Hi,
Short update on my situation. My wh filed for divorce in October. We were still living together but immediately put our house up for sale. It sold very quickly and I bought a condo and we separated. This time was very stressful and chaotic. Now we've been separated for about 3 weeks. We have very limited contact as needed for sharing the care of our two dogs. I'm settled in and I feel very fortunate that I was able to get a place of my own that I like very much.

I just don't know how to handle the loneliness. I'm fine all day long doing my thing then I come home to no one. Have my meals alone. No one is there to care if I come home or not. I sleep all by myself and I hate this whole aspect of my life now. Learning to rely on only myself for emotional support.

I know I need to get over this to move on with my life but I just don't know how to deal with these feelings. Is this normal? Will it subside over time? How much time? I just hate it.

Any advise?

In a few weeks it will be a year since I kicked my H out. I remember those feelings, but I don't have them anymore. It is an adjustment - but I have found now I don't mind at all. Although I do have kids, they are so young (8 months and 2 y 8 months) that I am pretty much alone in my adult world.

I still have that alone feeling but it's not unsettling, in fact, it's very relaxing. I love only picking up after myself (and the kids). I love being able to do what I want.

You will adjust ~ and some day when you find yourself dancing around naked after getting out of teh shower you'll realize if someone lived with you, you probably wouldn't be doing that. :lol:

Hi troubled,

We are here to care about you even if we can't be at home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think just letting the feelings come and dealing with them is a first step.It is still so soon after you separated and I believe they are normal and unfortunately may last awhile.

I am separated too although not on my way to divorce,yet, but I also miss having my former wonderful H at home with me.I am lonely too even though I have two daughters and a dog to care for.

I try to keep as busy as I can,get involved in activities I like and go outside.I have found that being outside in nature has helped me.It is snowing heavily right now where I am so I am trying to enjoy that.It is so beautiful out and I have such a beautiful home. I try to remember how blessed I am for that,a roof over my head during the holidays.

I also believe that a lot of emotional growth is happening for me because I do have to rely on myself more like I hadn't had to in the past. I have been with my WH for 20 years and I am slowly adjusting to a new life without him in it everyday for now.It's hard no doubt about it but I take each day one day at a time.

I also have my mom staying with me while I go through all this.Can a family member or friend come to stay with you awhile? That may help you.I know some parts of my day are more troublesome with the lonliness but I just try to ride the tide.

Take care.

October

today has been the worst day yet. My husband came by this morning to drop the dogs off because i will have them for the next week. we were talking and i just started to cry. I'm humiliated that I broke down in front of him.

It's just so painful to hear about his life that's he's living as a single person and I'm still living like a married person but I'm all alone. I feel isolated and excrutiatingly lonely. What is wrong with me? I feel like I'm defective or something.

I feel like there is something very deeply wrong with me and I don't know what it is or how to fix it. Is this a "normal" way to feel?

I think the hardest part is the "couple time"....

But I have an advantage there - I didn't really have it with my ex.

I wanted and needed more that I ever got - he didn't like spending time with 'us' - so he didn't.

But I find in the process of daily living I don't miss much except the part I really WANTED most.

I've learned to fill those hours with other things - reading, learning, a craft, activity, MB, working at times, exercising, long walks alone or with the kids, anything that just fills up the hours.

Jan

I have been separated almost four years and I still haven't gotten used to the loneliness. I don't have children at home and I am alone most of the time since no one really visits. I hope you do better than I have

That's not encouraging in the least. But it is motivating. I don't want to think about life four years from now and still be stuck in this same place. I need to find away to move on with this because I can't bear the thought of living this way indefinately.

You need to move on with your life too. Why do you think no one visits? Are you reaching out or doing things to bring other people into your life and your heart?

Hi Troubled---I know exactly how you feel. Being separated only 3 weeks is the pits and you have a long way to go to adjust---BUT YOU CAN ADJUST and find a new life.

I have been separated and on my own for one year this November. I did not want to get separated or end my M. I did all I could to repair the damage but I was the only one willing to work. I never felt so alone after I moved and the aloneness was very consuming after the holidays last year. I, too, came home to no one and nothing night after night. I did real good when at work and out and about but the minute I walked into my apartment, I was devastated with loneliness. The summer was the worst---no one was around but I spent many days at a local pool (all by myself). I invited around 5 people to join me at the pool but no one was available. I spent this time really adjusting to doing things alone and I slowly began to enjoy and now cherish the summer months with fondness. Then I did the worst thing anyone could do----went to a wedding----ALONE. I sat with people I did not know and could hardly talk to them cause the music was so loud. But I realized in the middle of the reception that I was OK being there alone. I felt good about myself and there was nothing WRONG with me cause I was alone. I think these experiences started me on the final journey of adjusting my attitude to the single life.

