X and I have been apart for 2 and a half years, and if you read my siggie line, you will get the rest if you don't already know it.

X was living overseas for much of that time, married OW and came back to live in our country in October. The kids and I have found ourselves having to get used to weekend visitation every fortnight, where I have to just accept that the kids spend time with the X's wife because society now deems their relationship as valid and okay. Forget the fact that she was a huge influence in his separating from us and the ultimate divorce.

But I do it. I have to, and I try very hard not to put down either the X or OW, despite the tales I hear when they get home. My middle child is struggling severely with visitations, and the oldest (son - who had trouble last Christmas when OW was here with X) is also displaying a reluctance to spend time with his Dad.

Since visitation is new, we are still working out the bugs. But he still wants everything HIS way. He lives around 2 and a half hours away from us (his choice) and has asked me to meet him at a point along the way for pick ups/drop offs. I haven't done so yet, and it only makes HIS journey easier, not the kids'. Coupled with this is that he alters visitation to suit himself. He picks them up late on Fridays, which I fully understand because of work, but he is dropping them back here earlier than they should be, saying the reason for this is that he has a long drive home.

This past weekend he dropped them off at 10.30am Sunday morning....no call to see if I was home, or if it was okay, he just dropped them and went flying off as fast as he could. Some friends say it was because he knew I was going out the previous night (I told him 'clubbing', hehe) and that he wanted to see if I had a man in my bed. Well I don't really care WHY, I was just so livid that he could be THAT inconsiderate to ignore the stated times he is supposed to have them for (until 6pm Sunday evening).

And now Christmas is coming and it is the first one the kids and I will be apart. They don't want to go, and my son even said that it was too soon, that they were still getting used to 'them' and couldn't we swap it for next year. I asked X if he would, and of course he said no. No surprise.

And yesterday, I declined the job I was going to have next year. Why? because the boss was very underhanded with me in trying to get me to teach in one area, but offering the one area I LOVE to someone else. He just didn't mention that other job to me. Someone else told me after the position was filled. Long story here, but he really upset me, and there are other issues about next year too. But what surprised me was how I felt that he had BETRAYED me. So I just went ahead and declined the job because I felt that, and still do, that NO-ONE, not even my boss is gonna pull the wool over my eyes again, and expect me to just sit back and be happy about it.

So much is going on here that I don't know how to think, but I just wanted to vent, and let everyone know a little bit of what has been going on.

Love and light,

Jacky

jack, where in blazes have you been?

i am praying for you and you know you are my closest friend on these boards.

God Bless you, poss.

A

Hi Jacky! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I understand how you feel regarding "trust" and how what we've been through seems to bleed into all facets of our lives. I deal with the same issues and try so hard not to let it affect my life in a business sense. But, it still does.

It's not in a profound way, just that I seem somewhat more suspicious of people's intentions than I use to. The attage that they are guilty until proven innocent.

We are works in progress, and I think the idea you realize that your trust feelings about your boss can somehow be tied to your husband's betrayal says volumes about your introspection of yourself. Meaning, you do see that you've changed (lost innocence), maybe not always good, but at least you understand why you feel the way you do. I admire that.

I know we're going to be okay ... but I'm told it's what we've learned that's most important through this life altering experience. One day I plan to post what that is for me.

Love to you Jacky. You've been very strong through all this.

Warmly,
Jo

<small>[ December 11, 2003, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Thanks Not My Will and Jo,

I am still sad over Christmas, but my parents and I decided to have our own Christmas before the kids go away. On Friday night next week, we will have a big dinner and the kids can open their presents from us. That way they get all day Saturday to play with stuff before they have to go away on Sunday with their dad. The kids seem pleased with this solution, but they still don't want to go with him (sigh).

Would you believe they replaced me already in that job? Strange how that happened so fast....not!

Love and light,

Jacky

Jackie it is good to hear from you.... It is frustrating as I can see also.... This was my 1st Thanksgiving without my girls.... so I was concerned also... and you know... things turned out alright and I survived.... I think it is a good idea as to your parents and a new tradition as the girls and I have started many new traditions......

The sad thing is seeing how your children feel about their dad and being a dad that saddens me. But then I realize their feelings towards him is because of his own actions.... and that helps me to make sure I dont act like he does and helps me to take self awareness....

Anyhow.... I hope your holiday is good.... I remember you are in Aust.... so I hope the weather stays warm as I will be there again in January......

<small>[ December 12, 2003, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: GSN ]</small>

GSN,

It saddens me too. The kids adored their dad before this, but now he shows them that he is a selfish man, and his new wife comes first. He told me that would never happen, and the kids would always be number one, but reality is that he is just used to not having the kids around now. He barely knows them now.

