I'm having a horrible day today. My soon to be ex and I had a conversation that was started by her being gone for the weekend with a new guy she likes from her church. I told her that it really bothers me that she still dates but she is not pushing her lawyer to finish the divorce paperwork. The conversation ended up opening a bunch of things about our marriage and how I failed her for the first seven years and how she has tried to love me but has absolutely no love for me (which she translated as sexual interest).

I replied one last time that I would go meet with her pastor or any Christian counselor and that a lack of "love" does not constitute a reason for a Christian divorce. She said she could not live with a man that she did not "love". To her credit, she has been consistent in this message for the past 4 years (since her first affair). I can't accuse her of changing her mind.

After our conversation, I just bawled like a baby. It was an hour long so I'm making it short here but she said things like "when we are older, I know we'll be best friends" and "there are a lot of traits in you that are wonderful and Godly and I hope to find them in another relationship, I just don't love you". I know in her heart she thinks I deserve better than she thinks can give.

With someone who has been so heartless towards me, why can't I get past her? She has had one long term affair and at least two longer term relationships in the past four years. She has told me repeatedly recently on her dating strategies (how she'll have to meet a lot of Christian guys to find the RIGHT one). She told me that it was wrong for her to marry me since she knew she didn't love me (despite the fact that we have produced three of the most wonderful kids I have ever known and kids that love God). Basically, I don't get anything from her other than some friendship. Most guys I know would have written her off a long time ago but somehow, I remain so deeply committed to her. What is wrong with me?

I am convinced the problem is mine right now. When I separate myself from my feelings for her and put some generic friend in the same situation, I can easily say "this woman is totally selfish and is in for some major disappointment and discipline from God". My advice to a friend in the same situation would be "get over it, she is nothing but a black hole for you". So why can't I follow my own advice? How do you let go of something that you know is bad for you and is keeping you in pain?

I pray day and night on this topic. I have my friends and family praying for me. I have considered dating just to get my heart to clear from her. I just don't know what to do. How do I accept what will be and not die every day thinking about her with other men? How do I stop caring that she is out chasing another relationship and not feel rejected personally every time since I clearly couldn't give her what she wanted?

I did tell her today that I really don't want to be in touch much moving forward (outside the necessities around the kids). I told her I was way too raw emotionally and could barely do a good job at work and meeting my role as a father (50% of the time). She seems to finally accept that this is inevitable even though she has pushed me in the past to be buddies. I am sure her change of heart has to do with her new boyfriend and wanting to be more available to him.

Anyone out there relate to what I'm saying? Any success in breaking free? I know spiritually that I am free to move on (she has one long term sexual relationship and another shorter term). I have no question about where God stands on this although I admit that it really bothers me that she is dating Christians and is looking for another Christian relationship. No matter how I feel about that, I know it is in God's hands and it is not my place to judge her in that area. I just want to be FREE. Help!

Thanks,
DWAD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I did tell her today that I really don't want to be in touch much moving forward </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you considered plan B.
Disconnecting yourself from her will be hard but it may give you the chance to grow

Hi,

I agree that Plan B is in order I think.Your WW is rapidly moving away from you in every sense and it is SO hard to be on the other end,I know.You can't change her ways right now so for your own sanity and wellbeing,stop contact with her except through a family member or friend regarding the kids.

I think our feelings of wanting to be with these WS's are because we have spent so much of our lives with them,loved them and when that is cut off,it hurts.We want to be back to what we were comfortable with.

I feel the same way a lot but I know that my WH and I will never be the same,I hope for better, but right now it is too painful to even talk to my WH on the phone because it reminds me of what I have lost,how "businesslike" he sounds on the phone and how things still are not all better.So I am in a pseudo Plan A.

For you though,Plan B can help you to focus on you,relieve some of the stress that each interaction with your WW causes and help you to be stronger and move ahead a little.

Remember,nothing is wrong with you and your feelings.This is a major crisis that we all here have been through so be kind to yourself.You,and we,are all doing our best to cope with such a huge trauma.Grieving for that lost innocence isn't fun or easy.And it takes time,so much time.

Do your best to push thoughts of other men and your WW out of your mind and keep busy,take care of yourself.There will be times when you just can't but keep trying.That's all we can do.For me,some days are getting easier.It is also easier when I am not in contact with my WH.When he calls or is around me,it's like someone pouring salt into a big open wound.It's just better sometimes to be on your own.

Here's to better days ahead.

October

dwad:

Have you considered counseling? I would recommend you speak 2 one of the Harleys (click on "counsel" at the top of this page), or with cerri (look for her posts on this forum, she has contact info in her sig line).

