Hi Everyone - - Alittle history -H confessed to 3 mth A in Jan 03 - Agreed to work on M, went to MC in Feb, then he quit. Started to see some improvement in June: affec, comm, more recreation, "sex" was only occasional but he was trying... Sept came and he confessed once again that he never left the OW. Begged me for our marriage, though he is IN LOVE with OW, and just has LOVING FEELINGS for me (claimed he left OW AGAIN) - I wanted a separation to sort things out for myself. IMMEDIATELY, I found out he never left OW again, lied as usual. - When confronted, he demanded a divorce! Said he doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for over 10 years? (yeah right!)- Came by the house 2 wks ago and told me, and our 2 teen girls that he's leaving us for good, "no one loves me EXCEPT my lover" -GOOD BYE -- Please help me - the girls and I are in extreme shock and pain (loved their dad dearly) now do not want any contact with him because of his lies and the A). Mtg w/Attorney, not enough money to survive on by myself. Only chance we have is to move back home to MI and live w/parents. Girls will be taken out of their schools (in high school), away from friends, and their dad doesn't care. AM I doing the right thing ? I have no family, friends for support. I am alone and suffer from migraines which makes it impossible to work a full time job. The girls need to be taken care of as well. I cannot wait for my H to wake up out of this fog! Any advice would be helpful!

Get counseling for you and your daughters now. Find a local women's counseling center which usually offers free counseling. If you aren't already, you'll probably hit depression.
If you belong to a church, ask your pastor for assistance. They may know of resources you haven't yet researched. Including subsidized housing.
Inform the school counselors as they may know of ways to help your girls.
These are not new issues or situations, they are just new to you. Ask experts who deal with this on a daily basis. You'll find many resources. I strongly suggest you find a local separated/divorce support group. Your local hospital will probably have a list.

Good Luck.

Do nothing at first (except file for support). You and even your girls are too much in shocked to make well thought out decisions. You can and should go into full Plan B at this point. Since your girls are teenagers, you can explain Plan B to them. Let them know that they can see their father whenever they want, and that you encourage them to have a relationship with him when they want to. BUT, you will not be in contact with him.

Later, you’ll have time to reflect on whether or not you want him back should he chose to mend his ways. Based on what you want for your girls and yourself, you can make decisions. Ultimately, I think the moving versus staying is a decision you and your girls should make as a family.

I remember the end of Cheaper by the Dozen. The father was dead. They’d have to move out of their family home. Or their mother could continue the work, the older boy could go out to work, and the other children take care of the home with the older ones basically raising the younger ones. Everyone understood the sacrifices on both sides of the decision, and they decided as a family.

Your girls are old enough to understand how staying will affect their lives and how moving will affect their lives.

Good luck. Take time to get grounded. Then make your decision.

You are going through what many of us have. It is a fogg... and they will speak rudely, disrespectful. I would find counseling at a womens resource group, for counseling for all 3 of you. Depression is most likely to set in deeply.

Your husband is living in euphoria and thinking this is the apple of the bunch. In the long run, he will come to realize that she isn't the apple of the bunch. But getting through that process will take time, and you need to get help for you and your daughters.

My Xhusband did similar things, and was ballistic during his affair. Calling me and the kids names, and cheating on money, and cancelling his life insurance and taking money out of the banks and cancelling health insurance. I did get him to reinstate the life insurance, which was ordered by the judge. And he had to get health insurance which turned out to be high deductible. That is going to get changed. I have signed papers that he will have to provide an adequate insurance.

During this period, you have to watch every step he takes, cover yourself. We were counseling with the Harleys, and they told me to check the accounts. I believed my husband more than the Harleys, and the Harleys were 100% right.

This affair and his ballistic attitude I would not wish on anyone. The pain is severe, and your husbands adulterous life is causing so much pain. If you do reconcile, have him get an HIV testing done. Under his name. I am having a HIV testing done yearly, cause it can show up years later. And the woman that my X was with, I believe had more affairs than she told my husband. All the counselors, and the lawyers stated the same.

Protect yourself, you are on a rough rode, and your girls need you.

