Here's my story in a nutshell. Been together 8 years, have one child (6 years old), married for 2 years. Started out young (17) had a child at 19. From the day I found out I was pg I made the decision to be a family no matter how young we were. We accomplished that much. We were young but nevertheless, we loved each other. I was a good woman to him and a very good mother. Come to find out nine months after our wedding he cheated prior to our wedding. I heard it through the grapevine, how humiliating for everyone to know...but me. It was a one night stand but still, it made me question everything in my life right down to my faith in God. We've since had two miscarriages and on the rocks for the past year. I started having an affair after the second miscarriage but my plan was to have a one night stand...to get my "revenge." It was a mistake, I know this. My plan backfired and I started developing feelings for this person. My husband and I have separated atleast a dozen times since the affair. I ended up confessing to it where then he confessed to cheating one other time during our relationship. He then proceeded to tell me of two other women he slept with while separated which I felt I deserved being that I had been seeing the OM during our separation. The OM and myself were a couple at one point. I couldn't bare the thought of not having my husband as my husband and growing old with him, having more children. I was so hurt by the one night stand that I thought infidelity was the answer on my part. I now know after it's all been said and done that it was the biggest mistake of my life but I felt tricked into marrying this man who had skeletons in his closet. I love my husband but we've been back and forth for so long that it's taking a toll on both of us. We love each other but I think we're just hanging on to what we used to have. We want more kids and we've almost resorted to getting pg to try to "work things out." I get scared everytime and we never do it. I don't have much support from family, lots of friends though. I feel like a whore for what I did and he tells me what a whore I am. I not only betrayed him but I also betrayed God. In the long run, I hurt myself more than anything. Please, I'm not looking for pity...I'm just scared, lonely and need some advice. I was always faithful to him and come to find out that he never was, for 7 years he was dishonest with me. That kills me inside. I lowered myself to his level. The OM has a newborn child with his son's mom and they don't live together but she's there almost always and I get jealous. All I ever wanted out of life was my family and I'm scared I can't have that with anyone else. I know I'm attractive, educated, financially secure and can find someone else but that someone else can never replace my husband. We've grown so far apart that it's scary. We have nothing in common anymore, we don't see eye to eye on anything, he used to be my best friend and now it's like he's a stranger. I'm just looking for an ear. I know a lot of you on this site are hurting from infidelity and here I am asking for your advice, I feel ashamed. I have turned into an awful person but inside, I'm not. I'm loving, caring, faithful and loyal but when I found about that one night stand, my world came crashing down. This man that I thought was someone else turned out not to be, that's hard to take in. I know a lot of you are like, a one night stand? That's it? Everyone reacts differently to different situations. I'm just hurting and have been for a long time...I'd be asking too much from God to guide me because I broke my vows to him and my husband so I just have myself to depend on right now. If anyone's out there who won't bash me for what I did, please lend a word of advice. Thx <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

desperado - Read MB principles and see if they are something you can work on. I think it is time also to work on your own issues. You seem to be a good person, work on becoming a better person. Stay in Plan A with regard to H. Do not see OM. This is a time for you. Get into a women's support group, exercise, start some spiritual growth. Also you can get some counseling. Until you start changing yourself, you probably will not make good decisions. Do this work now, so that the rest of your life will be happy. Good luck.

I won't bash you... we are just humans... and you had your own reasons, as my h had...
Unlike him, you feel repentance and know it was wrong...
If he showed the same, I'd cope with it, somehow... (although we had other issues as well...)

Unless the bashing had a constructive purpose for helping you and your marriage, then it is pointless to do it.

I will say this though, I still see you have a lot of seething resentment for your H because of his ONS prior to your marriage and while you have a perfect right to be resentful for his selfish and thoughtless act, you have to keep in mind that his ONS was BEFORE both of you made your marital vows. You did not stoop to his level, you actually went below it for you not only had sex but you gave of yourself emotionally to the OM AND you did it AFTER you made your vows to him and to God. I do not say this with the sole intention to bash you but to help you see that your H also has a right to be resentful of you, and that it is time that you face the fact that you had NO EXCUSE to break your marital vows. BOTH of you should stop pointing fingers at each other and decide once and for all like adults in whether you want to save your marriage or not.

If you want to save your marriage then why are you here on the divorced/divorcing forum instead of the Infidelity General Questions II forum?

<small>[ November 17, 2003, 09:28 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>