My WW and I have been separated for 3.5 months now after discovering her A with a co-worker. The A has been off and on this whole time (cake-eating). My WW has custody of our 2 S's 9&5, per our sep agreement . Out of the blue my W says she has decided we need to Dv, and she wants it over with quickly. We already have a sep agreement (not filed with the courts yet)so Dv would only take about 30 days after filing.

I just found out while overhearing a conversation between my son and his grandmother (W's Mom)that WW is planning to move in the very near future to a house convieniantly located just down the street from OM's house. My son also said that the third bedroom would have an extra bed for OM's son (6) to sleep in when he visits. So, obviously co-habitation is in the near future. This move would require the kids to switch schools for the third time this year. My oldest has aready voiced concerns about OM spending so much time at WW house, but his Mother refuses to discuss the issue with him. Furthermore, my WW is not financialy stable/responsible. Besides child support, she has been barowwing money from friends and recieveing support from OM. She can't afford the 900 SqFt apt she is now, and no doubt will not be able to afford the new house which is much larger, without being dependant on OM financially.

I can't allow my WW to drag our children along on her search for happiness. Everyone around her, including her family, who she refuses to talk to since I expose her A to them, can see she's not making decisions with the best interests of the kids in mind. She is looking out for her needs first.

My question is: How do you re-negotiate custody in a situation like this without LBing? Is it possible? Or, should I just expect it to get really messy (court battle).

My family is willing to support me financialy should a court battle errupt, and my WW knows this. She doesn't have access to those kind of resources, and knows I could easily outlast her in a battle. I don't want to subject the kids to anymore conflict/confussion than they already have been. My situation is much more stable than hers, finacially, emotionally, domesticly and morally.

As much as I wanted to avoid this and try to save our mariage, I'm afraid it's time to "take off the gloves" and get down to business.

She doesn't have an attorney and can't afford one for a contested Dv. My attorney drew-up our serparation agreement and maintains the orginal document awaitting my decision. I am going to meet with him next week to discuss my options.

I didn't want the Dv in the first place, but now it's appearant that my WW has every intention of dragging our kids along on her "soul-searching" expedition, no matter where it leads, or what it does to them.

Any thoughts or opinions???

You have to look at what is best for your children.
You say your wife has custody but what does that mean to you? Many states are moving toward joint legal, with specific parenting time stated. Do you ever see your children? Could you really handle your children, school dropoffs, activities, etc. Be realistic. Is she planning to move to a better school district or a worse one. My DV settlement states how far away I can move, does yours.
These are legal questions, and you really need to understand how much responsibility you can handle before you pursue changes. Be honest with yourself. There are many fathers on this board who are capable of full time care. My x is not, but fought for it - just to fight - and ended up with less than I offered.
Good LUck.

I'm at that stage these weeks... and it is really hard not to involve emotions for WS when talking what's the best for kids... but you/we have to!!

Forget OM and Her, just think about kids...
Newly gave you great thoughts... - whatever She is going to do in the near future, is she still going to give kids more than you would...?
If you think just about kids and your capabilities, sacrifies and other things they make a parent a good one, and you're sure you'd be better for them, than - go for it, fight it (by honest means, though... also, having not enough money for the court shouldn't affect a judge's decision who would be better for kids to live with...)

Your current arrangement of time can easily become the final. My x tried to do this by demanding 50/50 split, and until a judge ordered that to stop, he expected this would continue for life. His parents enabled him to care for the children, on his own, he's not capable of 50/50 time. Our judge also saw his demands as control issues, and called him on it, offering afternoon visits - which he's never used at all.

Talk through your current situation and what you really want, particularly if travel is involved. My x refuses to care for the girls when I travel on business saying that I moved too far away 25 miles. I'd been driving 50-100 miles per day throught our marriage just for child care, so now, he has to drive and balks.

Many parents can live in a close proximity - which is good for the children. Just understand your demands, and put the needs of your children first. My children are now in a car for 10 minutes a day each way vs. 30 minutes each way - which translates to more parenting time.

Thanks for the words!

In a strange turn of events, my WW called me last night (though our third party contact), and wanted to know what I told our oldest(9)that made him want to stay with me, since he'd seemed so "happy" about the move to a bigger house, with a big yard, and a new puppy a week and a half ago. I talked to my son and asked him why he wanted to stay with me, to which he replied, "I don't like OM hanging around all the time, it makes me feel uncomfortable, and if he moves in, I'll be even more uncomfortable" with a sence of urgency in his voice. I told him to tell his mother the same thing so she would understand him.

My W agreed to let him make the decision on where he wants to live. She said she wants him to be happy. I think its a tactical move so he won't add stress to her R with OM. But, she refuses to give up our other S(5).

Here's the question: Do I just take what I can get with the least amount of blood shed (court battle)? Or, do I take her to court and go for the whole thing? I don't want to separate them, but at the same time, I don't want my oldest to think I'm abandoning him by not letting him move over here. I want them both to be happy and together, they are brothers after all. Our youngest is still to young to see whats happening. Anyone who will play "HotWheels" with him, is his friend for life.

I have an appt with my attorney this week to discuss my options. Hopefully that will make the decision easier.

Your youngest is not too young to realize what is going on, and if you believe that you really need to get your head out of the sand.

Do not split up your children. You can alternate days in each house, but the kids need to be together - they will gain needed support from each other.

Decide on what custody you want. The old standard was that fathers got 1 overnight per week and every other weekend until Sunday night, which translates into 4 days of 14 each fortnight.
50/50 custody means 7 of 14 days, but this is very difficult if you live far from each other. 50/50 can be done in many different ways, but at your kids ages, you can't do the alternating weeks, its too long to be away from either parent. I have most of the standard plans mapped out, and calculated on spreadsheets. Write if you want more info.
The 4 day plan is as below. Caps represent daddy overnights.
Week 1: m t W h F S s
Week 2: m t W h f s s

A variation on the 50/50 plan by week is to have a transition day, so that no parent goes 3 days without seeing the children
Week 1: m T W H f s s
Week 2: M t w h F S S