Update:
Nutshell story; H confessed to affair 10/6; we lived separately in the house until 11/1 at which point he moved out; I called OW's H and OW ended up calling off A 11/3; H definitely in withdrawl and fogland (I can tell from how he talks) and says he's filing for divorce. He's seen an attorney so I believe this to be true but will only know it when I receive the actual papers.


Yesterday I had a feeling that my H would be waiting for me when I returned home and I was absolutely dead on about what was happening. He basically met me at the door, had everything spelled out about the divorce, how much I should get for child support and alimony, he wants me to use his lawyer!! Basically, I’m supposed to be nice about this so he can get on with his life!

BTW, he also told me that he’s had more than 1 affair – the most recent one wasn’t the only one!!! (Who knows if this is true, he could be trying to see if I get angry because of multiple affairs, but I did not. I stayed my ground that I did not want a divorce and this decision on his part made me very sad). At this point, I am very emotionally drained and I’m not sure I want to fight, although I’m not accepting his terms. He wants to have a realtor at the house next week and force us into moving prior to the holidays!

I did pretty well, I didn’t cry (too numb inside) but I did tell him that I wished he’d reconsider until we’d done a Retrovaille weekend because I didn’t feel like we had tried anything let alone everything we could do. He kept saying it didn’t matter, because he doesn’t know if he could be in a monogamous relationship. I did do my very first LB, I told him he was being selfish when he stated to me that he did not care what this would do to our children, but that he had to move on with his life for himself.

I feel so sad for our children, more so than me. Suggestions? Advice???? Please. . . . .

Hope4Best. . . .now LosingHope <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hope4best,

regards to your LB telling him he's selfish, at least this LB was/is a fact!

WHats the chances of asking him about being mature, and responsible,,, allowing/giving every effort/attempt for a marriage recovery, before a divorce!?


If you're familiar with Retrouvaille,,(WONDERFUL program!!!) then you are aware of the draggee, and what to tell him right?? .


Say , "We have been married x number of years. I am asking you to give me one weekend to work at our marriage at a Retrouvaille weekend. If we succeed, that would be wonderful for both us and the kids. If not, we have only lost a weekend. What is the risk?"

I'm wondering if maybe its to soon though,,,??
He sounds as though he's angry, therefor he will not listen to anything that you may suggest,,, just my opinion here.

WIth using his lawyer,,, if there is going to be a divorce, he needs to earn his way out! And i wouldn't use his lawyer,,????

Divorce is selfish!

I'm STANDING! in Michigan!

Stephan states that divorce is selfish. Well...most all decisions are to some degree. And most likely, in truth what was done over the years on both sides of the marriage selfishly has brought the marriage to this point. I have worked on marriage counseling situations over the years and I have never seen a one-sided divorce arguement. Not once.

As for trying to do something with the present situation, I would consider his feelings and concerns. I am not speaking of the "door mat" approach. But if you want to buy time to look things over and have a better understanding from his side, etc, you need to be willing to hear him without judgement and comment. It's similar to working with a potential suicide. In communication, suicide must always stay an option. In the potential victim's thinking it definitely is, so if you discard it, he doesn't want to talk with you further...or will shoot himself to prove a point, in his abnormal state of mind at the time.

To talk with your husband and be willing to look at it and give it a time line for you to digest it could buy time. Someting like "please give me 30 days to work through this and during that time let's talk together 3 nights a week so I can get a better understand. You have been working on this for some time. You didn't come to this decision overnight and it's hard for me to. I understand you want to do it, but can we do it together? Can we both be on the same page. Help me here please."

As you allow him to not see you as a possible adversary, you might gain his confidence and hear more about the problems. But it's important to "listen" period. You are sitting in the side of the table that has NO negotiating tools. There is no reason to stay. So hear him out and see his side...selfish or no....it's still his side and he can do what he wants. The more he can be heard, the greater chance you have of gaining ground. For him to say he doesn't care what it does to the kids...well unless you have seen him as a totally selfish father...he doesn't mean it and in a more rational state would admit it.

