This inquiring mind wants to know...before you or your spouse had an A, did you go through some type of crisis? My H was still sick from intensive laserbeam radiation for his cancer and just beginning to get better before mine. I had an inappropriate friendship with another man during H's illness..more emotional attachment on my end but he did manipulate me, too (I was such a dummy!) <P>Pressure was on me to fill in and stand in for H while he could not do ministry. A few men saw their chance. I tried to talk to a female C about it but she laughed at me and after the session came out and told me to watch out that all the guys wouldn't want such a hot babe. She did have a weird sense of humour but looking back now, she sure missed out or I did.<P>Anyway, the question: Was there a health crisis? A death? Midlife crisis? Financial pressures?<P>It would be interesting to know.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Before marriage:<P>A#1, no.<P>A#2, no.<P>One night stand, no.<P>Married, then ten years later:<P>A#4, Yes.<P>A#5 , no.<P>You have got me thinking. I didn't know for sure about the pre marital affairs but it all kinda makes sense now, std's and stuff. But did he think it was okay to cheat on me before we were married, though living together?<P>Then he has a break, for ten years of marriage. We had a two year upheavel in our lives, listing the stresses of:<P>New job in another country<BR>Sold our home<BR>Moved three times in a year<BR>Work problems<BR>my brother died<P>So yes lots of things we had to deal with. Of course HE says none of this made a difference, because he is busy rewriting history.<P>A#5...I do not have a clue why that happened...I thought we were doing really well Plan A'ing and recovering...then wham. MLC? I do know he is depressed.<P>So there ya go.

5 affairs! I am so sorry. You are still together?<P>How do you reconcile it all? I know this is a tough question but I have always wondered how people survive multiple affairs. <P>You must be very courageous. And patient. I am so sorry this kind of pain has come to you. <P>May you have more joys and fewer sorrows.

Thanks...no we are not together...he works in another country. Before we came home, he left me for about ten weeks, then he took kids out with currentOW...that was it.<P>I came home.<P>Since then, I have been thinking a lot, and the realisation of what went on prior to our marriage really hit me. Somehow I had managed to believe him when he has steadfastly denied those A's, but how can you get std's without sex? I know it wasn't me, so there was only one alternative.<P>He still doesn't know I have put two and two together, and when i did, I decided it was Plan B time for real.<P>I'm not sure I even want him back...how can you learn to trust someone who has done this FIVE times, and has only admitted to one? He doesn't acknowledge OW5 as an A, he says they're just SEEING each other.<P>Well I haven't asked him in a while, cos I don't really care what HIS definition of it is.<P>Sorry, I am going through an angry patch right now.<P>If you have a LOT of free time, my story is over on the D/D board.

Nina, I don't have a lot of free time right now (at this moment I can't sleep though!) but I will definitely look you up on the D/D board.<P>It must be awful not to have your kids with you either.<P>Thanks for sharing "the angry patch" with me...that's what it's all about here, right? Not only understanding our own bad experience but learning from each other.<P>Hugs.

His mom was daignosed with cancer and we were really having $ probs. A started 1 month after her diagnosis. Then 1 month after affar my 26 yr old sis got cancer. I say there is definately a connection. He says it was just a cop out for him, that theres no excuse for an affair(he said this for 15 years BEFORE had his affair too!!!)

Sorry for the confusion...I have the kids with me...he took them OUT with OW, and i decided he wouldn't get that chance again, and that's why I left.<P>

Isn't hindsight wonderful? It's ALWAYS 20/20. And, of course, when you find out about a's, you start trying to piece it all together to try to understand...<P>The further I look back the more I wonder if he has ever been faithful in 22 years. Sad, huh? <P>To your survey, yes, yes, yes, lots and lots of them. Lost jobs, being apart because of jobs, my own bout with depression, my mother's death.<P>The only justice out there seems to be that about two years ago his weinie stopped working and he started using viagra. Didn't seem to slow him down, though!! I think his weinie stopped working because he was so full of guilt and shame and unhappiness - and maybe depression - over what he was doing to his family. Aren't I nice??!! I STILL want to give the creep a conscience!!!<P>Oh well. Weird mood today.

