2 months ago my wife informed me that she may have never really wanted to get married and "Loves me but is not in love with me". We've been married for 12 yaers with 4 children. We started by agreeing to go to counseling and within 2 days she decided that she wanted to be separated. She felt that I should leave so it would be less stressful on the kids. I unwillingly abided. I have been completely against the separation from the start. We were able to start counseling a few weeks later but she kept getting more distant from me. After the 3rd week of counseling she decided that she didn't want to be together and didn't want to work on being together. She has now decided on divorce because she doesn't want to be married anymore. She has not talked about filing yet but she is looking into the laws and requirements.
We have been able to keep things civil between us and are doing our best to stay close friends. I have been through the entire Marriage Builders site and I have been working on the Basic Concepts for a couple weeks. I have read a few books, including MWD's Divorce Busting. No matter what I do or say, she keeps on her track of her own life without me. She even started going to a support group for separated and divorced mothers. Any time I bring up the possibility of us getting together, she reminds me that that is not what she wants. She does not want an intimate relationship, she wants to be the best of friends.
My family does not understand why I am willing to accept things as they are. I want to be home with my wife and children but my wife does not want me there. I am getting pressure to just go back home and do what I want. She is the one that wants out but I am the one that had to leave. My being away has been helping us to stay friends, if I go home and she is forced to leave, she will hate me for it.
Am I wrong for doing everything her way? Should I start looking out for me? All I want is for us all to be a happy, loving family again but I am afraid that that may not happen and she gets her way while I suffer.

Want,

The things your wife has said are no different from what my husband said. All the WS say "I love you, I am just not in love with you." Most also say, " we should have never gotten married in the first place." I used these same excuses when I left my first husband. These are excuses that allows the WS to do what they want and in their minds reason it it OK.

My current husband left almost four years ago. We are not divorced and he is almost always here now. It has taken time and a lot of healing. I started out begging him to come home. I tried reasoning with him as to why he should be home. None of this worked. Why, because they want away from us. THe harder we try to hold on to them the more they want away.

You know how yur wife feels about being around her right now. How could going home help? You can't make her live with you. You can't make her love you. You can't make her do anything. Trying to make her will just cause her to grow more bitter and want you away all the more. You cannot convince her of what is right or wrong at this point.

Maybe you will be in the house. But, a judge with eventually make one of you leave. It doesn't really matter which one wants to leave. It matters more who gets custody of the children. How is any of this protecting you or your children? Making you wife angry will not solve anything it will just make things worse. You can demand what is "right", but see were it gets you.

I had to let my husband go. I had to stop fighting him. When I did, things slowed down. He never get the divorce he filed for three and half years ago.

I don't know about your faith in God, but that is were I found my hope. I found this web site and this one www.restorem.org. I started learning what I need to do in order for me to change. If you do an search with my memeber number here and on the prayer request forum, you can read about my story and how things have changed in my marriage. You will also find others that have marriage restored or that are leading toward a restored marriage.

You will find much support on the prayer request forum. Listen to people who have been where you are at now. Read were they are at today and how they got there. You will begin to see what works and what doesn't work.

gentle

The last thing that I want to do is cause more of a problem between us, however, I feel that I have to do everything her way to make her happy regardless of what it is doing to me. It is not easy being away from everything that means something to me. I do see all of them alot, but it only take one day to feel alone.
My family, even the relative that I am staying with, keep telling me that it's my house too and she has no right making me leave. How can I get out of the pressure of the people around me giving me advice that I know won't help things?

WishIWereHome,

Gentle has given you some very good advice and as someone who has also been in your shoes I can tell you that trying to force anything on her will only push her farther away. It really doesn't matter what other people think about what you are doing, what do you think? I believe you know that your children are better off being in their own home, and that if you were to insist on moving back in your wife would most likely just move out herself and how would that make anything better? It would only make it worse in the long run, especially for your children.

You need to use this time to work on yourself so that if or when your wife is ready to open up and try again you will have done everything necessary to become a better person and will be in a much better position to be able to make things work.

I am truly sorry you are going through this... believe me I know how much it hurts and I know how frustrating it is to have no control over things. Just work on yourself and read all you can on here and other websites and try to take it just one day at a time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thank you for the advice and support. It's nice to finally hear something from people that understand and agree rather than tell me that "I'm crazy for letting her do this to me". I don't think "she did this to me", I think we did this to us.

Although being with my w and kids is where I want to be. I have decided to work more toward my own place(without the opinionated relatives). A definate 180 in my eyes, as well as hers.

Hoping for nothing but the best

Wishing,

This sounds like a wise move. Don't give up. There are many here in the same boat as you.

It took my husband a long time to get where he wanted to stay here with me. It takes time. I had to stop listening to my family as well.

gentle

Hi,

If you do decide to find your own place might I also suggest you get a temp custody agreement in place. It will than give you time with your children without your wife around. It will give her a taste of divorced life. Also iron out a temp financial agreement than any debts she incures will be hers alone and not divided if a divorce happens.

I know you want your marriage and sometimes people need to see what a divorce is like before they can open their eyes. Hange in there and still work on the marriage but give her the freedom she so desperatly wants so she can see that the freedom she dreamed of is not as easy and married life is.

MoiNouvelle
Thanks for the advice, especialy the financial.
Custody is no problem, we have already come to a verbal agreement.
Money is the only thing standing in the way right now. We need to sell our house before we can both afford to live on our own. I hope that just taking steps in that direction will get her thinking more. She knows that she will have to pack up her and the kids and find someplace to go. Perhaps once her life starts getting bounced around like mine, she will feel a little differently. I only want her to decide to try more for our M before giving up.