Ok, so I posted a couple of days ago about how the XH's live in GF would be leaving, and how he confessed his undying love for me, saying that he missed everything that we had.

My curiosity got the best of me today, and I called their house and asked the GF if it was really true she was leaving. She said she didn't have time for this, and hung up on me. Then I called my XH to try and figure out which one of us he was lying to. It seems that she made the decision to leave on her own, and he just sort of thought that I'd be there to pick up his pieces as soon as she drove east. He didn't say that in so many words, but he didn't deny when I asked either.

I feel like now I am being treated as some sort of runner up, now that his first choice decided to go back home. All my "why" questions have been answered pretty much. He's telling me all these wonderful things now, because she won't be here, and because he hates the idea of being alone, and he hates being broke all the time. I don't think he really cares about me in the least little bit.

Stephan, you offered up some wonderful advice the other day (about not looking "desperate and pathetic"). I know that time heals all things, and nothing in life is impossible. I just don't know where I belong anymore. I have been a part of this particular "us" for so long, I don't know if we could really make it work because we love one another, or if we are just grasping because it's familiar?

skip <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Me......I would not be second choice to anyone period. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Skippie,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd be there to pick up his pieces </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">for better or worse,,, til death do us part.???

By no means am I implying to allow certain behavior,,
God does tell us that adultry can be grounds for forgiveness.

You grab your XH by his ears, or maybe in a more paticular area, where he seems to want some attention,,(meaning his heart ok??) tell him you do not, and will not condone such "selfish" behavior. and blah blah blah,,,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like now I am being treated as some sort of runner up, now that his first choice decided,,,, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">feelings are neither right or wrong,,they're like the wind, they can, and do change. As they "will" change. Do you understand what i'm really saying? Please don't take me wrong, you have a "right" to feel, to hurt and be angered,,,i'm only saying feelings can/will and do change. You have to grief, and hurt to begin the healing stage,, the moving forward, rather it be with your xh, or a new.


First choice,,, who was his first choice? was it you he asked to marry?
Didn't your XH leave you, (his first choice) to fling with his second choioce, the OP?
I truly understand how you would feel like second choice,,but they did quit, right?
As i'm under the impression she's left feeling bothered by something as well. She did hang up on you,,

I feel i need to say this, by no means am i defending your xh, or his actions and behavior, there's absoluetly no excuse for such,,,
I support what this site is about, marriage builders. At the same time, i don't want to leave the impression of trying to change your mind, that would be wrong, all i can do is hopefully leave you feeling encouraged, to recover, reconcile, or stay married, or re-marry ex's. Its actually happening ,ore and more. But you and only you could truly know what you want.
What i'm hearing from you is there is more of a chance fo rthis, than you've come to terms with so far.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All my "why" questions have been answered pretty much.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With your why questions being answered, this can be considered a good thing,, that can become behind you now.
The "pretty much" has me wondering??


Has XH said he doesn't want to be alone, and hates being broke? Or is this what you're hearing from him?
To be honest, i too hate being broke, as i hate being w/o the lady i choose to spend the rest of my life with, my team player, as my partner and companion, and the mother to my children,, in my opinion, she doesn't owe me any answers,, myself, if we were to reconcile, there's not one question i would ask as to "what" happened, i only want to know why, so as i can do what it takes to prevent such an "event" from occuring again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been a part of this particular "us" for so long, I don't know if we could really make it work because we love one another</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes "love" is never enough.

It actually makes more sense to start over with your current spouse, opposed to starting over with a new. Each of you already have the edge, you already know what each other likes/dislikes, right?

All your doupts, concerns, and questions are so typical, as they are normal in this type of situation.


I just don't know where i belong,,, i'm wondering, are you saying you have self doupts, about your relationship with xh,,do you have a need to feel connected to your xh? Are you trying to deny certain things? If so, what?
How angred are you?
Confused? who wouldn't be?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like now I am being treated as some sort of runner up, now that his first choice decided to go back home. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I may be wrong, but I believe you were actually his first choice

I had the same thing happen where the WW came back to me saying she wanted reconciliation and she was the one who ended it.

OM's W told me that was the day HE decided to end it and move back home with her. Kind of funny how that seems to work.

What's the famous Dr. Phil line. "Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?"

You can tell a person's "first choice" by what they put first and foremost in their life. What they dedicate their time and effort to will be their true #1. If your WH is now doing a 180 and putting you first and giving you his time and effort then you are #1.

As hard as it is to accept, we may not always be #1 in a persons life. But we can take pro-active measures so the other person WANTS us to be their #1.
It goes back to the not looking "desperate and pathetic" and truly working on improving yourself to make you more desirable in their eyes.