Hello...This is the first time I have posted here. I truly hope that someone can give me some advice. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have 3 children ages 14,11, and 4. Our life has been pretty near perfect until 2 years ago. Husband was away at school and got to be good friends with a younger lady. The kissed once, but talked to each other all the time. I found out...he said she meant nothing...cut ties and that was that. Two years later and I think our life is wonderful and he says...I don't know if I want to be married any more. There is no one else...he just says he is happier away from home. So he has been sleeping at the office and coming home occassionally to see the kids. He will not go to counseling...says he doesn't want someone making him feel guilty and forcing him to come home. He says he still loves me, but doens't know if he is on love with me. He loves our kids and is a wonderful father. He will not open up...I think he is afraid to commit one way or the other. He says he does not want a divorce. He just can't be at home all the time right now. I told him I thought he was being selfish...having the best of both worlds...his freedom and getting to come home to a loving family whenever he wants. I am at a total loss here. Do you let him keep coming home whenever he wants...I feel like he is using us. Or do I tell him unitl he is willing to make a decision he should stay away from us. I'm trying to be understanding...I really want to scream at him to wake up and see what all he is ruining!!! I am so confused...I really hope you all have some advice for me. I have been reading the posts for about 3 weeks now and some of you realy seem to give good advice. Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello HP,<P>I am so sorry that you and your children are going through this. You have come to the right place for help. You need to read everything you can on this site. It sounds like your H is in the midst of a Mid Life Crisis. There is a book by Jim Conway called Men in Mid Life Crisis. I would suggest you read it as soon as possible. This really helped me when my H was going through the exact same thing.<P>I wish I could tell you that this would be solved in a few weeks. Please take care of yourself through this crisis. You will lose your appetite, have difficulty sleeping and concentrating. You mind will only be focused on what is going on with your husband almost like an obsession. Just know that all of these reactions are normal.<P>Your H has embarked on a journey that he is not asking you to join him on. You will be blamed for everything that is going wrong or he perceives is going wrong with him right now. Just follow the concepts of Plan A and implement as soon as possible. Believe it or not, his moving out and thinking about his family might just be the best thing. He needs the space to sort out the very confusing feelings he is having. Just be as pleasant as you can be, loving, supportive but not clingy. When he comes over make sure you look great and that you look happy. Do not cry and try to make him feel guilty. This would just push him away.<P>Please come back here to update us. I have been through this experience and September the 25th marked one year since my H moved back home. This will be one of the most painful, traumatic things you will go through but with the support of all the loving, caring people on this site you will make it. We have all gone through a similar experience. <P>NoMo.

Dear HP,<P>Here is an article you might find interesting:<P>HIS Midlife Crisis!!<P><BR>Will Your Relationship Survive?<BR>You're in a committed relationship, married or involved on an exclusive basis. You've thought everything was glorious. Or, at least as glorious as it gets -- all relationships have some rough spots.<P>It seems that you're always fighting. Or he just doesn't act like himself anymore. He doesn't like his job. He wants to sell the house and get a little place in the mountains or a sailboat and sail to the islands. You're too fat or too thin or too short or too tall. He doesn't like being home. He wants a sportier car. He changes his hair style, starts a diet and joins the local gym. He says his clothes are too old for him. He says you and he have grown apart. He needs time to think about 'things.' He wants space. He wants something but he doesn't know what. He wants a divorce. <P>If he's between the ages of 35 and 50, your man is blazing a trail through male midlife - he's having a crisis.<P>We're not talking about the man who has always been a womanizer, a schemer or generally not the nicest person in the world. We are talking about the man who has up to this point assumed responsibility and been the person you could depend upon in time of need.<P>What you must keep in mind is that he really doesn't understand what he's doing, he isn't deliberately hurting you he just knows that something is wrong in his life and he's searching for the answers.<P>Of course you're sitting there saying, "Whoa! I'm supposed to just be quiet and tolerate his forays into other-woman-land and let's-junk-it-all-and-sail-around-the-world-land or ditch-the-stationwagon-I-need-a-red-sports-car-land?<P>Well, yes. Of course you do have options here. You can rage and make demands that he clean up his act. And probably shortly thereafter you'll find yourself in divorce-land.