MOVE, its the best thing I did. Because of my health & no job I needed to be back home with my family, 350 miles away. X was a police officer who used 2 girlfriends trying to get warrents on me. none was served but I knew I needed to move or there would be trouble later. Moving away from X hometown helped me get my head clear. seeing X, thinking of the lies, what he did to our family was taking its toll on my health. And the best thing I didnt have to see OW & him together in a small town. X not only lied to me but son. X knows son does not want to be around OW & calls her a whore. X has no contact with son in 1 1/2 yrs. and Im glad. I do not want my son around that piece of trash who X lives with. Sorry but any woman who proforms oral sex on a M man down wooded roads is trash. X was police officer & got caught with OW down woods in patrolcar. I now work full time, bought a home for my family. My son is proud of me. Im glad that I moved, it was hard leaving my home, friends who stood by me & helped me get my life together. It will be hard at first but later you will thank God for giving you the strenght to move.

VL,

So sorry for your pain. Believe me--I know how it feels. My H also said only one who loves him is OW. Even claimed his own mother never loved him.

The WS also says terrible things and rewrites the history of the marriage. Mine said he was unhappy for years, not in love, blah, blah.

Do take the advice given here. File for custody and support immediately. I wouldn't move right away, but do look into all financial matters: bank accounts, insurance, credit cards, retirement accts., beneficiaries. My H borrowed money from his 401k (to hide), set up a safe dep box, increased his number of withholdings to get more take-home pay, got a separate credit card to hide charges. They become extremely deceitful (if they are already.

And see an attorney for a consultation (should be free). Good luck.

Welcome and yes, I am sorry for this welcome to the divorcing board.

Am very opposed to divorce but found unfortunately for myself that it was the only way as xH is not and never once attempted to change...Is now supposedly "engaged" to preggo OW and is shacking up. She's the second OW and the ow1 and her basically overlap and he cheated on both of them (while still married to me) and created a very weird thing basically....one I am soooo glad to be away from.

So. He goes back. You and kids live on a rollercoaster ride. When the WS is totally unrepentant and heck bent on continuing down a path of destruction contrary to what everybody around them tells them to do, it's time to save yourself. save the kids. Your kids need to see you stand up and do what's right. I went and sought even the advice of my old (and incredibly wise) sunday school teachers as well as my former pastor's advice on whether to file or not and their advice was to file...

It will hurt. Sure, things aren't supposed to be this way. But you are NOT responsible for your wH's behaviors nor his affairs. They want to MAKE us think we are, but they are the ones who choose to leave their families, and sleep around. We don't push them out the door and tell them to "have fun, hon...and make sure to really enjoy yourself tonight and find as many loose women as you can because I am forcing you to do this ok?"... Their lame blame and excuses just don't get it.

I agree with other posters. One thing I wish I had done was see through his manipulations earlier. HE would only PRETEND to want to work on things while buying extra time to hide assets and lie and do things that in the end, would allow me and his child to obtain much less monetarily in the division of our marriage. If they will lie about breaking a vow, then they will lie about anything and everything. It's called the fog dear and it's awful and a horrid place they are locked in right now.

I pray he changes and sees what he is to lose. I pray that for all here on divorcing and divorced. But I also pray for healing and recovery for all here too. Please be prepared. Obtain as much about the finances/investments, and the affair of course. Please do this and get an attorney asap. Get some advice from the Harleys, but right now I don't think a plan A is in the works right now. I lean much more towards a plan B or a love must be tough approach. He needs to see the results of his actions and what has happened in reality...not in fogg.

But right now you must do what is good for you and the kids. Try to not worry at all about your wH right now. Post here, vent here and seek out good friends to get advice from. Get legal action now. I wish I could say to you something else...like he will change or come back or something reassuring or comforting but I can't. I was a good wife. Attractive and intelligent. But living with his hell would suck the life out of me for two years. He made me believe I was the exact opposite of who I am. Stupid, ugly, fat and of course...the WHOLE REASON HE WAS FORCED TO SLEEP WITH AND LIVE WITH OTHER WOMEN. It's all about character in the end. And staying strong for you and the kids. I wish I had been tougher because it would have been easier on me personally and would have allowed me to move faster towards recovery. And faster recovery is better in the long run for the kids.

And of course kids know what the waywards are doing. Even my little boy knows. It's heartbreaking, but it is the truth. My little one was saying his prayers the other night and here's what he said..."Dear God. Please take Family Values away because she is a family stealer. If the devil is in hell then she should go there. Please make my daddy act different and I don't want her (FV) to have a baby because I want my daddy." I was in shock. My son is barely five but was told by OW and xH that "she's having a baby girl" and other things...IT has taken a huge toll on my son and he is hurt by the audacious and selfish actions of his dad and the resident gold digger. The kids know what's up even if WE DO NOT UTTER A WORD ABOUT IT. If they have any dealings or visitation with the WS whatsoever, it's only a matter of time before the kids sort it out for themselves. I wish that were different too. Once the holidays are over, and I get back on my feet a little more financially, I am taking my son to see a wonderful phd/psychologist who deals with this area especially and also does court appearances when needed....

