My husband and I have been working on rebuilding our marriage after his affair with GAMBLING and alcohol...no OW involved.<P>15 months after the whole family was devastated to learn of his financial misdealings, which led to treatment and after care, I made him leave the home because of his insincerity to turn away from destructive behaviors..I was sure he was involved in an EA with at least one woman.<P>We have been back together for two years (after 15 months of a horrible separation and near divorce...we stopped the action when he asked to come back) and have been rebuilding our relationship using the tools of MB. We are doing well.<P>However, two of our children - young adults - are not. In particular, our youngest daughter, 19 years old, is very much out of control. She barely made it through HS, is threatening to drop out of college, was diagnosed a year ago with depression and Oppositional Defiance and was in weekly therapy for over 9 months and was supposed to be on antidepressants. We put up with her running away for part of the summer while telling others that we kicked her out...completely untrue. She has become sexually promiscuous, and talks about taking up stripping to pay her expenses. (this is soooo totally unlike anything we are..college educated, good suburb, good jobs, old fashioned values), stays out all hours, has a PT job now but spent most of the summer out of work, doesn't pay her car insurance, and doesn't help around the house.<P>Once again she is saying we kicked her out...we think she says that so others will let her stay with them...even though there has been no such conversation.<P>Anyway, this situation is horrid and when I am not careful, I will say things to H about this being behavior similar to what she saw him doing when he was in the midst of his chaos - being totally disrespectful to our values and way of life...she was in 7-11 grade during the worst of it. Naturally, this causes problems for us.<P>Have others dealt with kid problems during their recovery? We are fearful of what she could do to herself if left completely to her own devices. One fear is the sexual behavior. But there are others too...drugs, alcohol, etc. She doesn't have the skills to survive without big problems. In fact, she tells us she was raped but will not tell us more nor deal with it in therapy.<P>She says she loves us but she refuses to show it. Instead, she calls me mean names, uses me when she wants something and runs wild the rest of the time.<P>This evokes such awful reminders of her dad's past behavior. He however, does not see it and doesn't think he needs to do anything to help get past it other than what we have already done...pay for therapy. He doesn't feel any responsibility. <P>Any help you can give would be appreciated. Remember, since she is 19 we can not commit her to a psychiatric facility...which I wish we could. We withdrew our financial help for therapy when it was clear she wasn't taking her medication or interested in doing anything but have an audience with counselor. Indeed, the counselor also said she should stop therapy since her heart wasn't in it.<P>Help....I worked too hard on saving our family and our marriage to have it all destroyed by this out of control daughter.<P>Thanks.<p>[ October 19, 2001: Message edited by: yes ]

I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. If I'm not the greatest of help here, at least I can listen and sympathize. I'll try to toss out some suggestions for you to either take or leave as you see fit.<P>We're a blended family--I have 2 girls ages 18 (in 2 weeks) and 12, and he has 1 boy, age 11. We live in a nice middle to upper income neighborhood. I'm a legal secretary and H manages a strip club. He sometimes hires under-21 dancers and they are not allowed to drink. I think as a result most of them opt for drug usage. I'm with you in that I don't think it's the best work atmosphere for such a young girl regardless of differing viewpoints on strip clubs in general.<P>I believe you have to start trying to reach your daughter from where you are as a family currently. She's an adult now, ready or not, and it's impossible for you to back up and restrict her at this point. All you can do is be available to talk with her...give her your opinions in a caring way. Better yet, be her "best friend" and get HER to think about her decisions by asking questions and really listening to her answers. Teens think they own the world and know it all. If you can get her to think and come to better conclusions herself, she's more likely to stick to them. <P>Now if/when she's living in your home, DO have house rules. She must treat you and all family members with respect and that's that. Explain to her that calling someone names isn't a good way to get what she wants, and she WON'T get her way. She must abide by curfews and if she's going to be late, she should call. Tell her you love her, no matter what, and you're always available to listen and try to help but you won't be manipulated and insulted - that's not fair to you.<P>Also, don't be swayed by any guilt trips she may put on you about your H's addictions and the near divorce. Be practical and caring about it, but don't fall for it. Tell her of course it was hard on everyone and you're sorry but you can't change what happened now. It's time for everyone to pick themselves up and move on. In other words, love ya bunches but get over it sweetie. If you refuse to crack you will be providing her a positive influence that ANYthing can be overcome. <P>This has got to be very difficult on you. Will probably be a lot of acting on your part that you FEEL strong even when you don't. But be strong for her. She needs you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Laura

Laura,<P>Thank you for taking the time to read my post and to respond. Everything you offered was right on...and I needed to have someone else validate that I have the right to expect respect and cooperation as long as she lives in the house. Also, thanks for validating that it isn't unreasonable to be compassionate about how she is reacting but<BR>that is time for her to make peace with it.<P>Thanks for your encouragement. I needed it!