I am recently separated from my w of 9 years. I physically left two days ago, but have been gone emotionally for five years. I really don't have the time to go into all of the details but here is a brief synopsis.
I would like to start by saying that this is the hardest thing that I have ever done. My son is 4 years old and without question the most important thing in my life right now. I am living about 1 hour away from him. My wife and I agreed that I would see him every Wednesday night (tonight) and every other weekend. She really has placed no restrictions on my visiting him. The question comes at this point.....I spoke to him on the phone last night. All he did was cry and tell me he wanted me to come home. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I really don't know if it will be better to stay where I am and see him as often as possible, or move back hom and deal with his mother. Until we sell our house I know that i can't afford to live in my own place. Currently I am staying with a lady that works at the same place that I do. PURELY PLATONIC!!!!!(but don't ask the XW if she thinks so!!) In the perfect world I could afford to get a place in the same town and he could stay when he wanted to. I just want to do what is best for him. She and I don't fight (although she is starting to want to go out w/ friends and we squabble about that) we really don't even talk anymore. Some time I will take the time to pen the whole story but for now if anyone has input on this it would be appreciated.

John,
I am in a similar situation, although returning home is not an option for me. I was asked to leave. I have been seperated for over 2 months and seeing a lot of my kids(4 kids ages 3-10). There have been activities that we do together almost everyweekend and I see them 2 nights a week while she is at class. It was supposed to be every other weekend and every other week for class.
You may find that as things move on, you spend more time with your son than you thought you could.
I'm asked all the time when I am coming home and the best advice I got on answering that question was to "KIS"
When my oldest says when are you coming home, I say I'll be here monday when mommy has school, or I'll be here saturday morning.
If They Ask when I will be back home for good, I just give it a simple I don't know, but I'll be here monday when mommy has school.
I found that even if they don't have the ultimate answer that they want, they are content with knowing the next time they will see me.

Hope this helps, the begining is very hard and so far I have found that this MB is a good place to be.

By platonic, do you mean there is no sex or do you mean there is NOTHING AT ALL between you?

Why did you leave?

My son is 4 years old and without question the most important thing in my life right now. I am living about 1 hour away from him. My wife and I agreed that I would see him every Wednesday night (tonight) and every other weekend.
The MOST important thing in your life is only worth a few hours every two weeks?

I mean there is nothing AT ALL. She is a widow that is many years my senior. All of her kids are gone and she has a huge house. I trade doing odds and ends around the house and she gets occasional conversation. There are many reasons behind my leaving. This is actually the second time that we have separated. The first was about 6 years ago. After that one we decided to give it "one more chance". I moved back home and 2 months later we found out that she was pregnant. At this point I decided to give the marriage all of the dedication that I could muster. Counseling, courtship, you name it we tried it. After our son was born things started turning downward. It just really seems as if I can't do anything right. Things that may seem petty to her are huge to me and vice-versa. I know it sounds like I am whining but I really feel like neither one of us will ever be the partner that the other wants! As far as how much time I spend with my son that is what I am looking for. Is a separation easier when I see him weekly? I don't know. I will have a better feel about it after tonight when I see him. Please understand this......I want to spend all of the time that I possibly can with him....but I can't live with his mother anymore! Thanks for your input....I will take any advise I can get at this point.

Okay, so as you describe it, there seems to be nothing going on.

How did you come to live at her place? (apart from you work together)

things started turning downward
What does this mean?

It just really seems as if I can't do anything right. Things that may seem petty to her are huge to me and vice-versa.
Okay, so it's not one sided.

There are many reasons behind my leaving.
But you still didn't give a single reason.
List three reasons (be specific) you think divorce is the best option.

At work one day I was "venting/talking" to one of my supervisors (who happens to be her sup. as well) and the subject of separation came up. that is when she told me about the possibility of staying in town with the "widow". The biggest thing about it is the fact that there is no rent involved. Until we sell our house I cannot afford to commute, or pay rent on another place.

As far as the "downward turn" it just really seems like we began to grow apart at that time. We became more like roommates. I feel as if I am (was) a very romantic person and she got to the point that every time I tried to snuggle, hug etc. she would turn away. So eventually I quit trying. That would be reason #1.

#2 I am a teacher/coach and she is a teacher as well. With that in mind I probably don't need to tell you that we are not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. We are comfortable though. It seems as if she uses shopping as some kind of coping mechanism. There is a severe double standard as far as money goes. She justifies everything by saying things like....."it's for the kids or the house and you (I) spend money and have nothing tangible to show for it". So I guess that money is an issue. And we just seem to keep getting deeper and deeper in debt.

#3 For about the first 3-4 years of our relationship I was the proverbial "doormat". I was certainly a "yes dear" kind of guy. But if a decision/choice was really important to me I made my feelings known. (That may be a poor choice of words but it is the only thing that I can think of that is appropriate)Gradually I have tried to work my way out of that role. I became more assertive and decisive. Began doing occasional things outside of our relationship. (golfing with friends etc.). Over the last 2-3 years she has become very bitter and resentful of the time that I spend "away". She started doing more with her friends(some mutual and some from work). This never bothered me until the outings went later and later into the evening (morning). Eventually I would get no call telling me when I could expect her and when I began to question her I got the "you don't care about me anyway so why should I call?" thing.

