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#762124 12/13/03 11:45 PM
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7
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Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7
I am totally at a lose for what is going on in my marriage. I had an affair eight months ago and didn't really handle it the way I should have. I kept things from my husband up until two and a half months ago. Prior to that he said he wanted to try and work it out, but now he doesn't know what he wants. I know he wants to date other women and be sexual with them, but at the same time continue to be married to me and live under the same roof. I am totally distressed about this. I realize he has a self esteem issue now and this would help boost his ego, but still, it isn't the way to go about fixing our marriage. I guess now I am getting really tired of hearing him talk about other women and am confused as to why he won't work on our marriage. We are in counseling and I am in therapy on my own. I don't know what to do. I am so tired of this and I feel emotionally and mentally drained. Sometimes I feel dead inside because I am so hurt by the things he says to me. So, if anyone has ever gone through anything like this, I would appreciate your opinion.

#762125 12/14/03 03:43 PM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
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Becca if you've done a good Plan A (no love busters and meeting his EN(emotional needs)) you may now want to consider implementing Plan B. While Plan B is usually for the BS to implement when the WS is unwilling to end the affair and commit to rebuilding the marriage, it can also be implemented in cases of physical or verbal abuse. Plan B will help to preserve the love you have left for your H by taking yourself away from his abusive behavior, so that when he's finally ready to treat you with respect and commit to rebuilding the marriage, you will have enough love left to be able to survive the initial hard part of marital recovery. Here's what Dr Harley says about separation:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In general, I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior. An ongoing affair, of course, is one of those situations. Hence, plan B. But other situations such as physical and verbal abuse, where one spouse's mental or physical safety is as risk, are also grounds for separation. As in the case of infidelity, if one spouse is abusive, I often recommend plan A first, where, through negotiation (without anger, disrespect or demands), an attempt is made to overcome the abuse without separating.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may want to post this thread over to the infidelity general questions II forum to get more feedback.

#762126 12/14/03 06:53 PM
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 5
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Joined: Dec 2003
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Hi Becca, I definately know how you feel. My husband after several years tells me that when we lived in Alabama people were saying he was sleeping around. These were his relatives and a small town, they would not have said it if it was not true. Needless to say I am still with my husband but we are doing a separation without leaving the house. "You may want to read Should I stay or Go?" by Lee Raffel. This book speaks of CS (controlled separation). My husband and I signed the CS contract today. I hope things work out for you -- what ever that means to you.


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