I'm not sure why I still post here?
I guess it is because I feel so wronged by someone I loved and trusted.
And I need encouragement on how to go on.
I am divorced, I didn't want it, she did and she got it, I was prevented from trying to stop it, prevented from contacting her, prevented from talking to someone I was married to for 17 years and with having 2 kids with, from someone who I had spent my entire adulthood with, whom I had moved 2000 miles from my family to live near hers for the last 15 years, only to be abandoned and replaced like an burned out lightbulb.
She was having an affair with someone from her work, ( I did not know this at the time ), she was saying she wanted her space, which that evolved into how I had been an abuser all our marriage to how she never loved me.
How I was not a good parent ( even though I stayed at home and raised 2 beautiful daughters for 8 years ), how she stopped loving me about the same time that I had stopped cleaning house,
for most of our marriage, since 1994 anyway, our roles had been reversed, she made the money, I took care of the kids and the house.
I also worked part-time for 7 years, graveyard shift so our kids would be raised by a parent not by daycare.
I guess I am just bitter, bitter with her and bitter with me on how I allowed her to do this to me.
She has the kids most nights ( sole custody, I have a hard time saying that ), she got everything out of the house, I got one or two things of insignifacance, I don't even have a bed, this divorce was rammed throught the system.
I was caught on my heels, I did not want it.
I was forced to leave my house 11 months ago, never to return. A house that I had taken care of, built our secret garden, the kids playground, their dance room, the countless loads of laundry, and dishes, and cleaning, and taking care of all the yard work.
I was served a restraining order to get me gone...., only to figure out after the r/o hearing what was going on.
Her accusations that she had been abused, that she was afraid of me....yet she is the one who carries a gun....That I was crazy, that she was afraid what might happen.....
Then to find out the truth....She had been seeing a co-worker, for how long I don't know, but obviously a while, that she had made the decision to dump me and wanted to introduce him to my children, which she did 1 week after having r/o served on me ( Opinions on that please ), then to have him at my house almost everyday since, she also used the r/o to prevent me from going to my children's events so she could take him.
Nothing has been difficult for her, she still goes to work, her parents take kids to school, I pick them up, have them till she gets off work, then I take them to her parents. She can't even face me.
How should I feel and deal with this, of course now I find out she is taking my kids to his parents for Thanksgiving, how should I feel towards this guy, I mean he started dating a married woman, I understand he was still married at the time too. How he just stepped into my family, it just hurts too much.
I miss my family and the wife too.
The Holidays used to be so much fun, now I have to worry just about getting thru them.

rufustfirefly

I am sorry you are hurting so much. You are not alone here. I am divorced and didn't want mine either. At least we did not have any children together. But my two from my first marriage were affected by this too.

It is wrong for your ex wife to get the kids involved with her lover this soon! That's stupid on her part. But what I don't understand, how come you can't split the day up with the kids on Thanksgiving so you both can spend time with them? How do your kids feel about that? If they want to spend time with their daddy and momma is preventing them, she will be the one responsible and she will have to deal with their hurt. It's definetly not fair to you. Maybe you can cook a small turkey dinner the next time you have them and tell them you wanted to share the same experience with them even if its not "on" Thanksgiving day. I would just surprise them. How old are they? Can you at least call them on that day? If you can maybe you can tell them you have a surprise for the the next time you are together.

I would not even let her know how upset you are, but I would let her know her nastiness serves no purpose and will only backfire on her if she continuously upsets the kids. My kids father abandoned them. She doesn't know how lucky she is to have a father that wants to remain active in their lives.

Anyway, try not to think about it. Just concentrate on your special dinner, and cook all your kids favorite dishes! And tell them to eat extra piece of pumpkin pie for me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Major hugs to you my friend.

I have the double whammy on thanksgiving as that's the day jethro proposed to me nine years ago in front of both of our families.

You've gotten some good advice. I can not imagine your pain but know much of it. It's gotta be different for a girl than a guy but still nevertheless similar.

I know what it feels like to be tossed aside for a younger, albeit stupider and uneducated model. But their relationship is built on quicksand. You get to healing faster when you find new friends. Get to a church. Get out. And focus on the kids. Focus on them. Focus on who and what is in your life now. My family is seven hours away with the closest being my sister four and a half hours away. I know it hurts at the holidays especially when you have to switch the kids. Their selfishness, the ws's is incredible. The lies they tell themselves and to others to justify their sin is more than I can deal with so I just laugh it off.

