It's been so long since I have posted.

We have our final hearing on Weds this week.
It will be a relief to have the divorce final, but still saddens me that our 18 year marriage has come to a divorce.

I have so many hurts still.
My X has been with OW for 2 years, and I have known about her for 1.5 of that time. (I gave it my all to save my marriage during that period of time).
Not to mention finding out, she wasn't the first.

I have met a very wonderful man during the time of waiting for my final divorce hearing.
I have feelings for this new person that I have met, but I always ask myself. Would I have left my family for this person?
The answer is NO.
The answer I have, makes me feel like I should doubt this new relationship.
Does anyone think this is normal behavior for spouses that have been cheated on and left?

Another issue I'm trying to deal with is coming to terms with seeing my X and this person together.
My kids have accepter her, but I'm having such a hard time dealing with a chance sighting or one on one with them.

Has anyone found a way to say nothing, but appear pleasant upon meeting their X with the person they broke up the family for?

Thanks,
K

KEB,

I feel the same way you are feeling. I just wanted it to be over. I was ready to just let it end but I was so hurt when it was over. I just couldn't believe that it HAD to end. I was extremely sad and still am. But I fought for a year to save my marriage and I just had to let go for my own sanity.

And as far as seeing OW and ex, I try really hard to stay away from them. It hurts to see them together and have learned from experience that I just need to stay away. Try you're hardest to stay far away from them. Stay away from places you might think you'll see them there.

Thanks for your response Soon To Be.

I do the same as you said. Avoid the possible chance meetings. Our daughters are both in school, and there are school functions, so it is only a matter of time until I meet up with them.

It somehow doesn't feel right that I'm the one that doesn't want to see them. You would think with their history, that they would want to hide their faces.
They are both so proud, it's disgusting.

Thank you for writing me.
K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have met a very wonderful man during the time of waiting for my final divorce hearing.
I have feelings for this new person that I have met, but I always ask myself. Would I have left my family for this person? The answer is NO. The answer I have, makes me feel like I should doubt this new relationship. Does anyone think this is normal behavior for spouses that have been cheated on and left?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You shouldn't doubt the current relationship because of what you're thinking. I would question myself if I ever found someone that I would have "left my family" for.

That would be the mentality of a WS and leaving a family because you think you found someone better would be a nasty never ending cycle.

I'm sure it's probably natural because we try to put ourselves in the WS shoes and wonder "why would someone ever do such a thing"? But being the BS we probably will never understand the why's.

And we BS's would never want to put someone through what it is we have gone through so I see why you would think you'd never leave your family for this person.

KEB,

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I agree with the other poster about just doing your best to avoid them. Even not asking about them. It will hurt to much for you to hear, "They're doing great" or to see them looking happy... but if or when you do, keep in mind, that looks can be deceiving and it's very likely that it's mostly all a "front."

They will not have a perfect, blissful life because, just like everyone else, they have to pay the bills, deal with aging, go to jobs, etc. PLUS on top of the stresses of normal life, they have to deal with the knowledge that your family has been destroyed as a direct result of their actions. I guarantee that even though they might not show it, there is or someday will be guilt. There is also much shame associated with any relationship born out of an affair. They will face not only internal emotions/conflict, but also that from society, your children, etc.

But it will probably be hidden from you (and from most everyone) because they will want everyone to see/believe that they made the right decision. They will say and act as if they are very, very good and happy in public in order to justify their affair to other people. NO person can end 18 years of marriage and be a healthy, happy person... no matter how it might seem on the outside! Most relationships born out of affairs eventually end.

It's best you don't ask your kids about it, etc. It will be tempting, but will only hurt you to hear "good" things about them.

As for your new relationship, I think you should try to wait before any new romances. You were married 18 years and mention how you still hurt, etc... which is extremely NORMAL!! It is not good to get into a new romantic relationship too soon. Even though he seems wonderful, it could be a rebound relationship and right now, your judgement is also not good because you are hurting, etc. It might be that this is why you have doubts. I do not think you (or anyone in your situation) is "ready" for a dating relationship.

Most marriage counselors/psychologists say that you should wait at the very least 1 yr but most say approx. 3 yrs. before a new relationship. I know it sounds like such a long time, but it is better than you heal and deal with the grief of your divorce before getting into a relationship.

The grief alone can take a good year to two years to work through. A new relationship might cause you to not deal with the grief, hurt, etc. and again, your judgement won't be the same as it would be a couple years from now when time has gone by and you are stronger and healthier.

May God be with you as you go through this. I know it is so painful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ December 16, 2003, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LoveMyEx:
<strong> They will not have a perfect, blissful life because, just like everyone else, they have to pay the bills, deal with aging, go to jobs, etc.

They will say and act as if they are very, very good and happy in public in order to justify their affair to other people. NO person can end 18 years of marriage and be a healthy, happy person... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, what LoveMyEx, said!!!

This is all true, the guilt, etc. and the "day-to-day" stressses that tend to get us all down will also wear on this new "couple."

But I believe there is an even more logical reason why their relationship will not last. It's mentioned in the last statement quoted by LoveMyEx above: Almost without exception, the person who RUNS AWAY from a M, especially a long-term one, basically runs straight into the arms of OP....and has not done the "work" we here have done to fix ourselves, so they never learn new skills in how to be a better spouse.

Lots of poeple believe if they can just find *someone new* - someone NOT LIKE THE OLD, NASTY PERSON they left, then everything would be rosy, and fun!! They believe the fault lies totally in the hands of the BS. Not!! As the saying goes, "It takes two...."

Many of us here have learned through this painful experience just how we got this messed up in our M's. Instead of just walking away, we are willing to do the hard work necessary to continually meet our S's EN's (even KNOWING THEY HAVE THEM, and they are not the same as ours) IS AN EYE-OPENER!!!)

Imagine, if you can for a moment, your WS, eventually treating the OP the SAME WAY they treated YOU (when they are at their WORST!!!). It will happen. Wellllll, here's the kicker......HOW will that OP react??? WOW!!! What a thing to think about, eh?? I doubt they will react the way YOU will. (This used to torment me............I used to think, "Well, what if she's better than me - doesn't scream and yell? What if she stays calm, and reasonable, says, "yes, dear..." whatever")

DUH!!!! Listen, If she was **all that** and more, she wouldn't have been all alone and so unhappy that she waited 4 years for him to leave, then "settled" for a MM!!! Think this stuff through..........This cannot be a "great catch." If she was, SOMEONE would have snatched her up before now!!! She wouldn't have found herself embroiled w/a MM!!!!

Make sense? It sure does to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Oh, and I guess you really wanted an answer to your ?? about WS and OW? Well, I think it's very important for you to remember what I wrote. Know that they probably won't be very happy - at least not for long!! And smile just thinking about what is in store for them once the "euphoria" wears off!! It's really a sad state once that happens.

Your main point makes my point exactly: Entering into a new R once you've learned these new skills, opens your eyes to the reality around you. Instead of flipping out - head over heels "in love" and letting your emotions rule you, you are thinking logically, and that makes you think this R isn't worth the price paid. THAT is really the issue all WS's don't face until it's too late.

I agree with LoveMyEx, tho. It may still be too soon, and you may still be too hurt for a serious R. I recommend totally HONESTY with him.....so he knows where you're coming from, and understands you still have issues to deal with.

God Bless,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KEB1205:
<strong>Another issue I'm trying to deal with is coming to terms with seeing my X and this person together. My kids have accepter her, but I'm having such a hard time dealing with a chance sighting or one on one with them.

Has anyone found a way to say nothing, but appear pleasant upon meeting their X with the person they broke up the family for? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For one thing, hold your head high, girl! YOU did nothing wrong, so don't feel as if YOU need to hide out or avoid them at all costs. You don't need to feel ashamed or embarrassed for their stupidity.

I agree that to try to avoid - if you can - running into them. But it will happen. What I've done is just ignore her basically. Not out of hate, hurt or any other reason. I just don't want to engage with her so I see no reason to do it.

You gave yourself the best advice...."say nothing, but appear pleasant." There is a difference between accepting the situation (as it is now) and accepting her. YOU don't have to accept her into your life, just the situation, esp. as it relates to your kids.

That's what I think. I live in a very small town and see the OW all the time. I do exactly what you said: say nothing, but appear pleasant. She's never come up to me to say anything or anything....she's basically the one skulking around, trying to not run into me! HA! When I've run into her with my X, I just talk to him as if he's alone.

Don't waste a minute of your time or your energy towards someone like this. Life is way too short to be concerned about what the OW thinks or feels. I know that it will hurt to see them together, but again, YOU did nothing wrong. Without becoming prideful, there is some comfort in that thought. Keep your chin up and live YOUR life the best you can. Don't let fear of seeing them together take any of your life away from you.

Hang in there...things will eventually get better! You're in my prayers!

"If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." Your H may in the future learn just how much he hurt you when she goes on to the next one.

<small>[ December 19, 2003, 10:07 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

How do I deal with preggo OW? Easy. I have told x to never have her approach me. For example, she has had to hide her pregnancy at soccer games and stand at far end of field where nobody really is...The outlaws did stand by her part for one game and by me the next half but I told them to move down there and stand by her because I am not to be disrespected this way.

I also make myself look great. I like to dispel the myth that the old spouse/dumpee, is ugly, dowdy, or some school marm looking girl. She has to see me lookin good and definitely not preggo.

Other than that I have no contact. I have no desire to. It's that simple. I say avoid them like the plague b/c it is important for you , yes YOU now to recover from the pain. And you need to focus on you and kids and not them.

Lupo and LMX are right. Their little shackfest even if it ends up in marriage, won't last b/c it's a shackfest. Yea, nothing like when she sees him sitting on the toilet one morning taking a dump or passing gas in front of widescreen or morning breath or when my x packs on the extra 20 pounds he usually carried (has been with ultra skinny chain smoking model..says she quit smoking..so he's tried to be hip too and skinnier). It's a matter of time before it crumbles. And their threshold for committment is just not there. So it will fall and fail miserably.

So I say, avoid. heal...and if contact is enevitable, then look your absolute best, do as the other poster here said and only speak to x and pretend the OW/W or whatever she is, is absolutely invisible. It will get her goat. She is NOT worth a second of your time and btw...my x has even said recently that my son only will call her "Ms. FV" and not "stepmom" or whatever.

It's a matter of time.

I am just praying for her to get a very long and arduous delivery as well as massive stretch marks and that her plumbing (female stuff) is stretched beyond recognition which will make her shackup sex fest into something a bit less than he wanted...lol...then he'll be out the door again.

Thank you to all of you for taking the time to write me your thoughts.
I find this site so helpful.

I very much agree with what has been said, that I should not get into a serious relationship.

I have been totally honest with this man, even though it has been hurtful to him.
I have told him I can not enter in to a total love for him until I have had time, time to heal and find myself.

I have no plans on rushing into more than I can handle.
It is so nice though, to have someone treat me as if I'm worth something, and special.

When you are told by your spouse, that they have found someone new, and they are in LOVE with them, and tearing apart your family for this person, the self worth crumbles.

There is so much to my story that I did not tell.

It will be two years this Feb. that we almost lost our daughter due to a brain tumor.
This man, continued his affair through her illness, and left our family in the end.
We are so very blessed to have our daughter, God gave us a second chance with her, and he dumps the family.

It is always helpful for me to hear people say, they will not be happy, or, it will not last.
He has hurt the girls and I so deeply, that for him to lose this incredible love, would be the best revenge.

I'm trying to forgive him, but this will take time.
I'm working on the issues that hurt, through counseling, and studying the Bible more to come out the best I can be for my next chapter of life.

My divorce is now final, and I feel this too will help with moving on with my life.

I thank you all again so much for sharing your thoughts.
You have been helpful to me.

I wish you all the best!
K

KEB,

My heart goes out to you, as I know your hurt. My situation is similar, yet different, but yet the hurt (especially during the holidays) is the same in both cases.

1. My XH (of one month as of 25th) had a live in GF since September 19th. She moved back to Virginia last week, not because he "came to his senses", or discovered he was "madly in love" with me like he said, but because this woman couldn't find any other employment in our area other than being a part time bartender at the local steak house.

2. My XH is taking our two sons (10 and 8) to visit his side of the family in upstate NY for 10 days starting the day after Christmas. This, in and of itself, would be hard enough, especially when the boys have not spent a night with their Dad since mid-May when he left for temporary active duty with the Army, then moved home with his GF. However, I learned from the kids this morning that the GF is "flying out to Gramma's to meet them". It was just a little over a year ago (Thanksgiving 2002) that I was at Gramma's, and we were a family.

I am struggling today with the fact that this new person has been very easily accepted into MY SPOT - in relationships with my X, my kids, my ex-inlaws, etc. It's almost like I don't even exist at times.

Unlike you, I no longer have to deal with the OW on a daily basis, as she has moved 1500 miles away from me back to her home. The pain is still there, especially when she will be spending the holidays with people that I have considered MY family for the last 14 years.

Anyway, sorry to have gotten off on a tangent. I feel for you, and will pray that you have a wonderful holiday.

skip

Skip

I know exactly how you feel about this other person taking over your SPOT! All his family (on his mother's side) have accepted her like she is now part of the family! I have a lot of resentmet towards his family. His cousins sometimes give ME the cold shoulder, as if I was the one who caused so much hurt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But I, hold my head up high, I still say hi to everyone and I still do talk to them when I see them at church. It's hard but we have to let go. It's just something that has to be done when we divorce.

<small>[ December 23, 2003, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: STBXWife ]</small>

I know I am about to get flamed, but sombody has to say it....I am teetering on the brink of divorce. I have been reading posts to gain insight into what lies ahead for me and the kids and I must say that Just Peachy has the most destructive attitude I have ever heard. One minute she is God Blessing, and the next she is wishing God to hurt someone. Your marriage didnt end because you were the most perfect person in the world. It takes two to "let" a marriage die. He moved on, you didnt. Get a grip and stop feeling sorry for yourself and trying to recruit people to be as mean, miserable and hateful as yourself. You are exactly the kind of person I am married to. You didnt become this way after your split. I bet you were controlling, Angry all the time, Negative, criticizing and high maintenance needing constant reassurance. You need to heal yourself instead of spreading the hate. If you are a christian, then start acting like one. God will deal with our indiscretions at the gate. No you, here. Live your life instead of look back and cry. What is, is. I hope you can come to grips with the reality. How many years do you think you have left? Is this what you want to see in your past. You have the power to change it. For yourself and others around you, please try.

HH,

I'm not gonna flame ya. I just want to post, for myself, I KNOW it takes two to end a marriage. And I'm not saying that I want to resurrect things as they were, because I know that I have changed due to reading a lot these past nine months, as well as going to IC. XH has not changed a bit, and I know for me, that wouldn't be a good move for me or for my two boys. Day to day is still a struggle, but for the most part, things are improving. Holidays are tough, as I'm sure others here will echo. And, just because I played a part in the demise of my marriage, doesn't mean it's not still painful to see my kids get excited about spending time with XH's OW.

Like I said, I'm not flaming you...just had to say my piece.

skip

I have been reading alot to try to understand the state of mind of Peachy. I feel bad that she endured what she did, but she did endure it. But, We as humans need to take action aginst what ails us, whether it is by ignoring someone, or staying clear, not going to the same places. I know I wouldnt want "Jethros" New Great life rubbed in my face everyday either. I would move away from them and put some distance between us. I would try to let my kids accept them for wjhat they are, as they see it , not as I tell everyone and thier brother what trash they are. Kids will take the side of the father if mom is constantly at his throat verbally and abusivly. The kids will find out on thier own as painful as it is for her right now. She seems to be feeding her anger from the gossip, and will never get truly better till she can get away from it. Maybe he isnt worth forgiving. She may be right. Thats fine, but daily venting about his stupidity, and behavior is not helping her. My mother in law moved in and everything went badly. She moved away and it was better, but left such a hole in my wifes self esteem, it only added to the misery she felt for her family already. Now her Brother died yesterday, and she didnt even shed a tear. It has made her hard. So much displeasure in her growing up has brought her to this point. There is no return of her happiness. Peachy is the same way. She will not heal if she continues to dwell every day about him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hired Help:
daily venting about his stupidity, and behavior is not helping her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you know?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by skippie:
<strong>I just want to post, for myself, I KNOW it takes two to end a marriage. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This may be a whole nuther topic, but I want to respectfully disagree.....

One person can end a marriage...all alone...by him or herself.

Yes, both people may be responsible for the problems a marriage has (and they all do), but those problems do not necessarily have to bring an end to the marriage.

I was more than willing to work on the problems in our marriage and did not want it to end, but my x-H did not want to work on anything and ended it despite my desires.

I will NEVER take responsibility for the end of the marriage...that was totally his decision. I do, however, take responsibility for some of the problems.

Just wanted to share that.

<small>[ December 23, 2003, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</small>

Seems to me that assuming our share of responsibility for problems in the marriage is very different from being responsible for ending the marriage. We're mature when we hold ourselves accountable, acknowledge our contribution to the problems, and make an honest effort to examine and correct those problems. But when the WS doesn't do the same, the end of the marriage rightly rests on their shoulder.

ALL I've really wanted is for him to have the courage to look himself in the eye as I am struggling to do. If he did so and we still divorced, then I believe I could live with this much easier.

Jaz wrote:
Seems to me that assuming our share of responsibility for problems in the marriage is very different from being responsible for ending the marriage. We're mature when we hold ourselves accountable, acknowledge our contribution to the problems, and make an honest effort to examine and correct those problems. But when the WS doesn't do the same, the end of the marriage rightly rests on their shoulder.

I Agree with that 100%. Ending it and claiming responsibility for problems in the marriage are different. Marriages that ended in divorce had problems that were unresolved.

When you are married to a person who will not take any responsibility for any problems, claims that the other partner (thats a joke) has to make changes to learn to accept the others shortcomings, behaviors, addictions, abuse, and attitudes, it is a choice as to whether the marriage should continue. I feel in my case, I cant change her, I dont like the way she acts. She refuses to change her behavior, Am I willing to live with it? Unconditional love doesnt count anymore when one abuses another. Love is not hurting the other. It is to please the other.

Hi,

I stand corrected, y'all. And, in reference to the posts following what I had previously said, you are correct, I just worded things incorrectly. Yes, I take responsibility for exactly HALF of what went right and also wrong in my marriage. You were correct (all of you) when you said that it only takes one to ultimately end the marriage.

Sorry for the confusion or mis-speaking...and MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Skip