Thanks for the reply. It looks like it will be a hot summer here, so enjoy your stay in January. If you get into strife over here, and you need someone who speaks the 'lingo' just let me know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !

Love and light,

Jacky

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It saddens me too. The kids adored their dad before this, but now he shows them that he is a selfish man, and his new wife comes first. He told me that would never happen, and the kids would always be number one, but reality is that he is just used to not having the kids around now. This is the same in M's case.... She continues to try and get them to like the ROM and he showers them with gifts etc.... I have heard them talking about when she brings him to the house..... and can sense they dont like him mainly cause they see him trying to take my place, and I can sense that eventually they will be against mom for trying to make them like him.... Time will tell He barely knows them now. See this is my problem.... and not by choice like your X.... I am copied on all school reports, and the girls do talk about their activities and such, but there is no word as to Dentist Visits, checkups, etc. unless I query. And I feel I should not have to do that... I mean, when I have the girls, and like last weekend OD was sick with cold, and it sounded like the flu I took her to the emergency room at the onset..... and I left a voice message to X telling her I did, and to make sure OD takes her medication...... IT sucks that 80% of the time you do not know the health or mental attititude of your children. And the law is not much help either..... Mainly because of a selfious, pompous B....... the law lets them get away with it....

Your X does it by choice, and personally I would like to see him have his brain examined or actually I would like to examine it for him....

Thanks for the reply. It looks like it will be a hot summer here, so enjoy your stay in January. so is it dry? many brush fires? Last year there were plenty..... and I actually look forward to the trip (except for business) as it is somewhat of a vacation and I enjoy watching and learning..... If you get into strife over here, and you need someone who speaks the 'lingo' just let me know ! LOL, other that G'day and Cheers Mate I think I can understand most of the lingo...... although sometimes I stay and the Naval and Miltary Club down on (what the heck is the name of that street) and for convience go to the Champaigne Lounge two doors down and have made good friends with 3 of the bartenders and the owners..... Other times I have stayed at the Crown Plaza on the Yara? about 1/2 k from work and it is a nice walk... I love the shops and love bargaining..... The only real problem I have is when I run/jog there..... For the life (or death of me) I can not remember that the traffic is the opposite and on many occasion have almost become bug juice on a semi truck or cars' windshield......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Oh, and I am actually trying to arrange to bring the girls for a week if the X will allow it.... the last time I had talked with the schools and they said it would be a good learning experience for them, however the X ( feeling was she was jealous) would not allow it.... and hemmed and hawled till the last moment..... However I did get them passports and keep them at my house!!! as I can see that being an excuse.....

I sort of have a bit of the Christmas thing going on. The children will be with me Christmas Eve night then go to their dad's about noon. Leaves me with a long boring evening.

I know I should probably spend it with my mom as she is 79 now. She doesn't hear well and doesn't often wear her hearing aids so you never know what she did and did not hear. Half the time, when she wears them, the batteries are dead. But I am so lucky to still have her here and healthy.

George, you lucky dog, going back to OZ. I wish I could climb in your suitcase. Boy, was I lucky to get out of that place alive. Some day I have to go back and finish the adventure.

GSN,

That he is choosing not to be a part of the kids lives is the real killer for me. Kids are astute, and they already know who is the more important person in their Dad's life. And they also resent his telling them that they should like the new wife. Oh, he was also trying to tell ME the same thing last weekend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .

The two older ones really don't like her....she tries to bribe them, my son says. I don't know a lot of what happens at his house however, because I don't ask. I only know stuff when it comes from them spontaneously. And I know how well it went or not by the amount of damage control I have to deal with when they come home again.

Cinderella, I am lucky enough to be busy Christmas Eve, singing in the church choir. After that, I don't know what I will do. My mum wants me to sleep at her house so I won't wake up alone on Christmas morning. I will see how I feel about that when the time comes.

GSN, the Crown is a great place, but watch out for crime, as there have been a few people attacked there lately. Watch out for the traffic, and stay off the roads, lol! Have you been to Cloe's pub yet? And I haven't seen it, but they have revamped the Arts Centre, if you like that kind of thing.

Gotta go, kids are screaming at each other.

Love and light,

Jacky

Oh Jacky my girl...Again, we mirror each other..

You're being to easy on the x idiot my friend. He shouldn't be rewarded for his selfish behaviors. And the kids? I tell my son to be respectful to Ms. Family Preggo Wedlock Sleaze but that's that. I don't tell him he has to like her. And my x even said my son will not call her stepmom. He calls her Ms. C. That's it. He told her to her face "you're not ever my mommy I already have one".

