I'm really new to this, and I'm not sure I even feel comfortable doing it, but not sure where else to turn. Last night, my wife told me she thinks we need "space" and that she loves me but isn't "in love" with me. I think I understand the difference... This really came from out of nowhere, I didn't see it coming and it really hurt my feelings. We are both military, and have recently spent some time apart because of that. It enabled both her and I to reaffirm that we can do all that needs to be done with the children and daily bump-and-grind without the other. Here's my problem... I love her and do not want to spend time apart. I want to fix what is wrong and make her "in-love" with me again. She told me she was mentally drained and didn't think she could work on anything like that right now, but I think all she needs is a push in the right direction. I bought her some flowers today and wrote her a 4 page note (by hand) to let her know what I love about her and what I loved about her when we first met. I also told her I wasn't giving up on us even if she was. I know I can't make her "in love" with me, but I'm sure as hell going to try. If I didn't think there was hope, believe me, I would just give in. I can tell that she has a lot of things spinning in her head and I don't want to do anything rash. I plan to enlist in some marriage councelling from the base Chaplain for a start. Any other advise is very welcome and very appreciated... Thanks <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Welcome to MB and bless you for defending our country.

Joe, when my H gave me the "love you but not in love with you" line, he was having an emotional affair. My guess is that she's met someone during the time you were apart, has made an emotional connection with that person, and is fogged in.

Go to Plan A, read everything there. Do a search for Signs that your spouse is having an affair, here on MB. If you want to know the hard truth, you'll have to do subtle, careful investigating (snooping) You don't tell your wife that you are doing any of this.

I wouldn't push for marriage counseling right now. Again I'm guessing, but when they first tell you that "love you but not in love" they are not open to counseling and rebuilding.

Get Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" and read it. Buddy up with some of the guys here, they will help you. The Wolf, Da Rookie, TMCM, are just a few.

Do not beg, plead, cry, try to educate her, cross-examine her, just be nice, thoughtful, but without losing your self-respect.

Sorry guy. You're beginning a long rocky road. Follow the roadmaps (Plan A, Plan B, etc.) and like I said, make some friends here.

Joe,

I am so sorry that she said that to you. Sorry for the pain as well. I am going to be blunt with you though because I for one think you deserve to find the truth. You have about a 90% chance or more that your wife is cheating.

I have been on these boards for over 2 years now. I've read your thread about a million times. Same thing, but the names are changed. Usually the person posting will say, "She/He isn't having an affair they just fell out of love." Then a few weeks/months later they come back on and say, "He/She was cheating or had someone in mind to cheat with all along."

Once you find this information out and get over the shock I hope you will not give up on your marriage and read on MB, fill out the questionaires, see if your wife will tell you her emotional needs and go get counseling.

Good luck & sorry to break it to you so bluntly.

Anna

Joe,

I echo Bellevue's opening sentiment: Americans have military people like you to thank for our taken-for-granted freedom to walk freely, talk freely, and worship freely. Please accept my personal gratitude for your service to our country.

My circumstances are different than yours, but I am also a husband desperately desiring to save my marriage. Though I've never posted to this forum before, I've been hanging around this web site for over a year, reading and re-reading, plus reading books by various authors about the marriage relationship. I encourage you to do the same. Devour this site. Become familiar with the recurring concepts and what are called "policies" here.

While all of the books I've read have had some valuable perspective, in my mind, Dr. Harley understands and articulates better than any other author the dynamics of a successful and "in love" marriage. I've read all of his books now. If you can't afford to buy, check the library, but somehow get them in your hands. Under your circumstances, you might want to start with "Fall in Love, Stay in Love," but "His Needs, Her Needs" should be near the top of the list also.

Even if you find out that what Bellevue and Anna are suggesting might be happening--that your wife is involved with (or thinking about being involved with) someone else--is true, that doesn't mean your marriage is over. I hope for your sake it isn't true, and that you don't have to experience the intense pain from that.
But take encouragement from the experiences of others who have "been there," and have emerged from the experience, using it as a stepping stone instead of a stumbling block.

Initially, I would encourage you to resist the idea of a separation. Too often a separation is counter-productive (it has been in my case). However, the previous advice about Plan A and Plan B is solid...use those concepts if necessary.

Don't give up. Your marriage can recover and be better than it ever was before.

Thank you all so much for your responses. As far as the possibility of my wife cheating on me... Up until the last 2 trips she had to take out of country with her Squadron, I would have thought you were all crazy. BUT, it seems that all of this started after those trips though... She says she goes to work and gets to be happy, be herself... then she comes home and she's miserable, claiming I held her back somehow after 5 years of marriage. In my opinion, she is saying things off the top, call me ignorant, but I really think she is confused right now and she is fighting in her head to decide what road she wants to take. Naturally, when all of this came out last night, I asked her if she had cheated on me, and of course she said no. I am already divorced once and have a daughter (8) in that relationship, and we have 2 sons now (4 and 2)in this marriage. I can't imagine a day of not waking up with my boys in my house. There is too much at stake for me not to try to reconcile with her. I know this sounds arrogant, but I try very hard to keep everyone happy and I'm not a bad husband... I plan to read these boards till I'm blue in the face, but I just don't want her to know that I am, I guess. I printed out some of the documentaion here and was hoping to maybe discuss some of it with her this evening. Thank you for your continued support, I really do appreciate it.

Joe,

That's awesome that you have such a great attitude about saving your marriage, and nothing you said sounds arrogant at all.

The advice I'd give you is to do more research than posting at first. Go into Emotional Needs and read the links to the very first post on there. Here's a link to that post.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=017544

It's a thread that the moderators are keeping at the top for everyone and it's the easiest way to navigate through MB.

Then, also, not that we don't love you on D/D but I'd get help on one of the other boards such as Emotional Needs. There are more people there and it's more geared toward finding ways to meet your spouses emotional needs.

Like I said before, if you can talk her into counseling that would be great as well. The biggest problem you are going to face is that she is what people call on here "in the fog". Wayward Spouses (WS) almost always rewrite history. They think they don't love you, have never loved you and they convince themselves that life has been miserable forever with you. It's like an alien entered their body and getting that alien out is a long, long road.

One more thing and I'd do this now and not wait, I'd invite her on these boards and let her know what you are doing. My favorite "Harley belief" is that a spouse should open every door of their life to their spouse and not close any.

Good luck to ya!

Anna

The recommendation to check out the EN board is excellent.

If you appear to clingy and too desperate, that will be a big turn-off for your wife. What you want is a long-term fix not the patch that too much romance would offer.

Thanks, by the way, for your service to our country.

Joe34
I don't want to give you advice because I was right where you are and you don't want to get to here I am. I can, however, reenforce what others are saying.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Initially, I would encourage you to resist the idea of a separation. Too often a separation is counter-productive </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They think they don't love you, have never loved you and they convince themselves that life has been miserable forever with you. It's like an alien entered their body and getting that alien out is a long, long road.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If you appear to clingy and too desperate, that will be a big turn-off for your wife </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W told me the same in love thing as yours. Her space has turned into 3 months of seperation leading to D. I did a little of the snooping but have found no sign of A but every one of these things that other posters are saying are 100% on the money.
I wish you all the best and listen to what others are telling you. You're not the first or only to go through this ordeal.

Joe34, I have read your post and I can relate so much with you. Like the other posters said with that one phrase "I love you but I am not in love with you" probably means there is someone else most likely meeting her Emotional Needs,or what she thinks is her need and it is happening at work, I am also Military and have found that the field and Deployments are where the bonds are made with the people you work with, because you spend all that time with them. You are doing the right thing in seeking counseling don't lose yourself in all this look out for number 1 and take care of your children. I hope is is not true but if you find out there is an A going on check into Article 134 UCMJ. Good Luck Keep up the Good Fight AIRBORNE!!