Question I have...

This is my 1st Christmas without H around, I know this might sound childish but my H alway bought my presents(did a good job at it). I just feel sad that I probably won't have anything under the tree with my name on it. My boys of course will buy me something but ones in college means no money so they can only do so much. Do I buy presents for myself and wrap them so my boys won't feel sad, because we always would open the presents one at a time and everyone took turns. I'm not buying a lot of things for them but....

Am I making a bigger thing out of this then I should? I just don't want any saddness X-mas morning.

Thanks
LJ

lj1122

Of course you should buy and wrap a few presents for yourself! They should be very nice things that you really want and maybe haven't gotten because of $$ or whatever. They should be from Santa.

Merry Christmas and although I don't know your story, I wish you the best. Stay strong and things will get better with time.

DD

My second Christmas w/o X and I will buy & wrap presents for myself. My children are young, so they need to see that everyone gets something from "Santa".
However, my X never bought me any presents any other year, so this is no change.

LJ as Devasted said....I bought one present for me from each of the girls, something that I wanted or something that I needed for the house... I also bought some things (small) from Santa to me..... I even fill my stocking (coal and switches as usual <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). But I figured I did not want the girls feeling sorry or having a pity party for me.... and it worked.....

I take my kids to a big department store, give them some money and an idea of what I would like, and they choose one thing each, hide it from me and wrap it themselves. They get such a BUZZ out of it. I do this for my birthday and Mothers Day too, because the children want to give me presents.

I also go and buy a good present for myself. Last year it was some new bed linen, since all my other stuff was from the marriage. This year I am buying myself a cordless phone, so that when their Dad calls I can hand it to them instead of them crowding around the computer, where I keep the current phone.

Love and light,

Jacky

PS: (Edited to say this) Up until this year, I have bought presents for their dad. They pick it and wrap it etc. But this year, since he is back in Australia, he says he wants to handle that. Okay by me, less presents to buy. Do your kids want to get something for their Dad? It may be very important to them...it was to mine, and we do have to think on what the kids want to do at times like this.

<small>[ December 12, 2003, 04:35 PM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>

It's funny but not until today did I even think about what would happen x-mas morning. It made me sad at first to think I wouldn't have any presents. When I think about it I like the idea of buying what I want and putting it under the tree. We always say from santa or the dog or the elfs so the kids wouldn't even know.

Besides I act like my boys are little, their young men so they and I will be fine. I did order a coat for H and having one of the boys give him that and the younger one said he is giving him a gift certificate. I will also make sure he has something from the dog (we always do that).

It will be so strange Christmas morning 23 years of Christmas with my H and this year just feels empty. I will do everything in my power to make it just as festive for the boys but my heart will be sad. I'm sure so won't their but we do have each other. My boys have come up big time for me and their love is so pure. I thank God every day I have them and I am very grateful.

I feel sad that my H lost that, the boys do love him but it's different know. The family is not a unit with a mom & dad any more. I remember my older son saying very proudly when away at college "Mom and Dad you are the only ones of a lot of my freinds that are still married".

Oh well, I like your responses and
Nina - what a great idea, you seem to have it right.
Devastated_Dad - Merry Christmas to you also. Newly - you always respond to me. Thank you
GSN - I agree no PITY PARTIES.

LJ

Always, I get something. I get an Easter basket too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Make sure their dad gets something from them. Usually, I tell them how much money they can spend and let them do the choosing. They were 4 and 2 when he left so he's gotten some interesting presents. One year I told my mom to take the children and see that they got me something. I got paperback children's books and it was fine.

(X does not always do the birthday thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

My ex didn't buy good presents in the first place. HE was more important than anyone in our family.....nonetheless ---> our first Christmas WITHOUT HIM was the start of wonderful holidays!

Priority -- the kids have to attempt at making some presents. Also --the animals are great shoppers! I remember getting a wonderful little rice cooker from the dog and cat! I still think of them fondly every time I use it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I started new traditions WITHOUT the kids. We go out and get a REAL tree -- the ex is now doing artificial at his house. We go out and get a new ornament for each of the kids. We make it a *thing* we do together. (I have older kids also -- so it's affordable for them). A couple of years back when the kids were NOT making their own money, they each got cash from me (nominal amount of $20). We all went to the dollar store. It was a RIOT finding all these dollar items, each trying to outdo the others.

