Ok, husband left Jan this year after telling me he didn't love me anymore and he had not loved me in a long time. I was shocked beyond repair at that point. I trembled, cried and was looney for a couple of months. We or I had the best Christmas and year ever, I thought. We were at the point of relaxing and enjoying having a little extra money and each other. We were planning to build a house, we had great sex, we talked, we cooked together ect. We did fuss but not like a knock down drag out fight or anything. He said he had only been pretending he had deceived me. God was he good at it. That just messed with my head!! Made me feel crazy. We had money troubles about 2 or 3 years ago but we were doing so good. He wanted to move 3 years prior. I wouldn't move with him and we really discussed it. My mom was very sick and my daughter was doing well in school I didn't want to upset her and I would feel like I had let my mom down if we moved. She has cancer.
H denied any affair. A week after husband left I got on the web and received a copy of his cell bill. He had just recently purchased a phone the 1st week of January. He talked to this OW 2 hours a night everyday in January. I honestly felt like someone had uprooted the large oak trees in my front yard an placed them leaf first back into the ground with their roots dangling wild in the wind. How did I not know??? He denied an affair they were only "friends" His truck stayed at her house about 3 or 4 nights a week, he was suppose to be living with his mom.
We met a couple of times in February for just sex he said he didn't love me. I told him we could have friendly sex. On our anniversary in Feb we went out all night. I put on a new red Victoria Secret thong and push up, baby I was hot! OW got some competition that night!! He said he might later regret what he has done we should have went for all the weekend to Florida for our anniversary.
He still said the friendship with OW didn't have anything to do with us. Our marriage was long over before he met her. -Wonder why he didn't let me in on this secret?- I got angry about the 3rd month and filed for divorce he was served papers in May. I got angry because he left me with bills and would say that he would help but money never came. He was smart everything we had purchased lately was in my name. ARRG. So now he is saying none of those bills are his ect. I wouldn't have bought stuff, without his approval and expecially if we had not been married. ARRG.
In June he got in trouble at work and was relocated in about 500 miles away. He and OW worked together. You know OW went with him. He said a few times she wasn't with him any longer, lie, lie lie.
At first h cried with me and kept saying I don't know what happened. I told him I was sorry for what things I did to push him away, I should have moved, ect. I ask him to forgive me. He told me to get over it. In August I told him his girlfriend was still in contact with her husband. I have proof and he knew it, it made him mad... Anyway I told him not to call me anymore. He hasn't. So now guys, I know crying doesn't work, asking to forgive doesnt work. Ignoring him and not calling him doesn't work. The only reason for the trial date is financial help. I'm new to DB's I've been reading the book but I feel like maybe you all can give some 911 advise. The last time I spoke to him I called his mom and ask her to ask him to call me. He did a week later after she ask him about 4 times. I wanted him to sign over our home go I could borrow money against it to pay bills. He did call and was nice. He said he had a meeting with his atty in a few weeks. He did say he had realized he had been lied to and used. I ask him who had lied and used him and he said it would be easier to say who hadn't. I didn't ask any questions. --I was hoping he found out OW was lying to him,,she is a real deal. User married 4 times, several kids by different men ect. She told her husband that she was living with my husband because she didn't have to work and it was like being on vacation all the time. They live 2 miles from the ocean... aaarrrr-- I told him I thought he would be much happier away from me. He told me not to think that way. Anyway, I said that I just wanted us to agree on something out of court. I had figured out being his wife wasn't the only thing in the world to do. What else was I to say??
Since August I have been working on myself, I've lost weight, bought new clothes, did my nails, let my hair go out, I've been painting, drawing, I've got a true happy face again and I'm telling his mom what a good time I'm having at church group ect..... I know she will tell him.
What else can I DO???

<small>[ November 27, 2003, 06:27 PM: Message edited by: TJGirl ]</small>

After reading my post from last night maybe I am just married to a jerk and need to get over it. He left me with bills, he helped me raise my daughter for 15 years and now will not ever call her to check on her. She is 17 and a Senior in High School. He financially supported her while we were married he didn't want me to pursue her real dad because he did drugs. She feels abandoned by both men. God how do I pick such men? How can someone just walk away from their family? The transmission broke in my daughters car the week he left and he wouldn't help her fix it. He says he will but never does. She is in band and couldn't work expecially while her car was torn up. I am so discussed with him right now. I picked a real looser!
Maybe my husband is telling the truth, he used me and lied and has now left me for good.

TJ Girl, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I wish I had answers. But I don't. Even now when you speak of him, you sound basically respectful. That's good.

If you've tried it all, you might have to let it go. And you may have to keep the trial date in order to get the bills paid. Make sure your lawyer is MEAN. You can always rein them in.

do you want him back at this point?

