I am new to marriagebuilders.com, but I have been trying to assimilate as much knowledge through the articles as humanly possible. As with the "Can a Marriage Be Saved By One Spouse, Letter #1," I was content in our relationship when she was not. That festered into her fear of complaining because I so discouraged it. Because she was unable to communicate with me, things got worse for her than I could ever have imagined. She now wants to leave me, and is completely opposed to making any effort to save our marriage. I am 100% committed to finding a way to fill her love bank, and have agreed to a non-legal seperation with the intent to divorce eventually, to end some of the conflict. I have printed a large quantity of the materials on this site in the hopes that I can convince her to look over at least a few short articles. I hope that this does not make her defensive or hostile towards me, but what choice do I have?

Welcome jith
Have you posted about your sitch on other boards?
Just curious. Has you W told you why she wants a divorce and why she doesn't want to consider repairing the marriage?

In rare cases there is no warning, but usually there is a history and some indicators that suggest trouble is brewing.

There were some indicators, but I put it in perspective due to a large amount of stress in our lives. Although we don't have any children, my wife and I made the decision to help her grandmother recover from a fall in which she had broken her hip and her arm on the same side, forcing her to live in a nursing home. W and I feel strongly about family being cared for by family, and not strangers. . . she took it upon herself to care for her grandmother, as a full time occupation. This is very taxing for her, as there are frequent trips to the hospital and constant fluxuations in her blood sugar present a delicate situation to an elderly brittle diabetic. So long story short, they were there, but I didn't want to see the signs or I couldn't see them. I can't bear to think that my lack of perception or outright ignorance of my w's feelings would cause our marriage to end.

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 05:00 AM: Message edited by: jay_is_trying_hard ]</small>

Jay, wow. What a great first post! You and a few others take ownership right up front for your part of the problems. I think that bodes well.

I for one would not give her the articles. You could tell her about this site. Let her know that in your opinion the only viable option is for you to fall in love and stay in love. You could leave the articles lying around.

Trust me. I tried for a year to get my husband to read His Needs/Her Needs and LoveBusters. But since he was happy, he didn’t see any reason to read about improving our marriage. When he read it, he just found fault with it.

I wish you the best of luck. Maybe go to the Just Found Out board, and post to Cerri, she does marriage coaching using Dr. Harley’s principles. She may be a great professional help to you. And maybe your wife would be interested in just learning more from her. No pressure though.

Best of luck to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jay_is_trying_hard:
<strong> There were some indicators, but I put it in perspective due to a large amount of stress in our lives......

..........I can't bear to think that my lack of perception or outright ignorance of my w's feelings would cause our marriage to end. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JITH,
I know your pain. Many of us have done the same. I will follow your posts. They should help me as well. Best of luck to you and your wife.

Well, this thing is still all so confusing for me. But here goes. . . I had been living with w until monday, where i was trying to reconcile and she was trying to divide our things for the divorce (probably dissallusionment or whatever, same thing.) My trying to talk to her and work things out upset her and she ended up leaving for her mothers, so I packed my bags that night and left for a friend's couch. Since then I have been with my family, and feel a little better. I slept for 8 hours last night for the first time since she told me she wanted a divorce. Talked to her last night and we discussed getting our finances seperated next friday, and that in that venture we would lay down groundrules prior to discussions of what we could and could not talk about. After that we are going to spend a month with nc so that I can regain some emotional equilibrium, and her as well. There is also a small part of me that hopes that she will miss me, and we can start to work on things. That being said, I am starting to look on this as not the end of the world, but as a way for me to grow and be a better person. .. whether or not she is going to be in my life. She is still adamant about DV, but I think I may have sparked some interest in a legal seperation. I don't really know the ins and outs of what a legal seperation entails, so any help there would be appreciated. Also, any other comments are welcomed. Hope everyone's turkey day was happy. . I know mine was, but wasn't.

A legal separation means that there is the intent to not divorce so remarriage is not allowed. It is usually used by people who have religious opposition to divorce.

In my case, the stay at home mother of four children ages 9 and under, a legal separation protects the children and me financially and gives my husband a defined visitation schedule. I am totally opposed to divorce, so legal separation is a tool to use in case separation becomes necessary.

You are at a very critical point right now. I would suggest you call Harley's radio show. He has had callers like you where the man didn't understand the extent of the problems associated with neglecting the wife until the wife decides to leave.

He's helped me. I think that the most important single concept I have learned from Harley is that the commitment in marriage is not a commitment of permanence or fidelity but rather one of care. If care goes, through neglect or affairs or abuse, then the commitment of permanence is likely to follow.

In my case, I stayed with a man who was physically abusive, even hiding a broken arm, and that only made an affair more likely. My commitment to marriage certainly was affected by the affair. In your case, the problem may be one of prolonged neglect. Your wife just plain gave up.