W wants divorce, I don't. Neither ever did anything bad that I am aware of, she just doesn't want M anymore. She removed me from My house, my family, my life. All I ever wanted out of life was the happyness and comfort of a family and she is taking that from me. I want to be a husband and a father not a weekend dad.

Why the H*LL am I being nice to her and trying to give her everything she wants with nothing but a thread of hope that she will change her mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

It does feel good to vent sometimes even if it is only on a keyboard.

Have you read the concepts area of this website? How do you know you were giving her everything she wanted? Did you communicate?

Or did you give her everything "you thought she should want?". There's a very big difference here. In many ways, it comes from not hearing our spouses.

I'm not accusing here, just hoping you look at your own actions which contributed to the state of your M.

My X claimed he wanted the M too, but only on his terms, and he refused to change or to see a counselor.

Let me remind you why.

You are doing this because it’s the most likely way to accomplish your goal. Because while she doesn’t want to be married to you any more, you aren’t a completely innocent party either. Was it good when you didn’t meet all of her emotional needs? Was it good when you didn’t take her desires into consideration when making decisions? Was it good when you retaliated to love busters with more love busters?

Now, I’m not saying she’s been the model wife either. I’ll bet she LB’ed, and neglected your emotional needs. I’ll be she made decisions that she knew would make you unhappy. That’s what we all tend to do until we learn better.

But, she’s the one who was so miserable she had to leave. And you want her back. So right now, it’s about changing the way you interact with her so that she feels safe enough to at least put a hold on the divorce.

Further, should she be in my place, simply empty, should she still divorce you, all your work at changing your behavior will reap rewards in a decent, amicable relationship with her. Imagine the difference between an X who wants you to spend time with her children and an X who cringes at the very thought of you speaking to her children. (Yes, I know there your children, too, but that’s not how the mama bear thinks of her cubs.) That’s the worst case scenario.

But, there are a lot of best case scenarios. A wife who’s madly in love with you and can’t wait to fulfill your wildest dreams. A wife who understands the rules of blissful marriages, the rule of safety, the rule of time, the rule of joint agreement and the rule of care.

So, yes come and vent. I do know it hurts a lot when you’re putting a lot of energy into something and you get rebuffed. I know it’s frustrating when you seem not to be making any progress. I know it’s scary when you aren’t in control of the outcome.

I ended up in a worse case scenario. I spent a long, long time in Plan A to bring my spouse out of withdrawal. He did come out of withdrawal, but he didn’t change the way he treated me at all. Eventually, I left, and then I filed for divorce. That was what it took to get his attention. But, by then, I was finished. I had nothing left to give. Even though I was going to Marriage counseling, I was only going through the motions, my heart wasn’t in it.

But, all that work I did over three years has paid off in spades. I’ve learned tons, I’ve grown incredibly. I don’t even hate my husband now. I can better handle him. We have a chance at having an amicable post-divorce relationship. Had I not done the work, we would have ended up in divorced but not speaking. And I would have felt I didn’t really try.

Newly
I'm sorry, I guess I worded that wrong. I am not "Giving" her everything she wants because she does not want it right now. What I meant is that I am doing everything that she wants(Seperation, space, D, etc....) without whining and complaining about it.

greengables
Thanks for the pep talk. Thats probably what I realy need right now. Leaving and knowing that I will not see my family for another week is tough.
Fortunately, My W and I still have a very friendly relationship. In fact we still have most everything between us other than Intimacy. We are only friends right now.

Okay, Bob the Builder, go to it!!!

I'm glad I didn't come on too strong. I think I was transferring and projecting some of my own experience onto you and your wife. Hopefully not too much. And teh points I made are all MB based.

I knwo in general you have a pretty good attitude for where you find yourself. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

greengables
No I don't think you came on too strong. In fact, everything you say is exactly why I am here. After reading all the basic concepts and QA's,I new that it all sounded like what I needed to do for my M and my self. I found my way to the forums where I have been able to get the
encouragement and support to keep me going.
I see a long road ahead of me and my first goal on that road is something that you said.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So right now, it’s about changing the way you interact with her so that she feels safe enough to at least put a hold on the divorce. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">