Right now be the rock for your kids. And take time for you. Don't think about the x. Pray for him but leave it to that. And forgive too. I did that.

If I met my x today, I would not find anything at all whatsoever attractive about him. If I met some guy and he told me that "yea, I cheated on my first two wives and then got my last divorce and when the papers were signed, my lover was already pregnant...excuse wouldn't work. Especially because the "I am not a bad guy thing...it's just that my xwife didn't understand me." would reek. He's nothing like the man I once knew and I cannot even bear to look at him or speak to him, yet for the sake of my child I do so with extreme brevity yet dignity.

And what's the end to this story? OW has forced xH's hand into marrying her and even attempted a faked "I am leaving you if you don't up the ante and marry me taking the child with me" card and it's sickening. But HE'S stuck with her...and a beautiful yet innocent child, a girl, on the way. I've been recovering well and still having some down days but not as many as before. Got a new great job with even better hours and a raise. I look better and am almost back to my old self...sometimes...I am a great mom and 1000% devoted to my little boy. I've quit engaging my xh and only deal with him quickly and succintly and after dealing with the specific parenting issue at hand, quickly disengage the conversations period. There is no other contact or interactions.

He showed up at my office on friday of last week. He had to hand me something that could 100% been handled by the US Postal service yet he showed up. Handed me an envelope and inside it was brochures and a post it note saying that "I could be making alot more money IF ONLY I WOULD GO BACK TO WORK SELLING FOR HIM". Receptionist called me to the front as they didn't even know me by my former married last name where I work...(professionally and because I've only been in GA for 2 years I go by maiden name unless it is for son at school then hyphenate my names.)They said "we don't have a Peachy S. here, we do have a Peachy E though..." He had to say that he wanted to see Peachy E and then they called me to the front. He looked at me for maybe two seconds and handed the envelope to me. His office is ironically maybe ten minutes away .. He was all dressed up and looked at me and for that instant I saw incredible shame and guilt and sadness. Yes, sadness in his eyes and it hurt me. But I quickly said "thank you I've got to get back to my patients." I walked away and showed him no emotion. It was very sad though. I saw for that brief moment that he was sad. But those are his choices.

You do not stop living or loving your kids because they check out of our lives. It's a hard lesson to learn and it takes time. I wish I had been able to learn this quicker. I do pray God heals things before it ends like my M did. I really do. I keep praying for a huge miracle for somebody here on divorcing/divorced and keep praying for a huge healing and restoration. But facts are facts and the reality is you have to make a move and now. To protect you and the little ones. Am praying for you ok?

Oh...and forgot to add that if they are cheaing, then they are probably cheating on those they are cheating with....As x asked me to go back to work with him all the while his preggo sort of engaged chick is answering the phones at his office (she is uneducated, out of work men's magazine model btw...and no real job experiences)...

I laughed driving home as that the WS wants it all. They are cakepeople (can't just say cakeman here as there are cakegirls here as well). In my x's perfect little world, he'd have the barefoot and preggo ow answering the phones while I'd be in the conference room in the back with him having intelligent conversations about business decisions and "other things". Do they think we will buy their poop?

Oh, and one more thing. Find one, yes just one thing today to become happy about. Get outside. Be thankful this week. You are a good mom and have great children. One day someone will thank you for being there for them...the kids will. They are thankful for you being there. And get good books. Take care of YOU right now. That trickles down to the kids. You being and trying to heal helps you be an even better mom for them. Listen to the kids. Give them more hugs if needed. Be there. That's all we can do. And it's good.

In the end, it was not me that changed. I was the same person all along. I just got tougher and better and learned how deeply it is that I love my son and would go to bat for him at an instant. Am sitting back to wait for the time when I know I will go back to court. But I have inner peace and know forgiveness now.

We are so praying for you and others here. It's not fun to have to find people who are going through what you are to get advice from. It's not cool. I'd much rather be on a recipe-swapping forum somewhere or posting about something definitely more fun than this. But we are here for you. I don't post alot lately as I've been sick while having to be a mom and then find time to work too. But I read and keep up with everybody.

God bless you and those here. You cannot change your x. But you can refine and redefine the great woman you already are. Remember that. I was told that by my old sunday school teachers. Refine and redefine you now.