My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs married for 8 of those 10. We have had our ups and downs and all arounds through the years and well I am finally fed up. About 6 or 7 months ago my husband told me some shocking news, when he he was stationed out in CA for schooling that was only 6 months long, he went to a swingers club and slept with 2 women in one night. I am not by any means naive I know what goes on in those clubs. Come to find out I was 9 months pregnant with our son and well when he came home after being gone for only a little over 2 months he proposed to me but failed to mention this to me, we had sex and I went into labor. He said that he felt sooo guilty after it happened that he went out and bought the ring set and he realized how much he loved me. I forgot to mention this was after walking through the barracks and bragging about what he did.. That was after telling me that people that brag about those things are aholes. We were having problems at the time of this admittance and well it was more or less trying to get me to admit to anything that I had done this way he wouldn't feel so bad about what he had done.. He broke into my email account and found inappropriate emails and well he had had his suspisions about something going on. I will say this that after years and years of being called all kinds of names I will let you figure out the names that I had finally had enough.. He kicked me out the night of the emails and I moved in with a girlfriend of mine a couple of towns over and well he asked me to move back in after a couple of days and I said that I would. I moved back out about 2 wks later I couldn't take being an emotional punching bag with the names and the snide remarks that were being said. I was gone for a month and then the outage started and he asked me to come back to the house to be with the kids. I didn't leave my kids if that is what you are thinking. I worked at the time at 5 am for 3 days a week so the kids would stay at the house those nights instead of having to wake them up at 3 to get them ready and get to the house. I work an hour away, so by the time I was ready and got them ready it jsut would not have been fair to them. The other 2 nights and the weekends I would have them all the time and I was coming over every night to help them with homework and making sure it was done and then I would go back to the house I was staying at. I had constant phone contact with the kids no matter what time it was that they called I would talk with them.. I moved back and my brother was also staying here and was here with them. When the outage ended it was again with the name calling, he wanted a divorce, and to get out of his house. I was told soo many times that he wanted a divorce and to get out that I finally said you know what I am moving out permanently and I want a divorce. I think I shocked him a little with that one. Finally I had had enough and I was ready to go. I turned to several people during these times and there was one inparticular that I turned to and well I have since developed more than friendship feelings for and the feelings are mutual. There is a problem though. We are both married with children. I am not staying here no matter what happens.. I am not going to wait for the next time that his needs are not being met to get kicked out. Since I told him this it is like he doesn't hear what I am saying. I realize that me moving on alone or with another man is painful but so is staying here with all the anger I feel towards him. It is not fair to him, me, or the kids, especially the kids. I told him that we need to worry about the kids before we work on us and he was flabergasted by that. The kids are more important than us to me anyway. It is even to the point that he is jealous over the dog. I guess what I am asking is am I right for leaving or is there something wrong with me?? I love my husband and would never want anything bad to happen to him but I am not inlove with him. I have told him this and he does not accept that. I have taken care of him, the kids, the house, basically everything for 8 yrs and now I want to worry about me to work on me, to be happy. I was happy before, there are needs that he wants met and I can not and will not meet them.. I state some. After finding out about the affair well there hasn't been any sex for about 7 months. I have not had a sex drive for quite some time and well most of the time we would have sex and it was more like just do it and get it done with. Well he finally stopped trying for a while atleast. I told him that there are things that he does that turns me off and well he continues to do them not so much now but even then he would just keep doing them. He even got to the point a couple of weeks ago that he tried to pull my pants off, I mean not nicely either and the kids were in the room sleeping on the floor next to the bed. That didn't stop him until my 8 yr old son sat up. When he gets upset, pissed off, whatever the first place he goes is to the bar and there are times that he will come home at 3 wake me up only to fight. When I had moved back in for the 2 wks he would wake me up at 12 or 2 to fight knowing that I had to get up at 3 to get ready for work and leave at 4. I was so tired and worn out. I would come home from work and sleep and then I was lazy, did nothing but sleep, and was all and all useless. I have now made up my mind that I am not going to wait around for the next time to come when his needs are not met and the fighting starts, the name calling starts, the get out starts, and the I want a divorce starts. I am going to take control of my life. I would say the final straw was just before thanksgiving and he was saying things to me and my brother stuck up for me being a sibling and all and all hell broke loose, the cops were called, and I had to drive my brother back to RI back home, away from my kids which grew extremely attached and dependent on him. He was the one that was here and sometimes I wondered who was worse the 10 and 8 yr old or the 24 yrs old. Since then I have stopped trying to work on anything, I have tried for 10 yrs to open his eyes and I have worked on the marriage and now after all this time his eyes were finally opened and reality hit him square in the chest. I grew up with the same stuff that is going on here more severe and cruel but all in all the same.. I refuse to have my kids live with this and now I am a grown woman and I have a choice to say enough is enough. I don't have to take it anymore. This is the point that I am at and I am going to move out and on with my life and with my kids lives. Any advice??