Everybody on these boards said that you have to be complete as a person and not look to others to define you. Dr Phil's book SELF MATTERS really helped me change my thinking about what control others had in how I looked at myself.

The biggest crossroad came when I cried out to God and I expressed to Him that I had a whole the size of California in my heart and I needed Him to fill this whole cause I could not bear it much longer. Well----I can honestly say that I have never been happier. It was long and hard to get to this place but I am the type of person that does not like to stay in emotional pain so I work with God to achieve his purposes for me. My life is filled with God's best, friends, work, church activities, new adventures and a wonderful new pet.

I have never been happier----I used to live in the shadow of my alcoholic H and only thought I could feel complete if he was what I thought he should be. We are still friends and see each other about once a month and talk once in while but he has his life now and I am establishing mine. I like where I am going.......

TW

I emailed you Troubled1...did you get it?

Please call me if you're lonely...especially during the week. I'm home most nights except Tuesdays and Fridays...

hi lulu,
i didn't get your e-mail but i just sent one to your hotmail account. did you get it?

No sweetie...try my pacbell acct. My hotmail account seems to be problematic for many people.

troubled... I feel isolated and excrutiatingly lonely. What is wrong with me? I feel like I'm defective or something.

I feel like there is something very deeply wrong with me and I don't know what it is or how to fix it. Is this a "normal" way to feel?

sufdb....Normal simply means how large numbers of people react to similar stimuli...yes you are normal.

Why is a little more complicated. You sound like an empath, (one who has stronger than "normal" ability to feel others emotions....and a hard time distinguishing them from your own....and has nothing to do with sympathy, people often confuse the two). Empaths typically "think" (sort of without thinking) they are responsible for everyone else feeling good, ok, happy etc. and act accordingly. Without someone to focus those energies on (ie being alone), sometimes empathic people will feel dislocated, lost, floundering and if this is a condition that followed a relationship failure (which empaths feel responsible for no matter what the cause) that IMO leads to feelings of defectiveness, taintedness, etc. It is not painfull exactly, it is more about feeling anxious, like you can never really be relied on, or trusted...which starts making you feel kinda fatalistic, and unworthy.

Anyways, don't know if this applies to you at all but if it does...time helps, and I suggest you learn how to focus on yourself, and give up thinking you have any responsibility at all for others feelings...this will enable you to be authentic about your own feelings, and make better choices in how you interact with people. So for now, embrace the lonliness, it is good for you cause you are prevented from focusing on others...read Dr. Phils book self matters, and for awhile, just explore being alone...you will find out who you really are.

I have been separated for 5 months and live alone. At first it was lonely and awful. Then I realized that I was much too attached to my WH and needed to go on alone. I started doing things - exercising, going to women's bible study, volunteering, etc. Yes, we wanted to be married, but that is not how it turned out. I have been living the life I deserve and making a nice home for me. Later if someone wants to join me, that will be nice, but if not I am content. You only have one life to live - don't give your XWS so much power that he can still ruin things for you.

Hi Troubled1,

Please know it is normal to be upset and worried, but know it will also get better. I divorced my 1st H, and it was the first time I'd ever been alone. Even though I initiated the D, I was still lonely and scared.

But in about one years time I'd made new friends and had a pretty full life. Single people who liked to go to movies and have fun, or young married couples w/o kids. It took some time to build a new life. It's tough at first, and it gets better. Just make it a goal, to make new friends and to get out (dog parks are great, btw). This will not be the end of you.

I'd make sure to do something nice on nights I was alone; bottle of cheap champgne, something fun and yummy to cook, rent a fun movie, give myself a pedicure. It will get better! Hang in there - Dru

My wife and I also filed for Divorce in October this year and it takes 4 months before it is over. Will will be married 12 years, 01/01/04. We have 3 boys, 9,8 and 7 years of age. We still live together, but she has an apartment with her lover in town. She's in love with this guy she has been working with for 3 years. She is never home, I work 40 hours a week, and really do everything there is for the children. I have them every day, even the weekends. When she has off she just goes and does her thing and picks the children up, "After day-car" school program, then I make supper and she's off again. You know is has been this way for 5 years. I have no friends, not furnature in apt., I have only a network of 12 computers so everyone can have fun on the internet. After I finish the school work with the children. I Need to vent, but I have know one to really vent this at. Maybe someones out there with something like I am going through.
This will start.

michael,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
those living conditions sound horrible. you should probably post to just found out or general questions and attract some attention from some of the more senior members. If I were you I would kick her out. She's already got an aprt with the other man why doesn't she just stay there. Impose no contact with her and let the affair live or die a nutural death. Right now she has her cake and eats it too.