W and I went to MC for a few weeks which led to her decision on D. Since then I have gone a few times alone.

MC was mostly talking about her and her past(Seperation was brought on by her, I was blind sided). I felt like I was sitting in on a IC for her. Nothing was ever done to improve or work on our relationship. I have said to W several times that I didn't feel that we got to try hard enough on our relationship because of how MC went.

W and I were talking last night and she asked how IC was going for me and we talked about our MC. She has told me that she would go back to MC but not to work on M, just to work on us retaining the great friendship that we have had for 17 years. Neither of us want to through everything away.
We agreed that MC was nonproductive as is my IC with same guy. It's as though I just report to him and get nothing constructive back from him.

Anyway W says she will still go to "Relationship Counseling" but doesn't want to work on M and it would have to be with a new counselor.

I agree that a new counselor is in order, the one I currently see has done nothing for me but watch my M turn to D while W cried about her past.

As we talked about this, I asked her if she felt that things may have worked out differently if we had seen someone else. She didn't have an answer, but I know she wondered a bit herself. She even agreed to go whenever I can get an appointment. 2 weeks ago she said she had no time for this.

I need to find a new counselor. One that will be willing to work with us as a couple without trying to get us back together. I have hopes that this will help get us back together by itself. Even if not, It will be nice for us to go through this without hating eachother.

Does anyone have advice on what I should be looking for?
Has anyone done this type of thing and what can I expect?

I am limitted to my insurance coverage but have a pretty broad range available to me. Her IC recomended someone but this is the same guy that sees all the STBXH's from her D'ed mother support group.
I would rather see someone who would want to build a relationship rather than help us get over one.

Any comments or advice are welcome, this is new ground for me and I only have one chance to make it work.

We tried this (although to no avail).
I found a counselor who was willing to work on "communications counseling". Initially it was MC, but the counselor knew our goal of trying to communicate through the divorce for the sake of the kids. In fact 20 months later, we're still trying to meet with this counselor.

I did feel better when the counselor told me my X had "no communication skills". I thought I'd imagined this.

Remember that marriage counseling is generally not covered by insurance; however, if you explain your situation to the counselor, they can submit the claim with a covered code, such as "adjustment counseling".

It's better to work things out with a counselor vs. a lawyer.

Newley
Fortunately W and I communicate OK. Not great but were getting better at it.
After talking about our MC experience, although she wouldn't say it, I think W may be thinking that things could have been different with a different counselor. In fact I asked her just that and she tought about it but didn't answer. Maybe she will be willing to give it another try someday.
If not I hope we can maintain as good of a relationship as possible. 4 littleones counting on mommy and daddy getting along.

Wish,
It sounds like your original counselor was more "Rogerian" in approach, which is non-directive and lets the patient/client determine their own path. This is a type of couseling that we had too...mainly he just sat there while we (either individually or together) recited what happened. Then he'd nod, really didn't give any concrete suggestions on things to work on, homework, looking to future, etc...

Why not make a few phone calls to counselors? Find out what their approach is - see if it's more interactive or not. Most would talk on the phone for a few minutes if you tell them what you're looking for in seeing a counselor. Would your wife be willing to talk to the Harleys without knowing they are primarily marriage counselors? (just a thought <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) I've talked to Steve on several occasions. After my first appt. with him, I felt like I had accomplished more than in the previous 6 months of seeing our local counselor.

<small>[ December 09, 2003, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

avondale25
The last thing I want is for W to think I tricked her into MC. As far as she is concerned, I need to find IC that she can go to with me at times. If we talk to someone like Harleys and she finds out that I picked an IC that is primarily MC, she probably wouldn't go.
I need to find someone in the middle. Not just to assure that she will be willing to go, but also to make sure that I can benefit from IC with same person.
Also, given our current situation, money is pretty tight and I need to take my insurance into account.