I'm not sure why I still post here?
I guess it is because I feel so wronged by someone I loved and trusted.
And I need encouragement on how to go on.
I am divorced, I didn't want it, she did and she got it, I was prevented from trying to stop it, prevented from contacting her, prevented from talking to someone I was married to for 17 years and with having 2 kids with, from someone who I had spent my entire adulthood with, whom I had moved 2000 miles from my family to live near hers for the last 15 years, only to be abandoned and replaced like an burned out lightbulb.
She was having an affair with someone from her work, ( I did not know this at the time ), she was saying she wanted her space, which that evolved into how I had been an abuser all our marriage to how she never loved me.
How I was not a good parent ( even though I stayed at home and raised 2 beautiful daughters for 8 years ), how she stopped loving me about the same time that I had stopped cleaning house,
for most of our marriage, since 1994 anyway, our roles had been reversed, she made the money, I took care of the kids and the house.
I also worked part-time for 7 years, graveyard shift so our kids would be raised by a parent not by daycare.
I guess I am just bitter, bitter with her and bitter with me on how I allowed her to do this to me.
She has the kids most nights ( sole custody, I have a hard time saying that ), she got everything out of the house, I got one or two things of insignifacance, I don't even have a bed, this divorce was rammed throught the system.
I was caught on my heels, I did not want it.
I was forced to leave my house 11 months ago, never to return. A house that I had taken care of, built our secret garden, the kids playground, their dance room, the countless loads of laundry, and dishes, and cleaning, and taking care of all the yard work.
I was served a restraining order to get me gone...., only to figure out after the r/o hearing what was going on.
Her accusations that she had been abused, that she was afraid of me....yet she is the one who carries a gun....That I was crazy, that she was afraid what might happen.....
Then to find out the truth....She had been seeing a co-worker, for how long I don't know, but obviously a while, that she had made the decision to dump me and wanted to introduce him to my children, which she did 1 week after having r/o served on me ( Opinions on that please ), then to have him at my house almost everyday since, she also used the r/o to prevent me from going to my children's events so she could take him.
Nothing has been difficult for her, she still goes to work, her parents take kids to school, I pick them up, have them till she gets off work, then I take them to her parents. She can't even face me.
How should I feel and deal with this, of course now I find out she is taking my kids to his parents for Thanksgiving, how should I feel towards this guy, I mean he started dating a married woman, I understand he was still married at the time too. How he just stepped into my family, it just hurts too much.
I miss my family and the wife too.
The Holidays used to be so much fun, now I have to worry just about getting thru them.

Your sitch sounds sooooo much like mine - those were the darkest days of my life 5 1/2 years ago. Only I didn't have the RO on me, however, just about the rest of it is true in my case as well.
So here I am - now remarried to a wonderful Christian lady who is totally everything my former wife wasn't.
I would immediately buy the book 'Growing Thru Divorce' by Jim Smoke (at any CHristian Bookstore) and read it then read it again. Get into some serious counseling at your church. Talk to your family. If possible, move back to be near your family. Accept the fact that your inlaws are sorry folk who do not care enough about you to talk to you and seek the truth - to at least hear your side of what really happened. Your ex will probably continue to lie and do her best to brainwash your kids - I know my kids are still screwed up, but in time, that will change, they'll come looking for you.
Pray a lot! Find new friends.
Hope this helps.
May the Lord guide you through this bad time in your life.
Harold

Been there.....had that DONE to me......it gets better rufustfirefly....TRUST ME! The WW get whats coming to them once the smoke clears.....I promised not to bring up my EX anymore, so all I will say is that you are not the only one who was abandoned. It will take awhile to get over the bitterness, I know.....I was there. Take care, there is light at the end of the tunnel.


Im also remarried to a beautiful, caring woman who I adore with all my heart. She was meant for me and I could not be happier. As I have said, things will get better. God Bless YOU!

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 07:46 AM: Message edited by: StartinOver ]</small>

Rufus T

I have not been on MB for a while but a friend mentioned you and asked me to read your story.

It is so hard to know what to say or how to offer help sometimes. Most of the people you know probably dont have a real clue as to what you are going through. It hurts like nothing else on this earth - even physical pain would be easier to take. But I am truely sorry this has happend to you. My heart breaks for each person that goes through this and although I only know the surface information I know you are really stuck right now and really hurting.

You post here and should continue to because no one knows what your going through like someone who has been there. I know you are probably told to get over it, find someone else, work on yourself, they will get theirs, etc.

These things hardly seem helpfull and in the hurt you are experiencing it is hard to know how to do these things and the fact that you hurt so bad and feel so betrayed you just want things to happen NOW! to be fixed NOW and explained NOW and for those in the wrong to see what they have done NOW!

Truth is Rufus, you WERE wronged, betrayed, lied about, decieved, plotted against and a whole host of other things. Likely too, as with most of us me included you can also see things in your marriage that you could or should have done different to be a better husband and that there is remorse for that. Not that it makes what has happend right - because it doesnt. This doesnt make any of us feel any better, in fact in many cases it feels worse because often we are never given a real chance to fix things and try to work things out. Instead, the person we thought we knew and trusted uses our trust against us.

The biggest thing right now if I can be so bold as to give you some input from my own experience (feel free to read my story) - what are you going to do about it???
Have you talked to a lawyer regarding the kids and if there is anything you can do there?
What is your plan for working through the pain and hurt?

The hurt will go away but only with time and EFFORT. It doesnt just happen. You have a very long and hard and real soul searching battle on your hands inside your own head and heart taking place. Here are things that helped me.
Pray, confess your own faults and sins and ask God to help you - and I promise he will.
Read all you can, some good ones - BIBLE, Dobson, Rossberg, Smalley. try www.afclive.com
Do something to help others, it helps to take your mind off of yourself and your suffering and really does give you some joy when not much else does.
Be the best dang dad in the world despite what has been done to you!
See a Christian counselor and go on ADs if necessary.
You also need good Godly men at your side - The bible says to pity a man who falls and has no one to help him up. You need a close circle of friends (and family) that you can call and talk to and do things with who will support you. Women friends are probably not real wise just yet.
From experience, the rest of the world doesnt want to be burdoned with your hurt, especially your coworkers - save yourself some added pressure and only confide in your outside friends.
Get into a good church, fellowship, serve, and pray, pray, pray. But you do need to start to try to take the focus off of you or you will continue to be stuck where you are for much longer.

This is hard stuff. You will eventually get over it, move on, find someone else but it all takes time and a lot of hard work. It is easy for people to give you the statement but they dont know how to put it into action. Hopefully the above is a start for you. These are ways you can use to "work on yourself" too. I know you want it all to happen now, but God has his own time table and his is better than ours. Honestly, God tells us that in life there will be trouble, there will also be correction by Him, but look at it like a father. You dont correct your girls to be mean, you do it because you love them and you want the best for them and sometimes a midcourse correction is the only way to help them no matter how much it may hurt at the time.

God has a plan for you and will use you for his good if you will let him. What you are going through right now is preparing you to be useful to Him. Stay strong and persevere and trust in God.

If I can be of any help, please feel free to call on me.

John

John.............................

Thank you for your words, it is hard, unbelievably hard.
Wasn't there a movie with Carey Grant where came home or went to work and nobody knew who he was, but he knew who they were, he insisted he lived there or worked there, that somehow there was a conspirity to wipe out his existance..........
This is what I feel happened to me, from her.
2 weeks ago I signed over any interest in our house, just to keep the kids in it and from moving, only to find out that her boyfriend is living there too.
Have you heard of a spouse pretending or acting like you never existed.
She used this restraining order as some sort of barrier to her past, while I guess in her mind bringing in her new future.
I was basicall barred from my neighborhood, while she almost immediatly brought in the new guy, introduced him to my kids, her family, my neighbors.
I left my house 11 months ago, left with nothing, left with nowhere to go, no family to go to.
Friends tell me not to blame the new guy, but I feel I should have confronted him, after all he was helping destory my family.
My ex went from our marriage to him with missing a beat, so I use the anology of the burned out lightbulb. She just replaced me with another.
How easy it was for her, but yet so devastating for me it was, with the loss of my only family, my house, my job, my sense of who I was.
Today in fact I have some good news, I have talked to board that certifies the career I am in and have had an afidavit made saying that I was arrested for making a phone call, not for any violance, so maybe this will make me hireable again.
I guess that is good news, I know that if rehired I won't be able to spend the time with my kids that they deserve.
It is a 2 edge sword, I have a kindergardener that goes a half day, so I get her for 6 hours a day, knowing full well that next September she goes to school full time.
I don't know if I can give up that time with her.
So for now I go on for my kids, for I know if I stopped going on, my ex would have gotten exactly what she wanted.

Hi Rufus:

I am struck by the many similarities in our situations. My x-wife also left me and wanted the divorce. Even after 18 years and two children, there was no absolutely no debate about it. To her, it was black and white; over and out, take no prisoners. She just left.

