Everything's been pretty peaceful between me and the X for awhile, but it went down the tube tonight.

XW has recently moved into a condo paid for by her BF (he doesn't live there, btw). I know he's been more involved in D's life lately, and I don't grudge him that, since he seems to be a positive influence on her.

I called to talk to D, but she's spending the night at a friends' house. I got the number, and called, but she was out at the mall with her friend. The mom, whom I haven't met, apologized for not getting my permission for her to go to the mall, and I said "that's okay, she doesn't live with me anymore..."

To which she replied "oh, you're her real dad..."

That threw me for a loop, 'cause I didn't know she had any other dads!

I figured it was probably just a misunderstanding, but it stuck in my mind "does she think BF is the dad? Why would she think that?"

Like a fool, I called the XW and asked her.

She flew off the handle in under 5 seconds, saying how I was "jealous" of BF and how I "needed to get over it." She got real defensive and really angry really fast. I kept my cool, apologized for bringing it up, and said goodbye.


It is still bothering me, though.

Like I said, I don't really have a problem with this guy...heck, I've never met him (his choice, though I've offered), but it scares me to think that he's so much more "present" in her life that others might assume he's the dad.

Do I have a right to be even a little bothered by that?

If your XS called and expressed a concern over parenting roles would you be offended?


Or is one (or both) of us just nuts?


Sorry for the rant. I know its not a big thing, it's just throwing my night off and I needed to vent.

Thanks.

<small>[ November 10, 2003, 09:32 PM: Message edited by: cjack ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sorry for the rant. I know its not a big thing, it's just throwing my night off and I needed to vent. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No need to be sorry, you are among friends here!

You are to be commended!

Chin up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ November 10, 2003, 10:19 PM: Message edited by: Ragamuffin ]</small>

cjack,

My husband went thru the same thing with his ex. His oldest son made a paper airplane. On one side he wrote mom and on the other he wrote dad. My H thought he did it thinking about his mom and dad together. Not so. He meant his step-father. My H was VERY upset about it. He called his ex and asked her about it. She got defensive but in a nervous way.

My H is a man who gets his children any chance he can. They are as much a part of our household as my own children. We would keep them more often if his ex would let us. For his kids to be calling another man dad was like a slap in the face to him. So yes, I can understand your frustration about this!

My ex, on the other hand, has almost nothing to do with his children. My youngest, who was 2 when his father left and is now 6, wants to call my H "Dad". I always remind him that "Terry is your step-dad". He doesn't call him dad often but when he draws pictures for him or something like that, he always writes "To Dad, from Noah". We don't encourage it, but it's just how he feels.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Ragamuffin and Mitzi.

I'm a bit better now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

There's an extra dimension of weirdness here because I'm not "technically" her father.

That designation belongs to some loser who skipped town before she was born and hasn't been seen since.

I'm the guy who volunteered to take over the job.

So I guess I'm a bit more sensitive when it comes to the "job" of being "dad" because I feel like its something I've earned, and I'd hate to think that someone else could be muscling in on my gig!

I know that's not going to happen, and I'll always be her dad, but the perception that someone else is her dad just bugs me.

Or maybe the XW is just frustrated that she can't replace me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

cjack,

If you earned it, then you are her father!! It takes more than sperm to be a daddy!

Most days, I feel that my ex was just that, a sperm donor!

Glad you're feeling better!

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

cjack,

Yes, your feelings are normal--

And something you should also consider is that the
friends mother may not have realized you are as involved in your daughters life as you are--

she may have just 'assumed' on her own that your daughter's dad was not in the picture--to which your ex-wife has no control over what the other woman assumes---

And your ex getting upset--may just be her own guilt--that she's taken the only real dad your daughter's known away from her--

My ex is not my OD's biological dad--but he is her dad--he adopted her and pays child support--
and he get's upset that she refers to her natural father at all--although--her natural father did not just skip out on the relationship--my ex in many way's pushed him out of the picture--and "I"
allowed that to happen--to try keep and peace within 'our' family--

anytime her natural family called or even sent a birthday or Christmas card/present--be it her grandparents, aunts or uncles--he took it as a threat that they were trying to get me and this man back together--or that it's what "I" wanted
and it got very ugly--so like I said..in order to keep the peace--I followed his wishes--to end any and all contact with them--

I know that decision has caused a lot of pain for many people--and one I will have to live with the rest of my life--but yet, at the same time I also know that they did not fight to keep that contact-
so I can not carry all the burden alone--but I do take responsibility for my part in that--and it hurts---

So if you want to continue to be an active part in her life--fight for that--