Christmas is what you make of it. You can choose to be sad on Christmas morning or choose to be happy. I spent the last 4 Christmas mornings by myself -- blessed that I was seeing the kids later on, and blessed that I was away from an empty marriage where my husband CHOOSE not to even CARE about anyone but himself on Christmas.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Joyful blessings from my house to yours! Fill the house with wonderful smells on Christmas morning! Start a new tradition, totally different and new to you! Be it having hot chocolate in bed, listening to Christmas music or filling the tub with glorious bubbles and lighting the room with as many candles as you can! Thank God for a reason to celebrate -- have this year be a celebration of not only the birth of Jesus, but the birth of wonderful tommorrows for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The first time my ex ever gave me a 'Christmas' Present was after he left... UGH - Chocolates - CHEAP ones at that.

I always make sure the kids have some money and someone to take them shopping. sometimes it's me - or sometimes it's their sister (my oldest is in college) or sometimes it's my mom or a friend.

I think my favorite gifts have been the ones they pick themselves. My youngest daughter got me a coffee mug I still use every day - like about three years later. My older daughter buys me clothes all the time - she has great tastes.

My boys have bought me everything from color books (to color with them) to books to read (to them) to shoulder totes (to carry their books in). Last birthday - my youngest son bought me "smelly stuff" - he has such a way with words. He'll either charm his wife into loving him - or drive her crazy!

Jan

LJ think about this one..... the fact that you will wake up with your children on xmas morning... There are many of us out there (WIFTT, LIL, and others) that do not get that. Sure it may not matter to your H or X but that is his problem.... There are many of us Fathers out there that would cut off both their arms and legs to have that.... to have their family.... but in our case it was not because of our choosing....

So in that, count your blessings.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> the shoe could always be on the other foot....

WIFTT, LIL, GSN -- the door is always open! You are most welcome to come and celebrate Christmas with us! Honestly...I KNOW what it feels like waking up Christmas morning by myself. You are so right when you say it's different on the other foot.....but, with that said, I decided I could have *Christmas* any weekend I wanted, and have done so for the past 4 years not having my kids. I urge all parents that have the *Christmas* trauma without their children to have a weekend on their own that is designated as their *Christmas*.

This is the 5th year that I will not be waking up on Xmas morning with STBX. As a control measure, he has refused to go to my mom's for any holiday, vacation etc since we physically split 5 years ago. (He still lives in the marital home, but we have not shared rooms or intimacy in over 5 years). Since he thinks this is something that is really important to me, he thinks that he punishes me by not going. (of course he would have some other mumble jumble to say about why he doesn't go, but this is just another one of his attempts to have an upperhand in my feelings about holidays).

I think he has missed out on all these Christmas mornings with his children.... by his choice. He has always been invited to make the trip home with us, and always he declines. My youngest stopped believing in Santa 2 years ago, and I think it's tragic that he wasn't there for the last years that she felt that magic. How sad for him that he would be so selfish....

He was never the gift giver.. the largest gift I ever got from him was what was meant to be a teen's birthstone ring that was under $50 and that was one time before having kids ...... and now that he doesn't attend the holiday he doesn't bother to send gifts for me from the kids.
The past 2 years I have wrapped up and left behind gifts for him to open... for the kids' sake, not for sympathy of him being alone.

This year, with the divorce 3 months away from being final, and with him spending the holidays on The Riviera and in Venice for 3 weeks, I'm not going to bother with any gifts for him. He wouldn't be home to get them until mid January... so there is no point to it. I'm sure that he didn't bother to take the kids to get me anything again. It makes the girls feel so awkward to not have something to give me.. I feel so bad for them... they still try to make me homemade cards, and such... but since they are already teens, they feel like homemade cards are insufficient and it embarasses them.

I never thought about giving them money and setting them loose in the mall to buy something for me... but it might be something that I could do that would make them feel better about gift giving. I think that putting things under the tree to myself, from myself, would feel just as empty to me. Of course, my kids are old enough that providing a Santa facade isn't an issue...

I think you should do whatever feels right to you.
I will just do without xmas morning gifts this year again and hold onto the hope that the future will be much brighter with perhaps someone in it that will allow me to genuinely feel the holiday spirit once again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I never thought about giving them money and setting them loose in the mall to buy something for me... but it might be something that I could do that would make them feel better about gift giving. I think that putting things under the tree to myself, from myself, would feel just as empty to me. Of course, my kids are old enough that providing a Santa facade isn't an issue...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Depending on how old the kids are, you can mark out a territory where they can go while you sit and sip a cappuchino. OR have a friend or relative take them for you. My kids have done both and have LOVED it! Now -- they are older and making their own money. They are taking the time to think of others and also to find those *special* gifts for ones they love. My oldest, who is very strapped for cash, went all out and is making some incredible soap products for everyone.