So there are three "specific" reasons....I understand that many of the "little things" stem from these and the residual feelings of bitterness from these.

Please understand this.....I am not, nor have I ever been the "perfect husband". I know that but when two people are in any type of relationship there must be a "partnership" type of effort. I think that neither one of us are willing to become the type of partner that the other needs or wants.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by John in Oklahoma:
I think that neither one of us are willing to become the type of partner that the other needs or wants. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The same here...

I think everything is solvable but this... and that this is the main(?) reason for many divorces...

Question is - even if we really (REALLY) want - CAN we?

I think I could but he couldn't...
(or maybe all of us think the same way... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

I just really think that part of the problem may rest in the fact that i feel as if I have tried to be the partner that she wants me to be. It never seems as if I was able to accomplish it though.

I too always felt that I was trying to be who she wanted me to be. Now I am working as hard as I can at being who I want to be. Even grew my mustache back that she hated.

The plan for me is to be the person/dad/friend that my son needs me to be. If that lets me find me again it will work out great!

...

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 11:53 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WishI WereHome:
Even grew my mustache back that she hated</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


John, I'm sure your son wants you to be the same as his mom wants you... in order to be together...
Will/Can you be?

The point is that we can try being whoever 'someone' wants us to be, but, at the end, we'll be just the way we are... and that way we should be accepted or left... and vice versa...

For example, my (X)H would really love to change some things which I cannot accept now... but he cannot... moreover he doesn't try even... (trying for 2-3 days I don't calling trying at all...)
(I'm not talking about changing his 'personality/his essence', but things they are chengable if you really want... e.g. drinking, cheating, must-have-secrets...)

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

sorry, mea culpa...

ms messy is my middle name <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

I understand. I feel as if the changes that I have made were made in vain. I honestly tried to change the things that I could. Tried to better express my feelings, be more compassionate etc. but it never seemed to satisfy her. Not to whine but she was not willing to change anything! So after a time I reverted to old habits.

I understand. I feel as if the changes that I have made were made in vain. I honestly tried to change the things that I could. Tried to better express my feelings, be more compassionate etc. but it never seemed to satisfy her. Not to whine but she was not willing to change anything! So after a time I reverted to old habits.

uhh...

I was ready to neglect me as a woman, my not-met-needs, frustrations, unhappiness... if I thought he would be a good father to our son... or at least, our life together will be better for him than living with separated parents...
But I can't see he'll be a father I want for my son (sound cruel? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) nor that our life together will be beneficial to him (another excuse for our decisions?)

Sometimes it looks like - the more I think/trying to be self-critical, the less I know...
I guess the time will tell everything... and still won't be late...

I guess, at least, I don't have to worry about her being a good parent. Although when I saw him last night for a few hours things were fine until I dropped him off. He wouldn't let go of my leg and when I looked to her for help she said "don't look at me...you know how I feel about youright now". That made me very angry but I said nothing. I just tried to convince him that I would be back on Saturday and we would get to spend a lot more time together (thru Sunday evening). I hope in time he will get used to the fact that I will see him as often as possible and understand that it has nothing to do with him.

I guess, at least, I don't have to worry about her being a good parent. Although when I saw him last night for a few hours things were fine until I dropped him off. He wouldn't let go of my leg and when I looked to her for help she said "don't look at me...you know how I feel about youright now". That made me very angry but I said nothing. I just tried to convince him that I would be back on Saturday and we would get to spend a lot more time together (thru Sunday evening). I hope in time he will get used to the fact that I will see him as often as possible and understand that it has nothing to do with him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope in time he will get used to the fact that I will see him as often as possible and understand that it has nothing to do with him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't count on it. You didn't just leave your wife, you left him as well. You are not there to tuck him in at night, to read him stories, to just be there for him. It is "possible" for you to be there all the time, to remain married to his mother - there is no way that you could convince him otherwise, because it IS possible for you to remain married. You just don't want to. No one is holding a gun or even a restraining order at your head, forcing you to move out.

I strongly suspect that there is another woman involved, if not a PA, at least an EA. In the almost 5 years I have been posting on this board, I can not recall a single case of separation/divorce that did not involve infidelity. Even when there was physical abuse, there was also infidelity (either on the part of the abuser or the abused).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nellie1:

I strongly suspect that there is another woman involved, if not a PA, at least an EA.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I beleive it is the other way around because of the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">John in Oklahoma:

"Over the last 2-3 years she has become very bitter and resentful of the time that I spend "away". She started doing more with her friends(some mutual and some from work). This never bothered me until the outings went later and later into the evening (morning). Eventually I would get no call telling me when I could expect her and when I began to question her I got the "you don't care about me anyway so why should I call?" thing."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is that the behavior of a faithful W?