I would like to know how all of you continue to do Plan A day after day??? I am really trying hard with my husband, but some days I feel so down...like today. For those of you unfamiliar with me, my husband decided 4 weeks ago that he just didn't know if he wanted to be married or not! WOW..news to me!! He says there is no affair and so far I believe him. I believe it is a mid life crisis. He comes home about every other day and the other nights he spends at the office. We have 3 children. I have been trying to be the best spouse that I can be. I am happy when he is around and give the portrait of self confidence. It seemed to be working some. Saturday he was home and we had a great time. Also Monday night...same thing. We were laughing and everything. We did not talk about "us" at all. Just enjoyed being togehter. Well, I took that as a good sign and today he writes an email saying he will not be home tonight. His last line was..."I feel like, ah I don't know how I feel." WHAT?!?!?!?! He confuses me so much. I just want to shake him and say wake up!!! I am trying hard not to push, but boy is this hard!!! How do you all do this day after day. I feel so rejected on the days he doesn't come home. Feeling very sad and extremely frustrated!! Any advice??? Thanks!!!

How to Plan A day after day? A really tough question for all of us to answer. I could not fully implement a Plan A while my H lived at home and was in the "fog". When my H moved out I went to Plan B. My kids were old enough to be alone when he came over to visit. I scheduled his visits and timed my arrival home after he left. I could not stand the pain of trying to act like a family when he would come over. I decided he had to miss me. For him to miss me, I had to be incognito when he was around. I never, ever initiated calls to him. I let his messages go to voice mail and would return his calls after several hours had gone by. One week he called every day begging to have lunch with me. I would call him back on my way home sounding very upbeat, positive and would say I was busy at work and could not respond until now. The fourth day when he called I finally relented and had lunch with him. I decided I would not discuss us, would be pleasant, not ask him any personal questions, just discuss the children.<P>He picked me up for lunch, held open the car door for me which is something he rarely does. He complimented me on my new clothes and I smiled and said thank you. At the restuarant I discussed traffic, children, school projects of the children. He kept smiling at me, told me how much he missed me. I said that was good and continued with small talk. He asked if I missed him at all. I simply answered yes and continued on with discussing everything else but Our Relationship.<P>You see, HP, he had to learn what life would be like without me. I told him if we got divorced I would not be his friend. He would not be an intimate part of my life any longer. I told him I would move on and get by. I proved it when he moved out.<P>It took me months to get to that stage. Your husband sounds incredibly confused. I believe that your Plan A is having an effect. He cannot justify his feelings when he does come over because you and the children are disproving his bad feelings. That is a good sign. He needs to feel confused. I would suggest to you that the next time he is coming over to see the kids, that you go somewhere. Just be dressed up and tell him you have places to go. If he questions you be vague about your plans. He has to see that you will not crumble without him. Be upbeat and positive. <P>I know all you want to do is spend time with him. You miss him desparately. However, you can control some of the events around you. You cannot let him have all of the power. Let him wonder about you. Let him see the strong, independent woman he married. You will have to act your heart out but you can do it. I did it and if I can do it so can you.<P>Hang in there. Time is your enemy as well as your friend. This will not be fixed overnight but if you follow Plan A you will save your marriage.<P>NoMo.

NoMo...Thanks! You are always very helpful. I think you are right. I am always here for him. I think I will try to have some place to go and he can have the kids to himself for a while. This is all so confusing to me. I just don't understand how anyone can walk away from their kids. Inside I am dying, but I am going to try and be the best me that I can be. I can always cry myself to sleep when he leaves!! You must have been through a lot! You have very good advice!! I need all the help I can get! Thank you so much!

Do not give up on Plan A. You never realize how important it is until later. My H said the same words to me in June. I was completely shocked. He never left, but did spend time out of town for work. There was another woman friend - but that is all she turned out to be. I am completely certain it ended in my favor because I was adament about sticking to Plan A - despite my pent up anger and constant pain. <P>Plan A is a way of showing your spouse your best. This is extremely important when they are in this "fog". Also, you may be suspicious of what your H is doing when he isn't with you. Plan A makes sure you don't show all your doubt and anger - this anger will make him hate you. <P>I did best when I focused on how different we really are and tried to think of all the ways I would benefit from being on my own. I didn't tell him everything I was thinking, but my attitude shifted and he noticed. It helped with my confidence - and in the end, that attitude (thanks to snl for the advice) brought my H running back to me. Now we are both happier together than ever. We don't have 3 children though, so this may be tougher for you.<P>So, he doesn't know how he feels... he's in the fog. Give him time to figure it out. Be supportive, tell him you miss him (my h wanted to feel needed) but give him some space for now. Trust that he is a decent person and show him love - he may need that more than you know right now. <P>Did he tell you why he doesn't know if he wants to be married. If it is a mid-life crisis, does he feel like he is being held back from accomplishing his dreams? You should try to figure this out with him - if he wants to talk about it. Otherwise, at least try to understand his EN on you own to see if any haven't been being met.<P>I can't gaurentee that Plan A will work, but the opposite of Plan A will certainly cause more grief.<BR>Good Luck<P>