As for getting something for yourself from Santa -- I did it for the sake of the kids. When the kids were smaller (the youngest STILL believed in Santa when we split). How could she still believe in Santa when Santa brought the kids presents and forgot Mom???? Does it feel strange? Sure it does! But now, SANTA still buys ME a present and the kids eagerly await to see WHAT it is. Usually it's a game for the whole family or something the whole family needs (like an appliance -- we got a smoothie machine last year!). Hopefully, finances willing, I'd like Santa to bring a DVD player!

Regarding a DVD player... I was at SunCoast store yesterday in the mall and they had a large stack of DVD players for $49. It was the lowest that I had seen one.. maybe Santa should go to SunCoast??? <Smile>

Well last Christmas, my H got me nothing. This was before his A. He bought things for people at work, friends, his family, and his favorite bar maid. He ran out of money for me. I was stunned. Now that he is living with OW at least I have some advance warning. I'm buying me lots of presents - new hot pads for cooking, new underwear, a box of tiny perfumes (7 different ones). I can hardly wait to open them Christmas morning.
The best part of Christmas for me and my boys is that we always pack a bag for a homeless person. In the days before Christmas, we get an athletic bag, and me, my boys and neighbors fill it with things. I always tell them to think of what they would want if they were homeless. We put in a flashlight, sweatshirt, radio, snacks, and $20. Then on Christmas morning we get in the car and drive around until we find someone and give it to them. Last year we found a guy at the library who was reading the Bible. We walked up and gave him the bag and told him "Merry Christmas". My H's little girls from a previous marriage were with us and as we were driving away she said "I'm so thankful that we're not poor." The truth is she and her sister are very disadvantaged, and have never had enough of anything. It made it a wonderful day. Hope all here have the best Christmas ever.

Thanks for the tip MsMink! I'm not in the U.S., but I'm sure I can find some deals here too! Merry Christmas! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks to all that replied....

Gsn - you are so right in saying that I'm luck to have my children X-mas morning. I in no way want to undermind others hardships. My stbxh already said how hard it will be not be with all of us on Christmas morning. But his was his choice I know some of you have no choice and I am so sorry for that.

Believer - What a nice thing to do and teach your children about the true meaning of Christmas.

God bless you all!

Lynda

You know, I've pretty much always taken the kids out to buy my presents--be it for mothers day, birthday, anniversary or Christmas--because I knew if I didn't-I wouldn't get anything--

I know...sounds like a Disrespectful judgement--
and that "I" didn't give their dad a chance, but I learned even when he had the chance--he didn't do it--

heck I even learned that if I wouldn't have shopped for Christmas--the kids wouldn't have gotten anything--

Sometimes I'd take them to the Dollar Store, other time's I'd take them to Wal-Mart--

I don't even take my kids to buy their dad a present anymore--I figure if I have to take them to get something for me--he can take them to get something for himself--it works both ways--the first year after he left--he didn't 'think' to do that--and didn't get anything--but, he learned first hand how I felt the few times I left it up to him to take the kids shopping--and the funny thing was-- he called me asking why I hadn't taken them to get HIM something--I just explained-"the same reason YOU never took them to get me something, I figured if it was THAT important to you, that you get something from the kids, you'd take them--just as I have had to do over the years"

I know he was hurt--but at that point--I really didn't care--because I knew he was only feeling the consequences of his choices--but, it's something he doesn't do very often--and you know--
I didn't even feel guilty--and since that time--he has taken the kids shopping to get himself something--

So if your ex's don't take your kids shopping for you--don't take them shopping for them--but take them out to get you something--it's just one more consequence of the divorce--and one your ex will have to eventually face--

At my kids' school, they have Santa's Secret Shop. They ahve lots of little things that the kids can buy for members of their family. Each item only costs a dollar. I give my younger son his money and he does his shopping there. I take the older two to a dollar store and let them buy gifts. They used to buy their dad and his wife gifts but decided not to this year since last year, he stopped buying them gifts. I left it up to them. If they had chosen to buy for him, I would have let them.

Before I got remarried, my mom would take my kids and let them pick out a few inexpensive gifts for me. They were so excited seeing me open mine. (Before their dad left, I got nothing because he wouldn't take them to get me anything)

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />