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#76161 10/23/01 04:40 PM
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My husband left 23 days ago, after telling me that he had been thinking about it for about 5 years. He suggested getting help and we are seeing a counsellor. But he has also been suffering with depression for a long time and has been on medication. I knew we had problems but I thought it was related to his depression. But now after reading so much of the marriagebuilders stuff I understand that I was using a few different love busters. He is in a state of withdrawal and we have kind of been living in a state of role reversals ever since he went back to school 8 years ago. He is working now at the same job for the last year. Since he went back to school we struggled through numerous job changes. Now he says time is passing him by and he wants to salvage what is left of his life he is 41 and I am 37 we have been married 20 years, we have a 20yr old, 17, and 8. I've read what Dr. Harley has suggested for husbands whose wives leave them but I can't find it in reverse, especially when our roles have been reversed for so long. He thinks I'm contolling,etc. Do I keep trying to tell him how much he means to me or just let him initiate talks? How much does the depression play into it? He says he has to be able to like himself when he looks in the mirror before he can try to like me.

#76162 10/23/01 05:38 PM
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Hello,<BR>Your husband needs to learn to love himself, but you are a big part of his life and you need to be a part of him learning to love himself. Being together for so long can take a toll on one's identity, and it sounds like you two had time for everything in your life but for eachother, what with the kids, school and working. You must be strong people to do that much. Your husband might just need a little time for himself to figure out his life. You two need to establish what your goals are, individually and as a couple.<BR>In response to the following question:<BR>"Do I keep trying to tell him how much he means to me or just let him initiate talks?"<BR>It really depends on how your husband responds to things. Different people need to be shown love in different ways. Being loved is different for everyone: some people need to be told that they are loved while other need to be shown. Of course, you need to tell him how much he means to you, but don't overdo it. Ask him if he needs to get anything out, what his feelings are. Encourage him to initiate conversations and ask him what he needs to feel loved. I wish you the best.

#76163 10/23/01 06:14 PM
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Thanks, for the reply. I'm just having a bad day cuz I miss him so much and the house is so empty, but I really do want him to figure out who he is.

#76164 10/23/01 06:37 PM
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It must be very hard to be alone after having a companion for so long. From the time you've been together and your age now that you gave, you got married young, which means that your whole adult life has been with your husband. He is a big part of who you are, and the same with him. You might want to take the time to take an inventory of your self and your life. Figure out who you are as a person, which should lead you to rediscover some things about why exactly you love your husband and some things you can do to help him. Have a great day.

#76165 10/24/01 09:02 AM
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Thanks for the suggestion. I'm not even sure how to inventory my self or my life. I do know why I love him though- he's a great person, he listens, empathisizes, used to want to be with me, loved me, he's gorgeous, he's creative, but he doesn't believe these things about himself and thinks I just say these things because I'm married to him. I get so afraid he's setting himself up for someone to come along and tell him those same things and then he'll feel happy for a while. I can't shake this fear! I know he purposely wouldn't go looking for someone but he's living on the edge being by himself. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

#76166 10/25/01 01:12 PM
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I can see why you would be worried about your hisband, he is in a vulnerable state. You need to let him know that you are not telling him nice things because you are married to him, but those nice things are the reasons you married -and continued to be married to - him. He needs to let himself believe you. But remember that it's not the volume of compliments he gets, but the sincerity behind them. Don't just say things to make him happy. One thing you could try is finding things that he enjoys or is good at and encourage him to do them. Like a project or an outing. For example, my husband loves mountain biking. One week he was feeling low, so I arranged for him and his friend to go biking - I took the kids and all. It made him feel a lot better, not just because he got out of the house, but because he knew I cared enough about him to want him to have fun. The little things like this add up a lot in a marriage.
As for yourself, jsut think about the things you wanted to accomplish when you were a kid. You are still a very young woman! Think about the things that you would now like to accomplish, and what you have done so far to reach those goals. Modify your goals to suit your interests at this time. Is there anything you always wanted to do, like get a degree in something, work on some kind of business, do some type of volunteer work? Think about bettering yourself, even though you may be right where you want at this moment, the things you discover about yourself and how you can make your goals come true can really help your husband. You can share the things you learn about yourself with him, and talk to him about his goals and how he can acheive them. It doesn't have to be anything big, just something you always wanted to do. I always wanted to have a beautiful garden, for example. These little things that we can focus our energy on, nurture, and grow with truly help our self worth. Best of luck.

