My wife left Oct. 24, had already filed papers.
She tells her stepdaughter that she is fighting between her heart, which tells her to come home and her head, which tells her to stay away. If I call her, since she will not call me, and I tell her I love her she says she loves me too.
Any advice would be grateful. Thanks.

<small>[ January 03, 2004, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: oakachubby1 ]</small>

Need more information. What else is going on?

<small>[ December 13, 2003, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: oakachubby1 ]</small>

(Correction)
I have 2 daughters that live with me, 17 and 16 (mother passed in 88), wife has our child now 11.
All communication from her is through one of the daughters. She and daughter are living with divorced female friend. Said she felt ignored and unloved. That's all I think I know.

You need to start in Plan A. Read all about it here. Search under Plan A/Plan B or check out John39's or toomuchcoffeemans posts. Your marriage can still be saved, but you need to meet wife's emotional needs. Also right now start taking care of yourself and working on YOU. It is miserable to go through this, but things can get better. Since wife is gone, work on changing and getting on with your life. She will notice.

I must be missing something about plan A, it seems to me it has to do with infidelity. Could use a little help in understanding.
Thanks.

I must be missing something about plan A, it seems to me it has to do with infidelity. Could use a little help in understanding.
Thanks.

Plan A was based on infidelity, but is extremely useful when someone's love bank is empty.
The concept is to be the best person you can be, and identify your partner's most important emotional needs and show them that you can and will meet them. Don't tell them you'll meet their needs, actually show them. It takes time, especially when you aren't living together, but it's certainly worth the effort.
It's especially important that you avoid Lovebusters, and give the person the space they need to absorb the situation (ie. don't beg or call too much).
Also, if you are willing to go to counseling, suggest it - even find a counselor for the two of you if she's willing. Any positive steps you take will be observed.
Good Luck, and read up on plan A.

Thank you newly. I guess I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out and will take any advice I can get.
Went to my 11 year old D's school yesterday and had lunch with her. Surprised the heck out of her. Told her I was thinking of going back home for christmas and wanted to know if she would like to come. (Home is in MI, we live in LA, the state.) She said she would like to go but would have to figure it out with her mother.
So, today I call my MIL, she was shocked, and asked her if she would be around the first of the year and if it would be alright to bring D by. She said yes.
I go to my D's school for lunch again today and she gives me my food that she says her mother packed for me. Don't know what to make of that? I told her about talking to her GM and she wants to go. She loves to fly.
One other problem I seem to have and do not have any answer. My 16 and 11 year old are always trying to get the W to come home. My 16 year old is quite smart and she sees all the books and articles I have around and starts to read them. Then, she will just take them over to her SM. Of course, the W thinks I send them. I try my best to keep the kids out of it but they want to talk and understand, so I tell them what I know as fact but don't ask them to say anything to the W. Is this a normal reaction?
Thanks

Oakachubby, Yes, I think your daughters response is normal. First of all, they know you are hurting and they don't want you to hurt. It's hard to watch a parent hurting. Secondly, I assume they view your wife as their mother (you said their mom passed away in 88), and they certainly don't want the two of you to divorce. Many children try to get their parents back together.

You mentioned that your wife said, "she is fighting between her heart, which tells her to come home and her head, which tells her to stay away." You also mentioned that she said that she feels she has been neglected and ignored. LISTEN to your wife. Take into full consideration what she is saying. Somewhere along the way, she has felt this. Maybe it has been a long time. When she says she is fighting between heart and head, that means that she LOVES YOU but she is hurt! Her heart says, "stay" because her heart loves you. But her head says "leave" because she feels this is a miserable marriage and she believes it won't change. That is why people seek divorce. They think their marriage or spouse will never change.

You need to really examine yourself and your marriage. Now, I am certain that she is not "innocent" in her behaviors. I have learned that no two people are ever completely "innocent" in the troubles of a marriage. But for right now, she is the one making steps to leave and so you need to do some self-examination. Why does she feel ignored or neglected? Do you romance her? Do you help her around the house? Do you cherish her and praise her aloud? Do you help her with the children? Etc.

Have you asked her or has she shared why she feels ignorned/neglected?

She is still telling you she loves you and that is good. I don't think she truly WANTS divorce (most people don't though) but she sees no other option. You will have to work hard to show her that you can and are changing, that you are committed to her, that you are willing to listen to her grievances, that you are willing to sacrifice your needs to save your marriage.