I too don't intervene but if stuff comes back to me that I don't like, I say something via internet about it. That's all. But I stick closely to decree and don't give an inch more than I have to whatsoever. They have to learn consequences of their actions.

Your x is so selfish he's being destructive. And he should have to drive all the way.

I want to hear more good stuff about YOU. I am sorry about the job. I am praying for you and the kids. Praying for you to make it through. You're doing great btw..We are muddling through it together. And my x is marrying the OW b/c she's about to drop the baby. And baby needs a name...Only difference between her and the women from ghetto who as a profession have babies outta wedlock is the lack of a ghetto. She too sees this as a moneymaker and profession. I would like to have a contest here to see who can most accurately predict the demise of their x's Affair Marriage. I give my x two years. Two years of screaming children under his roof (all under five) and this playboy will be out again chasing more skirts...With his pocket a bit lighter. But I plan to take him back to court within a year hopefully before this golddigger can dig her claws into his money before she leaves. I don't have any hope for their successs whatsoever. And it's not out of jealousy, or anything. I know it will fail.

I think the OW/W is doing something harmful to their well being by bribes. You need to discuss with x here. If she has total lack of self esteem and thinks she is to buy t heir affection then she has serious issues within herself. Not positive reinforcement whatsoever for little ones. You don't get paid off to do the right thing. Doing the right thing comes from their own forming consciousness not from a selfish woman who wants them to do her bidding. I am sorry but you need to come down hard on that. And they'll see you as bitter and angry.

I have a theory now. They can see me as bitter and angry all they want. I am. I am angry for what my son has to endure at their selfish little hands. It's not about me, it's about son. And when my son is with my x on visitation, then it all changes...that time becomes 'IT'S ALL ABOUT PEACHY TIME."

Tell me what you do when "IT'S ALL ABOUT JACKY TIME." We love ya girl and want to see you get a killer job, put the x and the clickety idiot in her place once and for all and have one gorgeous knight find his way to you down under. YOu deserve it all.

Hi Jacky - I validate your vent!

Please take a little comfort in hearing you're not alone regarding the selfishness of your XH and his inability to be responsible. I could tell you stories that sound the same - as many others here can.

Please continue your practice to not "put down either the X or OW." It sounds as if your kids don't need the help. Stay squarely atop the moral high ground and let time work its wonders.

Thanks peachy and WAT. Your words of support are a real comfort as the time gets closer to be without the kids at Christmas. The kids seem okay now that we are having our early celebration here before they go with their dad, so that is the main thing.

We went Christmas shopping for me a couple of days ago, and the kids bought me a bath spa thingy, which they wanted to try out last night, and they loved it, lol. A gift for the whole family. The also bought me some jewellery which I haven't seen yet.

Looks like I won't be going out with the parents on Christmas Day after all. They got confused and wanted to go out on Christmas Eve (I can't because I will be at Church singing in the choir), so bookings weren't made in time. Oh well, I will just have a spa bath, and have a quiet day.

Gotta get ready for work now.

Love and light,

Jacky

Just had Christmas with the kids. It was awesome. Opening presents in the evening was great, since everyone was alert and happy, instead of tired and grumpy. Then we had a big meal with all the trimmings. I got to have my bit of Christmas with my babies after all.

They leave on Sunday, and I won't have them on the actual day, but tonight was so special, I am at peace. Parents and I decided tonight to have a bbq at their house on the 25th, so that will be something at least!

Thanks for replies, so far.

Love and light,

Jacky

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just had Christmas with the kids. It was awesome. Opening presents in the evening was great, since everyone was alert and happy, instead of tired and grumpy. Then we had a big meal with all the trimmings. I got to have my bit of Christmas with my babies after all.

They leave on Sunday, and I won't have them on the actual day, but tonight was so special, I am at peace. Parents and I decided tonight to have a bbq at their house on the 25th, so that will be something at least!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See I told you things would be good..... find things to do on xmas to keep you occupied.... and everything will be ok.... and it is ok to miss them.... you would not be the mom you are if you didnt.....

As for your other post..... Your ex is like mine.... trying to make changes to cover their mistakes and their new life.... and trying to make the kids accept it..... and you and I and others have to put up with it, explain it, and help the children understand it....

Yes I went to the arts center the last time I was there.... Cloes? never heard of it..... But hey, there is a brothel down from where I stayed that had billiards tables so I could play and practice.... talk about a weird feeling LOL....