my wife divorced me on the 15th of sept. since then she has given me so many mixed signals. she said she didn't love me anymore. then she said she did but didn't want to live life putting up with my family. i have made huge deposits over the past month. it's like she is fighting her feelings for me. any advice would be appreciated.

thanks.

anybody out there with advice?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ves:
<strong> my wife divorced me on the 15th of sept. since then she has given me so many mixed signals. she said she didn't love me anymore. then she said she did but didn't want to live life putting up with my family. i have made huge deposits over the past month. it's like she is fighting her feelings for me. any advice would be appreciated.

thanks. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK ves,
I think she jumped the gun about getting a divorce. I think she does love you but is frustrated and angry. She seems like she wanted to force an issue, by taking it all the way to divorce. But now that she has it, she is beginning to realize that there are serious consequences in divorcing. She may be too proud or spoiled to admit it to you though.

You may feel tenative about this approach but I would just agree with her. If she says putting up with your family is too difficult, I would just acknowledge it and say "Yes, I agree with you. Putting up with my family has been difficult for you. I see that. I understand." Do this sincerely with a sympathetic tone and expression. Then be quiet and let her vent.

Maybe you will get the opportunity to say "I'm sorry, I know this has been difficult for you." Again sympathetically. I think she wanted you to change what couldn't be changed rather than change her point of view and come of with a solution for herself how to deal with your family. Right now she wants an arguement. Don't give her one, just lay down. It's hard to pick a fight with someone who is on your side.

It may be that since you want her, you may have tried to convince her that it wasn't so bad as to divorce, which caused her to further escalate her efforts to convince you, even to the point of divorce.

But maybe I am wrong and two clicks to the right of Pluto. Only you know for sure.

Good Luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Then be quiet and let her vent. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with Firebird. I have found that by not trying to get into W's head and being understanding, she has started to talk much more. How you listen is equally important.
Let her just talk and you may be surprised what comes out.

thank you. we recently spent the week together and i made huge deposits. this all came after she said we shouldn't see each other anymore. she told me that one day she wants to get back together and the next day she doesn't. she said she misses me when she gets lonely and that's when she wants to get back together. she said when she gets lonely she misses ME b/c i am the only long term relationship she has ever had. that's crap b/c she was engaged for two years to her ex boyfriend. she again told me that she didn't think she ever wanted to get back together. she also said says that i still make her hot???
she says that we don't know what it's like to be w/o each other. she says that she doesn't want to be w/ anyone right now. she's not ready. she still has sex with me on occassion and keeps changing her mind about why she divorced me. she also still gets really jealous??? it's like dr. jekyl and mrs. hyde. she said she feels like we are still dating b/c we talked pretty much everyday since the d (except for two five day spans where i left her alone and she went nuts). i think i'm going to leave her alone for a while. hopefully the holidays will get to her. hopefully our house which she lives in will get to her.

She sounds a little like my H. He wants to be with me sometimes, but then he also doesn't want to. He likes to spend time with me sometimes, and would like to still have SF, but he isn't willing to commit to me again. I think they both (your exW and my H) just don't know how to let go, but at the same time don't have it in them to commit to us in a healthy relationship. It may just be easier to not interact with her in order to keep her from pulling on your heart strings.

Jen

does anyone think that plan b would bring her back as confused as she is? or should i continue to be there for her until she is no longer confused? i was hoping the christmas holidays would bring her around. she says the more time we spend together, the more i pressure her. she only wants to see and talk to me a couple of days a week.

thanks

Well, plan B is usually intended to get your spouse to end an affair and come back to you. Is your ex having a relationship with someone else at this point (it didn't seem to be mentioned)? What would be the conditions your ex would have to meet to get you to come out of plan B? Perhaps think about that for now.

Jen

no there was and is no one else in either of our lives. that is why i am hesitant to try plan b. there is no one else she is seeing or interested in. and she keeps saying "right now" after everything. ie: i'm not ready for that right now.

i was hoping the christmas holidays would bring her around. she says the more time we spend together, the more i pressure her. she only wants to see and talk to me a couple of days a week.

why did she want to look at our old pictures together including some wedding. it really hurt me to see those pictures...it hurt her as well. she also showed me pictures of her ex fiancee before our pictures. why? why does she ask me if i want any of those pics and tell me that i can't have certain ones b/c they are her favorites.

after looking at our old pics she said five of her friends were pregnant. i could see the hurt in her eyes. i asked if this (the pregnant women) bothered her. she said it did b/c she did like the way her life had turned out. she was 31, had no kids, no husband, no house, she has no money, no insurance, hates her job, and can't afford her zoloft. she knows how i feel and that i am ready to start a family with her. i started my new job and have great benefits. i told her we could finally realize the dreams we had when we first got married. she lives in our house that we bought for her and fixed up for her. she said she doesn't know what she is doing. some days she wants to move away and others she doesn't. some days she wants to get back together and others she doesn't. some days she wants to sell the house and others she doesn't.

we looked at a hot tub for the house when we went to home depot earlier that day. she was talking about how she wished we could put one in. then she said if we can afford that then we might as well get another house....separately. what's that about? she was just talking about together now separately?????

i asked her if she thought about us still. she said every second! she says sometimes that we can't get the passion back and that she doesn't think we'll ever get back together. a few minutes later she tells me that it's not that we don't have the passion, it's that when we are together she has a bad feeling like we should not be together. she once told me that she could not tell me that we would or wouldn't get back together b/c if she said we would and then we didn't she would be a liar and vice versa. i am extremely emotionally and mentally confused but she is definitely worth the wait.

she also said that we were on different pages in our lives right now. she said i was getting back into church and reading scriptures and that she was not wanting to go to church nor read scriptures right now.

just a bump

i talked to her yesterday afternoon. she said she tried to call me back a couple of times but she could never get through (which is about right b/c my phone has been acting up). she talked to me in front of her mom for the first time since the divorce.

i told her i would call her maybe once a week and see how she was doing so that she could think and have her space. i also told her that i did not want to have sex unless we were married again b/c it made her feel bad. i told her that the ball was in her court. she was in control. she could call me whenever she wanted and kiss me or hold my hand. that i would not initiate anything like that, not that i don't want to. she was very appreciative.

i went by our house (where she is living) and found a note to me that basically said she still loved me but felt that we had too many obstacles to work things out. she said she was going to move away for a while so that she could have her space. she invited me over for dinner all the time so it wasn't just me not giving her space.

she called me back last night and asked me to repeat it. i did. i asked if her mom told her not to talk to me anymore (b/c her mom is very controlling and doesn't like me or our previous marriage). she said she felt so bad b/c i was giving and giving and she was taking and taking. she said i have been so sweet to her since the divorce (i've been making huge deposits) and sooooo patient with her and all she could tell me is that "i don't know".

this is confusing b/c it totally contradicts her letter. what does everyone think? how can i convince her that all we need is love and God in our lives and we can work through anything?

thanks everyone.