Billbailey, thanks for the input. And to all who have replied to this post. <P>It is sad that on either side or at the same time crises arose, they seem to separate the couples rather than unite them. I still cannot fathom how I could even fall into an A when God gave me back my H from cancer. What on earth was I thinking? I wasn't. I was lusting after a manipulative predator who knew just how to reel me in and push my "I will be stupid now" button!!<P>At least there is life beyond the crisis. For you,Billbailey, hopefully you have a stronger sense of self-protection and despite the sorrow can begin a new life with more joy this time. For others, sometimes there is a miracle of healing and the aftermath of the A can result in determination to better relationships--with a lot of hard work from both partners.<P>I really appreciate all the comments here. Thank you so much.

This may sound gross. It does to me as I think about it. <P>Let me preface and say I am the WS. H had a lot of fantasies throughout the preceeding several years before the A that he voiced during sex. Fantasies of me with another man, sometimes another couple. It seemed he couldn't finish the act without the fantasy. Then, last December we went to New Orleans, and he paid for a male stripper to do a table dance for me. The stripper was like "yeah, go on and touch me"... I was already in an EA with the OM, so I wasn't in the right place myself. But I felt so...de-valued, I guess. It was as if I wasn't worthy or cherished or something. After then, it seemed it was relatively simple to go the next step. <P>That's no justification. I was wrong. I was hurt too.<P>Artemis

Artemis, I am so sorry for what happened to you. <P>It is hard to face our own failures but it sounds like your H was very sick [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] How are things now?

Freshstart,<P>Things are much better now, in recovery, I would say. We are making progress in what seems like leaps and bounds lately. <P>H admits he was wrong and far away from God, but I will not use it for justification. I can only be responsible for my actions, the change has to be from within me.<P>If H said tonight, get out, I would deserve it. But the other side is, I could claim the same thing for him. We both had faults and wrongs to change, which we are doing together. We've been seeing a MC, and he's just a goof. This site has proven invaluable. I started reading it months ago to get my head straight, H started reading after I told him about it several times.<P>Artemis

Artemis, thanks for the good news. <P>H and I really were blessed with a tremendous MC. It's not easy to find them always. A friend of mine went at her H's request but couldn't stand the C they saw.(not the same one we went to)<P>It may be worth looking for another one as well as using MB. I don't know if the phone counselling with the Harleys is just for Americans or much about it at all but know it's an option for some here.<P>Isn't it amazing the journey to recovery? Could you have ever imagined your H admitting his wrong even a short time ago?<BR>It sure is worth every bit of hard work to rebuild together.<P>Glad to know life is getting better and so are you! Hugs!

Thank you Freshstart,<P>Hugs to you too.<P>Artemis

Yes, Freshstart their was a crisis in our situation as well. The OW 14 year old daughter committed suicide 1 year ago. I'm not sure if the PA started before that or not, but I'm sure that was a big turning point in their "relationship". (ick) I do believe that they have had an inappropriate friendship for longer though. Her H withdrew when their daughter died and my H was there to help her get through it all. (ick again!)

Again, what a dreadful thing. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<P>How are you coping now? <P>Best wishes to you as you build a new life.

Freshstart,<P>How am I coping...Whenever I feel like I'm having a bad day I try to think of people in the world who have it worse than me. Like OW!!! OW has bad marrriage (her H had A on her several years ago), lost her daughter to suicide, is struggling with her teenage boy now, and now she lost my H!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <P>But the young girl's death was hard on my whole family...she had babysat for my daughters and it was hard to explain it to them. And my H was completely torn up. I was so scared about the anniversay of her death being a vulnerable time for OW and my H. But the anniversary date was last week and I felt my H and I were at a good stage.

Heckofagal, thanks for the update. I am so glad you got through the anniversary of the death better than expected.<P>You are so right about realizing our blessings. It is finally getting now so I don't think about OM hardly at all. When I do, I just assume he is a loser still. Not totally to be mean and I sure hope some day he can recover his sick lifestyle. However, I celebrate my H and coming to my senses to realize who and what my blessings really mean to me.<P>Keep hanging in there.