Whoa! That is a long story. There are a lot of issues that you raise, and I can tell that you have clearly had enough.

There seems to be infidelity on both sides ... am I correct? Maybe emotional infidelity on your part? but on his part physical infidelity (a one night stand still definitely counts)

There seems to be a lot of emotional abuse. Name calling in a marriage (or anywhere in the family) is DEFINITELY not on. Nor should you be bearing the brunt of his bad temper. It sounds as if you have put up with a lot of bad treatment, and you have reached the point where you simply cannot take it anymore.

What outside help have you had to try to sort your relationship problems?

Have you tried the clergy, or the padres? (I take it that you are living on a military base??)

Have you tried marriage counselling? Even if he won't go to any counselling, maybe you should consider it yourself - just to help you to clarify your feelings so that you be sure of any decisions you make.

The key questions I would be asking myself are:
1. Do I think that my husband can ever be the husband that I need him to be?
2. Am I willing to put in the effort it would take to sort out the relationship problems?

Best wishes, take care of yourself.

Enigma-- I have tried for the past 10 yrs to work on our marriage. I went to receive counselling on my own and I was wrong for doing that in his eyes. He was offended that I was even going. He felt betrayed that I was going and he was not aware of it. We started going to counselling one on one and then once in a while we would have a couples session. It wasn't working for the couples session. He sat in there and made himself out to be the perfect victim. He does not consider that we were committed when he cheated even though I was 9 months pregnant. What makes me even more mad about that is he had the nerve to sleep with those women and then fly home and sleep with me. That is what makes me mad and the simple fact that I wasn't given a choice before I said I would marry him. I have had the emotional affair and yes I have kissed this man. This man was there for me emotionally, he doesn't treat me like a piece of crap and I have fallen in love with the other man.. It has gotten to the point that I have routine underwear inspections, not when I have them on but when he does the laundry he will call me and ask me if I am sleeping with someone. Every woman has a discharge either before or after their period some both times and well he thinks it is sperm. Out of all the laundry that is there my underwear stick out.. I wear g strings and thongs which I have for a long time, not that I wore them all the time and well I am a slut, whore, you name it for wearing them.. I did in the past take underwear and a change of clothes with me to work when I was a courrier and in the summer I would return to the station completely soaked with sweat and I would change and come home. I would get calls at all hours of the day asking if I was sleeping with someone and well I can't take that either. He said to me last night that I now have his attention and well I told him that it was 10 yrs too late to finally get his attention. Over the years I would write him letters about our problems, I would talk to him when we were in bed at night time and well it finally took me saying I want a divorce to open his eyes. To me it is too late for him to finally realize this. My children should have to and will not have to put up with the tension and the problems that he and I dealing with. My daughter as I wrote in the previous post is not his and I think she knows in a way but she is more emotionally unstable and insecure and it is time for her to start to getting the things she needs. My son well as long as there in a computer around he doesn't mind much or atleast he doesnt let on that it is bothering him.. He asked them who they would want to live with and my daughter said me and my son said that he would want to stay here mainly for the computer but also he doesn't want dad to be alone. That burden should not lay on a childs shoulders.

