This is my first post. Sorry it is long and a little segmented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e have not been intimate with each other since April. Her mother had an operation in April and it was a nightmare after. She finally came home last week. My wife has been under alot of stress because of that and work too. I really made sure I took a lot of responsibility at home in regards to domestic and the children. I tried to be there emotionally for her but I quess it wasn't enough. I know it wasn't. I know that things progressed so far out of wack in our marriage but at the same time I thought by taking care of things at home and the boys. She would see that I did really love her. As I have been reading His Needs, Her Needs and this website and this forum I relized I did not do enough. I was not showing enough affection, recreational, or financial support. Which is what I now see she needed. What an idiot. I've been out of the house(living with my mom and dad) since Oct. 10th. It is killing me. I still rush over to take care of the boys so she can go to work. But at when she gets home later that night I have to leave. I know in one way that I still get to see the boys almost everyday is a good thing but leaving is killing me. I miss them so much my wife and children. We spoke last night (oct. 22), I asked her if we could fix it. She said she does not know. I asked if she still loves me, she said only as a good friend. She says she wants to find herself again. Not to be unhappy. She said she is a totally different person at work outgoing and happy. She was going out with her friends after work 3 to 4 nights a week before she told me about her wish for a seperation. There is no affair. I know that for sure. She is dead set against it for now anyway.(her father did it to her mother-they are together again.) When she told me only as a good friend I almost died. I want us to be back together for us to love each other like when we first fell in love. I want our boys to grow up with a mother and father in the same house who love each other and them deeply. I told her I can change and make things better. That she could love me like she used too. She said don't. She wants to be alone and spend time with the boys. I will respect her wishes on that end but I don't want to give up. I had a reality check and relize I need her and love her very much. I have very strong feelings that a family should stay together. I know I didnot do anything in the beginning to really prevent this but I really want to now. I relize what I am losing. My mom and dad said that I should really give her space and put more effort(been neglecting it so she can get to work on time-she makes more money than me at this point) into my job instead of rushing over to watch the boys so she can go to work. But thats a catch 22 we need the money and the boys need me and I need the boys. So I don't know what to do. I know there is alot in my first post but I've been waiting a few days. I finally received password today. There is more I want to say but my sons are waking up from their naps. <BR>Thank You very much if anyone of you read my post. From reading constantly for the past 10 days I can see that you are all good people and have good advise. I don't have any friends except my family(lost the most important one)and I need to talk to someone.<P>Thank You.

Hello,<BR>Of course I do not know your situation fully, but you sound a lot like my husband and I but in a more advanced stage. It's a hard situation when you just know you can fix things but your spouse doesn't believe it. If your wife has any willingness at all of getting back together, you need to pin down what is wrong with the relationship before anything else. She needs to be heard fully. You need to prove to her that you can change how her needs can be met and work on that before you get back together. The proof is in actions, not promises of change. You sound like a great guy, taking care of the kids and all the way you are. You just need to make HER realize that. I hope you can work things out and welcome to the forum!

Hi crl759,<p>Thanks for reply. For awhile now. There has been love busting on both our parts. But mostly on mine. Don't mean to just happens. Regret them after. Mostly snapping at her when something happens but she had nothing to do with. Making serious efforts not to do that any more. She has the same temper but is able to deflect not at me as much. Other lovebusting on my part (now that I have been thinking more about them) are not really making an effort to do things with her. Go out with her-for example to the movies, I end going to see them with out her. We had a wedding to go to a couple of months ago decided to stay home and let her go by herself. Relize now that they were love busters. I think I got worse on the love busting because I found out something about her last year when she was pregnant with our 2nd child. We were watching ER on tv when they had a teenage on the show get cervic cancer which you can only get from unprotected sex with a partner. Anyway, my wife had it when she was 19 and imagine my shock when I found out how you contract it. The reason I became so upset (which I see now was stupid) was that she was the first person I ever made love to. I knew that she had like a half dozen encounters before me. Which I was fine with because she told me she used protection. And I knew that she loved me then. Well we were going out for 6 months when we finally I had unprotected sex which was fine because I trusted her and I was still a virgin. And I knew that we were going to spend the rest of our life together. After she told me that I was the only one that have made love to her like that. To me that meant we did something that she never did with anyone else. It was special to me. To us. I relize now that it was not a big of a deal that I made it out to be. But she hurt me so much at the time I wasn't seeing clearly. I think I stopped making much effort to fix things at that time. She said it was embrassing to her and that she was a kid when it happened. She was also protecting my feelings. I knew she was right but it didn't matter. I don't know if I should tell her about this or just forgive her in my heart and let it go. Which I have been doing. In my first post I mentioned how I thought things were getting better. How, I took care of the boys and all and how I think I hogged them. I let her sleep in everyday until I had to go to work unless she had to get up and take a shower before I left. Even on the weekends I let her sleep until 8 or 9 a.m. Because she had to work, but even when she didn't have to work. Might sound like I'm patting myself on the back, maybe a little I need to tell myself that I did to somethings right. My mom and dad tell me she'll relize after a while how much I did do. Not all the right things but some good things. I still don't know if I should tell her she needs to find a babysitter until 3 P.M. on weekdays so I can put more effort into my job. Or continue to be a doormat on that end. But like I said I get to see the boys 5 days a week. So I don't know let what I should do. Well to get back to now I have been making sure I don't do any more love busting and giving her space. I don't know if I should leave notes or send her flowers now. The first week I was leaving her notes, but she asked me not to. I think I left to many. We talk a little bit mostly about the boys and her work. But she rushes out when I come over to watch them. So I don't get a chance to say much. By the time she comes home my stomach is in knots and I just make small talk. Is that good for now. I know it's only been three weeks. It'll take a lot longer. But man it kills. We are going out with the boys together on Halloween which is a good thing. Maybe we'll be able to talk more. I'll just continue with no love busting and give it time. I just wish I knew when I could ask her out. Maybe have some fun together, but which is probably not on her mind right now. Well thanks for reading.

