For those of you that know my story, my STBXW has been actively involved in the leadership of a large Single's ministry in my area. I knew she was dating someone else in leadership and spent Thanksgiving with his family. She has been calling me the last few days all weepy so I knew something was up. Of course, in the back of my mind, I'm hoping she is having doubts about us as we near our divorce (should be final in ealry January). Tonight she calls me and tells me that this guys dumped her because he has commitment panic attacks.

She goes on to explain how this relationship differed from the last three (yes, last three that she now finally admits to all three over the last four years) since this guy was a committed believer. There was so much "good" in this relationship and everyone in their singles ministry thought they were a Godly example (this is my wife's version).

My wife is a "love" addict. She admitted tonight that she has not given up any of her past relationships until there was a new one on the horizon. However, she thinks that God has taught her a lot these past few years through the mistakes she has made.

I again asked her why she wouldn't consider our relationship. She replied that first, she has given herself to other guys and thinks her heart is too far from me at this point. Second, she thinks that if I knew what she had done, she would always be a second class citizen spiritually in our relationship. I told her that the second part was mine to answer, not hers and that clearly would not be the case. If she finally started making some good choices, how could I not respect her? It amazes me the lies that Satan tells her.

As I was talking with her I felt incredibly stuck. What I wanted to say is "you are fighting God"! Why do you expect that he will bless any relationship you have? But it seems to me that she would view any comments like that from me as me trying to manipulate her into staying which I clearly don't want to do. So, what I said was "I can't help you here" and "you and I see things differently". I know that she knows I still would reconcile if she made a real commitment. I also know that in spite of all the junk she has gone through, she still refuses to see that the major problem is in her heart. She thinks she has some "relationship issues" but still doesn't tie them back to the fact that she is abandoning her spouse and seeking life on HER terms.

I just don't have anyone to talk to about this in my life. I don't want to draw in my family since they have to deal with her in the future and don't want to make it any harder on them. So, I come to MB to get it out. Thanks for listening!

DWAD

And you came to the right place.

The misery that is happening to your WW is a direct result of her choices. She is making a mockery of her relationship with God. But I can see your delemma; to point this out to her might come across a judgmental on your part. But you are dead right. The problem is in her heart and she will take that with her no matter where she goes or who she is with, until she sees that the problem is her and admits to herself and God.

I told my W, someday you will come to understand that there is only two men in your life who ever really loved you; your father and me. I think that is the same for your wife. Some day your wife will probably come to realize that the OM in her life are using her for their own purposes and don't really love her and that only you are able to love and forgive her because your love is real love; a husband's love, and Christian's love.

Thanks Firebird. I feel about my wife the same way you do about yours. God has provided for you with me. No one besides your Dad has ever/will ever really love you like me. Yet, you refuse to even consider that the reason these relationships keep failing is because God is against you.

I know that many here talk about "the fog" and that is the best description I can think of here. How can you get yourself to place where you are serially dating while your spouse is making repeated efforts to reconcile and yet feel that God is blessing your relationship? At least with her previous relationships, she knew she was on her own and rebelling against God. This time, she thinks God and others in her church saw this is a great example of how relationships should function. Mind you, she wasn't divorced or even actively pushing for the divorce during this time.

It just blows my mind. The only think I can say right now is that maybe God is allowing this to happen to free me fully for my future.

DWAD

dontwantadivorce,
I am truly sorry for your situation and the pain you must bear. However, remember we should count it "..pure joy.." for the trials and tribulations we endure while serving Christ. This WILL draw you closer to Him and build you up.

It really gets my goat when churchs and people for that matter absolutely work contrary to the word of God. I understand we are human and do make mistakes, however, in cases of marriage and divorce, the scripture is clear. You are right, this is absolutely the work of Satan and your wife's heart. You have handled yourself well and should be proud. There is NOTHING you can do except love her and when asked reveal what the scripture has to say. Many often think that because a "church" and "church members" THINK the relationship is okay and the right one, doesnt make it so.

For too long we have allowed this to go on and its time churches and christians take a stand and STAND on the word of God.

Sorry to vent, however, this is spiritual warfare and it is Satan trying to destroy families, children and spouses. Nothing more, nothing less.

Continue to battle and pray. Nothing is impossible with God. Perhaps your wife is beginning to "come to her senses", just as the prodigal son did.

