Hi, I am a 29 Y.O. male. Live in Lansford, PA. I just found out that my wife is cheating with someone twice her age. I am furious!!! I have suspected for quite sometime! Just got confirmation. Murder seems like a viable option!!
But, I cannot resort to that! She lies, god the lies, how they pile up! How can anyone be such a liar? [deleted]. Sorry all for that last part!! I was very angry!! Anyway, you can read her side and mine. Mine is called "wife doesn't care, nothing I do works" her is called "why should I stick around"

Thanks you all!! I am sorry for the bad spirit!!

<small>[ December 14, 2003, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: tried2much ]</small>

Tried, this is not a dating service. This is a marriage building site.... There is some good information here that can be helpful to you either in trying to get through this or to save your marriage......

I too found my X dating someone almost twice her age.... and she is 45!!! and yes it hurt like he!!, and yes like you I wanted vengeance.... but in coming here I also found that I helped create the problem and wanted to learn to either become a better Husband, better partner in a relationship, and to learn how to prevent things like that from happening......

Yes it takes awhile and it does hurt, and your hurt is fresh.... I would suggest reading Surviving an Affair or Surviving Infidelity to help you get a handle on your feelings and also to get a handle on why Affairs happen.....

The good thing is you are only 29 and there is a lot of opportunity for you in new relationships if you learn communications and relationship skills....... But just trying to find someone to meet your needs or in an aspect to get back at your W is not going to help things.....

There is always hope... Either in Divorce or Marriage..... it is your choice.....

You need to change your name cause you don’t seem to have tried anything at all, let alone triedtoomuch.

I am ready to meet your needs!!!! If you meet mine!!
That seems to be the problem.
A marriage is about giving.
It is not about I will do something for you if you do something for me first.

Slow waaaaaaayyyyy down.
Read some more and take care of yourself before you;
1 - end your marraige
2 - think your marriage/relatiosnhip is really “over”.
3 - start looking for a new relationship.

deleted

<small>[ December 15, 2003, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: tried2much ]</small>

This has to be one of the most frustrating things a person can go through. It is funny how two people can see the exact same thing, and can have two completely different interpretations of it. My side, her side. Through it all, if you managed to read both post, All I can say is, I made mistakes before and during our marriage, and continue to do so, so does she ("so don't she", if your from RI). Anyway, I have read and/or listened to the books or tape books of 'His needs, Her needs', 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', 'Mars and Venus in the Bedroom', 'Relationship Rescue', 'Survivng Infidelity', and I am currently reading 'How to Get the Love You Want'. I am willing and able to change, but my wife just doesn't seem to want to do anything, except end the marriage. I started trying to reconcile, to do what I have learned in the books. I have learned alot about what I have done wrong in the past. I also realized what my needs were, and realized why I was and am angry with her. I threatened divorce many times, made disrespectful judgement (DJ's), called her names, etc. in the past because I wasn't getting what I needed in the relationship. I knew that my needs were not being met, neither were hers. I just didn't completely understand it all. Now I know alot more about it, not all, just more. I have made alot of improvements, but, I am still far from perfect. I try and try, but she just keeps me at arms length saying that she is not willing to open up and be hurt again. I try to be nice, have civil conversation about our problems, but, she just keeps saying that, and making what sounds like excuses to me. She continually dredges up the past, and is always looking for another reason to throw at me, so that we cannot reconcile. She is so cold and cruel, it drives me over the edge. That's when I degress back into the DJ's and the name calling, it's not like I wake up in the morning, and start calling her names, I can only take so much till I regress. She even admits that she was intentionally hurting me for months, just so I would feel her pain. I am the one who originally came to this site and insisted on doing the emotional needs questionaires. I did completely change to meet her needs according to the questionaires, but, now she says that's not what she really wanted anyway. Also, she just isn't willing to meet my needs, or is only willing to "do what she can" and "if that isn't good enough for me, oh well!". The frustration of being told "oh well", "you never needed that stuff in the past", "I'm just not that way (loving, affectionate, or sexual)", "you need to back-off" or "get out of my face" (which I'm not suppose to take personally, according to her) when I want to hug, kiss, and cuddle all adds up to one thing to me, "REJECTION". This creates so much frustration for me, I just want to explode. Plan 'B' towards me is her way of life. It is not really her affair, that is just salt in the wound. She said that she was willing to work on our marriage, but, in my eyes that amounted to almost nothing. She is not willing to lift a finger to read a book, or tell the truth at marriage counseling. She dramatizes everything I do. She exaggerates things in my eyes, or fails to keep them in the right place in the timelime when she tells people about events. She exaggerates our horrible relationship, and down plays her relationship with this other man. She started having her relationship with him in or around May or June. When confronted about it in July she denied it all until I threw the proof at her (the first separation), I told her that she must stop seeing and talking to him, she said she would but wouldn't quit her job (he was her supervisor) so that meant she would still have to talk to him for work related issues. Now, after 6 months of lying about her relationship with him, she finally admitted to continuing to see and talk to him, and now says she is in love with him. I basically told her she ahd till Friday to decide if she wanted him or me and our family. On Friday she said she is willing to work on our marriage, but refuses to sever her contact with him. She says "I work with him", I said find a new job then. But as with everything else, she is not willing to change, I am just an a-hole for making selfish demands. She then said that he has told his wife, and they are getting separated so that they (my wife and him)can be together. As usual, she sneaks off to other rooms in the house to call him, talks to him at work, etc.. This weekend I walked upstairs, and saw her with the phone. I asked her if she had talked to him. She said "yes", then told me that his wife just tried to commit suicide. Me, at my best asked her, "Are you two proud of yourselves?". It is hard for me not to make disrespectful judgements and love bust when you hear things like that from your spouse. None of it seemed to affect her at all. That pretty much lead to a weekend of misery for both of us and the kids! I get upset, angry, and bitter that it just seems so easy for her to ditch me, our family, our home, and our life because she no longer wants the burden, responsibilty, or to make the sacrifices necessary to save our marriage. She would rather move on to the unknown with someone almost twice her age (one year younger than her father) than work with what she has. Or as she would put it "I tried for the first eight years", and she doesn't want to do it anymore. She will be angry about this post, she'll say that I try to make myself sound innocent, that I'm the victim. I am not afraid to confront her anymore, quite frankly, being pissed at her feels much better, then feeling sad and depressed about it.
Her latest attempts for excuses are "I married her under false pretenses", and that I have a profile on an online dating service that I started after she told me it was over the first time. When she came back, I turned it off. When she told me it was over again about the 15th time I turned it on again, just after Thanksgiving when we had a sizeable argument. She also says I have a drinking problem, I go months on end without drinking, she doesn't tell people that. Then she says I'm just an A-hole when I drink. Fine, I'll quit drinking, what are you gonna do? Her response, "I'm done trying, I tried for the first 8 years of marriage". Anyway, what a saga!! I say we are both wrong, now lets fix the problem!!! Any suggestions?????

Whew! I made it to the end of your post! I think that your marriage is fighting for its life right now. And you are right that there are always TWO sides to every event.

I say we are both wrong, now lets fix the problem!!!

I am glad that you came to this conclusion.

Fine, I'll quit drinking, what are you gonna do

Please please please don't go down the path of negotiating tit for tat when your marriage is hanging on by the slimmest of threads. It won't work!!! Marriage is not a business arrangement so business-style negotiation won't help to make things better. We change ourselves because we want to better people, not to make someone else change too.

We want to save our marriages because we LOVE our spouses. Love doesn't keep score. Love is giving, and does not expect anything in return .....

It seems that you feel hurt (by your wife's EA??) and that you think you shouldn't have to be the one making amends here. In a perfect world, the WS would see this too. But that ain't how it works.

Read up about "The Fog". If that is where she is now (in an EA) then understanding about the fog will help you to react better to the kinds of things she is saying.

Finally,
That's when I degress back into the DJ's and the name calling, it's not like I wake up in the morning, and start calling her names,

No, my dad didn't either. You can forget about any chance of restoring your marriage if you keep calling her names. No one deserves to be treated with such disrespect and cruelty. This is your WIFE, whom you have promised to love, honour and cherish for life.

For most of my growing up years, I saw my dad call my mother all manner of names. He also went out and drank himself into a stupor from Wednesday (pay day) 'til Sunday. As kids, we believed what our dad said about our mother, we thought that he must be telling the truth and that SHE drove him to drink. Meanwhile, she went without and worked her guts out to raise us well.

It is your choice to change yourself.

Good luck to you both.

<small>[ December 15, 2003, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: Enigma ]</small>

Here's another couple of thoughts:

1. try posting over in General Questions II. There is usually more traffic over there.

2. Avoid reading your wife's posts. Let her tell the story from her point of view and figure it out for herself. Don't (whatever you do) try to CONTROL her view of reality - that is a BIG, BIG love buster. If she is in the grips of an affair, then any notion of reality will be gone for quite some time.

You may have to simply accept that the facts will be distorted and twisted beyond recognition - for now at least, until the fog clears.

When I discovered my husband's affair, I found out that:
* He wasn't "in love" with me - and hadn't been for quite some time.
*Our marriage was a "mistake"
* There was no point in trying counselling - "it was all over" (he cancelled sessions and didn't turn up)
* I was a "vicious, controlling b***** "

etc etc

You get the picture??? There ain't a lot you can do to try to convince them otherwise. You just have to change yourself to be a better person, and wait for the fog to clear.

<small>[ December 15, 2003, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: Enigma ]</small>

Hi Enigma,

I really appreciate your advice. I have been doing a lot of thinking about everything the last couple of days. And I guess I have come to some realizations. My wife is right. There is no point in pursuing our relationship any further. She says it best when she says that she just will not, and just can't meet my needs in our relationship. I would like to say that I made a lot of demands of her, and I wish I could truely believe that I was asking for to much.

She is angry about me snooping through her stuff, because she was caught in a lie! It tends to make people bitter when their caught doing that. If were married, does she have the right to privacy! When I say privacy, I mean the right to flirt with her boss, exchange e-mails with sexual content on a secret yahoo or hotamil account, tell each other how they want to be together, wear G-strings, thongs, see through and painted on clothing to work. Not to mention how she was sneaking them out of the house, that's what initially raised suspicion on my part back in June. She would come home from work dressed to kill, then dress like a hippy to go out for dinner with me. I have been embarassed on more than one occassion where my wife opens her mouth in public and makes fun of someone with a disabilty (loud enough that everyone in ten feet can hear it, or someone with a weight problem). My wife says I judge people, yes, she is right! At least I talk to them before I pass judgement! She is one of the most judgemental and selfish people I know! e.g. she felt necessary to tell our 8 & 10 year old that there was no such thing as Santa Clause, just because in some sadistic way, someone ruined it for her when she was a kid, so she feels the need to destroy and hurt our children the same way she was hurt. I can't blame her, she just doesn't know any better. She just doesn't realize what her role in life is as a wife and mother. How could she know? She never had a good example to live by!

Anyway, I am just going to give her what she wants. Freedom! After all, freedom for her, means freedom for me too!! Plan 'B' of sorts! For now, I am just going to improve myself. I saw a shrink today, and got a clean bill of health, of sorts. He still recommended individual counseling to help with the trauma that this whole event has caused me. Anyway, I am going to do my best to just completely remove her from my life. It will help if she would leave and stop tormenting me with her ignorance.
I am a better person than all of this, and I don't feel I have deserved the treatment I got! But, who cares, I moving on! Hip, hip, Horray for me!!!

I am quite confident that there are plenty of fish in the sea. One of my problems in life has never been meeting and dating women. I have a friend who is quite jealous of me, and just can't understand how I can meet and date women so easily. I went out the other night, and realized it's still there!! I just wish I knew what the secret was, I could make millions! It's just unfortunate that I wasted my time with this one. She turned out to be self-centered, childhood scarred, dud! Maybe, just maybe she'll finally grow up and face reality after all of this. I wish her the best in her new life with her fathers aged, cheating boyfriend. They truely deserve each other! (I am chuckling as I type this). I just hope they can show each other their true colors sooner than later.

As far as my wifes family, who will be sure to read this, I am not the one who cheated our marriage that lead to the end. You all knew me and the type of person I was when I lived there. Well, I made mistakes then, I was young and on my own! When I married Jenn that's exactly what I did. I committed myself to her! I made mistakes along the way, but, now that I realized I screwed up, She is not willing to reconcile. She turned to someone else and continually lied to me and you about it! But, I knew! I don't really care if you like me or not! All I can say is, I loved her and never stopped trying until the bitter end, she is the one who gave up on me! As far as the kids, I can discount any notions that anyone has about my son wanting to stay with more, all grounds being equal, he wants to stay here!!!

Thanks again for your advice. I intend to keep reading these post! It will help me in my next relationship. If Dr. Harley ever reads this, I think you have a beautiful program here, It really can help those who are willing to try! Through out this entire experience in my life, I can say if I needed advice or was feeling down, I could come here 24/7. This truely is a god send. I am sure that many people in their time of need have found comfort and strength in the words of the website and these discussion forums! Thank you all!! God Bless!!!

