Hi. I usually post on the EN boards.... but now I'm finding myself feeling like this board is where I need to be.

To bring you up to speed real fast... This is my second marriage. It's also #2 for hubby. Been married almost 2 years. He has 2 kids (they live with their Mom and visit EOW). I have 2 kids (they live with us and visit their Dad EOW). I am in the middle of a fight against breast cancer.

Here are the MAIN issues. Our kids. The beings we love most are destroying us. Our kids are the same ages. He has an almost non-existant relationship with my kids. He's not mean... just unattached. It's almost like he's afraid that if he shows any emotion to MY kids... it will somehow take away from HIS kids. Then there's the money issues. He pays a HUGE amount of monthly child support. Even so, his ex refuses to buy ANYTHING for their kids. She constantly sends them to our house asking for things... shoes, coats, boots, etc. We argue about it. I tell him that is what the child support is for. He says "too bad. I have no control over what my ex does with the support. If she won't provide for my kids' needs, then I will." It infuriates me. I do NOT want his kids to go without anything!! However, his ex is taking us for a ride big time!!! Also, whenever I buy anything for my kids, he has to buy the same for his. Again... it's like he's afraid of mine having something that his don't. We've tried having "our" money.... didn't work. Too much of a power struggle over how it gets spent. Now we're both keeping our money seperate. I HATE that.... it makes me feel like his room mate rather than his wife.

Then there's my cancer battle. I'm sorry to say, that my husband has been absolutely NO support to me. He's not gone to a single doctor visit, chemo treatment, radiation treatment........ NOTHING!! I tried to share details with him. It's like talking to a wall. He has told me that he can't deal with it, so he doesn't want to be involved. Well.... sorry if I sound cold here, but I NEED him to be involved. I've told him this many times... no change from him. This has hurt me so deeply. I fear I will never be able to get over my disappointment in him.

And finally, back to the kids, he has vocalized on more than one occasion that THEY are #1. I don't have so much of a problem with that.... as I have a problem with him not making me #1B. I never want him to be less involved or do less with his kids. What I do want, is for him to be MORE involved and concerned about me. I feel like nothing even close to a priority in his life. He SAYS that I am always a priority for him. Yet his behavior says very much otherwise.

Sex...... it's non existent. Was great before we got married. Now it's been....... geeze, I actually lost track of how long it's been. Let's just say it's been many months. I tell him all the time that I need that closeness with him. Again.... like talking to a wall.

I feel that my priorities right now need to be on my health. However, I can't just sit idle in my marriage. It's very emotionally detrimental to me. He says he very much wants to work things out. He says he loves me very much (I truly don't feel like he does). I asked HIM if he would take charge of getting us a marriage counselor. He said he wants to go, yet he hemms and haws.... has every excuse in the book... he's too busy at work, he doesn't know where to look in the phone book.. and on and on the excuses go. Yet... when it comes to ANYTHING regarding his kids, he JUMPS to get it done NOW! I can't help but feel resentful.

I don't know why... but I do still love him. I just don't know if our marriage can be saved.

What do you all think? Would you pick up the phone and get a marriage counselor instead of waiting for hubby to do it?? One voice tells me to do it. Another tells me if I'm that unimportant to hubby... then so be it. I just know that I'm very stubborn and this is one time that I do NOT want my stubborness to get in the way of me doing the right thing.

What do you all think?
Thanks,
Sarah

If it's important to you, then do it.
Pick up the phone and find a marriage counselor.
You have much more going on in your house than just M problems.
Did any of the kids go to an counseling for divorce or adjustment? Perhaps that would help in setting boundaries.
I even printed out the state guidelines for child support which shows that each parent is responsible for the children's needs when they are with them, ie boots, etc. My X has the opposite view than your H - he's responsible for nothing.
And the cancer just throws more stuff into the mix. You want emotional support, and he's unable to give it. Many men (sorry for the generalization) fear health issues, and would rather bury their heads. Did you ask him to attend appts with you, or just hope he'd ask?
Work through the EN list again with him and explain that with the C, some things have changed, and you'd like to work with him on recovering what you had in your early M.
It's worth a try - esp. since the alternative is D - and who wants to do that twice.Good Luck.

Make an appointment with a counselor right away, and if he won't go - you go. My H and I were involved in a similar situation - he has 2 kids, and 2 step kids. I have 2 kids. I took on the role of mother because his kids' mom is a drug addict. I bought them things, paid for their cars, took them to doctor, cooked for them, went to school things, etc. He did nothing with my kids, very uninvolved. But no matter how much was done for his kids, it was never enough. Even when their dad died and left them a little bit of money, they were jealous. There was no pleasing them. Now H has an OW - Sorry, but she can deal with the mess. I am tired and sucked dry. However you need to go to counseling, because otherwise your marriage will suffer. Good luck.

Thank you for your responses. I think I will go ahead and call a counselor. I'll have to put aside my stubborness and just do it. That way... if things don't work out, I won't look back and wonder if I should have made the call.

If only he wouldn't keep doing things to infuriate me, so that I WANT to make that call! Last night, my daughter was up most of the night, literally crying from a bad ear infection. He had the nerve to moan about her keeping HIM awake!! I was just disgusted......

Sarah

follow your heart. You probably already know deep down what steps you need to take. Believe me, your heart will give you the answer

follow your heart. You probably already know deep down what steps you need to take. Believe me, your heart will give you the answer
This is the worst advice you will hear.
This is what most wayward spouses do in an affair. And look where it gets you and them.

Your heart is wounded. You shouldn't let it be the guide for your actions anymore than you would go skiing with a broken leg.

DON'T follow your heart. Yes. listen to it but it should not rule your actions.
Just as feelings are there and valid, that doesn't mean we should always do what we feel.

Stop & take a deep breath before you make any hard or big decisions.
Read the links below.

<small>[ December 12, 2003, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Again, thank you for your responses.

I must be totally messed up. EACH response I read, I agree with!! What's up with that??

I know I can't make any life altering decisions hastily, anymore than I can sit around idle and let things "just happen". I know I sound like I'm all over the board... it's because I AM!!!

Taking it one minute at a time...
Sarah

Sarah, hang in there, I am where you are also! God bless and take care of your health. FYI: you are not messed up, just open to ideas. I agree with the other posts also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />