Dear All:
It has been some weeks since I have been here. The recent loss of my job has required me to somewhat re-adjust my priorities. The good news is that this job search has served to push away the pain of divorce. I am now fighting the good fight for my children; trying to keep them fed, clothed, and comfortable. Whether my x-wife and I ever reconcile is no longer an issue. I have more important things to do.
My last posts were actually back in September during a very hopeful period. It really seemed as if my x-wife was coming back. And it was actually no surprise because she always said she would come back. We talked more, were close physically, laughed together, etc. There was something good developing, I thought, in the air.
This good trend though came crashing to an end suddenly when we, as a family, boarded a plane from Helsinki to JFK. We were to spend one week in Connecticut, my home state. As we were waiting at the gate, I noticed my x-wife busily sending a series of last minute text messsages; and I knew instinctively then that it was over. As it turned out, our trip was the perfect, symbolic opporunity for them (my x-wife and her OM) to re-commit themselves to one another. It was a pristine moment for them to state that regardless of this "family" trip, their hearts would remain loyal to one another all during the week and into the future from that date forward. So indeed during that week, she made it very clear to me that there would never be a reconciliation between us; that she had chosen her future, and that her heart would forever belong to him.
I learned later that the reason she seemed to be pulling closer to me back in September was that her boyfriend was, at the same time, pulling closer back to his x-common law wife. During September, he visited his x regularly, made Love to her, and held long talks. This revelation was the final straw for me. In essence, I realize now that I have been, and will always be, my x-wife`s "second choice"; her "back-up"; her "just-in-case". Over the last 18 months, their emotional roller coaster has peaked and bottomed quite a few times. I now understand that each time her relationship with him became a question mark, I suddenly became more attractive to her. But no more. I have resolved to put an end to this nonsense. I have seized the cards in my own hands. No matter where his or her emotions fly, I have finally resolved not to accept her back. I must face that no matter what I do, our relationship will forever be tainted. I have finally been able to glimpse through the fog and see just who she really is. I have realized that I no longer respect her and it is very hard to Love someone whom you do not respect. As a mother, she has abandoned our children emotionally. As a friend and family member, she has abandoned anyone else who does not agree with the actions she has taken. She has not taken the responsible step of communicating her feelings to our children about the divorce and how it is affecting their lives. Her interaction with them only regards everyday issues such as schoolwork or clothes shopping. She has also refused to participate in counselling with the children. My x-wife is blocked, so blocked. And even though she has been with her boyfriend for more than 18 months, she has never introduced him to the children. It is apparent he does not want to meet them. Their relationship has remained secret and has been carried out basically on his terms; whenever he has time to see her. When he calls, it seems my x-wife immediately makes him (and her own appearance) the number one priority. The children come a distant second. Her self-centeredness and irresponsibilty have become so very, very unattractive.
But why couldn`t I ever see the downside of us? I was in this fantasy land for so long about an international couple who would struggle together against all odds. We truly did have a unique story, but when the going got tough; and a new level of understanding and maturity was required; when our Love was put to the test; she just grabbed the first available lover and ran away. Well, I am very sorry, but she just cannot come back anymore.
I detest divorce and I believe it is the absolute wrong decison in most cases. But neither can a marriage hope to survive, be rebuilt, or grow when the partners have such "fundamentally different concepts of what a marriage truly is". In my opinion, a marriage must allow for mistakes and have forgiveness as its cornerstone. If willingness to change is demonstrated and proven, second chances should be granted. Marriage
cannot be a "black and white" contract. Humans change and can make mistakes. We are psychologically vulnerable to all kinds of bad decision-making. I was no different. But indeed, I have, long ago, accepted responsibility for my marital mistakes. I no longer need to seek forgiveness from my x-wife or from anyone. I have nothing to hide and am who I am. I am proud of who I am. But what I have still not heard is my x-wife`s own plead for forgiveness; her own "owning-up" to how she contributed to the crumbling of her marriage. And frustratingly, I do not expect I ever will hear this. In her view, all her actions during our marriage have been 100% justifed. It is I who is to blame. Until she admits her side though, there will be no healing for her; only a future of bitterness and mistrust. In the end, it is her choice.
My heart cries out for all of our suffering friends in this forum who still truly Love someone who refuses to return that Love. Many are facing or have faced the terrible "D"-word. It is so wrong. It is the devil at his worst.
I feel (and many perhaps share the same feeling about their own situations) that regardless of what I do, there will always be a hole in my heart; that large space which she vacated. And regardless of my finding another partner, I do not believe I will ever feel whole again. There is something unfathomable about the Love of Our Youth. It seems to be the most natural feeling one can experience. How fresh, new, unspoiled, and innocent to walk hand and hand at age 17; to first experience life`s mysteries; to grow up together; to plan together a seemingly endless future. But sadly, these days it is only a fraction of those marriages that can rough it through the years. With so much distracting stimulus and societal pressure; only those couples who can find and maintain spiritual strength tend to surivive. More than anything, I wanted to be part of such a couple, but I admit that I just did not do my part. I got so distracted and lost sight of what would be important and healthy for myself in the long term. I didn`t take care of myself and therefore I was unable to take care of my marriage.
But finally now for her; the woman of my youth:
I want whatever bitterness I have for you now to fade and disappear. I believe it will fade gradually as true forgiveness is applied. This is what I am trying very hard to do. It is a process and I am slowly, but surely, getting there. I truly wish you well in your new life. I hope you will find with him much more happiness and satisfaction than you ever found with me. Please stay healthy, eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep. As the mother of my children, I will always care about you. Goodbye.
Acceptance in Finland
<small>[ November 20, 2003, 07:02 AM: Message edited by: StandingInFinland ]</small>
