I have decided that I no longer want to reconcile with WS. He has not been in any true contact with me since Plan B letter was sent 6 months ago. I don't know if he is still seeing OW, but it is likely.

Where I live, a divorce is not possible for me until Jan 2005.

Should I tell him that I want a divorce now?? Or just leave it until the time has elapsed?

What is the best way to let him know? In writing/email/phone/in person?? Via lawyer?

I don't know of any good way for such news. I, myself would prefer that it be done to my face as hard as that may be. It shows me a level of honesty and respect.
However, on the legal side. Where I live there is also an extended waiting period of seperation but that period does not go into effect untill filing is completed.
If you are sure you want D, Confirm that you can wait out time period without filing. You may find that you have to wait twice.

I have decided that I no longer want to reconcile with WS.
Why not?

Where I live, a divorce is not possible for me until Jan 2005.

Should I tell him that I want a divorce now??
Why? It'll do no one any good.

I'd wait until at least June or so.

I have decided that I no longer want to reconcile with WS.
Why not?


1. I am better off without him

2. We have no children, no shared property, no mortgage commitments

3. He tried to control my appearance by
(a)telling me what to wear,
(b)refusing to leave the house with me if I didn't put on makeup
(c)trying to talk me into taking up bodybuilding (???)
(d)telling me I needed breast enlargement - and offering to pay for it (a natural size 36C!)

4. His use of pornography - $90.00 in website subscriptions in one month.

5. He did not financially support me when it was his duty to do so. During the final year I was studying full time, I couldn't qualify for a student allowance BECAUSE of being married to an earning spouse. I had to take on 20 hours of paid work a week so that I could pay my HALF of ALL the bills (rent, utilities, food). I also solely owned and maintained the car, which he drove to his office job, while I cycled/took public transport.

6. THEN to top it all off, that same year, he loaned money from me (a full time student, working half of a full time job) to buy a car that I was never allowed to drive. This was at a time when he also complained that I was never home (full time student, working part time) and so he HAD to go out to night clubs with other women.

7. He doesn't want a family.
After a year of marriage, HE decided we would not be having children. For 4 years, I tried to negotiate having a family with him.

8. He also believes that his career comes before mine (I am a professional with 2 degrees). He refused to move towns for my career.

9. He has placed another woman above me - preferring to remain with her rather than have any contact whatsoever with me.

10. I feel it is time for me to leave all of this behind.

Hope that answers your question, Chris.

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 09:37 PM: Message edited by: Enigma ]</small>

File immediately--he doesn't deserve the benefit of a doubt.

You ARE better off without him!

Enigma
After reading your last post, It sounds like it wouldn't matter how you let him know. I wouldn't be surprised if that is what he is waiting for and doesn't care how you let him know.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 10. I feel it is time for me to leave all of this behind. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like filing now is best for you to get a fresh start for yourself

my only question is "What have you been waiting for? what has taken you so long?"

my only question is "What have you been waiting for? what has taken you so long?

Answer:
1. Marriage Builders
2. Believing that we could salvage something from this relationship and have a better future
3. Not wanting to have to start all over again to build a new relationship (better the devil you know?)
4. Not realising the full extent of the neglect and inequality that existed in the marriage.


In all honesty, although it p!$$ed me off that I had to work so damn hard when I was in my final year of study, it never crossed my mind that he had a DUTY to support me under those circumstances, especially considering that it was BECAUSE of being married that I didn't qualify for a student allowance.

In the last few months I have spoken to people of all ages in committed relationships (marriages and defactos) and have realised that although I thought that he was a good husband until the affair, really he wasn't.

I now realise that I am worth so much more!

Here is the letter I am going to send him:


Dear WS,

I am writing to inform you that I intend to apply to have our marriage dissolved at the earliest possible date, that being the XXXXXX 2005.

I have expressed a desire to change and become a better partner in this relationship.

