there is nothing like a couple of GRITS to tell it to you straight

faith, you can't change your x or your kids you can only change you & how you react to them


wishing you find peace

like peachy I like me more & more everyday;

I only posted to SNL cause the poster asked what I would like to say to him. And that is all. I did.

I feel there is nothing wrong with my church praying for him. I pray for sinners, loved ones, enemies, and anyone who needs prayers.

I am not trying to change xhusband. He is going to be who he is until he sees the light of God. As far as I am concerned, I am doing better. I don't take the demeaning words of him anymore, I hang up, and like yesterday, I told him when he started giving me advice about getting a tax person and financial issues, I said I have someone I can trust, and I don't trust you is what I said to him. He was trying to give me advice and this man is not one that I wish to hear any advice from at this time, he has deceited me for years. He even asked me for the future, do you want any financial decisions from him, I said NO!. I don't trust you, which I don't trust him. There is so much from the past that he did that was deceitful, in memory, about 15 years ago, when we were living in Colorado, I had life insurance that my parents bought my brother and I when we were born (twins). He had me call my mother and had her send the life insurance and he had me cash it in. It was not that large amount, but I did it, cause I thought he was being thoughtful. But I now know, that because it was such a small amount for funeral costs, that he should of left it alone. And the kids got bonds for when they were little, and he had me cash those in too before they matured.

As for LPN, I am not at this time able to do that. I have a 10# lifting restriction, because of my back, and neck. I am seeing another specialist. Like last night, something happened to my neck, never happened before, and I am calling my Dr. today to see if I can possibly come in. It scared me, but I feel relatively okay, just soreness, and the buldging right eye syndrome. So there is something possibly wrong with my cervical area. As for LPN, my next classes this winter are directed towards the health field. My advisor and I looked into the possibilites, and I am signed up for my next two classes. I am starting to take care of a elderly woman on Thursdays again, starting tomorrow. Just to drive her to her bank, grogercy store, errands, and to come into her home and talk. She is self-sufficient, just needs a driver and a listener. She likes me, and her daughter (lives out of state) came here 2 weeks ago, and invited me over to her mothers house for lunch and we talked, and they both want me back to take her mother around. So I start that tomorrow after school.

I vent about xhusband, to get it off my chest. Then I can move on. Sad that it has come to this, but like you said Peachy, it does get better. I am far better than I was 6 months ago. Just taking great amount of time, dealing with pain/suffering causes a regression too. Anyways, off to art class. That is something I am doing for myself. Instructor doesn't have me pay for any classes, just the materials I use. She has given me free classes through December. I appreciate this thoughtfulness. Bye for now. HOpe this has cleared any questions! Bye for now

CHANGE YOUR LOCKS AND KEEP THAT MONSTER AWAY FROM YOU!!!!!!

HE IS SICK,SICK,SICK,SICK,SICK,SICK,SICK,SICK,SICK!!!!

AND EVERYONE ON THESE BOARDS KNOWS IT AND KNOWS THAT HE CALLS HIMSELF "SUFDB" AND I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE THE NEW PEOPLE KNOW IT TOO!!!!!

<small>[ December 03, 2003, 10:37 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> like peachy I like me more & more everyday;
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me too.

AND CHANGE THE LOCKS, BUT TELL YOUR KIDS THAT IF THEY MAKE ANY COPIES AND GIVE THEM OUT - THEY WILL NO LONGER BE ALLOWED TO LIVE IN THE HOUSE!

FAITH, HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR LOCKS YET? IT IS A SIMPLE THING BUT IT IS A PHYSICAL BOUNDARY THAT COULD HELP YOU GO IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

EVEN IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE SETTING OTHER BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR EX HUSBAND, SUFDB, THE LOCKCHANGE IS A BOUNDARY YOU COULD EASILY DO.

Have an appointment to change the locks. ONce again tomorrow is Friday, and I will try again. It is the pushbutton locks, so I have the key and the directions. Just seems there is something that is lodged or something is not quite right. The lock has been sticking sort of, so maybe that is the cause. Will be done shortly. Have to work around my Dr. visits, and schooling. So I talked to the locksmith, and if I do get it done before he can come over, I will call and cancel the appt. See they are low on help right now, for various reasons, and there is a big job they are working on. He asked if it was an emergency job, I said not really, but sort of. And explained the situation. He asked if I would be patient and so we set up a time.