I am glad I'm not the one with the blood on their hands of ripping apart a family.

What to do? I second the idea of having a "thanksgiving mulligan" party and cooking a turkey or doing a ham instead and spend the entire day on thanskgiving focusing on preparing the incredible meal for your kids and that will keep you busy and thankful. Call your family and friends. Get out of the house. Go see a parade. God loves you and so do we!

We're rooting for you and know what comes around goes around. When you get the second wind, get some legal advice and possibly a legal aid as well. Get those kids back. Sometimes the dad is more involved than the momma and that's you my friend. I was the involved parent, but as we both know gender doesn't make one a better parent than the other.

Get some of Dr. phil's books. He's helped me recover faster. When I realize that I am responsible for my wallowing in the poop that my x dumped on me, I realized that I had to want to climb out of the poop and slowly start to reclaim my life once more. God loves you! You will make good friends here. That is a huge blessing. It is and was for me.

We don't want to wind up here. But we are here and let's talk turkey this thanksgiving and find some thankfulness and pump each other up if we find the holidays pulling us down and remembering what was...because the future is brighter now that we know the truth and can stand tall with our hearts clean.

Now to make matters worse, I just found out that this new guy is indeed living at the house, for how long? Maybe a couple of months.
When you respond it is good to have a dad who wants to stay in their lives, I have to laugh, or groan. I raised my daughters since birth, my wife worked and made more money at the time, so from 1994 to 2003 January I was busy raising the kids. I guess and I am sure of it, she holds it against me that I got to stay at home with them.
What I hold against myself is not going to court to fight for them, at the time I was not sure I could get custody. After all my attorney said it did not matter she was the one having the affair.
I should have had my day in court, to at least have the truth be told, now all I can do is reflect and ask what if? And why didn't I?
All I can think about is this man with my kids, in my spot.
I gave everything to my ex, the house, all the furnishings, I have received nearly nothing.
If this had gone to court, I at least would have been the recipient of alimony from her.
I had only worked full time the last 6 months of our marriage ( because the kids were now in school ). She was the bread winner, she made 2/1 somettimes 3/1 as much as me.
Now I am left without a job, and the career that I had training in will not hire me because I had violated my r/o, ( by calling her ), so I the one who raised the kids, has been cast out.
I know enough poor me.........
And no, I cannot move closer to my family, my family ( my kids ) is here, they are all I have.
The family that I spent the last 17 Christmas's and Thanksgivings with is no more.
Our divorce stipulates alternating Holidays, she has them Thanksgiving and she has them Christmas Day and after.
It seems she gets all the Holidays this first year and me not till next. I wonder if it was planned that way, her thinking that I couldn't make it till next year.
I just have a hard time dealing with the fact that my former spouse painted me as a monster so she could get an restraining order, get me out of the house so she could bring her lover over.
Did she lie to this man too.....?
When I took the kids to Disneyland, and she was too busy for work, I should have known something was up, especially when I came back and found NO pictures of me around, or finding them face down.
This new guy has it pretty nice, he now has a new home, a beautiful lady, the 2 greatest little girls in the world ( my daughters ) and a free ride to work.

Rufus

Now to make matters worse, I just found out that this new guy is indeed living at the house, for how long? Maybe a couple of months.
When you respond it is good to have a dad who wants to stay in their lives, I have to laugh, or groan. I raised my daughters since birth, my wife worked and made more money at the time, so from 1994 to 2003 January I was busy raising the kids. I guess and I am sure of it, she holds it against me that I got to stay at home with them.
What I hold against myself is not going to court to fight for them, at the time I was not sure I could get custody. After all my attorney said it did not matter she was the one having the affair.
I should have had my day in court, to at least have the truth be told, now all I can do is reflect and ask what if? And why didn't I?
All I can think about is this man with my kids, in my spot.
I gave everything to my ex, the house, all the furnishings, I have received nearly nothing.
If this had gone to court, I at least would have been the recipient of alimony from her.
I had only worked full time the last 6 months of our marriage ( because the kids were now in school ). She was the bread winner, she made 2/1 somettimes 3/1 as much as me.
Now I am left without a job, and the career that I had training in will not hire me because I had violated my r/o, ( by calling her ), so I the one who raised the kids, has been cast out.
I know enough poor me.........
And no, I cannot move closer to my family, my family ( my kids ) is here, they are all I have.
The family that I spent the last 17 Christmas's and Thanksgivings with is no more.
Our divorce stipulates alternating Holidays, she has them Thanksgiving and she has them Christmas Day and after.
It seems she gets all the Holidays this first year and me not till next. I wonder if it was planned that way, her thinking that I couldn't make it till next year.
I just have a hard time dealing with the fact that my former spouse painted me as a monster so she could get an restraining order, get me out of the house so she could bring her lover over.
Did she lie to this man too.....?
When I took the kids to Disneyland, and she was too busy for work, I should have known something was up, especially when I came back and found NO pictures of me around, or finding them face down.
This new guy has it pretty nice, he now has a new home, a beautiful lady, the 2 greatest little girls in the world ( my daughters ) and a free ride to work.

Rufus

rufustfirefly

my stbxw also placed a PPO, also known as the RO against me.
This was devestating! the only thing i have done was to raise my voice, and a roll of the eyes, in my frustration.

Our children actually paid more of an emotional price thru out!

Women have begun to use this PPO, RO tactic as a selfish manuevering ploy! As it can/will eventually help them to get what they want. Women have begun to manipulate the system, (sorry ladies) i'm not attacking any of you. There's an estimated percent of bogus RO's served,,, and its costing taxpayers a lot of money. All for that "feeling" of love, again.

Granted, there are cases restraining orders are required! from actual real abuse, and threatening men. I can personaly say, NOT SO IN THIS CASE!!! Its filled with lies!


Its selfish on her behalf! as in MHO, its also sick, when any person, male/female uses this for their advantage, especially when there are children involved.

With each and every PPO/RO served, it costs taxpayers! Some of these taxpayers, whose professions are in Family Law Practices, also honor such manipulation,, all for the great American dollar. Who pays! Our children.

Legal Aide refused to help, stating i'm now considered an criminal in the American justice system.
Anyhow, three months later, w/o representation, i won custody. I'm really not quite so proud though,,,
stbxw and myself are now in the fifth week with an MC, personally, i didn't follow "much" advice from anyone here at MB.

The best advice, does come from here at MB!

READ, READ, and read some more, and always ask questions, but maintain an open mind, A's can/do end.

You do have an option, to protest the RO, and even the custody. The custody, you probably won;t change though. The RO, if there has been no police incidenys, no records of past violence,,,, you have a great chance of having this terminated.

"IF" you want your marriage to recover, maybe there's no chamce of this happemning, but "if" you do, and "if" there's a chance,
IMO, its actually best to ride the storm. Protesting RO, can/will only add fuel,,

I STAND! for the healing of my marriage!
www.rejoiceministries.org
stephan

....Sorry about the double post, maybe too much double-clicking..............
Just Peachy.... thanks for your encouragement....
Maybe we could talk or exchange e-mails sometime..
We both could use encouargement and yes I do a lot of wallowing, I think out of disbelief and shock.
Right now I am not working.......
I was arrested in April, in front of my kids, the reason....my r/o allowed me to call my wife from work, well I wasn't at work and I had my kids......and I returned a call from her........and the rest is history........."your not calling from your work, your violating your restraining order, I am considering this harrassment"........of course then I hung up....... I still can't believe she called the police for that.
So I am at a quandry.......I get my 6 year old everyday after school at 11:15 until 5pm sometimes 6 pm, knowing that next year she will go full time and I will be picking her up at 2:40 along with her sister. So how do I give that time up? I already see the differnce in my 9 year old just having her 2 1/2 hours after school.
To me Restraining Orders are the most vicious thing that can be done, when they are not deserved of course, and then to use them as a protective divice to bring another man, she should be arrested for doing this.

Just cast me into the pool also, my ex also had me served with a order, with that in place I was unable to get a job in the field I wanted, gotta love the lil darlin's.......

DaRookie

P.S, it was thrown out of court on the hearing date........but in the meantime while it was in effect, it caused me problems.