(Inaccurate sentence has been deleted here)

Your failure to contact me very clearly tells me that you have no wish to be in my life, and that you value your relationship with The OW over and above any relationship with me.

Having had the time to reflect on how things really were during our marriage, I now realise how much you tried to control me, and how little respect you actually had for me with regards to supporting me financially as is the duty of a husband.

With all things considered, a marriage dissolution is in my best interests.

Sincerely,

Claire

<small>[ November 30, 2003, 03:49 AM: Message edited by: Enigma ]</small>

AAAGHHH!!

I wish I could send it!! But I can't. I realise that my only reason for sending such a letter is to try to put it back in his face. Tell him that I don't want him and don't need him. It is just an effort to try to cause him some pain, but really wouldn't achieve much - he doesn't care. He might even get the sympathy of his friends ...

In practical terms, it does not make a scrap of difference to send it at this stage, since nothing can be filed until the 2 years of separation are up. Believe me, I have investigated all possibilities.

There is nothing to be gained by communicating with him at all.

You really have a hard way to go girl. Yes, your spouse has really used you, and it hurts. I would suggest that you do some counseling for yourself. These wayward spouses think they have it all, the cake, the icing, and the icecream.

Do you really want him back, or are you ready to tell him he has to get his act together first. I really don't know much else to tell you, your position is difficult, but still I feel you love him.

I haven't been around here in a while and I'm not up to date on your story, but from what I've read in this post, I'll give you my 2 cents.

First, it doesn't matter if he's with OW anymore or not, he hasn't contacted you whick speaks volumes. If you are sure this is what you want, then do it. See a lawyer, get the paperwork started and live your life. I see no reason to write him a letter or talk to him about it. Do what you feel you have to do. Did he talk to you before starting his A? No! You don't owe him any more consideration then he showed you. Filing now may not expedite things, but waiting may drag it out.

As someone who's still going through a 2yrs+ D, I can tell you that living in limbo sucks. The legal process isn't a swift one.

Good luck,
sad dad

Don't send the letter. (see below)

I have given you the freedom to explore an extramarital relationship with The Concubine
You allowed it and told him it was okay for him to do this? That was ever so nice of you.

asking that you did not contact me whilst you intended to engage in this relationship.

I thank you for respecting that boundary.

Your failure to contact me very clearly tells me that you have no wish to be in my life
You TOLD him not to contact you and you are even thanking him for not contacting you. He did exactly what you asked.
You gave him permission to be with "the concubine".
You asked him not to contact oyu.

And now you are going to divorce him over what you TOLD him to do?

It's a good letter for you to express some things you are feeling. But yes, it does simply look like a jab at him.

First of all, I agree with Chris...

You are harping on him for doing what you expressly TOLD him to do. In all actuality, it sounded as though you were using Plan B to manipulate him, thinking that if you went without speaking to him, he would in turn feel his 'old feelings' and then you would again have his attention. Plan B is to allow you to maintain your feelings for him whilst protecting yourself. Learning about your feelings for him, as he decides what he is going to do. I am not convinced that he has decided yet. He might be an idiot... certainly sounds like it, however he is only doing at this time what you told him to do. However ridiculous it is... I know he didn't come running back.

Now... for the real issue with this post. You have stated that neither of you can divorce until 2005. Therefore, setting your course in stone at this time with a letter stating your intent to divorce will just minimize your ability to maneuver in the future should that be the case and choice. What I mean to say is that to tell him at this time does NOTHING for you other than to potentially 'hurt' your future chances at reconciliation should he come out of the fog.

Since nothing can even HAPPEN for over a year, let NOTHING HAPPEN. You can never tell what tomorrow might bring. I am not saying that you have to continue trying to bring him back. But I am saying that should he begin coming out of the fog and change, you will not have set the course that causes him to stumble by thinking that you are already closed. So many people feel that there is nothing left, therefore there is no reason to try.