I don't know if you are a Christian, but there are two really good marriage restoration sites I'd encourage you to check out. One is www.restorem.org (read their testimony and some of the other testimonies there!) and the other is www.rejoiceministries.org (read their testimony too!).

Also there are a couple of good books I'd recommend. One is called "How to Save Your Marriage Alone" by Ed Wheat. It is only $3.99 and small. You can order it at amazon.com or you can maybe find it at your bookstore. The other is called "How to Win Your Wife Back Before It Is Too Late" by Gary Smalley. It is more expensive and again, you can get it online or at a bookstore. Both are really good.

Your marriage is not without hope! It can change and be restored. But you will have to put forth some effort and work, applying wisdom and discernment.

May God bless and give you wisdom, peace, and strength!


She tells her stepdaughter that she is fighting between her heart, which tells her to come home and her head, which tells her to stay away. If I call her, since she will not call me, and I tell her I love her she says she loves me too.

Thank you all for your help. Just wanted to give you a little update. Thursday had a couple of things to drop off to my W. For the first time she came to the door and out on the porch. Not much was said, just alot of hugging. I told her that as much as I wanted to kiss her I would not because I know she needed her time. She asked me if she could take our daughter to MI for the holiday (papers say daughter is supposed to stay in state until everything is final.) I said sure.
Last night I took our daughter out to see her before she left. As we were eating, she said, "Dad, I have a plan." I have no idea where an eleven year old comes up with these things but she did. She would not tell me what her "plan" was but told me when I dropped her off that I couldn't leave right away.
I drop her off and I wait. Next thing I know my wife comes out to the car window and tells me our daughter says we are to go out on a date. Well, I know that is not going to happen but I had some time to spare before I picked up my other daughter so I asked her if she wanted to sit and talk. She hopped into the car. We talked about us for about an hour. Went very well. But the surprise was when I had to leave she reached over and hugged and kissed me.
Well, now they are on their way to MI, because she still says she needs time which I understand and have told her.
Any thoughts or comments? What does anyone think of and 11 year old being a matchmaker? I know she really wants to come home.
Thanks.

Wife in MI with 11 year old. My 2 oldest daughters scheduled to fly to MI on Christmas eve. One to see my parents, other to see her deceased mothers family. Could not work out pickup for one daughter and somehow wife got involved and said she would pick her up. I decided that if I could work it out I would fly up with the kids and drop them. Remember, wife is with her family and told me she needed some time. I called wife this morning and told her that we were thankful that she would pick up daughter but would not need to anymore and that she could spend more time with her family. Trip from airport to dropoff point and back to her home is about 8 hours. Well, she starts to cry and tells me she doesn't want to talk anymore.
Last I have heard, again it only happened this morning.
Any input on what I should do? Sure could use a little advice.
Thank you

Wait patiently would be my advice. What’s going on now? Has she called?

You know one thing Cerri said to me casually was “99% of men fail to realize that they have to go way above and beyond to get a woman back.” I think you’re on the right track. Did you send her a gift? Not something too lavish, or too personal, just enough? If not, just drop it off with a “Thinking of you” note.

Meeting needs when someone is so withdrawn is hard because she or he doesn’t trust you enough.

Good luck.

GG, thanks. I guess I should ask, who is Cerri?
Someone I should talk to? And last question, when you refer to trust-are you referencing my taking my daughters to their relatives? Could use a little more explaination.

To answer your questions-no she has not called. My 16 yr. old D tried to call and W had my 11yr old call back. 16 yr. old was not home at the time so youngest left a message.

Reference gifts-I have sent gifts to her family. Her parents are both remarried and W is spliting time between them. Also, sent gift to W and D.
Thanks again.

GG, thanks. I guess I should ask, who is Cerri?
Someone I should talk to? And last question, when you refer to trust-are you referencing my taking my daughters to their relatives? Could use a little more explaination.

To answer your questions-no she has not called. My 16 yr. old D tried to call and W had my 11yr old call back. 16 yr. old was not home at the time so youngest left a message.

Reference gifts-I have sent gifts to her family. Her parents are both remarried and W is spliting time between them. Also, sent gift to W and D.
Thanks again.