<P>You see, men don't plan on turning unpredictable. It happens when they look in the mirror or in the eyes of their grandchildren and see themselves as old men. They have, up to this point, believed they were 25-year old boys.<P>One mid-50's midlife graduate says it made him a better person. He has remained with his original wife and their relationship has been redefined to better meet his needs. He has his space and a home in the country that allows him to "entertain" when he feels the need and she has her space and their home in the city that allows her a place to pound on the walls and scream when she feels the urge.<P>Another mid-50's graduate traded the pressures of wife, home and business and now lives aboard a small boat, doing odd jobs to support himself.<P>A mid-60's executive still in crisis has added a 20-something mistress into his lifestyle. His wife waits patiently for the affair to run its course.<P>The Crisis<P>Male Midlife devours relationships. It may be devouring yours. What you must understand and believe is that no matter what you will do, or won't do, the outcome will be the same. You do not have control over him, only yourself.<P>He might not be alone on this search, but you probably weren't invited, and you probably wouldn't have been regardless of the circumstances. You see, you are part of the problem as he thinks he sees it. You don't understand, how could you? He may have met someone else who seems to understand him perfectly, or reaffirms his youthfulness (as with the mid-60's executive, above). But how could anyone understand him when he doesn't understand himself? He's in an emotional storm that will test the patience and endurance of all of those who love him as he comes to grips with the fact that he is no longer 25. He will hurt you. He doesn't mean to hurt you, but he will hurt you.<P>It's a punch right between the eyes when he suddenly realizes that he is getting older. There's so much he hasn't done. Time is running out. He can't keep up this stress of being husband, father, breadwinner! He's getting older - his hair is thinning, his waist is thickening, his muscles are flabby, his face is wrinkling, he's got a t-shirt with little hand prints and 'we love you, gramps' in childish scrawl. He is feeling emotions he's never felt before. And occasionally he is impotent. IT'S JUST TOO MUCH!! HE CAN'T HANDLE IT!! HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE AN OLD MAN!!! Sometimes referred to as 'male menopause,' male midlife is not nice for any of the players involved. It's difficult to say who hurts more, him or you.<P>What Now?<P>Should you try to wait for this crisis to end, for your lives to return where they used to be? It might take the patience of Job and the result may still not be the one you want. He will do what he must do when he must do it. Once he has made his passage he will not be the same. He is at a major turning point in his life, a normal part of the male maturing process that, should he be successful in navigating through the storms, will help him to lead a fuller and more satisfying life, accepting the normal limitations inherent with the aging process.<P>Some men aren't successful in the passage. Suicide rates increase for men as they age. Suicide offers the promise of release from seemingly unbearable emotional pain. Women know how to express their emotions, whereas men are taught to hold their emotions back, to 'act like a man!' For some, suicide is the only way to suppress the emotional pain associated with the midlife passage.<P>His Crisis - Your Problem<P>You need to be aware of what's happening to your man. Being aware will make you less apt to blame yourself for the things going wrong. He will be blaming you as it is, because he knows he's not wrong.<P>There's not much you can do to speed up his passage through this crisis in your lives. He probably doesn't want to talk about it, at least not to you. He may believe that you're the whole reason he feels the way he does. It's not true.<P>You need to understand that this is his problem, it will have to be his solution and what he’s going through is normal and you are not responsible. You can't change it or fix it because you didn't break it.<P>You will have to step back and let him whirl around in his search to find himself. He has a need to blame someone for the bad feelings he has - he will probably blame you. He must blame someone for the terrible way he's acting, for the lousy way he feels. He knows he's not at fault, it must be you. Don't believe it. And don’t try to explain his feelings to him. You can't and he won't listen.<P>Men Are From Pluto<BR>Women Are From Macy's<P>There's no doubt men and women are quite different in how they handle emotional situations and midlife is one of the most notable examples.<P>As a female, you have been trained for your role in society to take care of other people, to be responsible for their well-being, to make things run smoothly. You have been taught to believe that when relationships don't go well it is your responsibility to correct the situation. You look inside yourself for the answers.<P>In the case of his midlife crisis, the answers must come from him. You cannot change his behavior, he must. You cannot undo the training he received as a young boy when he was taught 'boys don't cry,' and to 'take it like a man.' You can only understand that he has been taught that real men don't cry, or express fear, pain, sorrow, love, and joy. You cannot change the situation.