I've added another topic asking how to explain to him I would like a separation instead of a divorce. That's if he is willing to settle out of court. Maybe if he is willing to settle out of court his heart is softening a bit. Then again I've been thru so much I don't know if I could ever feel the same about him again. Also, I know if we do divorce I may face the same with the next person I'm with.... It's a strange feeling, while we were married I never, never, never thought he would do these things.
I'm ok with being single now. Church and the Word channel has helped me so much. I just pray that God will take care of me and my daughter and am thankfull for each day I have.

now I'm really confused....Tuesday my atty told me that my H had a meeting with his atty on Friday so I knew he would be up this way. He had to drive 500 miles. On Thursday he called me at work and ask to come over Thursday night, I couldn't believe it!! He said "you wanted to talk, right"? He hasn't really spoke to me in a long time. The last time we talked I told him we could settle out of court. He said I'm comming to see my atty in a few weeks. I had no idea when.
Anyway I already had plans so I told him I would be home about 10:30. He called me at 10:30 and I told him we could just discuss it over the phone or at Waffle House he didn't have to come over if he didn't want to, he said he really wanted to come over. When he got here he was really nice. He told me the new paint looked good and he liked what I had done with the place. He talked to my daughter for about 45 minutes. He helped me with her all her life. We got married when she was four and now she will be 18 in December. She got on the phone with her boyfriend and let us have private time. Then he began crying and telling me how all his friends had betrayed him. They really made him out to be a fool in the worst way. I told him I understood how bad it hurt. Really I did he had done all those things to me. He seemed shocked, like he hadn't thought about that. He told me he was so sorry..... He didn't want me talking to his boss anymore? I told him we only talked a few times and I didn't understand what he was trying to say. He told me again that he didn't know what happened to us and I told him "human things happen" I didn't know why either. I told him there were a lot of questions I couldn't answer so I've put them all in a box and taped it shut. I just enjoy one day at a time and try to do things that make me happy. Every once in a while questions slip out of the box but I would never have the answers especially if he didn't know either. I appolozied for anything I did that pushed him away. He told me he didn't want anything bad to happen to me. I told him I thought of him everyday. I didn't beg, cry, plead or anything, I tried to make him feel warm and fuzzy and let him go at the same time. I really got worried about him. He seemed to talk in circles about how unhappy he was. He told me he wasn't with the OW anymore. I told him I didn't believe him. I told him that I put all my faith in God. When I wanted to die after he left I had to. I had no choice it was lay down and die or look up to God. I CAN'T TELL IF HE HAS OPEN HEART TO RECONCILIATION. Just like I couldn't tell when he didn't love me when we were married and living together. I was so afraid to ask. He was offering a generous divorce settlement more than what I thought he would. I even received a fax letter from his attorney with the details. He told me he would see me the next night before he left. He didn't come he did call and say that dinner at his moms had lasted longer than he thought and his boys showed up so he spent time with them. He said in a few weeks he would come up until then he had to get his finances straight. He was gathering up things to leave and he stepped on the porch. I ask him was I going to get a hug. I got a big hug...more than what I thought I would get. No patting on back either. No kisses or anything just a huge hug. If we don't get back together at least I know we can be civil friends. What are the signs in the begining to reconcilliation??

CoffeeMan, What do you think? You seem to have a wide knowledge about marriage building.

TJGirl,
Don't be discouraged in no one replies until after the holidays. Holidays and weekends can be very slow on the MB board.

I think you are doing an awesome Plan A!!! I see so many good things that you are doing in letting him go, and being happy yourself! Sure wish I could have done that, and much less LB'ing.

I wish you the best, whatever happens. It does sound to me like there is hope for your relationship. God bless.

Bumping you up for more replies.
KK

bump

This is my first try at contacting someone and sharing the awful news my dearly loved H dropped on me-that he loves me as the mother of our children but has no more romantic (sexual) love for me.I know that I still love him and I awaken at night crying in frustration and shame. Shame, because I realize now that I took him for granted,that he'd always be there regardless of how awful I treated him...I too-often rejected his romantic gestures (reaching for me and I would say "no"). This rejection has come back to bite me on the butt! I am amazed at how badly I want to get our marriage back on track!! Until he started talking D, I assumed way too much...That he would be with me regardless of anything...bad assumtion!I need help and prayer in a bad way..I am really angry at God because I was sure that this marriage would alst forever because He sent me this wonderful man...and now I have ruined it, maybe, once and for all. I desperately want to
reconcile. My priest talked to us both and seems to think we still ahve something left to work with. I hang on to that but it is hard sometimes. I am so very afraid and I really need some words of encouragement. I hurt so bad inside and I feel so out-of-control!!