OK, I know it has been a while since I posted or even looked at the MB site. I was mad when my H (now Ex H) came home in September from a 17 week Army course with a girlfriend. It was bad enough that he flaunted her around like it was no big deal, and was worse that he tried to make it OK for the kids (they are 10 and now 8), but the thing that was weird and just plain hurtful was that the two of them chose to rent a house that we (H, kids, and me) used to rent prior to purchasing our home that I live in now.

Nearly three months have passed, and the divorce was final two weeks ago yesterday. Over the course of the past three months, I have come to accept that my marriage was going to be over, and although not happy about it, I realize "it is what it is".

Monday, my ex comes to me and tells me that the GF is going home at the end of this week, and wants to know if we can have dinner. He "is sorry, realizes that where we are now is his fault, misses everything we had, and knows that his one big mistake with the kids was that he didn't honor their mother". Wants to buy me a diamond engagement ring and remarry me and "do it right this time" (he never gave me an engagement ring when we were married before; not that it mattered, it just never happened).

While I am touched in a way that he has finally seen the light, I have this gnawing feeling of WHY? Why now? What is he saying to the GF? Is she leaving because he has told her that he made a mistake and thought infatuation was love, and he wants his marriage and family back, or is this woman leaving town on her own free will? Mostly, I have decided that my life has been really simple (not easy, mind you) - free of a lot of conflict and doubt. I don't think I can make myself go back to a life filled with questions, and always having to look over each other's shoulders. And I definitely wouldn't go right back, and be there to pick up his pieces the second she drives out of town. That would make me look and feel like a pathetic, desperate wimp.

I guess I don't even really know what my question is. I'm not even sure I have one. I needed to vent to a peer group that would understand and listen, and possibly offer some insight as to how long it will be before my life quits sucking?

skip

How long did it take the two of you to get to where you are?

How long will he be willing to try to work things out.

If you are interested, take it very slow. Make sure that he knows what kind of damage has been done and how much work it will take to fix it.
That is if it can be or you want it to be fixxed.

Wish,

Our relationship had its problems over the 14 years we were together, some worse than others, but had been really "bad" for about two years. I actually filed the first part of February, then decided after being alone and living as a divorcee, it wasn't what I wanted, so H moved back into our home in April. He was activated to attend a 17 week Army Officer's course in Virginia and left in May. When he returned mid-September, he had a girlfriend with him. I didn't know about OW until 1.5 days before his return, and was devastated because I had been living my life as a married woman and a mother all summer, while he was messing around with no responsibilities. I even found out that this OW had accompanied my H when he visited his family in upstate NY over the Labor Day holiday weekend.

I honestly am not sure how long my XH would be willing or able to work on things. As things stand now, he is almost positive that he will be deployed to Iraq or somewhere in that area sometime within the next 6 months to a year. I truly believe that his primary motivation for getting back together is money, as he is constantly making reference to how broke he is. Perhaps he should have considered this before the GF moved across country so they could "be together"??

I don't mean to take on an attitude of "I told you so" or "You get what you dish out", but I am still very angry, hurt, and saddened that our 14 year marriage came to an end because he lived with this woman for three months. It disappoints me that a man who is generally very smart did not make very smart decisions in this case. I can honestly say that I wouldn't rule out us someday getting back together, but I don't forsee it happening before he leaves for deployment. I won't be left at home again to have him come home with another GF.

Anyway...still venting. Thanks for your reply.

skippie
Perhaps his motivation is partly to being alone. If OW did leave on her own will, then maybe he is seeing you as the one chance he realy had and now wants that back.

I think he needs to earn you back. You need to decide if he can.

hello skippie,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I am touched in a way that he has finally seen the light, I have this gnawing feeling of WHY? Why now? What is he saying to the GF? Is she leaving because he has told her that he made a mistake and thought infatuation was love, and he wants his marriage and family back, or is this woman leaving town on her own free will?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If i can only share some of what i've some to learn while goinbg thru my personal issues,,

all the why's may matter to some, to others its not important. Its been known that even after a S has left, realized the mistake, for what ever reason(s) and came back,, with no looking "back" the marriage has bonded stronger.

Just for the mere fact of accepting the now, opposed to the past, do you understand. Its also been known that a spouse who has even "said" they will try to make it work, for the childrens sake, to their astounding surprise, they too have become closer, closer than either have ever imagined.

It can be real simple, anmd it can be extremely difficult.

I have spoken to and with couples who have recovered, and or re-married each other, for what-ever length of time of seperation/divorce,,
there has been those who just accepted the facts, maintained an "open" mind, and accomplished a stronger, blissful relationship with ease, in a short time, where others has struggled, and others simplty fail.

In my opinion, its all by choice. And it starts with an oipen mind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have decided that my life has been really simple (not easy, mind you) - free of a lot of conflict and doubt.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a fact of living the single life,,,

Your relationship can/will never be conflict free, but it can STILL become every bit of what you have always wanted it to be,, and than some.

Read these articles here at MB,, as i'm sure others will also mention some books to also help alomg the way,,


Skippie,, "Its never too late" and it can be easier than most really think,, its your choice, by choice.

You mentioned the children,, IMO, the both of you "owe" ot to your chiuldren, to take each and every effort and attemp, to reconcile your relationship,, sparing them any further pain thats associated thru this whole ordeal.
Just think of what the lessons your children can/will learn, if the both of you,"do it right the second time?"
It can be done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That would make me look and feel like a pathetic, desperate wimp.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Those who would think of you this way,, so what!?
Myself, i would, and will always PRAISE any individual, or couple who accepted their spouse, and made their marriage work, regardless. Just for the childreen thats involved.

I'm wondering, are you filled with some pride here?? Whats more important? Ones individual pride, or onec childrens needs, especially their emotional; status? Or what somebody outsid eof the relationship would think?\

Desperate wimp? Would you look like a desperate wimp? NOT!!! Would you feel like a desperate wimp? You have no need. SO WHAT if somebody looked at you as a desperate wimp.

Would you feel more comfortable later down the road telling your children that "you" decided to not give your XH a chance, in fear of you looking like a desperate wimp?

When there are children involved,, the right thing to do, is reconcile, IMHO.
It is easier than most think!

I just hope i can only encourage you,,
i wish you the best.

stephan

still STANDING!!! in Michigan

www.rejoiceministries.org


"the choices we make, dictate the life we lead."

Would it be an option to keep him out of the house, except for children visitation, for a 6 month period? By then he will either be deployed or at the least you will have an idea of his true intentions. If he agrees to M counseling and proves himself trustworthy you may seriously consider reconciliation. If not, you're already free to move on. God will help you and give you wisdom.

Hey guys,

Thanks for your input. Yes, I would guess that there is some pride involved (after all, those that have been in my shoes can say that they feel like their hearts have been ripped out and stomped on or rolled over with a steamroller). I felt like such the fool for having thought for the 4 months that he was gone that we'd be together when he got back. And, the kids thought he was coming "home" to be with us until the day before his arrival; I was the one who told them this wasn't the case. He then lives with this woman and makes every effort to make her "OK" for the kids. I was kind of a real B**** and let him see the kids all he wanted until the D was final, but they have not slept at his house with HER there since he got back in September. I just couldn't condone it or make that "right". I never bad-mouthed her to the kids; after all, if she was good to them, what more could I ask for? And really, I think if circumstances would have been different, I even could have liked this woman.

I still have my doubts that he has told her the same story that he told me, about being "in love" with me and "wanting to make it right". If he has, and I was the OW, I would have packed and been gone the day he said it. To me, it seems like she's decided to leave, and I'm the consolation prize - better than nothing. He seems to be frightened of being alone, and hates the fact that he's broke. I'm like a huge dollar sign and a warm body that he can hook up with.

I'm sorry guys, but this is how I'm feeling tonight with this whole thing. Yes, I agree that my kids would be much better off. And, they would like nothing better than to see us together. I just don't know right now if I can live up to their expectations.

skip

It might be a good idea to talk with the ow. I also agree no one should rush into marriage or remarriage...any remarriage should come after a long courtship with a hard look at who he is, how he behaves, how he protects you (all the MB stuff), counselling etc. If one does this correctly, and patiently, IMO the truth will be revealed, as to his worthiness as a marital partner, and whether you actually do want him.