I am praying for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What I wanted to say is "you are fighting God"! Why do you expect that he will bless any relationship you have? But it seems to me that she would view any comments like that from me as me trying to manipulate her into staying which I clearly don't want to do. So, what I said was "I can't help you here" and "you and I see things differently". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not ASK her: "What does the Bible say about that?" Or is she a kind of Christian that doesn't believe in the Bible?

dontwantadivorce,


You do have someone you could talk to about this--
the Pastor of the Church your wife attends--He should be informed of all that is going on--and you also have God to talk to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As far as your wife is concerned--something you can suggest to her as you said she is struggling with feeling less than desirable to you as a wife-
and unworthy of your love--it's possible she also feels unworthy of God's love--and like she can't be forgiven or even that she shouldn't be forgiven

The next time she call's you ask her if she can come over to see you, or if you can go over to see her so that you can talk--and share some things with her--if she's agreeable--when you get together sit down with her and share these bible passages with her--

The book of Hosea and John chapter 8--both are about this topic--and the forgiveness given in this situation--

Let her know that even though she has made these choices, she is still worthy of love because God created her--and says she is worthy--

Share with her choices you have made in the past and how they are also considered sin in God's eyes--and ask her where in the bible it says adultry is worse than say a lie--or even putting work before your wife and family? (I don't know your story so I'm just giving examples, but you know better where you failed to meet her needs)

There are other verses you can look up and share with her about God knitting her together, and God knowing even the number of hairs on her head--and how He cares even about the smallest details in her life--and that although you are not God--you
have learned to see her through His eyes and realized how important she and your marriage are to you--

Now, it may take some time for these things to really begin to sink in to her heart--and she might even begin to cry or get defensive--so you will need patience to wait on God to work in her heart--and from some things you've shared here--
He already is--and it sounds like she's just needing to hear His words to help her understand more fully what He is trying to teach her--that even though yes, she is a sinner--He really did die for her too--and that He loves her-

The reason I am suggesting *you* share these things with her--is because as her husband..you are supposed to be her spiritual leader--the one who helps and encourages her walk and growth in the Lord--that coupled with the fact the man she's been involved with is a "spiritual leader" within the church--it sounds like that is just what she is needing YOU as her husband to be for her--in order for her to come back to the marriage

<small>[ January 04, 2004, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

fb (and dwad)...someday you will come to understand that there is only two men in your life who ever really loved you; your father and me.


sufdb....I understand why one might feel this way, and say such a thing..... but it is extremely disrespectful to say this to someone. You are essentially saying (when one does this), if you don't choose me, you are stupid...or dysfunctional. Disrespectful judgments don't come much more offensive than that.

Further, according to Harley's principles it isn't true, the one who can "love" another the best, is the one who can percieve and meet another's needs the best....that is a performance standard, and it is highly unlikely anyone is married to the human being most capable of meeting their needs out of a pool of billions.

"The only think I can say right now is that maybe God is allowing this to happen to free me fully for my future. "

IMO you are being blessed by G-d by being given a chance to get out of hell and move on with your life.

What your wife is doing makes no sense at all. She is calling you and telling you that she can never come back to you and that her prior boyfriend is allergic to commitment. Why?

It seems she wanted commitment. What sort of commitment is she going to get from someone who would date a person who isn't yet divorced? And why would she be confiding in you?

Personally, I think she is testing the waters with you. Maybe she thinks you have been "preaching" to her, although from my perspective it seems like you are handling it extremely well. If you simply listen and try to understand -- ask questions, make no comments, I wonder what would come out of her mouth after a while. Can you ask her simply if you could be her friend -- go out to dinner, go out to a movie, go for a walk?

I think that the impending divorce may be awakening her to what she has chosen -- serial short-term monogomous(?) relationships. Four boyfriends and counting... That can get old, especially if there are gaps in between. There's a gap now. She needs a friend.

PS. My marriage is an absolute mess. Take what I say with a very big grain of salt!

There are many things done in the name of God which God has little to do with. I do not understand how some people rationalize their behavior but many do.....obviously, the biggest deception is that your WS and OM do not know God's Word too clearly. I heard today that 80% of Christians do not even read the Bible regularly. If this is true, you can understand why they are so deceived by thier sin.

I would pray long and hard for God's wisdom in whether you should expose WS and Christian men. If may be the right thing to do or it may bring you more heartache and grief. Since you know the truth, live in it and God will bless you for it. The truth can set us free in many different ways.

TW

<small>[ January 04, 2004, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: tossedwave ]</small>