#76167 10/25/01 05:24 PM
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Thanks for the good ideas! I'm feeling better today. I've started journaling for myself. At first I wrote him all these letters and poured out my heart which is good but being that he is in a withdrawl mode right now it only makes me feel worse almost to have him know my thoughts without a response. Actually I still don't sleep too well at night yet, couple hours, up a couple hours, sleep a couple more. I've stopped wasting my time watching T.V. and have started reading again. I read my Bible, a book on depression, and a christian romance suspense book. Someday I would like to write a book. I started working out every day and I feel a lot better about myself, I can even eat again! We did do those questionairres before he left and it helped to know that what I was doing to show my love to him was not how he wanted to be shown and of course, the way he showed me was perfect just not enough. I still have a lot to learn. He has said he wants to work on it, but then he changed his mind and is back in withdrawal, it's hard not to start to feel guilty for my part of the pain I've caused him and now what the kids have to go through because of my love busters!! I talk to everyone about this sight I wish I would've known all this before!

#76168 10/26/01 10:14 PM
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Don't feel bad about him not responding to your feelings. The important thing is that you were able to open up to him and share your feelings. He might just need some more time to process what you have said and how to respond to it. The guilt that you feel for what you have done to him in the past needs to be healed on your part. Have you talked to him saying that you acknowledge the things you have done in the past to hurt him? He does need to know that you are aware of your actions and ready to change them. But for now, replace those negative, guilty feelings towards yourself with positive, loving ones for him. You need to forgive yourself and focus on not repeating the patterns. Pretty much everyone is not 100-percent satisfied with how they have handled a relationship - the important thing is to catch the mistakes before they completely destroy the relationship without hope for return.
Also know that your husband is going through a lot with his depression. It is not the kind of pain you can just cure, it takes time and a lot of effort on the part of a family as a whole as well as the enthusiastic willingess of your husband. He needs to want things to change.
I'm so happy that you were able to find ways to make yourself happier like exercising. Reading the Bible is a wonderful thing to do, it gives a lot of insight and wisdom. As for writing a book, that is fabulous! Just start writing, you'll be amazed at what comes out. Even if you don't have an idea for one right now, just writing down ideas and your journaling is helpful in that it can spawn an idea, a storyline, an interesting character or some things that might inspire others. Plus, it's a great way to deal with your emotions about your husband and relationship. Have a great weekend!

#76169 10/29/01 09:39 AM
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Thanks for all your encouragement it really helps! We had a discussion last night about jealousy issues on my part it ended on a good note, started out BAD!
I used to depend so much on words to express my feelings, I'm starting to see that the proof is in the actions. For example; "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son... He didn't just keep saying I love you, I love you,I love you! He put actions to His love. I'm praying for the right opportunities to show my love and how special he is.
I think part of the problem with the jealousy thing is that I want to know more about his day so we can talk better, and the more info I have the communication feels deeper,it's not a fishing expedition to check up on him! I just kind of figured that out last night after he left and I want to tell him that but I don't want it to sound like I'm blaming him. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

#76170 10/29/01 10:00 PM
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Hi Faith<p>You cannot make your husband come back, but you can try to make yourself so appealing that he wants to come back. It is a thin line but try to give him his space, but make sure he knows how much you love him and want him to come home. Call him every day and tell him you love him and are working on your self and the marriage becuase it is so important to you. Never get mad or upset when you talk to him. Best thing is to send loving emails if possible. <p>You didn't say where he was staying. If in his own apartment, ok. My husband went to his parents- and they dont like me, encouraged him to leave me! So make sure nothing like that is going on.<p>It sounds like you are very hopeful and that is a good thing.It is wonderful that you are willing to work for this and stand by him - depression is/can be very hard to deal with (my husband also has it but is not on meds). Be patient and I am sure you can win him back!<p>love and luck<p>A.

#76171 10/30/01 06:22 AM
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Thanks EVERY little BIT of ANYTHING helps. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. Very Bad day yesterday, counselling just seems to bring up old pains. I don't know if that is bad or good. I want to move forward. Have said I'm tremendously sorry. And some days I feel like he may want to work at it and then he's ready to pack it up and feeling angry for all the years of not hearing him. I don't blame him at all. I've told him all I want is for him to be happy and realize how great he is and what he does deserve and that I think I can offer that to him. But when the anger comes I'm not sure what to do. I guess just back off????? I can't stop trying I love him so much and I want us to be a complete family again! If his pain over the years is anything like mine right now, he must be extremely strong because I can barely function. I think I'm losing it!
I do love him unconditionally and always have but it didn't feel like that to him and I can see why now. I feel like I'm neglecting my kids, that I'm only focusing on this! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]


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