Xhusband did the right thing today. He came to the house, and didn't come in but stayed in the truck, and my son went out to him to get some money. We need food money, and he gave us money to buy food. The government again didn't reinstate my food stamps for this month. Seems like they don't reinstate them till the middle of the month. And I did spend quite a bit of my last months foodstamps on the holiday meal.

Hate living like this, but soon I will be doing okay. I called xhusband and said, I need some money for food, and he went into his discussion and I finally said, fine don't do anything, I said your kids won't have milk and bread, and I told him I am feeding 3 others that I am not suppose to feed, plus their using my laundry, bathrooms, electricity, etc. And I hung up and said, oh well, that is life. Surprising, he talked to my son, and gave him some money. I will tell him THANK-YOU here. Since I have little to say to him. And he reads my posts.

I did my job today with the older lady. And it was only an hour. So she did pay me $10. Next week will be longer. I need to sell stuff on e-bay. Am trying to get some stuff on there again, the last 2 items never sold. I am going to have my oldest daughter help me and visually set up a nice site for the items.

Going to put stuff in the local little paper, that has free advertising. Doing that Monday. Need to sell and get some money. Christmas, will be what I purchased at garage sales this year, and I decided to make an assortment of cookies for the kids. They still like christmas cookies, so thought that would be a nice surprise for them.

STuding for my class, and 4 of us are getting together after class on Thursday to study for 3 hours. Is nice, I am actually friends with kids that are as old as my oldest 3 kids. They talk to me and listen to what I have to say. And I accept their values, been an interesting semester. I feel very comfortable at the University. And am grateful for the opportunity to express myself, and know that I am a good person worth this effort.

See what happens tomorrow. Son and I have to go get our glasses. I need them desperately for reading. I get these tremedous headaches. And the Dr. told me that the glasses will help with all the studying I am doing. Son has been getting headaches, and he has one bad eye, and the other one is trying to compensate for the weaker eye, and he complains of headaches. So this will help him out too. God gave us opthamologists, and ohhhh so thankful for their guidance and knowledge! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Good night to all. God Bless! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ December 05, 2003, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong>
Sudfd did the right thing today. He came to the house, and didn't come in but stayed in the truck, and my son went out to him to get some money. We need food money, and he gave us money to buy food. The government again didn't reinstate my food stamps for this month. Seems like they don't reinstate them till the middle of the month. And I did spend quite a bit of my last months foodstamps on the holiday meal.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, finally an admission of who your XH is. Now that really wasn't so hard was it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong> Xhusband did the right thing today. He came to the house, and didn't come in but stayed in the truck, and my son went out to him to get some money. We need food money, and he gave us money to buy food. The government again didn't reinstate my food stamps for this month. Seems like they don't reinstate them till the middle of the month. And I did spend quite a bit of my last months foodstamps on the holiday meal.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ahhh...the edited version at 9:54 a.m.

Must this attention seeking game continue? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<strong>In the past 60 minutes, 6 people have visited Xhusband and I talked and ???? (did he listen)????
sufdb, Faith4me, and 4 guests. </strong>

Oh what the heck...one more clue. Get a clue. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Faith, let un know when you have changed those locks and we will yell and cheer! If you change them, I will send you $20.00!

Yes, xhusband is SNL! You all know that. The arena is full of 12 bulls, and SNL is in the middle, sweating the stares of those big massive black eyes and full blown horns, many of the bulls are scratching at the ground with their front hoofs, SNL is sweating looking around to find an exit, anxiety in his face <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , sweat pouring down his face <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , which way, which path <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , only xhusband can find help in this situation with the path of God. If he were to get on his knees now and ask for forgiveness, to his xwife and family, then there could be redemption in his soul, and his family could praise the Lord. Still praying for xhusband and family.

baba - no need to send me $20. I am doing what has been repeadedly stated by you all. Just don't know how to work this darn key. I still think something is wrong with the lock. If I am unable to do it myself, I have an appt. for next week. Time is ticking, my head is ticking, I know I can do this, the train that could is huffing and puffing and I am huffing and grouching to get this key to work. This little key fits in the back and then you turn it and reset the #'s. The stupid key won't go in, and seems I have to reread the directions again. Maybe there is a way to clear the passage first. Ohhhhh..... Yuck, such is life. This was one of the things that SNL did when he lived here. But now I get to learn all this stuff. I really don't know who SUDFD is for sure. My error on typing. But anyways the lock Its a great lock for the door. That way no one has to carry a key, you just punch in the #'s. WEll, off to study for my class.