To give you an update. I took my 2 oldest to MI yesterday. My oldest went with my parents after I dropped her off. She is not real happy with Jill for leaving. My 16 yr old (Laura) decided she wanted to see Jill instead who was at her fathers. I spoke to Jill on Tuesday and had a chance to explain the situation how I saw it. She told me that she felt I was trying to control the situation and just didn't want to talk to me anymore the day I orginal told her about bringing the kids up myself. She said it would be nice if Laura came to visit her. So, after dropping my oldest off to my parents, I drove Laura to Jill's father's house. She met us at the door and asked if I wanted to come in. After saying hello to her father and stepmom, I asked Jill if I could speak with her for a moment in private, I had 4 items I wanted to tell her that I felt were important after our conversations. She sat on the bed, I sat next to her and held her hands and looked her in the eyes. I told her, 1. I would never hurt her intentionally. 2. I would never keep or hamper the kids from seeing her. I feel she is a good mother to them and they need her.
3. The hardest of the group. I told her that I didn't want her to come home if she was not going to give me the benefit of the doubt that I didn't mean to hurt her. I have made my mistakes but that I also need her help to tell me when she is unhappy. (something she never did before. and if she did I didn't here her). We discussed this at length and I think we came to the conclusion that we had to work together??. 4. I told her that I loved her.
We came out of the room and her parents said goodnight and went to bed. Jill knew I had to leave in a couple of hours to catch a flight back to Louisiana. She asked if I wanted to rest on the sofa and watch a movie with her, Laura and Melanie. I said I would stay for awhile. We sat down next to each other and she put her arm around me.
I could tell she was tired so I asked if I could rub her back and she could rest on my lap.
She said yes, so for the next couple hours she laid her head on my lap and I rubbed her back and legs. After the movie, I decided it was time to go and the kids and her needed to go to bed they had a long day ahead. We put the kids to bed and stood in the foyer and hugged and pecked awhile. It was snowing and she said I should start the car and heat it up to melt the snow. I did and came back in. We hugged and pecked some more and I said I should get going. She said we would talk more later. I gave her a final hug and kiss and left for the airport. What got me the most was how she started alot of the contact. I have told her about Dr. Harley and she knows I have been researching alot on why I was the way I was.
Sorry, so long. Just wanted to get this to you since it just happened Christmas eve.
Am I doing the right things? Seems like when we are together everything goes well and the is alot of good being done. Just trying to figure it out.
Thanks.

Plan A/Plan B! One day it's really good, the next ____, well not so good, divorce busting, lovebusting. How in the heck to proceed?
Sorry, all just venting.

Just keep Plan Aing, you have to show her its safe to come home. Don't pressure at this stage about the relationship.

She is hurt, emotionally drained and afraid. By pressing for answers you will drive her further away.

Work on yourself and SHOW her you've changed.

Hang in!

Thanks RWD.
I guess my biggest problem is the concept behind Plan A. I have tried to read everything I could about it but I am still having trouble figuring out what it is I am supposed to do. I do not have any OM and or OW in the picture.
I just need a little more guidance on how to Plan A.
In addition, I hear alot of reference to people in a fog. Still trying to get that one.

oakahubby,

slow down on your nervousness. . . first, an emotionally stable woman does not leave her husband unless she feels neglected or abused or taken for granted.

Now, you provide little information other than the present situation of locations of people, but you need to first understand that Plan A / Plan B is about meeting emotional needs of the other person. In order to do this, you have to figure them out. . I suggest that you also buy and read the book, love busters, which is available here and other places.

These plans and books are about behavioral changes you can each make to correctly show loving actions to your spouse in the ways that mean the most to the other spouse. The combination one two punch is to 1) STOP LOVE BUSTING, or unattractive behaviors that cause people not to love you any more, and 2) try to focus your efforts on making loving behaviors where your spouse will receive it the most.

That will be found in the emotional needs questionnaire that can be found within this site. If you read those questions, and answer them from your W's persective, then you will be able to effective start to win your W's heart back, and yes, dating your W is a very important part of a marriage relationship. . .

read, read, read, and counsel with the Harley's. .

now the fact that her head is telling her to stay away means that there is some behavior that she perceives is threatening to her.

Do you have any ideas what behaviors she could be seeing that she would want to run away from you?

wiftty