In some ways, I think that my ex might have found herself painted into a corner by her 'pride'. She had left twice, and had several affairs even after begging to return. When she left the last time, I blew and vented my frustration here on MB. I KNOW she read it, and I think that she felt that she could never come back, because she finally could see how I felt about the whole issue. It was a LB that is for sure, but you know what... I am not sure that it was a bad thing. For me, it showed me that she did not care enough about our family to swallow her pride. Perhaps this is the case, but perhaps she really is just the spoiled 39 year old with a 17 year old's maturity level. I don't know. But I know that she could never have turned back after having charted her course and seen how I reacted to it.

You gain nothing by sending a letter or telling him your plans. You can still set this course in some ways, but to bring it out, you will only limit your options... or at the minimum narrow your choices or create barriers that will in turn require being torn down rather than never having been. If come this time next year, you feel the same, then go for it. But at least you will be able to act upon your decision without the 'THREAT' he might feel. I doubt very much that it will do anything to 'bring him back'. But it surely could push him away.

<small>[ November 29, 2003, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Chris and Formerly Confused. Thank you for your input.

Plan B is to allow you to maintain your feelings for him whilst protecting yourself. Learning about your feelings for him, as he decides what he is going to do.

Plan B has been just great. It has worked well for me. I have been able to see our marriage objectively I have learned about my feelings. I have realised that I don't like him, and I don't want him back.

In all actuality, it sounded as though you were using Plan B to manipulate him
I never used Plan B to manipulate him. I went into Plan B because Plan A was getting too hard for me to manage.


I am not convinced that he has decided yet.
Whatever makes you say this?!! The man hasn't been in contact with me for 6 months. He has been "deciding" between his wife and his lover for nearly 18 months.


He might be an idiot... certainly sounds like it,
Yes, and that is why I don't want to be married to him anymore.


however he is only doing at this time what you told him to do.
You are harping on him for doing what you expressly TOLD him to do.
I regret having phrased the above letter so poorly. The criticism from you Formerly Confused and also from you Chris is not deserved. In my Plan B letter, I never TOLD him that I was giving him the freedom to explore a relationship with OW. I told him that I needed to draw a boundary and that I didn't want him to contact me because he was continuing his affair and that this was hurting me too much. I did not encourage him to continue it. I had repeatedly asked him (verbally) to stop seeing her, I told him how I felt about it. All that happened was he continued to lie to my face and refused to stop seeing her. Again, I have phrased things poorly in the above letter, and I DIDN'T tell him to keep seeing her. I hope you understand that now.


But I am saying that should he begin coming out of the fog and change,

1. My feelings for him are gone. I have nothing left to support him coming out of the fog - if he ever does decide to come back. I have had quite enough, and I can't be bothered with helping him get over the depression etc ... of having lost his "soulmate" and coming back to me as the consolation prize. No way.
2. From my earlier post, you can see that it would take an awful lot of changing on his part, of which I don't believe he is capable.


you will not have set the course that causes him to stumble by thinking that you are already closed.
That's the point: I am already closed.

I doubt very much that it will do anything to 'bring him back'.
I don't intend to bring him back.

Now... for the real issue with this post. You have stated that neither of you can divorce until 2005.
You are right here. The real issue is that I can't do anything about this until 2005 (we need to review the laws in our country!) I have decided what I want. I don't want this loser back. I just want this matter to be closed and not to have to ever deal with him again.

So, I won't send the letter. It would give me some measure of satisfaction to have closed the door on this episode, but sending a letter will not accelerate the 2 year waiting period. For now I will just have to be satisfied with keeping this decision to myself and getting on with my life as best I can. I would file tomorrow if I could, with no regrets and no "what ifs". I am well and truly past that.

Chris and Formerly Confused, I appreciate your input, and the way in which you are both challenging me here. You have both helped me to see that I really do not want to be married to this person a minute longer than I have to.

<small>[ November 30, 2003, 03:53 AM: Message edited by: Enigma ]</small>