<small>[ December 05, 2003, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong> The stupid key won't go in, and seems I have to reread the directions again. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If the KEY doesn't work, and the lock doesn't work, WOULDN'T THAT BE A REASON TO HAVE TO CHANGE IT ANYWAY?!?!?! for your own safety and security? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ba109:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong>
Sudfd did the right thing today. He came to the house, and didn't come in but stayed in the truck, and my son went out to him to get some money. We need food money, and he gave us money to buy food. The government again didn't reinstate my food stamps for this month. Seems like they don't reinstate them till the middle of the month. And I did spend quite a bit of my last months foodstamps on the holiday meal.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, finally an admission of who your XH is. Now that really wasn't so hard was it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't mean to offend anyone here but man oh man, you can tell most of the board is BSs as they can only accept Sudfd (What does that stand for anyway?) to be SNL if they hear it from his wife or him. I just don't get why people have to have so 100% proof to know what is so black & white!

Anyway, also, Baba, do you think it is F4me's responsibility to admit that he's SNL. I don't. I think the more she says, "Don't ask me, ask him as he is no longer my problem." The better, and that includes SNL's names on here. It's not about protecting him, it's about staying totally out of his life now.

Just my own opinion here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anna

I agree with Anna, SNL is my xhusband. And if he characterizes himself as he wants to be, then just don't post to him. My life needs to not be centered on xhusband anymore. My life needs to be centered on my children here, and my life as a single mother, battered and moving on. Yes, I am still being coerced by him to do certain things. But one of the great things about the phone is to hang up. Like today he was telling me what I should and should not do, I did hang up on him, and now he is playing the woe is me role. Going through our kids, which I am not going to play the game. He told the oldest to tell me that if I want to talk to him, to talk through the kids, for he doesn't want anything to do with me until I cooperate with him. Did state to him today on the phone, that if he doesn't get his way, and people don't follow his words, he goes into his selfish childish acts. Which he is in right now.

I realize he is hurting, and he doesn't want me to continue on the path of radical honesty. But that is who I am, I have been honest most of my life. I am being honest to the best of my ability right now, and asking God to help me follow the path of honesty and with frankness. If he doesn't like the path, then he needs to look in the mirror and ask himself, what is he trying to accomplish with the deceit and lies he continues on. And what is he accomplishing with telling me to do. I am not sure of his ideals of life. But I know that I am working at being a stronger christian, and I am still praying for him and my children and my family.

When one is not honest to those that they speak to, it is a sign of a sociopath I would say. Trying to talk with a sociopath is like trying to talk to a chimpanzee. I don't understand his connotations. Words need to be expressed with thoughtfulness and the utmost honesty.

Well, tried again today, the key doesn't seem to work for me. NO I won't replace the lock as yet, its too expensive, and I do have an appt. with the locksmith. See the door was cutout for this special lock, and therefore the holes will not match. The locksmith already told me he won't charge me a service call, cause he already has an appts. a very short distance from me on that day, and will just charge to fix the lock. Very nice man, and understands my situation, and was very compassionate. That is why I am waiting. I don't have alimony and childsupport, so I need to be very careful with every penny I spend.

Been studying today, and did go get our glasses. Have to say the selection was very limited, and I just got reading glasses. Will when I get some money, have my bifocals updated, but for now got reading glasses, to ease the headaches I get from doing the homework. Son, picked out a pair of glasses, and once again, very limited. Will have to pay for part of the glasses, as medicaid is really slicing back on coverages. Like our teeth, no coverage, until you experience extreme pain. I have some pain now, and been holding out. More of the wayward spouse, can get his teeth looked at and cleaned, and I and the kids have to wait.

Well, SNL did not come into the house again, which is good. Maybe this is what he needed to get mad cause I won't COOPERATE with him, persay through the oldest daughter. Using the kids is not good for the kids. I told the daughter I will not do that, it is unhealthy and unthoughtful to her and to the rest of the kids. I will continue to call him and leave a message if I need to talk to him about events or such. I will not use my children, and for him to ask shows that he is being selfish and unthoughtful again. I don't understand why he would want to do this to the kids, but I am not following his path. All the counselors that I have gone to, said not to do certain things, and this was one of them. I have not followed them exactly, but I am progressing and making steps.

Tomorrow, is a busy day, and more studying. Have about 34 more pages to read and take notes. Then start studying the pictures, and the time periods of each of the pictures, and identifying the era. So much fun, I will be very joyous when this class is over.