<P>If you think you can control his behavior by changing yourself, you are in for a lot of anger and disappointment. This issue is not about you, it is about him.<P>'Real Men' Don't<P>Men are trained to hide their emotions. That doesn't mean the emotions don't exist, they're buried deep in the recesses of how 'real men' act. Let's face it, men are human beings the same as women are. They just don't act it sometimes and they certainly don't act it much of the time they're plowing through their personal midlife crisis.<P>When you get angry it is perfectly all right for you to express that anger. Society says he must be in control no matter the situation. He is trained to appear calm, cold, unemotional, unfeeling. It is easy to believe that he is that way inside, too. Men need to scream and cry sometimes. It's just not allowed.<P>His Financial Image<P>Society measures the worth and the success of a man by how much money he has and makes. If he isn't making the kind of money he thinks he should, he will be angry at the obstacles he believes are standing in his way. He may believe his family responsibilities are holding him back. Time is running out! He has to do something right now. He doesn't know what to do but he will do something.<P>He needs more affection now and may reach out to you. If you respond with surprise or rejection because you don't understand this new behavior, he may find the affection and affirmation of his desirability in the arms of a girlfriend. Nothing personal, you understand, he doesn't know what he's doing. And he certainly doesn't mean to hurt you. At midlife a man will do many things he wouldn't have done before.<P>He's scared of dying. His friends may be developing illnesses, some may have died. He's afraid.<P>He's resentful, frustrated and depressed. He feels trapped by his responsibility to provide for his family. He’s locked into a job or career that he no longer enjoys because he must keep the kids in college and make payments on the house and car.<P>If he's like most men, he may be in responsibility overload: in need of a break from financial responsibilities and the daily demands of work that he's had virtually since he got out of school. He may resent the fact that he cannot make the choices that so many women can as far as choosing whether or not they want to work and at what. He needs a long break from responsibility but he knows that's an impossibility. He's trapped.<P>How he reacts to this extreme pressure cannot be predicted. Rest assured, though, he will react.<P>What Can You Do?<P>The crisis will not end in a week or two. It may take a year or more to get resolved. You will need patience to let him learn to cope with the new feelings and emotions that are occuring in his life. You cannot do this for him nor can you demand that he seek counseling or talk the problem through with you. You may suggest it but you cannot demand it. It will do no good.<P>Again, understand and accept the fact that it is his problem, not your fault. Don't take the responsibility for his pain and suffering.<P>Give him space. No matter how insecure you're feeling, don't cling, berate, belittle or push him. If he wants more time than usual to be by himself or with his fishing or golfing buddies, don't complain about how little time he's spending with you. He's trying to think his problems through and he'll find a way regardless of what you say or do.<P>Now is the time you must develop yourself as an independent person. You must take responsibility for yourself and your happiness without depending on him for the closeness and intimacy that he probably is unable to give right now. Plan things without him. Learn to depend upon yourself, not him. Allow him to do the same.<P>Do things by yourself and with friends. Make a life for yourself without waiting for him to participate. <P>He may refuse to go to counseling but that doesn't mean you shouldn't in order to better cope with your feelings during this difficult time.<P>Continue to treat him and all men kindly. This may sound like a silly statement, but your confusion and resentment about his current situation may cause you to "male bash." "Dumb men" jokes may seem funny at the time, but they will be painful and hurtful to a man in crisis and to men in general.<P>Reaffirm your love for him, your desire for him, your attraction to him. Tell him and show him that he is the most important person in your life. Do it without smothering, clinging or demanding that he reciprocate the feelings to you.<P>If you make the decision to demand that he straighten up, to demand that he stop his erratic behavior, to demand that he return to the person you’re most comfortable with, you'll be making a mistake.<P>If you make the decision to nag and whine, you'll be making a mistake.<P>If you think you can make the choices for him or tell him what he should do to feel better or get his life in order, you'll be making a mistake.<P>If you make idle threats about what you will do if he doesn’t change, you'll be making a mistake.<P>You are not to blame for the feelings that are guiding his life at this time. However, your actions will help to influence the choices he makes.<P>As hard as it may be to stand back and watch him self-destruct, that is the role you will have to take.<P>Coping with male midlife crisis is not easy. Not every relationship will survive the strain. <P>

