Nights and nights, and days and mornings, I’m thinking of them. Cannot get rid of it.
How long I have been cheated on, does he love her (or in love with), what’s their plan for the future, etc.
I left him, not because his A itself, but other issues, moreover because permanent lies, not only about OW but about almost anything else…
He never admitted his A, and even now when D is so closed, he still denies, telling me that’s just my paranoia, that I ruined our family and he did nothing wrong.
Yes, I was snooping (found some things, but not enough), and his family knows about her, but (of course) they won’t tell me everything they know, also, I’m convinced that my H didn’t tell them either, at least not most of things…

Please!!! How can I get rid of this obsession??? Is it normal to have it? How long does it take not to think about his anymore and stop eating myself?
(I’m aware, at this point, no way I’d go back to him… and, also, I don’t know why I’m at all concerned about 'them'… I don’t understand myself… Yes, I could say I love him but I know that’s probably my ego/vanity hurting me… but this is to much thinking/suffering… Please, any thoughts how to let this go!?)

PS: Is this proper MB forum for this issue, or I should post it somewhere else too?
(I’ll post this on EN and D… hope nobody will mind for 'flood'…)

I DO NEED HELP!

Belonging to Nowhere - I don't know if it is normal or not to obsess but I just wanted to let you know that I do it also - I am divorced a year now and still the thoughts of the two of them together can really drive you nuts... Even though I don't want him back and I truly believe that the two lying, cheating people deserve each other - it still freaks me to know end that they are together - my husband has been seeing the lady next door for 2 1/2 years - yet he still denies it - I have proof after proof after proof but now they are just started to say that they are seeing each other nothing serious - whatever - the simple fact is that for 2 1/2 years maybe longer he has lied to me about absolutely everything from going to the store - to what time it was - everything for no other reason than - I think he became so caught up in his lies that he doesn't know fact from fiction... I don't know how to tell you to stop thinking about them but I will say over time that it will start to happen less and less and it will become easier to deal with... So hang in there - Recovery and moving on whether you want your ex or not is still a long period of time...

What you're feeling is normal. It'll pass with time. There's not very much you can do but I'll spare you some time and expense and frustration. If you go to a therapist they'll tell you that you are ruminating... that is, your mind is fixating on something and then cyclically you are building on feeding it step by step. It's a sign of depression and part of the stress that all this causes.

You have like 3 options:
1. Get on anti-anxiety or depression drugs.
2. Take up some kind of physical activity that consumes you entirely. I found that snowboarding and boxing did wonders for me. The goal is to work yourself out till you just want to sleep. It's also healthy and good for you.
3. Recognize this pattern of fixated thinking and FORCE yourself to stop.

Just so that you know, on #3, I could only force myself to stop for about 2 minutes for the 3 months after I learned of her affair. Now, I hardly think of it at all. When I do, I mostly feel dissappointed in what a waste she and her lover made of their lives. They both could have been so much more. It takes time, but gradually, the 3 minutes will stretch to 20 minutes will stretch to days then weeks then never.

Be patient with yourself.

maw64, I'm sorry... and I fully understand you...
(OW lives close to H's parents, moreover they are good friends... and I know her... and he was going very often over there (3 hours drive), and I thought it's nice of him to help his parents...)


Luxa, I don't have (other) depression symptoms... at least nobody sees them... Yes, exercise would help, but I have no idea where to find the time... being out of the house for work from 8am till 6 pm... than my little boy... trying to spend every free minute with him... but yes, I should find the time for it...

Force myself to no-thinking?
Trying... but in the night...

I'm still mad at him... not for A but about not helping me with truth...
hope it isn't just my excuse.....

Anyway, I was exploring the net to find out more about this, and found this:
http://phrontistery.50megs.com/mania.html

There are worse cases than me Thanks God. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


Thank you guys, seeing there are more of you really comforts me...

Belonging to Nowhere
I don't have an A to deal with that I know of but I still have the same type of thoughts knowing that someday there may be someone in my place.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Force myself to no-thinking?
Trying... but in the night... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No-Thinking is tough and nights are definately the hardest times.
I find that reading or writing while in bed at night helps keep my mind off things. Especialy reading something "Self Help" related to make me think of me.

Belonging to Nowhere - I am actually on Antidepressants I used to be on Zoloft - then I thought I was better nope - now I am on Wellbutrin - but first of all you have to face the fact that you will never know the truth - really you won't because even if for some reason he told you the truth there have been so many lies that you wouldn't even believe it... I think that the WS - uses so many lies to justify in his/her mind what they did - so they don't feel bad - My ex used to tell me all of the time that it was just a coincidence that the OW was gone all night when he didn't have my kids.. It was all just one coincidence after another and the crazy thing was that part of me always wanted to believe him so I would obsess all of the time - when like Lyxa said I was feeding my obsession - and I guess it just has to come down to - Listen in your heart you know they are together - no matter what they admit or don't admit - you know that you didn't do this wrong to him - And you have to know that you are not crazy....He is just trying to make himself look and feel better - So first try to put in out of your mind - the hardest thing you can do - but one don't beat yourself up if you start thinking about him and the affair - just try to talk yourself out of it and tell yourself - You are the only one being harmed by this obsession..

For me, it was not the obsessing but the triggers...I am doing better but shudder still whenever I see either a maxxim magazine at the grocery store or a harley davidson motorcycle. I want to vomit. But it's getting better.

And another thing I had was the no sleeping thing. Found myself waking up at about four am and lying there in bed just thinking of all the crap. The cyclic thinking I guess that lyxa wrote of. It was like it was replaying over and over.

I was temporarily on lexapro and it did wonders...did so good in fact that I didn't care about anything at all. Not anything except for son. Utter medicated bliss.