Sincerely,

Keith

<small>[ December 17, 2003, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: tried2much ]</small>

To everyone that is reading this I would like to say I am Jenn. I did tell my daughter Alex who is 10 that there is no such thing as Santa only after asking me and telling me that the kids in school say there is no such thing as Santa and that she wanted to know the truth. Um as for my son he is 8 still believes in Santa I am not that cruel. There are three sides to every story.. His side, her side, and the truth. Keith has a distorted memory and thoughts. He is not by any means innocent in any meaning of the word. I love him and I hope nothing bad ever happens to him. I am going to move on and I know he will too. I tried for the past 10 yrs to get through to him and to let him know that there were problems but it took him too long to realize it. I take my part of the blame on things going wrong.. Does he?? Thank you for reading.. Jenn

To everyone that is reading this I would like to say I am Jenn. I did tell my daughter Alex who is 10 that there is no such thing as Santa only after asking me and telling me that the kids in school say there is no such thing as Santa and that she wanted to know the truth. Um as for my son he is 8 still believes in Santa I am not that cruel. There are three sides to every story.. His side, her side, and the truth. Keith has a distorted memory and thoughts. He is not by any means innocent in any meaning of the word. I love him and I hope nothing bad ever happens to him. I am going to move on and I know he will too. I tried for the past 10 yrs to get through to him and to let him know that there were problems but it took him too long to realize it. I take my part of the blame on things going wrong.. Does he?? Thank you for reading.. Jenn

Keith,

I'm sorry to hear that YOU have lost hope of making things work. When WSs say that there is no hope, it is usually fogtalk. Guaranteed. My WS also decided that it was a waste of time trying to work the problems out - he came to this conclusion 6 weeks before I found out about the affair. I was away for 2 months on military training, came home to find he'd moved out. He, for the next 6 weeks, tried to convince me that he was leaving BECAUSE of me, then the truth inconveniently popped out that he was actually having an affair. All this time, he maintained that it was pointless trying. His affair was an exit affair - in his head he had left the marriage a long, long time ago and now all he had to do was close the door.

Is he any happier now, nearly a year on from starting the affair? Definitely not. He is almost on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and has been living with that amount of stress for nearly a year, I guess. He will not help himself by going to counselling. He still blames me for his affair. (which I laugh heartily at, since I didn't arrange their secret meetings and sex sessions in my bed!!!) He will never be able to move forward from this until he can accept responsibility for his actions. He has lost the respect of his family (the ones who can see through his lies) his circle of friends has dropped away, and he has formed a friendship with a couple who were both unfaithful in their first marriages. Birds of a feather??

I doubt that leaving in the manner he did has solved the problems that he was facing. Sure, there are no more arguments with me - but is his life better? what has he learned from this? Nothing so long as he keeps blaming me for his affair.

On the other hand, I have moved forward in leaps and bounds. I accept that I was difficult to live with at times. I have looked closely at the relationship, and see it for what it really was - diseased and toxic. There were two people both trying to be RIGHT all of the time, and never really listening to the other person. And only one person can win that game in the end.

This was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but it has also brought out the best in me. I have learned to be patient, and I have more peace in my life than I have ever had before.

I challenge you to find a way to grow and learn from this experience. So much of what is in your post is bitterness and blame. Find another way of seeing the world, without having to blame others all of the time.


A couple of other things stuck out to me from your post:

It's just unfortunate that I wasted my time with this one. She turned out to be self-centered, childhood scarred, dud!
This is NOT a forum for flaming others. You can do that in your own written personal diary (what, you don't have one?? Then go out and get one!!) but NOT here. That comment was meant to hurt your wife. CUT IT OUT!!!!!!!!

I am quite confident that there are plenty of fish in the sea. One of my problems in life has never been meeting and dating women. I have a friend who is quite jealous of me, and just can't understand how I can meet and date women so easily. I went out the other night, and realized it's still there!!

What do you want us to say here? "Go get 'em stud"???? I don't think so! !!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Your marriage isn't definitely not over yet (and it won't be until you are DIVORCED) and here you are boasting about your woman-magnet abilities. It kills me to think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> that there are so many single women out there who might get involved with you while you are on the rebound, or just taking a break from your marriage. I certainly wouldn't want you to come within a mile of any of my female friends given the anger and bitterness you are expressing.

And please, please, please DON'T go rebounding into another relationship!!!!! Take some time to find out who you are again, and figure out what you want from life. Not the easiest way, but the best way.

Onwards

<small>[ December 18, 2003, 05:33 AM: Message edited by: Enigma ]</small>

Keith and Jenn,

It's time you stopped trying to play for the sympathy of the masses and nuking each other through coded phrases - There is so much nastiness from the two of you, don't even pretend that either of you want to repair your marriage. You don't - not by what either of you have written. I'd say you're making this a contest on who can do the other the most collateral damage and psychological anguish.

STOP IT!!