JD5000 - Sorry you're here, but you are in the right place! Have you read the Harley concepts? If you aren't familiar, please read them asap!

Listen, you can't make your wife love you. I KNOW the pain you feel. What you can do is work on making yourself the most attractive spouse you can be. Work on yourself. Plan A the best you can. Post when you need to.

Remember, you have to work on you and control your reactions to your wife! It's very difficult.

I think it may be a mistake to think that she'll "wake up" and return. Focusing on what she did wrong and trying to "correct" or "educate" her will NOT restore your marriage. Understanding your role in the disconnect and improving what YOU can do is the way to go. It is a very tough road, and usually not a fast one.<p> A winning strategy may be to show your love without feeling like a doormat or applying "pressure".<p> Y'know the "good friends" line is one many of us here have heard before. And the going out.. it sounds funny to me...<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

You definately have a right to be upset about her not being truthful with you about having unprotected sex; its not the fact that she did it, but rather that she lied to you about something that was so special to you. It can be devestating when you suddenly see a person in a way that is so different than you previously did. That can hurt or help a marriage depending on how you decide to take it. I'm sure it was an embarassing thing for her to contract a STD, and lying about it may have seemed to be the only way to cover the shame. She did not do it to hurt you, but this kind of thing is not something to lie about due to the reprocussions of her actions. Hopefully she and you have been tested just to make sure she didn't pass anything on. But that's another story. She didn't want to hurt you when she lied, she wanted to protect herself. Have you already forgiven her to her face for it? Just saying the words "I forgive you" are a huge thing to someone with guilty feelings, even if you have put it into other words already.
It's great that you get to see the boys, they need you so much, especially in this hard time. But don't let her walk all over you. Don't think that being overly nice to her is going to make her come back to you.
It sounds like she needs to know exactly what your plans are for this relatoinship and you need to know hers. She needs to know that you want this to work so much. You both need to be perfectly honest with eachother, don't spare the feelings (but don't be hurtful). There may be a lot of things she has left for, especially if she says she only loves you as a good friend. The only way for her to change this feeling is to fall i love with you again. If you can get her to, take her out. Don't make it a romantic thing, low pressure. Just be yourself and don't try too hard to woo her over. Maybe a lunch or something. People don't just fall out of love, this feeling for her must have been going on for awhile if it is true. I suspect that she is depressed about a lot of things, like her mother's operation. I don't know how serious the condition was, but your wife may be quesioning her mortality, and thus her life's goals and her own being as a result of it. She may be misplacing her anger, frustration and pain about this to your relationship.
But what you really need to do is ask her if there is any hope at all of getting back together first off. You can go from there in finding what you both need from the relationship to make it work.
Also, you need to take a firm stance. You sound like a really nice guy who may not feel comfortable putting his foot down (Correct me if I'm wrong). She may need you to fight for her. You need to tell her firmly that you won't let this relationship, which has produced two wonderful children and that you treasure so much, go down the tubes. You know your wife best, though. It's a constant effort showing her you love her, and it's not just one thing you can do. It's a lifestyle, a part of you that you extend you her. If a man is romantic and sweet every day for a week to prove his love then forgets about it, it means nothing to a woman. It's better to do lots of nice things over time.
Best wishes.

Hi,<p>When we talked on Monday. She said she doesn't know about making it work again. Or even trying. She said she needs to find her self and be alone with the boys as much as possible. When I left I told her that all I know is that I still love her and I'll show her that she could love me again. She said don't. So I'm giving her the space she asked for. I didn't call her yest., that was her day off and she had the boys all day. I don't know if I should have called to just say hi. Today I vaccuumed the house, cleaned the bathroom, and washed the dishes. The vaccuuming was mostly for the boys because we have a dog and cat and the hair is all over the place. I want say anything to her about it when I leave tonight just ask her how her day was and some small talk. Her mother and father live next store so I took the boys over after dinner for a little bit. To say hi and see how my mother in law is doing. She has been home since last week. <p>Hi, crl759 maybe your right about her looking at things much differently since her mother got so sick(almost died and for awhile didn't know who any body was.) Wife feels mother is a totally different person(which she is a little bit). So maybe some of it is that. <p>Thanks for the replys, nice to hear other peoples views and thoughts.<p>JD5000

Hi Familyman,<p>I'll just continue with the Plan A for as long as it might take. Hopefully not to long. In regards with going out with her friends, I'm 100% sure that's all it is. She is dead set against it no matter what, that's one thing I do really know about her. But with the separation I'll might have to worry, I don't know. God, I hope not. I'll never do it to her even now.<p>Well thanks for the reply. <p>I will not be able to read or post anything until saturday, because wife has off tom., and the computer is here. So I will not have access.<p>Thanks
JD5000

I'm glad you feel comfortable posting here, continue to post as often as you need to. It's a tough thing to go through right now, but at least you have some good resources on how to deal with it. I hope all is well with your boys. I've got two of my own so I know the joy they bring you. Hopefully you will get some quality time to talk with your wife after you go out with the little guys on Halloween. It might be good if your parents could watch them so you two can have some alone time, just to talk. Best wishes.

Hi,<p>I was searching the web and came across a website about a book called STOP YOUR DIVORCE by HOMER MCDONALD. Is this book any good or just a lot of fluff. He sounds like he has all the right things to your spouse to help fix seperation and/or divorce in its tracks. Please let me know.<p>Thanks, <p>JD5000

<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: Ava ]</p>