There was btw...an RO issued against jethro my xh when he broke into my home in May. It was needed as he was even caught on tape by the police sqad car the came on the scene.

Not all RO's are frivolous. But in your cases, I believe they were indeed false ones.

And yes, WS will manipulate the system period.

Ask yourself why...why? They are manipulators of truth period. If they are shacking up with somebody else, then they are living examples of deceit in action. Why would their dealings with the legal system be any different than their dealings with those they promised to love and honor?

Focus on what you can do for the kids and focus on you. I think you have a good chance of a reversal. Contact legal aid and get something going. Your kids deserve you. And you my fellow, deserve alimony...

Get to work on that turkey ok?

My local police talked me out of getting a TRO. I wish they hadn't because it would have sped things up, and X wouldn't/couldn't have portrayed himself as a model father (which only exists in his mind). It probably would have allieviated the custody fight too.
I'm sorry it's wrong in your cases, but it is right in other cases.
The children still remember the police visits to the house, two years ago.

Rufus, I'm not an alcoholic. But there are many situations over which I am totally powerless. It would appear that you are powerless over your exwife and your life has become unmanageable, to put it in the 12 step venacular.

Try personalizing this quote from page 449 of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book and see if this gives you a measure of peace and comfort this holiday.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, i.e. ex-wife, divorce, marital breakdown, loss of children, restraining order, lack of money, etc. I could not stay sober; (i.e. feel peace, comfort, God's love and God's divine plan - this process isn't finished yet, is it?) unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This quote has given me unbelievable peace. I recommend it to anyone in a situation beyond their choosing.

I was looking thru some pictures of my kids, pictures of my family, from when they were babies I remember the births of both of my daughters, the putting them down for naps, the reading all the Dr Seuss books, planting flowers in our gardens, the disney movies, their first trip to Disneyland, the nights they were sick, the dr appointments, their first days of school, getting them where they are today.
And now they have a replacement, or at least now a live-in man/dad, in the home that we lived in, that had many memories.
I think it would be different if she had met this man after divorcing me or kicking me out, but I believe it was because of meeting him that I got the boot, and how easy it was for him to just move on into my spot and was welcomed by my wife's family so easily. From the first couple of weeks of her serving me an r/o. Could noboby see this scheme, was it scheme devised by the 2 of them, after all he was still married, or was she telling him lies also, I have proof, at least hearsay, that she was telling him we were already split up, which was untrue.
Now he is in the home that I signed over to her, so she wouldn't move the kids. Now he has it all, her, all our belongings over 18 years worth, our dogs, and my kids sleeping under the same roof. It was so easy for her.....out with the old and in with the new. I guess I shouldn't have given in so easliy, I have nearly nothing to show for 17 years of marriage. Except bitterness.
Hindsight, was there anything I could have done, what do I do now.
It just helps to hear what other people say.....
This has been my misery for 11 months now....
I go to a divorce recovery group at a church, and they preach how you should wait at least a year to enter a new relationship, and even longer to bring them around your kids....I feel so wronged for me and my kids how she could just blend from being married to me to so easily bringing the new relationship home to my kids.
Enough already

P.S.

My kids are going with their mom and her boyfriend out of state to see his parents for Thanksgiving, my kids tell me that mommy wants them to call his parents Grandma and Grandpa.
I told them they are not their Grandparents and that I thought it was wrong......She is something else isn't she......................

Sweetie - You have been very wronged and you didn't deserve this. But you have been the faithful one, the good husband, and father. You can take satisfaction in this. What they have is a relationship based on betrayal and lies. It probably will not last. In the meantime, work on yourself, even if you were only 1% of the problem. You have a future, things will get better. You are a good man and there is someone out there that will deserve you. But take your time and work through the grief. Hugs to you.

Been there.....had that DONE to me......it gets better rufustfirefly....TRUST ME! The WW get whats coming to them once the smoke clears.....I promised not to bring up my EX anymore, so all I will say is that you are not the only one who was abandoned. It will take awhile to get over the bitterness, I know.....I was there. Take care, there is light at the end of the tunnel.