You are hurt by your STBXW's behavior because you still love her. There are reasons 2 believe that your M could be saved, even now, but it's going 2 take some serious focus on your part. It sounds like you've never really had the oppor2nity 2 do a good plan A, so you should consider learning more about that before you try plan B. If you go 2 plan B, you need 2 be ready for the possibility that you will be divorced, as one of the possible outcomes.

It also looks like, from your sig line, you've already filed, or she's filed, for a DV. Her reticence 2 finalizing the paperwork is not at all unusual for a fence-sitting, cake-eating WS. She's fogged in big-time. You can't force her awake, either. You can only do your best 2 be the kind of man she believes she's searching for. Passion and romantic love are rather fleeting, insubstantial things. Her feelings for her current boyfriend - another liar and cheat - will fade. One can only hope that she'll realize, at some point, that this lifestyle she's chosen will not get her what she thinks she wants - it'll just create more liars and cheaters out of otherwise potentially worthy Christian males.

For now, the focus you need 2 place should be on you, your emotional well-being, and your kids. If you are proceeding with a DV, I would urge you 2 seek sole custody of your kids. Your STBXW's lifestyle is a helluv an example for her 2 be showing them.

best,
-ol' 2long

Once you are divorced from this so-called "christian" woman you will feel closure and be able to begin moving on. What is holding you back is your feeling that you are still married. Your wife is dragging her feet on the divorce to keep you around as a safety net. My advice is to get your lawyer to file for a motion to bring this divorce to a final end. Stop interacting with her. Her actions have shouwn you that she is not your friend. Keep everything business-like. Get your lawyer to draw up a visitation plan so that you don't need to speak with her. The less you see her the more you will begin to detach until you have no more feelings for her. Focus on doing things to make yourself feel good. Some on this website may not agree with me but I would suggest going out and dating. The attention ot other women will help you regain your confifence and self esteem.

yosh:

I'd be one of those that wouldn't agree with you.

Based on what dwad's said, it's clear 2 me that he hasn't "let go" of his W sufficiently 2 be ready for a divorce. In an "ideal sitch", if there is such a thing, he should be able 2 DV amicably from her and still be able 2 be around her when they need 2 drop their kids off at the others' house. They're parents. They're not going 2 stop being parents if they go through with a DV.

Dating would be dangerous for dwad, emotionally, right now. What he needs is 2 get himself on a firmer footing. He needs 2 be an emotionally healthy individual before he can have an intimate relationship with somebody else. This will happen, but he hasn't done the "homework" sufficiently as yet. It would also be unfair 2 anyone he might be dating, should things become serious while he's still Md 2 his STBXW, particularly if they decide 2 reconcile at some point.

-2long

Hey all,

Plan B is basically where I'm at but I'm also going to file on her this month. She is clearly not going to be faithful to me and I can't live any longer knowing this is happening after all I've survived the last few years. I hope that closing the door on hope and on the marriage will let me finally move forward. Remaining open to her has just led to ongoing bleeding. I feel like I've been living through a four year tooth extraction that never ends and I have no pain killer other than my walk with God.

If there was even a glimmer of hope with her I would stay the course but she has repeatedly told me recently that you can't stay married if you are not "in love". Someone said I needed to do plan A. Well, I've more than Plan A'ed for years now. I have given her the very best of who I am and it always comes up short due to the "love" factor. She'll tell me all day long that I'm really good looking (she just isn't sexually interested in me at all), I'm a great father, I'm smart, I have Godly wisdom... Hello, isn't that what most women want in a marriage? No, I'm married to someone who would trade all of that in just to FEEL the giddiness of love again.

I'm starting to rant here. My point is that I have given what I can and she has rejected. I want to let go and move on and any ideas are welcome from the "crowd". Yes, I have considered dating and I'm not sure whether I'm emotionally ready yet. Everyone tells me that I'm a great catch and that I would get a lot of good vibes if I dated again. Once the D is final, I'm sure it is an option I'll consider.

Thanks for your time,
DWAD

dwad:

So you haven't filed yet, but you intend 2? Why not change your login name 2 "wantadivorce" or something more descriptive of where you are.

Look, I'm not lambasting you here. Your last post was clarifying. Your first post made it sound like you're stuck because you love your W 2 much 2 extract yourself from this si2ation.

Like I said before, your W hasn't been able 2 see the difference between "real love" and "romantic love" or "chemical love." She's addicted 2 infa2ation, not love. She'll never find what she thinks she wants, because it doesn't exist. What she's experiencing is the "high" of new love, only this isn't innocent love because of the deceit (which can be a high in itself).

If you really feel that you've done the best plan A that you can, then I would agree that going 2 plan B and/or filing for a DV is probably your best option right now. Just be aware that pretty much anything could STILL happen on her end, and be prepared - whichever way you want 2 go.

I admire you for recognizing the risks of dating now. I think you'll do fine.

-2long