For the husband's side of the story see, "Wife doesn't care, nothing I do works" in divorcing/divorced.

Let's hope that this doesn't turn into a "he said" / "she said" post. I have had a read of the post by "tried2much". And I have put a reply there. You may want to read it.

I found it quite hard to read your initial post because it is just one looooong paragraph. (Try breaking it up into smaller paragraphs with the return key.) There were a few things that I missed seeing and I want to respond to them now:

I turned to several people during these times and there was one inparticular that I turned to and well I have since developed more than friendship feelings for and the feelings are mutual. There is a problem though. We are both married with children.

Yes, that is a problem. Because that means that you are having an affair.

I am not staying here no matter what happens.
I wouldn't stay in a marriage in which there was ongoing emotional abuse AND the other party refused to stop it.

I realize that me moving on alone or with another man.......

When married and then decide to divorce, the correct way to "move on" is ALONE. If you are even thinking of "moving on" with another man forget it. It has a less than 5% chance of working. Plus, you will be busting up 2 families, not just one.

It is not fair to him, me, or the kids, especially the kids.

Yes, you owe it to the kids to sort yourselves out so that they can see how adults should behave.

It is even to the point that he is jealous over the dog.

Yep, you are in dire communication straits, there is no mistake about that. Big changes from BOTH of you are needed if you are to build a better marriage


I find myself wondering why you are here.

Are you trying to restore your marriage?

Or are you looking for reasssurance that it is OK to leave, under the circumstances that you have outlined above??

I get the feeling that you could write pages and pages about how dreadful things have been between you and your husband. I feel sad that you had to go through all this - it was awful seeing my dad treat my mother with such cruelty and disrespect. These things have already happened, you can't change the past. You might be able to forgive, however. (I know that sounds naive of me, but I mean it). And he might be enough of a man to change himself.

I get the feeling that you have mixed feelings about leaving. If not, you would have moved out already andd filed for divorce. What is stopping you????

Here are a couple of other suggestions:

1. Post over in General Questions II. You will get more replies and better advice than I can give you.

2. Put your story into a timeline. I am a bit confused over what happened and when.

Also, I know that your husband has also posted on this site. You are BOTH trying to get help - which is very very good. BUT, don't fall into the trap of reading each other's posts and arguing over what was said. This site is here to help you, not give you yet another thing to argue over. Tell your own stories, and work out where you are yourself.

My thoughts are with you.

I do not have mixed feelings about leaving here. I am moving on and that is that. I have been looking for a decent place to move to my daughter says that she wants to go with me and I don't want to just up and move, I want it to be a good place for her.. I also grew up with an alcoholic father that was emitionally, physically, and verbally abusive. I told my husband onr thing before we got married and that was if he ever put his hands on me then I was out of here.. Well the night that it came to him and my brother coming to blows he started pushing me around. That is all he had to do even though he doesn't consider pushing me around an act of hitting. My mind was going a million miles a minute with the first posting. Sorry about that. I just know that after 8 yrs of working on it and being treated the way I have that I am not going to wait another 8 to be happy. The pushing thing well that is how it starts next comes the hitting and well I am not going to stick around for that.. He promised me that he would never hit me well I know from personal experience that well just because they promise doesn't make it so. I am waiting for my bonus check that I am getting from work that way I have enough for a sd and 1st months rent. I don't want to fail, I have never really been on my own and well all I can do is the best I can do. Thanks

I am moving on and that is that.

Jenn, are you moving on alone, or straight into another relationship??

Enigmma--if I have learned anything throughout this whole thing it is to not rush into anything. I am not saying no but I am also not saying yes. It is up in the air and well my kids are to come first. I am thinking about them and how fair it would be. I am going to take my time with any relationship that I enter.