I have been doing really well and trying to move on as they say but I sometimes just get this overwhelming saddness. When I'm doing well I can be fine for 2 weeks and then I will just cry for days for no apparent reason. Meaning nothing new has happened!

I hate when I'm in the saddness mode because it totally controls me and I can't eat or sleep. It doesn't last as long as before but it hurts like it happened yesterday.

I sometimes go back to the whys and how could this be my life. Why can I except it some days and others I'm back to square one? I hate this!!! Don't we all.

I have very little contact with my stbxh and that helps because I know we still love each other. But I can't except the oc and he needs her in his life. So many lies and when I am around him I can't look him in the eyes, he even commented on this and asked me why. I told him the pain is so much that I can't believe he did what he did and looking in his eyes just makes me cry.

He is so remorseful but what good is it when the damage is already done. I still can't understand why he did this to his family. I know I have to let that go because I will never understand it and he can't either.

He losted so much!!! We losted so much, my boys have reconnected with their father but it is so different. My heartaches for them but we love each other and have got so much closer because of this awfull mess.

I still wish I'd wake up and this would be an awfull dream and not my life. I'm scared!!! I never been alone. I haven't had anyone hold me in 9 months and I ache for the touch. I want someone to love me, care for me again.

I still go to IC and belong to a support group and read enough self help book to choke a horse. I really am down the path of recovery but I still hurt and I'm nervous about the holidays.

First time without stbxh around, he always made the turkey and stuffing. I can do it on my own but its just the tradition that make things hard. I am having everyone at my house I felt the busier I am the better.

I have no question really just needed to vent and let off some steam.

Thanks for listening!!

LJ

You're healing!
By crying, it shows you have feelings.
Yes, it hurts, but you either grieve now or grieve later, or become an emotionally dead person.
Tears can be cleansing. Let them flow.
Take care of yourself through your grief, but understand that grieving is a step in healing.

lj1122 - You know what I have been wondering how you were doing... I am sorry to hear that you are still in so much pain... But I don't really have any great advice just that it really truly does heal over time.. My ex and I got divorced 9/18/02 and this all begain 10/12/01 - and finally this year on about 10/20/03 - for no apparent reason - nothing different - I just let go - I stopped obsessing about why, what if, how come... I truly don't know what came over me - but I believe that I reached my boiling point so to speak ... I was done feeling sorry for myself and for the direction that my life took...

I have accepted the fact that my exhusband has left his family, doesn't see his two girls all that often, made my finances all that much tougher... And because all of this so he could be with the lady that lives right next door to me - But then it hit me - he has to live with what he did, he is still lying, he is still hiding things, he has hardly no relationship with his kids and he has none of his old friends - nothing - this is a man that has nothing and has to live with what he did....

I know what it feels like to want to be loved and you will be again someday - I just think you have to let it go - but in the meantime - don't beat yourself up when you have a setback --- Just keep remembering that through time they are going to get less and less... Just remember you cannot control anyone in this situation except yourself and that you are the only one that can make you happy.... Believe me - in time you will be able to let go and move on.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lj1122:
<strong> I have been doing really well and trying to move on as they say but I sometimes just get this overwhelming saddness. When I'm doing well I can be fine for 2 weeks and then I will just cry for days for no apparent reason. Meaning nothing new has happened! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ij
I am sorry for the pain inflicted upon you.
Newly's advice is right on. I am a man and had trouble crying at first. Then one day it happened and when I was done, I felt a heavy weight lifted from my heart. I have cryed few times since then, but not as hard as the first one. Crying bleeds out the hurt. It's gets to be less and less painful and one day you will be smiling and not crying. Just take care and continue to prepare yourself for a brighter future. It will come in God's time.

lj
What you're feeling is normal. For me it's been 16 months of separation and just last night I had a crying jag too. But when you "revert" back to crying, you're NOT back to square one. You are still moving ahead, just having emotions about it. It's OK to cry and should not be taken as a backward step at this point! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> LJ said: First time without stbxh around, he always made the turkey and stuffing. I can do it on my own but its just the tradition that make things hard. I am having everyone at my house I felt the busier I am the better. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is exactly the right idea. It will definitely help having everyone at your house, and staying busy. Don't let separation or even divorce "win" over your spirit. Go ahead and do all the traditional things you used to do, have the family over, do the Christmas tree, etc...

You know, if the turkey thing is too much, there are options. Do it yourself, buy it already cooked, serve something else (cornish hens, lasagna, it doesn't matter). Think of it as a day to celebrate love and the people around you and all the other blessings. You can be just as thankful over ham or roast of fish or cold cereal as you are over a large bird.

Talk to your counselor. Perhaps you may need some antidepressants. (For what it is worth, I know my x does not respect me - it's only been 8.5 years since he moved out - and that he would love to hurt me emotionally, even at this late date. Last night I cried over the latest round of his shenanigans.)

One more thought. YOu talk about being fine for 2 weeks and then not fine. Are these 2 week intervals real or are they a figure of speech. If they are real, they could somehow be hormonally related. Those silly hormones can get you sometimes.

Thanks for all your understand and prayers.

I hear everything you all say and I know time is my friend and my enemy at times. I really am doing so much better than I was before. I like to see it in writing sometimes because I can read and re-read the responses.

This site is a blessing and so is everyone here. I think of you guys as my angels and you just guide me though my ups and downs. It helps more than you know.

I will survive and I will make new traditions. I just sometimes miss the old ones. I talked to my boys and they are so supportive. I love them so much! I see the saddness in their eyes and I want them to know we will make it.

My stbxh has lost so much and he truly is the loser in all of this. How sad! No one is the winner in this mess. He said that when he was with our older son the other day that he could feel the disrespect he had for him. It breaks my heart for both of them.

He was always a hands on father, coached baseball and came to all their sporting events. Now they can't even look him in the eyes. I hope they can rebuild their relationship but so much damage.

Older son said I will always love my dad, I just don't respect him. Ouch!! How does stbxh live with that? I know I couldn't but that is his burden not mine. I can look in the mirror everyday and have no guilt. I hold my head high!

But as I say that I do sometime feel bad for him because he did lose so much. His life at this moment is not very good and he knows it. He has such great remorse but there is a price to pay. I can't fix this and I don't want to.

Thanks to all my angels!

LJ

So do I. Hello all I haven't been around much lately. Mainly just come about once a week to lurk. It has been a full year since I found out and I still cry. I am trying to decide what to do divorce or stay. H has been trying everything in his power to save us however, so much damage has been done I am not so sure he can. I pray daily several times. I can not stand to look him in his eyes either. Have no respect for him. Our problems are much more bigger than my original post. I am only staying pretty much right now because of financial reasons.

Met with attorney a week ago found out I can only get some of his pension no alimony. I work full time and so does he. No children together so if I divorce him other women will continue to collect child support for 20 something more years and I will get nothing. That has me even more angry at him. Of course he knows nothing of my visit. I feel lifeless around him but, am not strong enough be on my own.

I am sorry to sound like a pity partier here but, I know how you feel and thought I needed to commment. God bless all!!!!!!!!!!

lj1122 -the crying helps ooze the crud out of your system. That was how it was explained to me. A wound, that needs to heal, but you have to get the pus out first. You are doing exactly that. A good suggestion was, are you on anti-depressants. I went on them, and am so thankful. I am still on them, and will continue probably about another 9 months. I still occasionally have a crying spell. Just start crying, and can't seem to stop and the pain is so raw. Then when its over, I find myself moving on. Not like before, I felt so wore out, so ripped, so miserable. I don't feel happy now, but I can move on and get things done.

Having a big dinner party may be difficult. I would suggest that you do the turkey, and whatever you want. But have everyone coming bring a dish to pass and a drink. Or a dish to pass and a dessert. That way you only have to worry about getting a few things prepared, cause you are going to spend plenty of time cleaning the house, and praying for your sanity. Also, you want to take time and do something with your kids, like watch the thanksgiving parade.

I am going to have dinner at my house this year. And I am asking everyone to bring a dish to pass, and a drink. Pop or wine. I have some bringing a dish to pass and a dessert. You want to enjoy yourself, and beable to converse with friends and family. That is the important part, taking time for you. And of course, taking time to be thankful for your family, friends, and God.

What you are experiencing is normal, it is part of the healing process. I didn't believe it then, but now I can vouch that it is healing and it will get better. God be with you and your kids.

As I read these responds I see so much wisdom and understanding.

I like to be reassured that I'm okay and heading in the right direction. You're all right when you say that crying is a cleansing process. I do feel better when I let myself feel. What I do notice with time that just like Faith4me said I cry but then I can move on when before I would stay curled up in a ball. So I guess that's progress.

I am letting everyone bring something to the Thanksgiving feast, I'll take care of turkey and stuffing, potatoes and veggies. Everyone else will bring desserts and/or drinks. My family is very supportive and thank you for reminding me of their love for me and my boys.

I sometimes get so caught up with what I lost that I tend to forget what I have. I'm a very blessed person between my family, friends and you guys I think I will be fine.

Thanks for the reminder!!

LJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lj1122:
<strong>

I am letting everyone bring something to the Thanksgiving feast, I'll take care of turkey and stuffing, potatoes and veggies. Everyone else will bring desserts and/or drinks. My family is very supportive and thank you for reminding me of their love for me and my boys.

I sometimes get so caught up with what I lost that I tend to forget what I have. I'm a very blessed person between my family, friends and you guys I think I will be fine.

Thanks for the reminder!!

LJ </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am in a similar situation. It is my first Thanksgiving w/o my W. We always have a family reunion at my house and relatives come in from all over the country. I was going to give that up to my cousin this year because of my apathy, but then I thought that might cast a pall over all the Thanksgivings to follow. So I am hosting once again. I too am lucky to have the support of my family and I will let them love me back to a happy life. I am so grateful to have them. It's a great reason for giving thanks.

Happy Thanksgiving to you LJ and let the healing begin for all of us.