The Serenity Prayer can help; realizing that there are just some things that we have no control over. It also helps me to remember that nothing happens to us about which we are not responsible. Admit it today if you have not already. You were just as much to blame for your divorce as she was. Sharing the blame helps me very much because it reminds me that I made choices for which I am now experiencing consequences. Forgive her today!!

I am also beginning to see that perhaps sub-consciously, I really wanted the divorce and that I unknowingly did all the things necessary to ensure I would get it. Maybe you did the same. Have you thought about it?

The responses you have already received are encouraging; from guys who went through what you did years ago. They show you that whereas life will never be the same, it still can be better.

My divorce became official 8 months ago. 19 months ago, upon my confession of having been unfaithful, she immediately ran to another man and has been with him ever since. For so long I tried and tried to convince her that we could have a new beginning if she could just give me a second chance. No chance at all!! She fell very hard for the other man. But as for me, I have worked really really hard on myself and my relationships with God, friends, and family. And I am 100% confident that, given a second chance, I could be the life long partner with whom she would be proud. So really, it is her loss that she is not willing to take a chance on me again.

My advice is just to keep working on yourself. Move upward spiritually (whatever that means to you personally) and if she does the same, perhaps someday you will meet again at a higher level. She needs to grow towards you. You cannot pull her toward her. You also have to search for whether you really want her back anyway. Be careful of the prize you covet because you just might get it.

Standing in Finland

Boy, there are so many of you in the same situation as myself. I too have been married for 17yrs. My husband betrayed me so many times. Last Nov. he said he wanted time and space. The night he moved out I guess he was with a 19 yr that he was having an emotional affair with for months. I had NO clue what was going on. All I know is that I could do NOTHING right anymore. We have two children (ages 16 & 11)and it has taken it's toll on them both. Our 16 yr new about the affair with the 19 yr because she heard it at school. Anyway, he did move back home in Jan only to leave again in April. This time for good. He was so mean to me, both physically and mentally. I just don't understand how a person can turn on the one they share the gift of life with. After 5 months he is now in a relationship with another woman who is married as well. Now there are two families going through this mess. I know that the reason they blame the the faithful partner is to justify their actions. How you must be hurting not seeing your children on a daily basis. I think it's just awful how someone can go days without seeing their children because that was their choice. How can they do it? Why wouldn't a person what to be there for their children everyday? What is so special about that other person that they will forget that promise they made to God and then to put their own wants and desires before their most precious gift from God...their family. I am sorry that you are the one suffering while they seem to have be going on in life as if you never meant anything to them. That is what really hurts. How you give it your all...your heart and soul and then they hurt you so deeply. Please hang in there...it does get better....I am in a better place then I was a year ago. I know that I still have along way because my heart is still with my husband but one of these days, I will find peace, happiness, and true love but I have to find myself first. I feel for you all. Please just keep your faith and pray. You will get over this. The best revenge is to be happy. That's what they don't want. I am here for you all. God Bless each of you. Hold your heads up high.

Rufus,

Glad to hear about the good news! I dont want to short your good news but I am not seeing the plan yet.

Believe me, I know it hurts and you are being cut out- we all have, but unless you have a plan and a direction to take action you will only be a victim - I can tell you stories along the same lines as yours and can sympathize with all of the hurt and am still dealing with it. But what are you doing to stop the boat from leaking?

Do you have an attorney?
How is the cash?
Progress on the job front is a positive but maybe an attorney could wipe out the charges against you.
Stop giving her everything. I know you hope that if you are nice enough or make her happy - or at least dont upset her anymore maybe you will have a chance to repair things. STOP. This is exactly what she wants because it gives her more opportunity and strength while weakening yours.
Can you reverse the signing over of the house?
Does she have an income? with a good attorney she may need to be paying you.
I can not stress this enough - get a good attorney. It will cost you but it will be worth it. Also, look in the phone book to find a fathers group. Here there was one called Fathers for Equal Rights. They can be a great resource!
Follow the other steps I outlined, friends, church, etc.
I am not saying dont grieve, because we all need it and it will stay with you for a while. But if you let it consume you and because of your hurt you let her take advantage of you, you will be in worse trouble.

I have won custody of my 4 kids, it is possible but you have to start to stand up for yourself and hire someone who can do that for you in court. Borrow from family, go into debt, see if someone will do it probono. But, you need legal help. Rightfully, half the equity in the house should have been yours, maybe still can be. She will not be happy if you fight this but, to be brutally honest, you dont have any chance at all by giving in to her.

What is your plan?

John