Is that a book or an article?

It's a book by Dr. Willard Harley, the person who started Marriage Builders.
Here is a link to their bookstore. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html
It is available in regular bookshops (Barnes & Noble & Borders) as well as amazon.com.
Alos, you should be very familiar with Marriage Builders principles.
Read the links below.
I recommend you consider giving Marriage BUilders counseling a go. Steve & Jennifer Harley (Dr Harleys children) are the counselors you will speak with.

Thanks,
I will pick up the book today. I have read the "His needs Her needs" book and many others. I have considered counciling with DR. Harley but I am not able to pay my bills now and not able to pay for the counciling. My salary is less than half what it was a year ago and with my wife gone financially I am really hurting. The job I have now will be gone as of May 3rd.

Chris,
I bought the book and am almost finished with it. I understand about the Plan B letter. I also read about meeting needs and do not believe that I meet any of my WW's needs. I believe she is still in contact with OM and has new friends and councilers that are encouraging her to D. I met with a Christian Counciler Wednesday who mentioned that If she doesn't want to try there is not much that I can do to change the situation. I don't call her and she doesn't call me. I can't think of any need that she looks to me for. We have no children together, The good job I had is gone and I can barely make ends meet, my contract will expire May 3rd, she has few possesions with me. She had an affair when she was with her first husband and divorced him. This is her third marriage.

I was very critical when we were together and that is the reason she sought someone else.

I want to be optimistic but I guess I am not. I received a phone message for My WW from her lawyer yesterday. The lawyer had a question about the D decree so it seems that she is moving ahead with the D.
After reading my story and the fact of the impending D. do you believe that there is still hope and I should write the letter? Whenever I see or talk to her she seems very happy to see me. I do want her back but I feel very hurt and hopeless by her actions.

After reading my story and the fact of the impending D. do you believe that there is still hope
Yes.

and I should write the letter?
and yes.

Why?

I'll do it but I don't see the point?

Why?
Because you want to remain married, true?

It is hurting you too much to remain in contact with him.

Don't do it "just because" somone tells you to. You need to understand why you are doing t and what you can expect.

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Please explain this to me as well.

What does Plan B, with letter do for a WW that has decided to divorce. Aren't they already saying they don't want contact?

*Takola* is telling me the same thing, and I just want to understand the "WHY?" about this.

Waiting to be convinced that this will even work,

Tony

What does Plan B, with letter do for a WW that has decided to divorce.
Deciding to divorce, actually filing an d actually following through are very, VERY different things.
A Plan B letter lets the ws KNOW in no uncertain terms what the bs wants.

Aren't they already saying they don't want contact?
But you are doing no contact because of the pain and anguish caused by the affair and you let them know this.
They want no contact because they are in an affair, not because you are hurting them.

Waiting to be convinced that this will even work
If by “will it work” you mean will it end the affair, maybe/maybe not. But that is not why you do Plan B.

Chris,

I appreciate your responses. She tells me I should have heard from her attorney already, so I think she is pretty serious about filing.

When I get home, I can send you what I sent her which was very close to a plan B letter. I still have minimal contact such as when we exchange our daughter.

Tony

My Plan B letter;

My Dear WW,

I apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped you make your affair with OM possible. I did not consider your most important emotional needs or accept you as I should have and now we are both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and build a future for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OM once and for all.

Until then I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will not be able to help you in any way. I ask that you respect my decision to seperate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OM and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently seperate from OM and seek counciling with me I will be willing to discuss our future together.
I want to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new relationship where everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to seperate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me and I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing OM.

With all my Love,
BS

Chris, Is my plan B letter OK?

Well, I mailed the Plan B letter today to WW. Now I am just waiting.

It looked good.

Now I am just waiting.
For what?
Meaning, don't "wait" for something to happen. If something happens, it will happen. Don;t sit around ans wait for it.

When she gets the letter one of two things will happen.
1) She will get ticked off, call you, come over, scream yell, etc.
2) She will do nothing.
Don't let either get to you while she is around. Simply tell her to read the letter.

Time to clean the garage and basement.

Cleaned the garage, don't have a basement. ha ha. Going to have a garage sell this weekend to get rid of a bunch of stuff. Staying busy.

Finished the book "Surviving an Affair". Wish I knew this stuff befor we split up. Glad I know it now. I am more optimistic about the future. But what about integrity, honesty, morals, vows, commitment? Does it all just boil down to what's in it for me? I know my parents had a rough time but they stayed together till death. Are we just that self centered now days?

Food for thought.

I have just realized that I have been self centered, a taker and not a giver.

I understand fully why my wife left me.

I was demanding, dependant, critical and unforgiving. It was all about me.

Like a big baby.

I feel regret for what I have done and will do better in the future.

My wife met my needs and I did not appreciate what she did for me but demanded more.

I hope some day she can fully forgive me. I don't want to cause her any more pain.

It has been two weeks since I mailed the plan B letter to WW.

I have heard nothing from WW since December 12th.

I have recieved nothing about a divorce either.

My garage looks great and I have gotten much done.

Now what?

Well, I just got home from choir practise and found a message on the answering machine from WW. She said she was at work and was just thinking about me and wanted to give me a call and get some information from me and see how I was doing. Then she gave me her cellular number.

I think she has some information about the divorce. I haven't heard from her since December 8th. I sent her a plan B letter a little over two weeks ago.

I got a little sick at my stomach when I heard her call thinking she is calling about the D instead of wanting to come back.

Any advise please?

I just recieved a letter from WW she writes;

I pray for you and I know the Lord has blessed you and will continue to bless you. You're a wonderful man and have so very much to offer. I feel it will be best for us to divorce. It is time for you to continue on with your life. You will not be able to do so until this is resolved. I'm sorry for the hurt I have caused you and do pray you will forgive me. I cannot love you in the way I should.

Will anyone please respond to this. What do I do? I have been in plan B for 4 weeks. Is this a fog she will recover from? Is it truly over?

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