By the way, I am speaking as a man in his situation. I am just completing 25 yrs of marriage and I am working through how to break it to my wife that the marriage is killing me. I don't have the affair problem he has and we have had probably one of the greatest marriages I have even known. But when it went sour...it was permanent. If I had known what was going on at the time, I, as the husband, would have stopped the situation that ended up destroying every feeling I have ever had for her.

So I am talking as one that may understand his feelings and what works. As a matter of fact, my pastor, one of my closest friends, came to me to get some advice for a couple he knows is about to divorce. He knows me and my situation, eventhough no one else does. He also knows the couple and how similar they are to me and my wife. They are his other best friends. I was able to give him some advice from the man's point of view,...but I am sure he was looking for an inroad to trying to turn our marriage around.

I would be glad to talk with you further if I can help. I believe marriages by default go downhill unless worked on. But too often we live out our marriages by default and as long as everything seems ok enough for me, the marriage is "ok". And as long as both parties feel that way.....everything is fine. That's really not a marriage...it's mutual parasitism (sp?)

Hi Sojourner:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am just completing 25 yrs of marriage and I am working through how to break it to my wife that the marriage is killing me . I don't have the affair problem he has and we have had probably one of the greatest marriages I have even known . </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't understand...is it not worth saving the greatest marriage you've ever known? Or did your W commit some transgression that you consider to be worse than an affair, hence is unforgivable?

Although you may consider this prying into your personal situation, I'm only asking because it helps to understand where someone is coming from when they are offering advice.

I think you've made an excellent suggestion about listening and creating rapport. But I have followed Hope's situation closely and can tell you that despite the fact that she has done a wonderful Plan A, H just does not want to share a whole lot of information with her. In fact, she was "dead on" about what was waiting for her only because the MC had used such guarded tones with her when he told her that she and her H needed to talk. She figured correctly that this meant the worst news was coming.

My H is (was?) very similar to hers. He holds things inside him and then makes HIS decisions (that's the way he views them, as his to make, not ours) without further input. Once a decision is made, he is fully committed to it and it takes the equivalent of a Mack truck to budge him.

Hopefully, this is in the past as we implement MB principles but I can certainly appreciate why Hope asks the question: is there hope? In part, she is basing this question on her knowledge of her H, his intransigence, his determination to "stay the course" once he's set sail.

And sadly, all of this is exacerbated by the fog associated with an A, and perhaps the continuing presence of the OW applying her own pressure to end the marriage. (I believe her marriage is ending or has ended.)

Sojourner:

Thanks for your advice. In fact I have tried to do that. From the start of his confession about the affair all I've done is be patient and try to hear his side. Unfortunately, he's one that refuses to talk about anything. Once the affair was out in the open, he refused to go to marriage counseling together. He felt he needed to make a decision for him and him alone and that's what he's doing.

Anytime we've had conversation, I always sat and listened. Never interrupted, never got angry, never disregarded his feelings and always told him that I would be there for him. That I wanted to work through this together and would do anything to help facilitate that. He refused to work with me and quite frankly I can't do it alone.

I have to say that through this I have learned alot about myself and am on the road to turning myself into a better person. Something he will see one day and as his OW becomes very stifling, smothering, etc. he may want to come back to the marriage. At that point I will be exactly the same, ready and willing to listen quietly to what he has to say.

Awed is right about my husband, he's very much like hers. Once he makes a decision in his head he is so committed to it that he won't change it. Also his pride won't allow him to change it because he might have to say he was wrong. . .something he cannot do. He made a comment one time about a friend of ours who was trying to quit smoking. Here's what he said:

"She should just do it the right way like me, cold turkey".

See where he is?? His way is the right way and the only way.

At this point, I have to move on with my life. I cannot continue to live hoping he will come back. I pray he does, but if he doesn't I at least may make little steps forward. I've done alot of crying and searching over the past week and am actually coming to grips with the reality of my situation. It sucks!

Hope