Im also remarried to a beautiful, caring woman who I adore with all my heart. She was meant for me and I could not be happier. As I have said, things will get better. God Bless YOU!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well I made thru Thanksgiving, whew!
My first holiday alone, my ex wife and my kids went to OM parents for 4 days.
My ex called me, she said my daughters said I didn't have very many dishes, true.
So she offered to give me our old dishes, apparently she and OM are getting new ones.
While my daughter was on the phone to her talking about the dishes I said in the background how about a bed too, (I have been sleeping on a futon for 9 months), so now I get an offer from her to have our old King size bed, appearantly she is replacing that also with a new bed for her, or I mean for her and him.
Is this normal for someone to start replacing items that were garnered during a long marriage.
I guess I shouldn't be surpised, I mean I was replaced so easily after all.
My oldest daughters birthday is next week, I know that I can't provide the party her mom will be giving her, and the party my daughter keeps talking about is the one her mom is putting on.
And it just hurts tremendously that it will be the OM involved with that party in place of me.
See I guess it is so hard because I loved my wife still when I was kicked out and replaced.
The lies told about me, the picture painted of me, so she could look ok bringing a new man into her life, into my spot with the kids.

Sorry this is a old story I know, but the pain and sense of wrongness to the whole situation just won't go away.

Well I made thru Thanksgiving, whew!
My first holiday alone, my ex wife and my kids went to OM parents for 4 days.
My ex called me, she said my daughters said I didn't have very many dishes, true.
So she offered to give me our old dishes, apparently she and OM are getting new ones.
While my daughter was on the phone to her talking about the dishes I said in the background how about a bed too, (I have been sleeping on a futon for 9 months), so now I get an offer from her to have our old King size bed, appearantly she is replacing that also with a new bed for her, or I mean for her and him.
Is this normal for someone to start replacing items that were garnered during a long marriage.
I guess I shouldn't be surpised, I mean I was replaced so easily after all.
My oldest daughters birthday is next week, I know that I can't provide the party her mom will be giving her, and the party my daughter keeps talking about is the one her mom is putting on.
And it just hurts tremendously that it will be the OM involved with that party in place of me.
See I guess it is so hard because I loved my wife still when I was kicked out and replaced.
The lies told about me, the picture painted of me, so she could look ok bringing a new man into her life, into my spot with the kids.

Sorry this is a old story I know, but the pain and sense of wrongness to the whole situation just won't go away.

thanks for listening
Rusfus

Thought I would refresh this and get some more
welcomed imput.
One thing I might add, my ex-wife om, the man she left 17 years of marriage for has moved in, probably for a couple of months already.
She still uses her r/o on me as a buffer, or smokescreen to her past with me.
A month ago she went to see my daughters at church, and she was ok with being in the same room a few feet apart from me (this could have been a violation of my r/o, although I am the one involved with my kids at church), a week later at my daughters school assembly I told my daughter I would be there, well mommy went too, and I was told by her to stay as far away as possible from her, of course this time she was not alone, but her boyfriend was with her (at my daughters assembly, which yes it did bother me).
But my ex has me between a rock and hard place with this r/o, it says not to be with 150 yards of her, yet how does one go to your kids events if she is there too.
My daughters perform at a resthome this weekend, but it is not my weekend for me.
My wife says it is ok for me to go, she said she would even right a note (to who, she didn't say), to say I could attend, yet when I approached her about changing the r/o to say this, it angered her.
Mind your, I am the parent who for 7 years have taken my daughters to dance/practice, and paid for it, yet I have to live in fear about going.

Footnote ( r/o was gotten by ex in January as a way to get me out of our house and her new boyfriend in and around our kids and her family, apparently she had been telling him we were already split up and she used this r/o to cover her deceit )

RF

rufustfirefly,

Your story is horrible. I made a promise to myself that in no way would my daughter EVER become a pawn in this 'game'. She will come first no matter what.

One comment you made when describing your loss was that you lost a beautiful woman. I need to point out to you that as much as you may love her (or who you thought she was), she has shown herself to be anything but beautiful. The actions you describe are reprehensible.

Please hang in there. It's an awful place to be, but think of this: if you have the capacity to hurt as much as you do, then you have the same capacity to feel good and love. That is an enviable quality, and you deserve someone who will appreciate you for it.

You deserve better. Your kids will realize that too.