Well, my wife and I are two months into recovery, and things have been going along... sometimes well, sometimes not. We have been going to a MC, but it was me doing all the talking. I went alone to the MC last week, and told her what I felt was going on. Either my WS was ashamed of what happened and wouldn't discuss it, or (and my money was on or...) or there was something here she wasn't telling us.
were out last night, alone at a restaurant after a movie, and I was telling her about my meeting with the MC, and I was finally able to get her to spill the beans.
She's afraid that she's gay. Some days she just wants to end it (the marriage) and move on. Some days, she desperately want's to hold our marriage together, our family together, but this one EA has made her re-examine her past relationships, and she's afraid that maybe she is. I just don't know what to do. I feel as if my whole life has been shattered. Could this be a mid-life crisis kind of thing? We have been under enormous strain from factors outside and within for years. I hope it is, because all I want in this world is for my wife and I to be one again. I feel like I just want to die (not suicidal, mind you)and never face what this truth could be.
How can we ever know? How can this ever be made right? How could we carry on if it's what she thinks it is?
And I thought the EA was hard...

Chances are that she is not gay. If she has always dated men, and is married to you, she is probably straight. However there may have been some emotional needs that were met, and she is confusing this with love. Find out what these needs are, and you try to meet them. Does she have other women in her life? I have 2 boys, work with all men. There is a craving that I have to be with women. The little time I spend with them is delicious and precious to me. I have joined a women's Bible study and it is wonderful. Maybe your wife is yearning for the great support that women give other women. Don't give up on this marriage or your wife.

Thank you believer, every reply I get like yours gives me hope. I need that, and I will NEVER give up on this marriage. I am searching for the unmet emotional needs (I will do anything), and am also trying to take into account recent events that are putting a huge strain on our lives. My wifes father is terminally ill, our second daughter is a special needs kid and is facing some dire medical issues, my wife is very unhappy at her job, etc. I believe as she was being pursued by a predatory gay friend, she was hearing nice things in a safe (secret) and uncomplicated place. She now is shaken by her seeming acceptance of the gay side of that, and wonders if it might be more. We are seeing a MC, but my wife is reluctant to says thing for fear of discovering a truth she doesn't want, or of hurting me. This is very tough, but I love her so much, there is nothing I would not do to make it work. If only I could find a way to close off that thoughts that are constantly beating away on me... Thanks again for another ray of hope!

Milo;
I agree with Believer. Don't give up! I am not familiar with your sitch, but from what I read, it's possible she wants female support just as believer said. Someone who is female and maybe gay may have pursuaded you W that men are the cause of her problems in life and they don't understand her like a woman could. And possibly she has had problems with men in relationships in her past.

Be gentle and put no pressure on her. She seems bruised and confused. Show her the best person, the most comforting person in her life is you. Try not to get frustrated or desperated because it will put pressure on her and make what she has to work out too great. She may run away from the problem if she feels fixing it is too much to handle.

Good Luck and my prayers are with you and you wife.

Milo, I am a woman whose partner is also female. My partner became involved with a man and did pretty much the opposite of what your wife did.

Do not be afraid of your wife being gay.

Don't react strongly, don't react mildly. It's pretty straightforward, really... "Huh. That's really interesting. Will you expand on that for me?"

Because in the end, being gay or straight has almost no bearing on your marriage. Your marriage is about two PEOPLE who are together, who've vowed to be together for the rest of your lives.

People are attracted to each other for all kinds of reasons and in all kinds of ways. I happen to enjoy sex with both men and women. So what? I made a lifetime commitment to a woman. Your wife might well enjoy sex with a woman. So what? She made a lifetime commitment to a man.

Having said that, there are certainly things you can both do to explore this newfound part of her. Read together. Yes, the sexy stuff. Talk to each other. Yes, the sexy stuff. Find out if there are things that the OW did for your wife that you can do as well or better. Find out if there are fantasies you can fulfill for each other. Find out if there are erotic words you can write for each other. Find out if there are touches and sounds and sights that you enjoy more than the things you knew before.

Intimacy for women is not just an in-bed thing. It's about intimate conversation and doing the dishes together intimately (and no, I don't mean sexually, although there are great things to be done with the ice cream scoop...) and driving to the store together intimately and just wrapping her in a cocoon of intimacy and love and compassion and joy.

So I would say that her fear is nothing in comparison to that love and compassion and joy. Deep breaths and calm ones, and hugs and laughter. Those are your keys to this, and never even entertaining the thought that her thoughts and feelings should frighten you.