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! WOW! You are really great! I really need someone to talk to who is not directly involved in our life. My husband says there is no one else. I am going to ask one more time and see what his response is. I think he must be going through a mid life crisis even though he is only 37. He has always wanted to be young, not grow up...I just thought all men were like that!! He started going to concerts, playing the guitar and wants a Harley. I am saddened not by the fact that he wants all those things, but that he is pusing the kids and I aside in the process. I am going to try and Plan A. I am having a hard time with that because I feel cheated. Like I am always the giver and he is always the taker. I guess that is what he needs in his life right now and I am going to stand by him until he says that's it. He says he does not want a divorce. I hope I can do the right thing to make him see that our family is the most important thing. Thank you for responding!! The articles you posted were VERY helpful!! I am also going to go buy that book and see if I can make sense of any of this!! Please continue to write. I need someone to talk to that has gone through similar stuff.

Here is yet another great article that I read and reread during my H's MLC. Please write back after reading this article and we can talk specifically about your situation. I believe the best thing you can do right now is to educate yourself on what is happening.<P><BR>"June 2000 <P>Dear Friends, <P>Have you noticed that June is bustin' out all over? Not only has the world turned into green buds and yellow roses, but this is the month when our thoughts turn naturally to romantic love songs and silver wedding bells. New families are coming off the assembly line every day. Nothing is more inspirational than the uniting of two unique and divergent personalities in a marital commitment that will last for a lifetime, with God's help. <P>Who can comprehend this mysterious bonding that enables a man and woman to withstand the many storms of life and remain best friends to the end of their lives together? This phenomenon is so remarkable that the Apostle Paul, under divine inspiration, chose it to symbolize the unfathomable bond of love between Jesus Christ and His bride, the church. We could spend a month or two just thinking about the implications of that wonderful analogy. <P>Unfortunately, a depressing number of today's marriages end on a less inspirational note. Indeed, Western nations are witnessing a continuing epidemic of dysfunctional relationships. A recent study done by sociologists at Rutgers University concluded that the institution of marriage itself appears to be dying.1 I shudder to contemplate what life will be like (and how children will suffer) if the researchers prove to be right! <P>The agony inflicted by divorce cannot be overstated. It was this tragic situation that led me to write Love Must Be Tough, which continues to be one of my most popular books. It addresses not only marriages in distress, but concepts that will strengthen less troubled relationships. Let me focus my comments this month on the most important among them. <P>The standard approach to marriage counseling is to teach husbands and wives how to revitalize unhealthy relationships and help them work through their conflicts. Unfortunately, such advice assumes that both parties are equally motivated to work on their problems. That is rarely the case. Typically, when a marriage is unraveling, there is one partner who is less concerned about the prospect of divorce, while the other is terrified by it. At its worse, as in cases of infidelity, the drifting member often has little desire to engage in counseling, except perhaps as a pretense to lessen guilt or criticism. He or she may have decided already that the relationship is over. It has been my observation that the way the committed partner responds at that vital juncture will determine whether the marriage will survive or succumb. I'll explain why in a moment. <P>Only those who have been rejected by a beloved spouse can fully comprehend the tidal wave of pain that crashes into one's life when a relationship ends. Nothing else matters. There are no consoling thoughts. The future is without interest or hope. Emotions swing wildly from despair to acceptance and back again. Nothing in human experience can compare with the agony of knowing that the person to whom you pledged eternal devotion has betrayed your trust and is now involved in sexual intimacies with a "stranger". . . a competitor . . . a more beautiful or handsome playmate. Death itself would be easier to tolerate than being tossed aside like an old shoe. <P>If one word must be selected to describe the entire experience, it would be something equivalent to panic. Just as a drowning person exhausts himself or herself in a desperate attempt to grasp anything that floats, a rejected partner typically tries to grab and hold the one who is leaving. This panic then leads to appeasement, which destroys what is left of the marriage. <P>Let's look for a moment at the other half of the relationship—focusing on the individual who wants out of the marriage. What secrets lie deep within the mind of the woman who has an affair with her boss, or the man who chases the office flirt? Surprising to some, the desire for sex is not the primary motivator in such situations. Something much more basic is operating below the surface. <P>Long before any decision is made to "fool around" or walk out on a partner, a fundamental change has begun to occur in the relationship. Many books on this subject lay the blame on the failure to communicate, but I disagree. The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way a husband or wife begins to devalue the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped in a relationship with someone he or she no longer respects. <P>Now we begin to see why groveling, crying and pleading by a panic-stricken partner tend to drive the claustrophobic partner even farther away. The more he or she struggles to gain a measure of freedom (or even secure a little breathing room), the more desperately the rejected spouse attempts to hang on. <P>Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive. There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will. <P>To the reader who is desperately in need of this advice, please pay close attention at this point: I'm sure you would not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your husband or wife to marry you during your dating days. You had to lure, attract, charm and encourage him or her. This subtle game of courtship had to take place one delicate step at a time. Obviously, it would not have been successful if you had wept violently and hung on the neck of your lover saying, "I think I'll die if you don't marry me! My entire life amounts to nothing without you. Please! Oh, please, don't turn me down," etc. <P>Coercing and manipulating a potential marriage partner is like high-pressure tactics by a used car salesman. What do you think he would accomplish by telling a potential customer through his tears, "Oh, please, buy this car! I need the money so badly and I've only had two sales so far this week. If you turn me down, I think I'll go straight out and kill myself!" <P>This is a ridiculous analogy, of course, but there is applicability to it. When one has fallen in love with an eligible partner, he attempts to "sell himself" to the other. But like the salesman, he must not deprive the buyer of free choice in the matter. Instead, he must convince the customer that the purchase is in his own interest. If a person would not buy an automobile to ease the pain of a salesman, how much more unlikely is he to devote his entire being to someone he doesn't love, simply for benevolent reasons? None of us is that unselfish. Ideally, we are permitted by God to select only one person in the course of a lifetime, and few are willing to squander that one shot on someone we merely pity! In fact, it is very difficult to love another person romantically and pity him or her at the same time. <P>If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They only increase the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping. Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when the time is right: "John [or Diane], I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done. As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1989 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead." <P>Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can't believe it. This person to whom he has felt bound hand and foot for years has now set him free! It isn't necessary to fight off her advances—her grasping hands—any more. <P>"But there must be a catch," he thinks. "It's too good to be true. Talk is cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she'll be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She's really weak, you know, and she'll crack under pressure." <P>It is my strongest recommendation that you, the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him that you are serious—that he is actually free. He may even test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or by flirtation with others. But one thing is certain: He will be watching for signs of weakness or strength. The vestiges of respect hang in the balance. <P>If the more vulnerable spouse passes the initial test and convinces the partner that his freedom is secure, some interesting changes begin to occur in their relationship. Please understand that every situation is unique and I am merely describing typical reactions, but these developments are extremely common in families I have seen. Most of the exceptions represent variations on the same theme. Three distinct consequences can be anticipated when a previously "grabby" lover begins to let go of the cool spouse: <P><BR>The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and their relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindled, necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased. <P>As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After wondering for weeks or months, "How can I get out of this mess?" he now asks, "Do I really want to go?" Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home! <P>The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he or she feels better—somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan—a program—a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins.<BR>This recommendation is consistent with the Apostle Paul's writings in 1 Corinthians 7:15: "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances. God has called us to live in peace" (NIV). Paul is not authorizing the rejected spouse to initiate a divorce in these instances. He is, rather, instructing a man or woman to release the marital partner when he or she is determined to depart. The advice I have offered today is an expression of that scripture. <P>Well, that represents my attempt to summarize a basic theme of Love Must Be Tough, which is 212 pages in length. I hope it will be helpful to those who have been struggling to keep a troubled marriage alive. In a broader sense, the principles I have described are not only relevant to husbands and wives in a time of crisis; they are applicable to healthier marriages, too. Indeed, I wish they could be taught to every engaged or newlywed couple in the morning of their lives together. There would be fewer bitter divorces if young husbands and wives knew how to draw their drifting partners toward them, rather than relentlessly driving them away. Respect, you see, is not only vital to rebuilding broken marriages, but to preserving healthy relationships day by day. <P>Now isn't that just like an author to promise the moon to his readers? All writers have this tendency to overestimate the significance of their views. Books being published today offer everything from 30 more years of life for men or ageless skin for women. Unfortunately, these authors rarely deliver on their promises; they remind me of "Professor Miraculous" in the Old West who sold his Elixir of Life from the back of his covered wagon and then left town ... fast. <P>Hoping not to fall into the same "cure-all" trap, let me tell you candidly how I feel about the various concepts described in Love Must Be Tough—only one of which is addressed in this letter. Genuine insights into human behavior are not everyday occurrences—at least not for me. Indeed, if one stumbles onto two or three fundamental principles in the course of a lifetime, he or she has done well. The concepts I expressed in this book focus on one of my allotted few. Do they always preserve dysfunctional marriages? Of course not. No one can make that promise. But even in cases where the spark of love has died, the principle of self-respect in the face of rejection holds true. The alternative is usually despair. <P>Though I haven't emphasized the role of prayer in the preservation of a troubled family, I'm sure you know that it is the key to everything. The institution of marriage was God's design, and He has promised to answer those who ask for His healing touch. Still, it helps to understand your spouse as you seek to restore what God has "joined together". If you would like to read a more detailed presentation of these issues, you can request Love Must Be Tough from Focus on the Family. I have waived all royalty on copies distributed through the ministry, as always, so your request will help us make it financially through the summer months. We could sure use the assistance. Either way, thanks for reading along with me this month. <P>Have a great summer. I'll drop you another line in July. <P>Sincerely in Christ, <P>James C. Dobson, Ph.D.<BR>President" <P>This is from the family.org website. I hope you find this article as illuminating as I did. Hang in there. You are doing the best thing you can do right now-which is read, read and read.<BR>NOMO<BR>

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I am at such a loss with my husband. I truly believe there is no one else...although I will definately keep my eyes and ears open. On the days he doesn't come home he doesn't call, email or anything...just no show. On the days he does come home he usually sends an email asking if he can come. I want so badly to say no we are busy, but on the other hand I want to Plan A him and let him come. Today I am going to the book store. I have a lot of reading to do and I need to concentrate on me and my kids. My husband is the most wonderful man...what happened to him!?!?!??! I am feeling a little like a door mat, but feel like I have to be here for him right now. I am not quite ready to say...ok all or nothing. I am not prepared for nothing. Please continue to write. This is so helpful!!! Thank you!!!

That was a great article, NOMO! It's kind of the missing piece in Plan A. I really believe in Plan A, but after reading the article, I can see how if Plan A is implemented with a desperate, clingy attitude, it won't work.<P>HP, I don't have any real words of wisdom for you. I think everybody who has been in your situation must feel that this change in the spouse came out of nowhere. You are grieving for the man he was, and hoping he's still in there, somewhere. In the meantime, you're right to focus on yourself and the kids. I would always tell him he's welcome home, if you and the kids don't have other plans--and if you do, tell your H he's welcome to join you. I think it's important for him to fit himself back into the family--Your job is to allow the opportunities.--as opposed to the family conforming to his needs. Your lives will go on just the same, but you'd welcome him back if he chooses to do so.<P>You have legitimate cause for anger. He's betrayed you, even though he apparently hasn't cheated. You have a lot of hurt, damaged trust, and grieving to deal with. Please feel free to bring your emotions here. It may help you keep it out of your dealings with him. And you might want to consider getting counseling yourself, since he won't go with you (yet). I did, and it was a big help for me. <P>Good luck, and God bless.<BR>