My story is probably familiar to someone out there, but when you're suffering with the pain and hurt you feel like you're totally unique in your situation.

I was married 4 mos to the day when my wife walked out. We had no big fights to point to, no infidelity, no big issues that would have sent up a flag that this was coming - just my arriving home from Bible study to her with her bags packed letting me know she was leaving. Within 4 days she had brought over a UHaul and moved out everything as well as had papers filed. Her explanation? She had never loved me - only loved the idea of being married to me. I was her best friend, but she wasn't the kind to marry a best friend, she wanted something more. When pressed for specific reasons she pointed to a strained relationship between her family and I, she voiced opinions that Satan himself was alive in me, my family, and our church, and continued to let me know that Divorce was the only logical option.

Since then I've had two occasions where we've sat down and talked about things - both times she was very definitive about having no interest in salvaging anything, less out of anger and more out of apathy. My position from the beginning has been a willingness to do anything that would help reconcile this - from the family concerns to changing churches to whatever, these have once again been met with apathy.

Unfortunately, there is no one that is currently advising her to do anything but pursue divorce - even though they readily admit there are no scriptural reasons for it. My input is ineffective, and counseling for a cause she doesn't believe in is not an option.

I'm 10 days into this - and my optimism is draining. Is there any advice out there?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by So many questions:
<strong>When pressed for specific reasons she pointed to a strained relationship between her family and I, she voiced opinions that Satan himself was alive in me, my family, and our church, and continued to let me know that Divorce was the only logical option.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">More information would be helpful. For example, how long have you been together, have either of you been married before, etc.

The above bit sounds, if you don't mind my saying so, highly irrational. For someone to suddenly up and decide you're possessed doesn't seem "logical" at all, and I'd wonder where she got such a notion in the first place!

Hang in there...

We dated for a year and a half - got married 4 mos ago. I'm 27, she 26 - neither have been married before.

Irrational is probably accurate. The statement you referred to comes from her family. While claiming Christianity, they fail to see a single church in our city as being doctrinally sound enough to attend. Once during out dating, similar accusations came out from my father-in-law and he demanded she break up with me. So I came over and talked through the misunderstandings as well as offered to sit down and talk about any concerns he'd have in the future if they arose. Since marriage we've been involved quite a bit with the young married's class, so involved that two weeks before my wife left she was teaching wed night Bible study.

Another big problem that is coming out is that my wife believes whole-heartedly that God has one man in the world designated for her - and the indication of that man comes in a relationship/marriage that involves no issues to work though, ie - true love is easy and emotionally satisfying all the time. From what I can tell, it is this belief that is fueling her unwillingness to consider reconciliation.

On my end, there are things about marriage that I'm not good at - but these are things that I'm pretty sure you aren't good at within your first 4 mos of marriage. Bottom line is, I have no problem taking responsibility for the weaknesses I have and working through them in prayer - I just have not been given the opportunity

Mmmm...at first glance, I would guess that she has some serious control issues with her family...namely, they control what she thinks!

Big red flag with the whole "no church is good enough to attend" thing, too. (full disclosure, I am a godless infidel) What is their reasoning on this? Was there a church they attended before and split from? Is there any church they consider to be okay, or are they just convinced that EVERYONE is a tool of Satan?

And while I could see a father disapproving of his teenage daughter's relationships (I've got a 14-year old myself), he's off his rocker thinking that he has a right to tell his adult children who they can and cannot be with!

As to her idea of a "perfect" marriage...pardon me for being blunt, but she's out to lunch. There is NO relationship that has NO issues to work through, and TRUE love is often difficult, frustrating, painful, and can drive you crazy!

Do you know any couples that have been married a really long time that you can talk to? I'm talking like 40 or 50 years here. I learned a lot (unfortunately my XW did not) from my aunts and uncles, all of whom have been married for at least 40 years. They taught me that, far from being easy, maintaining a long-term marriage is one of life's most difficult yet ultimately rewarding challenges.

In short, nothing good comes easy. Relationships have their ups and downs, and if you can't handle the bad times, you'll never have a long-term relationship.

One of my favorite songs by my favorite band (Rush) says it pretty good:

"I don't believe in destiny,
or the guiding hand of fate
I don't believe in forever,
or love as a mystical state

I don't believe in the stars or the planets,
or angels watching from above
But I believe there's a ghost of a chance,
we can find someone to love
and make it last..."

You have both found someone to love...it is up to BOTH of you to make it last. She needs to understand that there is no such thing as a "perfect love" and no such thing as a "perfect" man for her.

My Christian friends are fond of reminding me that we all fall short of perfection. You might do well to ask her why she thinks God will provide her with perfection in her relationships.


Relationships don't last because they're perfect, or because they are between people who are perfect for each other. They last because imperfect people are willing to work to overcome whatever imperfections they might have.

Your wife WILL learn this lesson at some point. For your sake, I hope she learns it soon.