoops with regard to his relatives or prove anything. I already did that. I am just living now and looking forward to the day when he hopefully pays us the monies he owes us and when the time comes that I want to move on with my life (probably in a year or two) and date again.

Healing sure does take a while but doing so with a clean heart and conscience makes it worth it.

Just to drop by and say hi sweety <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Have you see "Bye, bye love" ? ... -rh-

peachy - good for the talk with the grandparents, and yes, the worry about grandma and her delicate condition. There could be also the issue of grandpa stating to Jethro, that we love to have grandson over, grandma needs TLC and no stress in a nice way. So that he just doesn't show up one day on their doorstep. And that grandma would love to see grandson ONLY, and the same with Grandpa.

Just a little thought, to make it clear to Jethro. Sometimes, these wayward spouses need to have things spelled out s-l-o-w-l-y.....!

Was nice to watch a movie with a few of your girlfriends. Take time for yourself, and do things that are for you.

I was really down, with the way my X as been with the Alimony and Childsupport. Did state to him yesterday that I will do the paperwork. It is more of his control and manipulation, but I was convinced by my First Step counselor, that this is the only way it will get done. So sad, that this man has to control things this way, he is intelligent, and could do it if he wanted to, but philosophying here is more important than I am. He said, he doesn't understand the paperwork, I see through the words, and see that he is trying to prove power over me. But I will once again, just do it, and get my money.

Peachy, the contact causes great amount of regression for you and I. If they were to act in a normal fashion, caring, and with compassion, it would be different. But when you are continuously, fighting, causes great amount of stress and depression. I normally don't eat much, but these last few days, I have been eating anything, and everything. I know this is eating with depression and hopelessness.

Continue on the great path of Peachy. How is the job search going?

I am not sure that I will beable to continue on the path of Sonogram. Job search has a weight lifting criteria. So it may be out now too. Thinking of what I am able to do, and that wears me out too. Homework these last 5 weeks of art history are going to be rough. So much to read and memorize. Professor says, we need to finish the book before final exam. One student piped up and said, there is so much to learn. Professor said yep. Anyways, I am into the next assignment, and rereading the papers that I take notes on, and have to photo copy the pieces that I have to memorize, making flash card sort of pictures, to help memorize the pieces.

You have done well Peachy, and lost weight, and in good physical shape, and mental shape is coming along well. The statement that you said, of never wanting him back is a forward step.

Be active, join a yoga class. I am looking into one now. The neurologist suggested it for me, as well as my Dr. Chiropractor. Both said, would do me a lot of good. Help me lose weight, and get emotional self lifting.

Keep up the good work hon, and God loves you!

What a sensible thing you did, Peachy.

You reminded your grandparents that Jethro didn't really matter any more, and that their great grandson was coming to visit. You diffused the situation, making it pleasant for those you care about. And if along the way Jethro gets what he wants too, so what?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justpeachy:
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</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just an observation.

XPB, I was thinking the same thing but didn't know how to say it.

It will be good for son to see GP's but you can't control that either Peachy. If you are not now talking to a counselor, please do so soon. Letting go is hard, and sometimes we need help to focus on our own actions, not the actions of others.

May God bless you and your family.

Peachy, you are one determined woman and I admire that. You keep plugging along and never give up. You exercise to stay in shape, and it's one of the best ways to practice self care. Jethro seems to have an endless supply of tactics to get under your skin. Just as you seem to be detaching from the news that sent you reeling over jethro's 'new family', he's retreating and coming around on the flanks. Now he's involving your grandparents in his newest tactic to get under your skin. Once again you are spending precious brain cells speculating on his motives, his actions.

It's only natural for you to be concerned for your grandparents and to wish that their life be calm and serene. Jethro is beyond your control, and it's beyond your ability to prevent him from interacting with your grandparents. Your gp's have the same options available to you. They can choose to interact with jethro, or not. There's a price to pay with either choice. If they tell him to buzz off and never call again, they'll forfeit a visit with their grandson. If they want the visit, they'll pay the price of making a wee bit of room for jethro to be part of their lives for a day. It's their choice to make.

I can't remember which author I read who talked about buttons. Whoever it was said it's our job to move our buttons when someone repeatedly insists on pushing them. Jethro's real good at finding and pushing your buttons. I hope and pray that your next step in healing will be the ability to hide your buttons from him so they won't get pushed anymore. I can remember the first time I moved my buttons and successfully detached from a crazymaking session with my stbx. It felt so good I nearly laughed out loud right then and there. Faithfulwife describes the same thing in her thread about going to the movies. His antics will never cease to amaze, but there will come a day when you can let your jaw drop in disbelief for a moment and then carry on your merry way. If you find visual images helpful, here's one that I used frequently in my first year of separation. "I am wearing armor made of teflon! Nothing he throws at me will stick!" I picture myself putting on the different pieces if I know a confrontation is coming. The helmet goes on last, and that's the moment I'm ready for anything. That's just an example. It's a process of booting out the negative thoughts devoted to him and replacing them with positive thoughts devoted to me. hope this helps. I know you'll keep trying no matter what happens next.

Peachy,

Good work with the boundaries!!! Looks like you're making progress.