Tomorrow is another day, to enlighten my children with a beautiful dinner and a time to see what is happening in their lives. Son and I talked today, and he has such a character in him. Love him, for who he is, like each of my children. Can't say I care for some of their actions, but hey, they will differ in their actions, as life sets in their bodies.

Off the boards for now, time to shower and get ready for tomorrow. Thanks all of you. Yes, I am still being treated unthoughtfully. Yes, I do back down still. But I am getting stronger, and not totally the little woman that my x used to rule around totally. I get scared, for real reasons, like today, I knew he would go into his temper tantrum, and he did. Just smiled on the phone, and hung up. Can't do anything else, cause he doesn't listen anyway. Hopefully, I would like to beable to not be scared of him. The Lord will work with him, he is still in my prayers and at church too. Bye. Thanks.

Yesterday, I had a very long talk with an old friend of mine. And I cried, and it felt to get some of this hurt off of me.

The service today at church was excellent. Did talk to my kids about going to church with me for christmas service. I said, we are not a unit anymore, and what your dad does is his business. But I said, I would love if all of you would attend christmas church with me. I expressed the love for my church, and the pastor is excellent. They have to realize things will not be the same like they have been for the last 25 years. This will be our last christmas together. We just finished our last thanksgiving together. No more after this year. He is on his own and so am I.

Just been down today starting late this afternoon. Have bills to pay and no way to pay them again. I am so indebt to my mother. And now I have no food stamps either. Just so sick of the government help. And no dental. I need to see a dentist, but medicaid has canceled dental. Can't afford to see the dentist, and that is really sad. The pain in the tooth is getting a little more intense. NOt a decay, but something wrong with the nerve. I have had no cavities in probably 15-20 years. I take good care of my teeth, and floss, and brush very well. Probably a root canal or something of that factor. But like the medicaid said, not until you are in severe pain.

X-husband can get his teeth fixed with making great amounts of money. And doesn't feel anything about his x-wife with pain. But hey, that is the wayward spouse mentality.

Tomorrow is a big day, finally seeing about my neck and back and shoulder. I know something is wrong, and if I have to, I will sue my x. Already been a subject, that I hate to do, but he didn't pay the Dr. bill like he said he would and was stated in the divorce papers, so that will probably come up too. I don't know why he is this way but all I know is that I will not have bad credit because of his senseless compassion.

He has already screwed up my oldest daughters credit, and now the second daughters credit is getting screwed, the one son is smart, and dad is not going to touch his stuff.

Yes, my x is a wayward spouse, and selfish. But I once again, put an update at the church for prayer for him and my family.

Time for bed, seems not enough time in a day, and I am exhausted, but not sleeping well, cause I have so much pain, and not able to sleep on the one side, it hurts so much. Been waking up and having to take Aspirin, to releave some of the pain. It is a constant throb, and it has been getting worse.

Faith,

Did you mean your ex when you said that this would be your last Christmas together? Ummm...not trying to sound harsh but this is your first Christmas on your own. Don't worry about what he does for Christmas! Let him fend for himself. I know holidays are hard. My first Christmas without my ex was horrible. He had left 2 days prior. I had my sons but I spent the entire holiday crying, not eating and not sleeping. But I made it without him and it was just me and the boys the following year too. It's hard but it can be done. Surround yourself with people who love you and can make you happy. Stay away from those who can't!

Happy holidays!
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You tell her, Mitzi!!!

Faith, this is not your last Christmas with your X! It is your first on your own. Won't necessarily be easy. It means you don't have to do things because he wants to. You can do whatever you and your children CHOOSE!!!!

He is your past.

You now should be living in the present.

Sounds like you need to finda a CODA group - Co-Dependents Anonymous.

You know what the first step is in a 12-step group??????
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...We admitted our lives were unmanageable.
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Almost everyone is codependent in some way.

Even you.

Just read your posts. You're still trying to change him. Leave him alone. Let God work on him. But remember that God can't do anything if your x won't surrender. It's a matter of choosing to give Him room.

You've been saying the same stuff for a long time. You keep coming here and rehashing more and more of the same stories. Every time there is a new group of members, you come seeking support on the same old issues.

I bet you will have made no changes in 6 months. I bet you'll still be making the same lamentations then.

I don't mean to be mean-spirited. I guess I'm seeing how my 12-step based class at church is making me less tolerant of people who won't help themselves. People who ask for support and advice and then don't make changes.