A huge meteor could be hurling towards earth and I felt like "oh well..it's a space rock." Not even worrying or anything while on the lexapro. Good stuff.

What helped me was getting the tapes of "Self Matters" by dr. phil. I love him. Especially the chapter on "we teach others how to treat us". I got mad after listening to it and began to really start working on me. I realized that it was Me allowing ME to worry and fixate on what my x did. And on what he's still doing.

Like Lyxa, it gets better over time. And I now have this gutteral response whenever I hear his voice or see him try to IM me (don't respond usually) or see him (rarely). I get nauseous. Not like hurling or anything. Just a dread. Lots of disgust and dread. It's like he's dead to me and the shell of a man that he used to be is there and I can't even look at him and don't want to the way he is living right now. I know...a woman of faith shouldn't feel that way, but it is probably some sort of defense mechanism that goes into full swing after you've lived through what I have...(mental cruelty and physical cruelty along with affairs). You want the person to just stay away and leave you alone. That's all you want.

I say get mad. Get really mad. You feel paralyzed when you're in the cycling thing...You can't get out of it. But when you get mad you get productive. I did. That's when I decided to get some semblance of a life. It's got a long way to go, but it's moving along. I definitely think that this year may be the last Christmas I am alone (relationship wise). Think 2004 will be a good year...will just learn to turn a blind eye to what my x does...and yea, he will probably marry the shack up preggo girl and attempt to make an honest woman of her and become a daddy once again, but this is going to be one short union for sure...both have so bad track records. And I see it, my son and I are the ones with the real chance for true and lasting happiness.

You can do it. Just refocus. I like the rubber band on the wrist thing. When you cycle, snap the band on your wrist. Force youself to immediatley think of something else. Negative reinforcement does work. Did for me. Although when I'd be all dressed up, it's not too attractive wearing a rubber band on your wrist. lmaorotf.

WishIWereHome,
Weird or not, I have no problem with him being with someone else someday in the future. I prepared myself for that (hope so!). I mean, I chose not to be with him anymore and, once, when my hurt is away, I DO want him to be happy (not right now, forgive me God!)&#8230; he&#8217;s father of my son and I have to appreciate at least that part of him, and it isn&#8217;t a little part <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (I wanted to be MOM sooo much!&#8230;)&#8230; hope H&#8217;ll be 'at least' a good father &#8230; one day&#8230; come to his senses that, at the end of our lives, all was really worth in our lives were our children... at least, that's my own sense of on this earth life itself...)
(Yes, and it was the hardest part SO FAR for me, I accepted that he needs a different type of a woman than I am&#8230; that I could be &#8220;perfect&#8221; for someone else but not for him&#8230; and vice versa&#8230;)
I just care about the time when he was with someone else and with me at the same time&#8230; Yes, it makes me think of myself as a fool and stupid&#8230; Also, I could cope with his A(s) if everything were fine&#8230; and regarding A what hurt me most is that all that time he was blaming ME&#8230; that I&#8217;m not trying&#8230; and at the same time he was trying by ^&^%* her&#8230; <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Maw64,
Yes, we are feeding our obsession&#8230; I know that I add more to their relationship than exists&#8230;
You are right so much &#8211; even if I learn many things about them, even if he tells me or it&#8217;s obvious, still I will not believe about &#8216;them&#8217; in the past&#8230; And I know I have to accept it, as many other things I accepted I&#8217;d never know&#8230;
We just have to distinguish, I guess, that their lies are not for us nor we deserve them, and that any other woman with them would be lied to too&#8230; Because, A is no way out of marital problems, especially for someone who keeps saying &#8216;I wanna be a family man&#8217;&#8230;
I'm looking at my H and I can see it - he won't stay with her... he'll finish alone... No, I am/was not perfect, but no woman (of my 'class' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) would be so patient and tollerant as I was... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
(In 10-20 years I should come here and tell you if I was right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> )

Justpeachy,
I like Dr. Phil too!
Unlike you, it doesn&#8217;t help me always not seeing him&#8230; I made some boundaries, and don&#8217;t call him unless it&#8217;s related to our son or sell of the house&#8230; but somehow I miss him&#8230; but when I see him I get frustrated again, so I don&#8217;t know what&#8217;s better for me&#8230;
Actually, I know, but it&#8217;s hard &#8211; TO LET IT GO! Past to the past&#8230; (ashes to ashes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )


Well, guys, I&#8217;ll tell you what I tried last night (couldn&#8217;t sleep again&#8230;)
All these weeks I was forcing myself not to think about them&#8230; And last night I was so mad at myself for not being able to that I did just opposite&#8230; imagining them laughing, dancing, making a passionate love&#8230;
God, that hurts!!! &#8211; BUT just till a point when you begin to accept that too!
Somehow I feel better&#8230; I think I&#8217;ll do the same again&#8230; use this as an &#8216;eye-opener&#8217;&#8230; that&#8217;s the truth I was looking for&#8230;


And there are worse truths than this one is&#8230; <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> imagining them laughing, dancing, making a passionate love… </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would prefer to imagine her throwing things at him as she kicks his but out the door for treating her as he did you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


Anyway, this "method" works for me... the last night I had nice sleep & dreams... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
(I admit I added a few 'scenes'... very similar to WishIWereHome's comments... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> , and - well, I was even laughing... they were dancing and he was burping (ETC! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Hope I went through the worst part.....


Regards! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BTN
It's good to hear things picking up for you. Keep it up!
Sounds to me like you are doing a good job at helping your recovery.

Thank you very much!
Hope you and everyone else on MB (and wider) will get back peace and harmony in their minds.


(I hope this is not just a temporary 'relief'... What I'm sure of is that nothing last forever, so is the pain... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )